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Original poster

If you were privately educated, are your children?

215 replies

roarfeckingroarr · 27/10/2022 20:46

And if they aren't, do you feel guilty? Was it a moral choice or a financial one?

I had a wonderful experience of private education. I was very very lucky. I always intended to give my children the same opportunities. Now I have a toddler and I'm pregnant, I just don't know if I can afford it and I feel huge guilt. I probably could, just, if we pulled back on everything else.

Argh.

Please don't turn into a private school bashing thread.

OP posts:
hulahoopqueen · 27/10/2022 20:51

I was from 9-18 and always hoped for the same for my child(ren).
Now we're in a position to actually consider it, I could afford half the fees for our child. DH could afford his half of fees for our child and DSS. There isn't a chance that DSS's mum could cover half of his. So, as we can't send one without the other, we can't really send either.

MingoDringo · 27/10/2022 20:54

I went to grammar school and and DH went private. Our DCs are at private school, DH was really insistent that they had the same as he did.

Energeticenoch · 27/10/2022 20:54

I was from start to finish, one of mine was entirely state educated, one prep and state, one prep state private. Don’t feel a bit guilty, my responsibility is to give them a good education and I’ve done that

I would say that the vast majority of their friends parents were privately educated and their children are state educated, it’s just life, my exhusband was state primary private secondary state 6th form.

my partner was prep school and public school, his daughter state all the way

is feel guilty if they went to rubbish schools, they don’t, to be honest I feel rather smug my eldest had ended up at a top university with all his privately educated friends and has higher grades than most of them yet I’m a good £200k better off. I do however recognise that his leafy comp education and professional family is not representative of most state education

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Families
Dontsayyouloveme · 27/10/2022 20:54

I was privately educated, primary and secondary school. There is no way I could afford to privately educate my child.

mindutopia · 27/10/2022 21:00

Dh and I both are. Neither of us come from particularly posh families (both our mums were single parents, but worked hard and found a way, and obviously life was less expensive back then.)

Our dc go to a lovely small state village primary. Really happy with our decision and I don’t think the local private schools at pre-prep/prep offer anything special but would limit dc having local friends (closest is probably 30 minutes drive away).

We are considering it for secondary if finances will allow. The only secondary within 30 minutes is a huge comp. It’s fine, but it’s not great. I have no moral qualms about private education. Dh and I both privately educated and we aren’t rich toffs. We have quite an eclectic mix of friends, are strong Labour supporters, very involved in social activism, etc. We are certainly more open minded and worldly than some of our friends, because that’s the sort of people we are, not because of where we went to school. I don’t think it’s that deterministic. I have lots of friends who went to state school and stayed home in their very tiny narrow bubble because that’s the sort of people they were and how they were raised. Nothing about where they went to school.

caroleanboneparte · 27/10/2022 21:17

I did 5 years of private.

Really really wanted the same for my dcs. Spend my whole adult life trying to replicate that tbh.

Felt like such a failure when I couldn't afford it. Did what I could and moved to get into a good state school. It served that dc well.

It's so much more expensive now. My school was £3k pa. A tiny fraction of parents income.

Same school now is the entirety of a professional salary.

Bloatstoat · 27/10/2022 21:18

I honestly think it's the school that is more important than whether it's state or private.
DH went to private school via assisted places, his family wouldn't have been able to afford it. I was at state school, my family wouldn't have been able to afford it either. We both did well academically and went to excellent universities. We wouldn't be able to afford private school for our DC, but we have been able to move somewhere with good state schools .
SIL is obsessive about ALL private schools being amazing and ALL state schools crap. Her DC are at private school, her eldest is doing GCSES this year - the school results are no better than local state schools and because the school is really small they were very restricted in subject choices. The younger DC has been at the school for 5 years, struggling, and last year a new teacher correctly identified they are dyslexic, they have had very little support and it seems surprising it was not picked up earlier.
What I'm trying to say OP is that you seem to want your children to have a good education and an enjoyable experience of school - I think this is possible in state or private, it's just about picking the right school for your child from what is available to you

Ringbling85 · 27/10/2022 21:30

I went to a private secondary (not U.K.) for my last two years.

Do I send my dc to private school…no.
Why? Because there’s no private school in the city/county I live in. Would I send my dc to private school? Not unless I thought it truly was the best school for them. We could afford to buy as it stands they attend a lovely, not too small village school which has a great reputation. I honestly don’t think they could get any better than they do.

PeaceX · 27/10/2022 21:34

I was and my Dad was but my children aren't no. My mother's older siblings went to a private school but their family had run out of cash by the time it got to her. There were 8 of them!

I was living in the real world right from the get go. I thought, no, I cannot afford this lifestyle. It would have been ridiculous. Pushing water uphill. My DC is in 2nd year at university. And my dc2 well, he's half-assing school but at least it's not costing me a fortune to watch him tank his potential.

Smallorangecat · 27/10/2022 21:35

I went to private school for secondary. There is no way I could afford to send my DC. If I could, I would if I had looked at the local options and felt it was the best choice for my DC (I suspect it wouldn’t be for DC1).

Pinpot · 27/10/2022 21:37

DH went to private school but is adamant that our DC will not. It's an ethical position as far as he is concerned. We could afford it. I wouldn't rule it out but so far wildly happy with our state school experience.

Kfjsjdbd · 27/10/2022 21:38

I was privately educated. My daughter isn’t at the moment (primary age). Partially because we have excellent primary schools here, and partially because I don’t think that non selective private schools have any benefit for children. One of my friends is sending her SEN child to private school near us, and ( I know I’m going to sound like a dick for saying this) I’m not spending £20k a year on my DD going to school with less able children.

She will hopefully go to a private (selective) secondary.

Guessie · 27/10/2022 21:39

I was and absolutely hated it. I now have a severe hatred (probably unhealthy) for private schools. Son definitely won't be attending one!

Callimanco · 27/10/2022 21:40

I went to private boarding school. My kids have stayed home and gone to local schools. Having local roots and a sense of belonging was fundamental to me to give to them, and anyway my kids are neurodiverse and would not have thrived in private.

Didiplanthis · 27/10/2022 21:41

Kfjsjdbd · 27/10/2022 21:38

I was privately educated. My daughter isn’t at the moment (primary age). Partially because we have excellent primary schools here, and partially because I don’t think that non selective private schools have any benefit for children. One of my friends is sending her SEN child to private school near us, and ( I know I’m going to sound like a dick for saying this) I’m not spending £20k a year on my DD going to school with less able children.

She will hopefully go to a private (selective) secondary.

My SEN children are the brightest in their year and very well behaved.... just saying !

TedMullins · 27/10/2022 21:41

Pinpot · 27/10/2022 21:37

DH went to private school but is adamant that our DC will not. It's an ethical position as far as he is concerned. We could afford it. I wouldn't rule it out but so far wildly happy with our state school experience.

Same here - I don’t have kids but my last boyfriend and current partner both went to Lancing College and both have said they’d never send their kids private, and are opposed to the system in general.

Bovrilly · 27/10/2022 21:43

Yes I am and no they're not, although we could have educated them privately. The state schools near us are good enough and we felt the social diversity in the state system was important. Plus preferred them belonging to the local community (I was a boarder) and doing their activities outside of school, which was a complete pain logistically but overall we made the right choice for us.

Meadowbreeze · 27/10/2022 21:43

@Didiplanthis I think she meant kids who go to private as they are less able and need more academic support.

SnoopLabbyLab · 27/10/2022 21:43

I went to private day school on an assisted place. DH went to a top boarding school. We both did well academically and professionally. DD has been privately educated throughout (started in Montessori, then a small independent day school). She wants to go to the local state sixth form college. DS has additional needs and spent a happy two years in a specialist unit in a primary school before to our local outstanding primary school. He’s done very well and will go to a non-selective private secondary school. I hope we’ve chosen the right school for each of them at each stage in their education, regardless of ‘type’ of school. I’ve tried to keep an open mind. No way I’d ever consider boarding for either though.

slightlybonkersmum · 27/10/2022 21:44

I was privately educated from 3 till 18. I would love to do the same for my son but am not in the financial situation too.
I am lucky I live in Buckinghamshire with many grammar schools so he will still hopefully get a great education when he is older. If not I will help a lot at home with learning

Elpheba · 27/10/2022 21:47

DH was all the way through, I was state primary and private secondary. Ours are at private (primary) but purely thanks to a large amount of help from both sets of grandparents- could never have done it on our own all the way through but had planned to for secondary. Mostly because state options are so poor where we are- primary would have been fine.

Leemoe · 27/10/2022 21:48

I was privately educated at primary (only child) and had an assisted place at secondary.

Tbh I wish I had gone to the local grammar or even a comp. All of the teachers bar one notable WC exception made me feel like an inadequate outsider and I was notably less privileged than my peers. I felt pretty shit about myself for a long time despite getting in to an RG University.

My kids have gone to state primary and then on to grammar/academy.

My childhood really impacted my self esteem due to lack of siblings/family in the locality and feeling like an outsider at school.
My children have a close family unit and feel as if they are a legitimate part of their community, things that I could only have dreamed of.

Didiplanthis · 27/10/2022 21:48

But back on track... I did and assumed my children would but financially it is not an option. I felt guilty. However my DD is now year 8 and is flying at her state secondary.. she wouldn't be doing better at a private school and is learning more about life. I may need to reconsider and look at options with DS as he has ASD and may not cope in the size of school our state secondaries are... but as he would fly any entrance exam and may get a scholarship, he shouldn't be dragging down the Non SEND kids whose parents think their darlings might be contaminated by his presence in their expensive school.....

Lozzybear · 27/10/2022 21:51

@Didiplanthis I don’t know any parent who would think that. I have one DC at a selective private school and one at a super selective state grammar. There are children with SEND in both.

3peassuit · 27/10/2022 21:52

I was privately educated throughout and DH was for secondary. My daughters both went to an outstanding village primary. DD1 went to a grammar then boarding school for 6th form. DD2 turned down boarding for 6th form and stayed at a grammar for A levels. They both went on to RG universities. I don’t feel they missed out and am happy with the choices I made for them.