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DP works long hours and I'm tired

185 replies

Yogashed · 26/10/2022 08:52

DP is on about £75k gross and works from 9-7/8ish (contracted hours 9-5). He works from the office mostly and gets home at about 8-9pm.

I earn £46k and work 9-5. After work I cook dinner so he has a meal waiting for him when he is home. I also do errands such as take the bins out and tidy up. We are planning to get married next year and we haven't even booked a venue yet- I've been doing all the work in getting quotes etc. We are also planning to go on holiday in a few weeks and again I have been doing all the work as DP is so busy with work.

DP gets home from work and doesn't have to do anything apart from put the dishes in the dishwasher and even then I take the dishes to him to put in the dishwasher and put the rubbish away etc. I am tidy when I cook and put food back in cupboards/fridge as I go.

I am really tired. Yes, I work shorter hours but I don't get a break - I am doing things until DP is home. I am stressed that the wedding and holiday won't be planned- I know nothing will happen unless I do it! Am I unreasonable to expect DP to step up and get wedding quotes and plan the holiday during his lunch break for example? Does anyone have any ideas on how to make this work better? DP does contribute more to the household as he earns more.

OP posts:
youngestisapsycho · 26/10/2022 08:54

Do you have children? On those salaries could you afford a cleaner?

Brefugee · 26/10/2022 08:55

make an agreement that you both know you can stick to about the division of household chores. Don't have children until you know it's ok

Michellebops · 26/10/2022 08:59

Not really sure what benefit of putting in your salaries is (other than bragging)
We don't earn those sort of salaries (wouldn't want to be the tax to be honest) but my partner works long hours and looks after his parents.
I do the cooking. Cleaning, washing and childcare as well as 90% of the mental load.

As pp suggests, get a cleaner or do the jobs together at the weekend. Batch cook at the weekend and defrost.

If you both enjoy the benefits of the higher salaries then you're going to find a way to make it work.

Getting married won't change that

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youngestisapsycho · 26/10/2022 09:00

Also why is he working 2/3 hours over his finish time every day? This seems to be the main problem.

nootsy · 26/10/2022 09:02

Cant you outsource more? & lower standards

MeAndAutumnGoHandInHand · 26/10/2022 09:03

Your DP needs to finish at his contracted time - we need to stop normalising working extra unpaid hours.

Get a cleaner.

Both of you batch cook a couple of meals over the weekend to make the cooking easier through the week. Have a couple of very easy teas a couple of nights (pasta bake, omelettes etc).

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2022 09:04

Why’s he choosing to work so many extra hours unpaid? Avoiding home? Poor time management? Just loves his job?

I wouldn’t be taking on all the house stuff because he’s choosing to be out rather than has to be.

Wedding planning is as stressful as you make it, if you don’t want a complicated do then don’t have one. Is he on board with it?

He sounds like a passenger in your life, I’d find that unattractive. And might not be relevant but if kids are on the cards then know that workaholic men make shit dads. If he doesn’t want to come home to you it won’t change when you have a baby.

BIWI · 26/10/2022 09:06

He is choosing to work those extra hours.

I've been in a job where work beyond the 'normal' 9-5 was often done, even expected - but there's always a way to ensure you're out of the office/back home when you need to be. Even if that means taking work home with you.

Be very clear here. He knows that you're taking on more of the domestic workload, and he expects it from you. He will justify this to you, if you challenge him, on the grounds that he is the higher earner.

Do not expect him to change unless you insist and effect change

And certainly don't expect him to suddenly step up if/when you have children!

The time to stop this is now.

J0CASTA · 26/10/2022 09:14

Brefugee · 26/10/2022 08:55

make an agreement that you both know you can stick to about the division of household chores. Don't have children until you know it's ok

I’d add, don’t marry him until he has proved ( in actions ) that he wants an equal partnership , not just a housekeeper.

In your situation I would NOT go straight home after work . I’d go to the gym or other classes, meet up with friends , have a meal with or do other social activities or some volunteering.

You can split the household chores at the weekend and get a cleaner to come in when you are both out at work.

Do not I repeat NOT stay at home doing all the unpaid, low status, no pensionable work while he does all the high paid , high status, pensionable and promotion earning work.

The only way he will think about changing his work hours is if HE has the inconvenomve of getting home at 9pm and cooking dinner for himself and tehhe spending weekends doing housework and laundry. At the moment you are not letting him experience the logical consequences of his own choices, you are cushioning him from reality.

Please do not fall for the teamwork argument - that you are a team and you are doing all the grunt work so he can do the high status work. That never EVER works out in the long term, men see all that work as invisible and valueless.

How old are you and do you ever plan to have children? If so, you need to think long and hard about how this will work with your partners hours.

Is he planning to change jobs or go part time when you have children ? If not they you are going to doing 100% of parenting, so make sure you are ready for that. It will be like being a single parent but with much more anger, arguments , resentment and housework and less free time.

Think hard about how you will feel when you’ve not had a nights sleep for months or even years and he won’t help for 5 mins because of his work.

How you will feel when you do all the nursery runs and so then have to work late at night to catch up , while your husband complains that you won’t watch Tv with him.

When you ALWAYS a have to leave work when your child is unwell at childcare and so you miss out on a promotion at work. And then how you will feel when your husband complains that you are not pulling your weight financially and you are not ambitious enough .

Trust me, I’ve been there. I though my Husband would change because he so desperately wanted children. Turns out he wanted the status of being a father and a photo for his desk at work. Not actual flesh and blood children that take time and work to raise .

Yogashed · 26/10/2022 09:26

We don't have children yet. I wouldn't have children before marriage personally.

Although our salaries are high (although I disagree that my salary is particularly high) we couldn't justify the expense of a cleaner. We have a large mortgage.

DP works in a profession where he is expected to work long hours - as long as it takes to get the job done. His colleagues also work long hours. If he clocked off at 5, there's no way he could justify his salary.

His argument is he brings more money, that is his contribution. My contribution is doing more of the admin and housework.

OP posts:
lion71 · 26/10/2022 09:32

I know this is said too much on here OP, but these are some major red flags. He is not valuing you or showing you respect, he thinks because he earns more than you that his time
Is more valuable? That's the man you want to marry and have children with? I promise you, he will get worse when you have kids. You know when women say "but he wasn't like this before kids" they were, they just overlooked it when it wasn't so pressured, don't overlook it now, he is showing you his true colours, don't entrap yourself. Get out now, he won't change.

BIWI · 26/10/2022 09:33

Yogashed · 26/10/2022 09:26

We don't have children yet. I wouldn't have children before marriage personally.

Although our salaries are high (although I disagree that my salary is particularly high) we couldn't justify the expense of a cleaner. We have a large mortgage.

DP works in a profession where he is expected to work long hours - as long as it takes to get the job done. His colleagues also work long hours. If he clocked off at 5, there's no way he could justify his salary.

His argument is he brings more money, that is his contribution. My contribution is doing more of the admin and housework.

And there you have it.

He has you exactly where he wants you.

Don't play the victim/martyr. If you don't like this arrangement then it's with you to stop it.

Yogashed · 26/10/2022 09:41

What is the solution? He needs to earn the high salary to pay the mortgage. I wouldn't want him to go to a lower paying job. He used to have a job earning under £45k and even then he would have to work long hours, so he may as well earn the extra money!

OP posts:
Brefugee · 26/10/2022 09:42

why don't you get a higher paying job and he can relax his hours?

Sell up and get a smaller house/mortgage? There are lots of solutions. Do you want them or do you just want tea and sympathy?

Paq · 26/10/2022 09:43

Honestly, don't get married to a man who thinks he shouldn't look after his own shit. Just don't. Otherwise you'll be back here in 5 years time, with 2 under 3, on your knees while he lords it over you with his "big job".

Get out while you can.

lion71 · 26/10/2022 09:45

@Yogashed the solution is to find a man that's not an arsehole. I earn more than my husband but that does not mean he does everything at home, he still works full time. And you can afford a cleaner, we had a cleaner when we had half your salary because there is nothing more valuable than time.

Honestly if you can't figure this out by yourselves before marriage and kids you're in for a tricky time, this is the easy time for a relationship!

Unicorn2022 · 26/10/2022 09:45

He may bring in more money but is actually on near enough the same hourly rate as you if you include all his unpaid overtime.

I don't mean this rudely but if you are this tired now with a standard 9-5 job and the life admin, cooking and housework for only two adults who are out of the house all day then you will be on your knees with exhaustion if you have kids with this man.

You need to make some serious changes now before you get married. Unless he does half of the cleaning then yes you can justify a cleaner. You need to stop owning the household jobs and ensure you have an equal division now before you even think of getting married.

Y7drama · 26/10/2022 09:47

Can he work from home more to minimise travel time?

pumpkinelvis · 26/10/2022 09:49

Why did you stretch yourselves so much mortgage wise when you can't afford £15 a week for a cleaner?. That's insane. You earn a huge joint salary and I'd want a lifestyle that reflects that. I'd think carefully about having children if this is how things are. Your career will always come second.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 26/10/2022 09:52

Why can't you sell and get somewhere with a much smaller mortgage. Or rent until you've got this red flag issue sorted, by means of discussion and compromise or by leaving.

That way if it doesn't work out you've already got the money in your pockets or you're not tied to a mortgage.

DailyEnergyCrisis · 26/10/2022 09:56

Move to a cheaper house and don’t have kids- your combined resources wouldn’t manage it.

Believeinyou · 26/10/2022 09:57

I think this is just life - people go to work and then make dinner when they get home

can't u go look at venues at the weekend and book your holiday together at the weekend?

AliasGrape · 26/10/2022 09:59

That’s around £6k a month take home between you, if you can’t manage £30 a week (or every other week just to get the big jobs done?) on that between you then something is going wrong somewhere. Even with a big mortgage.

If he wasn’t with you he’d have to either pay a cleaner/ someone to do his washing and ironing etc, or get some other ‘partner’ to do all the shit work for him. What did he do before you met?

Honestly I’m not sure there really is a solution if he genuinely thinks he doesn’t have to do anything towards your shared home, wedding or life together because he has a big job. That’s a mindset that isn’t really going to change, and will only get more difficult to live with if children come along.

beachcitygirl · 26/10/2022 10:05

Of course you can afford a cleaner. Don't be ridiculous. It's about £15 an hour. Get a cleaner twice a week for a few hours.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2022 10:09

So he’s got no choice but to work silly hours. You want the benefit of his income. You think you have no choice but to suck it up.

Not sure what you want from this. If it’s just a moan then crack on but don’t expect anything to change because it won’t. Either institute change or suck it up. No one needs such a ridiculously big mortgage to house two people but if that’s your choice then own it.

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