If you were privately educated, are your children?

[roarfeckingroarr]

And if they aren't, do you feel guilty? Was it a moral choice or a financial one?

I had a wonderful experience of private education. I was very very lucky. I always intended to give my children the same opportunities. Now I have a toddler and I'm pregnant, I just don't know if I can afford it and I feel huge guilt. I probably could, just, if we pulled back on everything else.

Argh.

Please don't turn into a private school bashing thread.

I went to private schools, my social circles are made up of people who both did and didn’t, and can honestly say I won’t be wasting the money. Private schools insulate you from the real world, and I know loads of people
who got a nasty shock when they entered the job market and really didn’t know how the world worked. It outweighs any potential benefit you might get from social connections. I’ll be spending the cash on holidays/ a private tutor/ extracurriculars instead.

No, we are happy with state primary and there are excellent local secondaries.
I think the difference between state and private is far less than it used to be.
as a school governor the most important difference is use of funds. State schools must use funds for the benefit of the children’s education and spending must link clearly to the school objectives. There is less oversight over spending by private schools. They have more income per pupil but spend on things such as advertising and marketing and arguably on vanity projects.
there are good and bad state schools and private schools.

I went to state primary, private secondary. Despite assisted place and scholarship, parents still had to make huge sacrifices to keep me there.

My kids are only 6 and 3 at the moment, and go/will go to state primary. Undecided about secondary, but our local comprehensive is currently dire, so options seem to be 1) move to catchment of a better one, 2) move to grammar school catchment (only 10 mins drive) and pay for 11+ coaching or 3) go private. We'll look more closely at options as they get nearer. I think we might just about be able to afford it but it won't be easy!

I went to a private girls school for secondary and DH went to a boys only comprehensive .
We couldn't afford to privately educated DS, and another deciding factor was we wanted co-ed for him and excellent SEN support which our local school has.

DH was educated at a famous public school, didn’t see the point with our own DS though it was affordable for us. DS achieved all A grades at A level and after a gruelling recruitment process is now starting life in his chosen career. Both DH and I could tutor all subjects between us that DS took at GCSE level and then the three he took at A level. He went to cadets, played in a football team and has had many trips overseas for holidays. He attended a very mediocre results wise comp that was within easy walking distance.

The local independent school is pretty crap actually, DH has some opinions that are pretty harsh about that specific school.

I was start to finish. I'd like the same for my kids but funds didn't allow it. And then my first born was horribly let down by the state system
It was a private tutor who asked if he had been assessed. The school never mentioned he was different. It was only after we went to them that they moved and referred him to CAMHS.
More than 4 years of education lost and a child's self esteem that will never recover. I'm so angry.

He is now in a small Marvelous private school. And he is doing well.
However Financially we are drowning. And no life boat is in sight.
And now we have the guilt that our last child is clearly also neuro diverse and we can't afford more school fees. So what do we do?!

I loved my private school. So did did my siblings. Was a great environment for us. Everyone can find their thing to shine at.

I'd like the same number and breadth of opportunities for my kids. But not to the detriment of my mental health.

However I also don't want to meeep them in a state school to the detriment of their mental health.

It's a hard place to be.

I was very expensively educated and would love my DC to have the same opportunities I did. We can comfortably afford it BUT we can't find a local private school we like or think will suit. So it's looking like the local secondary, which I think will be a good fit for our ND and sensitive DS. I am a bit sad that he won't be going somewhere with beautiful buildings, rolling green playing fields and numerous scoop trips, but I think his happiness and comfort needs to come first, and his particular personality will fit in best in a different environment.

This sounds so odd to me in southern England today....

Loads of parents send their kids out of the state system Into the private system because they are ND and state system was damaging them.

Private has so far been amazing for our child. It won't undo the terrible self esteem issues arising from the period the state school never thought to mention our child might be ND and perhaps ought to be assessed to see if he needed additional support .....!

I do feel like I've let my own parents down by not being in a financial position myself to afford it like they were (long story but I chose to stop having a high flying career and now just make end meet) Almost as though they've wasted their money educating me
It is sad and, I'm sure, wrong that you feel this way. I paid school fees for my DC to be happy and well-rounded and to be educated enough to make good life choices, not for academic results and highly paid careers.

DH went to a public school as a boarder. I went to a comp. Our DC went to comps. We couldn’t have afforded private schools.

I think, however, private schools can be good for children with special or additional needs, for many reasons.

DH and I were privately educated all the way through, and boarded from 8. I felt horribly guilty that we didn't do the same for our DCs, but we had four and prep would have been ok, but not secondary.

(We turned down a top prep scholarship for DS1 - I entered him into the scholarship exams the day before the deadline because I had a panic about state school, but there was SO much pressure on us to accept it, we walked!).

We moved to an area with outstanding schools, and all four went to grammar school. DS1 started at Cambridge this term..so he achieved the trajectory the prep said he would, but we got to keep the fees, although we spent a lot on enrichment activities, and we have them at home. DD and my younger boys are also thriving and happy.

My children have had a far more balanced education, and have mixed with a far greater range of people. I didn't meet anyone from a state school until I went to uni, and thought everyone had ponies and pools. My children have friends with that lifestyle, but also children from far more modest and 'normal' lives which I think is far healthier. Whether I'd be so positive if the education options were more limited where we are is another question!

i went to private school - really enjoyed it, good teaching. DH went to state - thought it was ok, but not a fantastic experience. We would have to make big sacrifices to send 3 kids private - and on balance would probably prefer to help them with house deposit if we had spare cash.

I don’t feel guilty. I feel pretty confident in helping them/tutoring to gcse standard and beyond in many subjects - and would pay for tutors for the others.

@Fireflygal unfortunately her reaction would be along the following lines: "I'm not sending him somewhere to become a snob"/"you guys can afford it and I'll look like the poor parent"/"you only want to do it so DSS will like you more"
Got nothing to do with the fact that DSS is confident and intelligent and private would challenge him in new ways that his current ("good") state school just isn't. It's honestly a shame, but I think that even if we were in a position to pay his full fees, she'd still say no.

Privately educated. My kids aren't. They're doing better results wise than I got.

@mindutopia

But your private friends are they in narrow bubbles?
Do other experiences help to shape who we are?
People from private school are they afraid their DC friend's may live slightly further away, or do state educated people worry about that?
Where does the broader thinking come from?

@hulahoopqueen

1. if she says no then why is your child going to suffer because of her reaction? That's absolutely mad. In 20 year's time when you talk about it and you say " I wanted to send you and could afford it but your dad's ex wouldn't have allowed your step brother so because his mum's narrow minded and would say no we didn't feel it was fair to send you even though we both wanted too. We thought her feelings were more important." ????

Can't you supplement his crap school with tutor's?

Interesting experiences! I was on a 100% scholarship to an independent school. Now I'm a teacher at one, and our kids go/went there because of the fees discount I get; we couldn't really afford it otherwise. It's a great fit for DS (Year 11). DD didn't have the best time there (didn't really click with any friends, and had anxiety issues in sixth-form partly due to academic peer-pressure), but we strongly suspect it would have been similar or worse in other local schools, and at least she got to choose some subjects she really enjoyed. Now she's at art school and has "found her tribe" for the first time.

My dad had a high flying job to pay for our education and as a result I never saw him. My siblings and I have kicked back against that, we all have average jobs and incomes, my one sibling that could earn more chooses not to because of the relationship we had with our dad. He wants to be around as a parent. I quit my commission based sales job to work for a charity and my other sibling has done similar. I don’t feel guilty that DS won’t go to private school (DH didn’t) but I do feel guilty that his schooling will be chosen for him rather than based on any needs he might have.

Me and partner were privately educated but our kids will be going to state primary and possibly grammar for senior school. I was very strong in that decision for my own children when I myself was at private school, and my opinion hasn't changed for lots of reasons!
My partner is keen to send our kids to private (we had it so why shouldn't they etc) but I don't really see the value these days. We've instead opted for "state plus", so invest in our children's private tuition and educational support. Best of both worlds!

No mine aren’t/ won’t be. I couldn’t afford it anyway and also there are really good schools in the area and ds has done well so far (dd not at school yet). I didn’t massively engage with all the extras my private school offered, was naturally academic and kept my head down. DS is fairly similar and I hope that with good parental support my DC will do well regardless.

Also I went to boarding school and that has had emotional repercussions. There aren’t any amazing private schools locally that wouldn’t require sone element of boarding and I definitely don’t want that for DC.

DH and I were both privately educated. DH hated his school, hated being the one kid in his village who went off to the posh school while all the others went to the local comp. He is really against selective education in any form now. I would definitely have been tempted by the private option for ours, and we could probably just about afford it at a pinch with our two professional careers and small mortgage, though it would be a struggle. But oldest child seems to be doing fine so far at the local comp, and I'm glad he's with all his friends there. I don't know anyone locally whose kids go private - it just isn't an affordable option for middle class families any more. The comp has a real mixture of kids from all parts of the community.

I definitely yearned for rolling fields and honours boards and rugby and Latin for my kids, but it isn't going to happen. We'll invest in tutoring if needed and in travel and try to broaden their horizons where we can. We might look at private for sixth form.

Not sure why you are all jumping on this poster she’s not worded it well but I’ve read many posts with people saying they are going private because of SEN or because children wouldn’t pass 11+.

i was privately educated from 10-13 worst years of my life; didn’t fit in, bullied, school denied bullying because it happened mainly on the way to school until I stood up for myself then they punished me even though it wasn’t on school grounds but on a public bus, prefects colluded with it and never saw anything until I lashed out. Because of that I swore I’d never send DD private but if I could afford it and we had an alternative private like Sudbury I’d consider it.

Not sure why you are all jumping on this poster she’s not worded it well but I’ve read many posts with people saying they are going private because of SEN or because children wouldn’t pass 11+.

Because she is saying that kids with SEN are "less able" which is wrong and offensive. And also implying that these kids are to be avoided, which is even more offensive.

DH and I aren't both against it. I am and he's all for it. That's the issue that would be solved if DC pass the 11+ because he'd be happy with a grammar. If they don't pass then I would still be happy with the comp and with us helping but he wouldn't. He would want to try private at that point and then we would have the one big conflict we always knew was a possibility.

I attended private school from 7-14, secondary one boarding.

DC attended state grammars. Never, ever wanted them to attend private.