Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

If you were privately educated, are your children?

215 replies

roarfeckingroarr · 27/10/2022 20:46

And if they aren't, do you feel guilty? Was it a moral choice or a financial one?

I had a wonderful experience of private education. I was very very lucky. I always intended to give my children the same opportunities. Now I have a toddler and I'm pregnant, I just don't know if I can afford it and I feel huge guilt. I probably could, just, if we pulled back on everything else.

Argh.

Please don't turn into a private school bashing thread.

OP posts:
Didiplanthis · 27/10/2022 21:53

Lozzybear · 27/10/2022 21:51

@Didiplanthis I don’t know any parent who would think that. I have one DC at a selective private school and one at a super selective state grammar. There are children with SEND in both.

The parent who posted that I quoted a few minutes ago clearly does !

piratehugs · 27/10/2022 21:53

I was privately educated, mostly, but decided I was morally against sending my own kids to private school.

If I'm honest, I guess I quite like telling everyone I'm morally opposed to it, but I'm not as fussed as I make out. It's more that I don't want our lives to be dominated by long commutes to and from school, as mine was.

It's convenient either way, because I could never afford private education for my DC, even if I wanted to.

therealmrsc · 27/10/2022 21:53

hulahoopqueen · 27/10/2022 20:51

I was from 9-18 and always hoped for the same for my child(ren).
Now we're in a position to actually consider it, I could afford half the fees for our child. DH could afford his half of fees for our child and DSS. There isn't a chance that DSS's mum could cover half of his. So, as we can't send one without the other, we can't really send either.

Exactly our situation

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Ginger1982 · 27/10/2022 21:58

I went to private secondary school. I'm not sending DS as the school where we live now gets good results, far better than the catchment school area I lived in.

BannerofHeaven · 27/10/2022 22:00

My partner was and very much did not want it for our children, they went to state school even though we could have afforded private.

Howeverdoyouneedme · 27/10/2022 22:01

I wasn’t and my children won’t as it’s a waste of money.

RosesAndHellebores · 27/10/2022 22:05

Yep.

The reason being that not one local state school offered three separate sciences, a choice of mfl and a classical language. Our local comps were more like old fashioned secondary moderns.

VanCleefArpels · 27/10/2022 22:08

I was privately educated (boarding) but only because my Dad was in the forces and so it was paid for - I did not come from money at all (quite the opposite). My DH was also privately educated as a day pupil, his family was quite wealthy.

We educated our kids privately as we were both in very high paying professions so we could afford it out of income. Looking back I’m not sure it was worth it to be honest - certainly not before secondary.

CraftyGin · 27/10/2022 22:09

Both DH & I were privately educated, as were our five children.

DappledThings · 27/10/2022 22:11

My dad came from generations of public school, my mum from grammar/convents. Both were vehemently against private education for us as a moral stand and I've inherited that. I'm massively anti-private.

DH and his siblings were all privately educated, SIL is a teacher and has always been private. It's the one big political difference we have and the one thing we always knew would be controversial between us. We live in a 11+ area which may solve the issue if DC pass.

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 27/10/2022 22:11

@CraftyGin good effort affording to privately educate five!

I think we'll probably go with state until 8 and save hard in that time. It's just so much more expensive now.

OP posts:
flowerycurtain · 27/10/2022 22:11

We were privately educated 4-18 and children currently in private prep. DH is adamant private all the way through but as we head towards secondary I will check out the local state options as I did for primary.

I love that so many of Mumsnet have such amazing state schools and enrichment activities on their doorstep. If we were in that position I'd have no qualms in going state.

Many many of my school friends are not sending theirs private. The ones that have I'd say 80% get some form of family help. A lot have done state primary and then private 7-11 state sixth form. 5 years is much more achievable.

lechatnoir · 27/10/2022 22:13

I was privately educated right the way through but not a chance we could afford it for our dc. 2 of mine go to grammar and are doing very well but the 3rd coasted at the large local comp and IMO would have hugely benefited from being at a sporty private . C'est la vie!

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 27/10/2022 22:19

I wasn’t but dh was. Dds are in outstanding state schools. No need for private. I work in a private school, but tbh, it’s not a route I’d go down just year as dds are Year 7&8. We looked at private for dd1, but the school sadly closed down, so that was left.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 27/10/2022 22:20

I went to grammar and dh went to private. We couldn't easily afford to send them to private but can afford tutors, activities and holidays to far flung places.
We're also educated enough to help dc do well at school.
I don't feel guilty about our decision sending them to state.

mondaytosunday · 27/10/2022 22:20

I went state my husband private. We had three 'excellent' state primaries as the nearest schools. Our son didn't get in to any as they were all oversubscribed. We applied to a fourth C of E school that was the next nearest. No joy. So he went private and my daughter followed.
We would have been happy with a good state primary and then considered options.

Fireflygal · 27/10/2022 22:22

@hulahoopqueen, Could dh's ex apply for a bursary if her income is low?

Rotherweird · 27/10/2022 22:27

I was privately educated.

I can’t afford to send my DS private, not would I really want to, for political and other reasons. I work with a lot of privately educated young people and their education hasn’t always done them a lot of favours. I also think going to a socially diverse state school is a great education for life. My DS is on track to do v well academically, so I have no worries about exams. I do feel sad about the quality of the education he is getting in his bog standard academy chain comprehensive though - some classes are great but he is often bored and frustrated, which I doubt would happen in a selective private school. So I have mixed feelings.

CoastalWave · 27/10/2022 22:27

I went private as did my brother.

Absolutely gutted we have no chance at all of affording to do the same for our children.

I would be mortified to ask my parents to pay - they've already paid for 12 years worth of private fees in their time (same schools today are £4.5k a term)

I do feel like I've let my own parents down by not being in a financial position myself to afford it like they were (long story but I chose to stop having a high flying career and now just make end meet) Almost as though they've wasted their money educating me.

TheodoreMortlock · 27/10/2022 22:35

Kfjsjdbd · 27/10/2022 21:38

I was privately educated. My daughter isn’t at the moment (primary age). Partially because we have excellent primary schools here, and partially because I don’t think that non selective private schools have any benefit for children. One of my friends is sending her SEN child to private school near us, and ( I know I’m going to sound like a dick for saying this) I’m not spending £20k a year on my DD going to school with less able children.

She will hopefully go to a private (selective) secondary.

You do sound like a dick, yes. And if you want your child to go to a private selective secondary, you need to work on sounding like less of one, because once the children have passed the exams they also interview the parents to weed out the ones who are going to be a massive pain in the hoop.

MiserableToad · 27/10/2022 22:48

Energeticenoch · 27/10/2022 20:54

I was from start to finish, one of mine was entirely state educated, one prep and state, one prep state private. Don’t feel a bit guilty, my responsibility is to give them a good education and I’ve done that

I would say that the vast majority of their friends parents were privately educated and their children are state educated, it’s just life, my exhusband was state primary private secondary state 6th form.

my partner was prep school and public school, his daughter state all the way

is feel guilty if they went to rubbish schools, they don’t, to be honest I feel rather smug my eldest had ended up at a top university with all his privately educated friends and has higher grades than most of them yet I’m a good £200k better off. I do however recognise that his leafy comp education and professional family is not representative of most state education

What on earth, do you think that professional families tend to send their kids to private school?! It is simply not the case, many professional families have kids in state schools. AND they have leaves.

BadGranny · 27/10/2022 22:48

I was educated at an independent boarding school. It was monstrous and I was profoundly unhappy. My kids went to the local primary and then the local comprehensive. All of them did well academically and, unlike me, were very happy at school.

PvPn25671011 · 27/10/2022 22:52

Congrats on having the second on the way. I did a combination of private & grammar and DH was mostly private. He insisted on private and I agreed for my DDs as we can afford it.

My observation as Private school mum who has friends with kids in state schools is that both have advantages. Here’s a couple of things which I hope might help. You shouldn’t feel guilty, better to live realistically:

  1. There are some very good state schools. Faith schools offer some of the types of structure. (I’m not religious but I have friends with kids in both catholic and CoE schools - both sound impressive). Do your research, if you can be a community governor (not sure if this is viable with 2 little ones). But if you can it will help you understand the system better.
  2. The anxiety levels I see at the gates from SOME private school parents (and their kids) makes me wonder if going private is right for them. For example, I see some parents who struggle to pay the fees trying to put up a façade and pretend to be wealthy to fit in. Then lose it when they can’t park or forget about homework or whatever. By the way these kids look MISERABLE.
  3. Then you see the parents who aren’t putting on a show but have literally saved and sacrificed to get their kids into private schools. But dealing with their children being in school a bunch of kids whose parents buy them every toy, every nice clothing item and take them on £££ days out etc. And constantly saying no to your kid who feels crap as he’s being made fun of by the uber confident child whose mummy gives them everything.

I think it’s wonderful that you are realistic and hope to send your children on to private later. However don’t underestimate the amount of extra work you may need to do to make sure your kids are keeping up. My youngest is in reception and she’s one of the minority of girls who isn’t receiving additional academic lessons outside of school.

prescribingmum · 27/10/2022 22:54

I was state educated for all primary and first 2 years secondary then moved to private (and stayed until 18). DH was state educated in a pretty rough comprehensive.

If all goes to plan, DC will have opposite to me. They are in private prep and we live in catchment of excellent state secondary which we hope to send them to.

Beebumble2 · 27/10/2022 23:06

DH went to a selective Private school, I went to a selective Grammar school. We both are professionals.
DC went to the good local comprehensive. We spent the money saved on fully funding their University education. They both have excellent jobs, no student debt and their own homes. No guilt felt here.