DP works long hours and I'm tired

[Yogashed]

DP is on about £75k gross and works from 9-7/8ish (contracted hours 9-5). He works from the office mostly and gets home at about 8-9pm.

I earn £46k and work 9-5. After work I cook dinner so he has a meal waiting for him when he is home. I also do errands such as take the bins out and tidy up. We are planning to get married next year and we haven't even booked a venue yet- I've been doing all the work in getting quotes etc. We are also planning to go on holiday in a few weeks and again I have been doing all the work as DP is so busy with work.

DP gets home from work and doesn't have to do anything apart from put the dishes in the dishwasher and even then I take the dishes to him to put in the dishwasher and put the rubbish away etc. I am tidy when I cook and put food back in cupboards/fridge as I go.

I am really tired. Yes, I work shorter hours but I don't get a break - I am doing things until DP is home. I am stressed that the wedding and holiday won't be planned- I know nothing will happen unless I do it! Am I unreasonable to expect DP to step up and get wedding quotes and plan the holiday during his lunch break for example? Does anyone have any ideas on how to make this work better? DP does contribute more to the household as he earns more.

Joint income of over 100k and you can't afford a cleaner? It's like a £100 a month.

Eh? You just make time. I always have. And never earnt that much.
Your earn plenty. Outsource. Get a cleaner. Order a takeaway. Go out with your friends. Take a bath. Make it happen instead of taking it. Talk to him about why he works more hours than he's supposed to.

Do you both have the same money to spend on yourselves
Do you both have the same leisure time?
If so you are in an equal relationship. If not....

None of this solves the problem which is a man who thinks being high earning entitles him to expect his partner to be his unpaid housekeeper.

If he genuinely needs to do the extra hours in his paid job then some redistribution of tasks would be normal but not all of it. This mind set will be expecting the OP to be responsible for everything if they have DC as well.

They need to share overall load and leisure time, not assume the lower full time working partner gets all the double shift.

And Fully expect him, when you have DC, to stay even later. If he literally does nothing at all, except his own washing, he is expecting you to do everything - all the time - and forever. This will include everything to do with DC. And he will always bring it back to the fact he earns more money, so you need to just deal with it. And your hours - working and looking after dc will be ALOT more than what he does 'in the office' believe me.

Read this. This will happen. Honestly, there's fuck all housework and cooking to do with 2 adults compared to taking care of children. But of course he will not be able to do any, as his contribution is the salary. Of course he also won't be able to take any time off to care for those children. Sick days, appointments, holidays - all yours to organise. School drop offs and pick ups will mean you can only work very part time, so your financial contribution will be even smaller and he will feel even more entitled. While his career flourishes.

Does he at least share the money? You're not married yet so does his higher salary actually benefit you?

absolutely spot on

Be grateful.

OP should be grateful she has a partner who does nothing at home because he thinks OP should be his servant? How does that work again?

Another man who was looking for an unpaid skivvy and found one.

Me and DH have a similar pay differential. He finishes earlier than me and earns a third of what i do.

I am also 'contracted' to work 9-5 but I am expected to do the hours needed to get the job done. I rarely get home before 8

DH does all the cooking and cleaning. I don't have time or headspace to do it. I will probably run a vaccum round or dust or clean a bathroom but that's his job. I do most of the 'life admin' eg insurance, vets, mortgage, banking, bill paying etc

It's a fair apportionment and we've been doing it for 20 years

The situation you have sounds similar and totally fair. He isn't 'choosing' to stay at work he probably has to to get the job done unless he's paid by the hour.

If he's home at 8 then starting to cook then isn't practical. If you are tidy as you go then a couple of plates or pans in the dishwasher can be his job. Agree that he cleans bathrooms or vaccums at the weekend or takes the bins out.

Either way a bit of clutter or dust can be lived with when you are both busy. These things just aren't important.

How much housework and cleaning is thee to do for two working adults? You don't have to faff around cooking a three course meal every night ... soup, sandwiches, jacket potato, omelette is quick and easy.
Your DP can sort out his laundry and share of the cleaning at the weekend.
Many jobs have to put in longer than contacted hours, I work in retail (for less than half your salary) and it is totally the norm to work longer than your paid hours ... it may not be 'right' but it is the choice I accept for a career that I genuinely enjoy - maybe your DP has made the same choice?.

And of course you are both earning very good salaries ...pay for a cleaner and appreciate how fortunate you both are.

you understand and justify the hours he works
realistically here is no answer apart from they way you do things now

if you both have full time jobs, he doesn’t get to claim that he gets to bow out of household responsibility as the higher earner. That only happens if he buys his way out by replacing his labor with paid labor or buy replacing your need to work with his job (which with his attitude I don’t recommend)

I understand having a demanding job. I’ve done that myself. I’ve seen coworkers with this kind of attitude. Many of us think very poorly of them. A spouse/life partner is not an assistant.

This is how it has always been in our relationship. DH has always worked long hours in a higher salary then me. What's maybe different for us is that we discussed it and I took on more of the household roles allowing him to work and contribute more financially. It really only works if you are both on side with this. Also my DH is great at organising stuff and doing all the household finances and he really steps up at the weekend. I would suggest you and your DP sit down and have a long chat about all of this. It is the only way we have managed to keep going. Communication is key.

He's showing you who he is. If you have kids you will have to do all the parenting responsibilities- nights/sickness/feeds/nappies etc because he feels he has the more important job. You would have to reduce your hours or pay extortionate childcare fees.

For now though look at how you can reduce your work -

Get a cleaner
Order shopping online
Batch cook on a weekend or make double portions of meals and freeze 1 so you only have to cook 2-3 times a week.
Leave him to do his own stuff - laundry , purchasing toiletries, booking appointments etc

But I would think is this what you want long term?

How much housework actually is there? You shouldn’t be run ragged or tired without children. Is his £75k his ceiling or is he on a path to a higher wage. If the latter there will be expectations of working hours and culture that go along with that climb.

I also don’t believe you couldn’t afford a cleaner. If you can’t afford £200 a month for a cleaner you can’t afford £1400 a month nursery fees.

@Ragwort exactly. Only two of us here:

Dinner and dishes every night (shove stuff in microwave, oven, get takeaway)

Two/three loads of laundry a week

A swish of the Hoover and a fluff of surfaces once a week. (I say once a week, lucky if it happens once a month here)

Bed change which needs two people anyway

It's hardly the workhouse.

Of you can afford to eat out every weekend, you can afford to get a cleaner.....

I was you. Literally I was you!

we got married, had 2 kids close together and hubby worked more than ever (despite lots of promises early on that he’d go PT, cut down, help more, etc) everything and I mean everything for the house/kids got shafted onto me, I was missing so much work with poorly kids, messing everyone around, completely lost myself, eventually I collapsed under the pressure. Had a mini mental breakdown, PND, eating disorder…it was fun for everyone.

Now we have a cleaner, the kids go to nursery 3 mornings a week and I am putting myself back together. On reflection I wish I’d seen more early on what my life would inevitably turn into, the act of getting married and having kids changes nothing for the better.

SO you finish at 5 and get home when? 5.30? 6? And you are saying that you spend 3 hrs a night cooking and cleaning? why?
You are both out of the house all day - cleaning should be minimal- cooking doesn't have to take that long. what did you do when you were single?

• I do all the cooking. On weekends we generally eat out. He does his own laundry. One of us will WFH for tradespeople. I do the weekly food shop and plan all meals, keep tabs on what is getting low etc. I clean the bathroom and do the sheets*

So you cook once a day. If you have to 'meal plan' you are over complicating it.

The other things are irregular
Bathroom- once a week - do it on a Saturday and make him vacuum and do the bins while you do it
Sheets once a week. Do it it on a Saturday and make him help

Bold fail..

My other half is self employed and works long stressful hours. I work in a boring admin job that isn't very taxing.

So I do all the cleaning and shopping and house stuff. I don't mind because a) he earns more so is contributing more that way and b) it's really much less onerous than working more hours.

You would be doing all that house stuff if you were single anyway, it's just life.

Do.not.have.children.with.this.man

on tip of the above you will find once DC arrive he will suddenly 'need' his own down time on a weekend and will out doing hobbies all day.

It will be your job to look after the children, because you will have probably cut your hours already to fit in childcare/drop offs etc.. There for his argument will be you have more time of work then him and so he needs to be out the house to relax just to make it equal to you.....

Run, Run now before you tangle and more of your life with this man.

if you think it will be complicated separating now, times that by 10 when you add children into the mix.

I was in the same position as you before marriage. My boyfriend worked very long hours. I had an amazing social life during the week with meals, drinks, swimming, yoga, art galleries. This is what you need to do. The issue then was that he was so tired he usually wanted to do nothing at weekends.

I organised about 90% of the wedding stuff but I (mainly) enjoyed it.

Think very carefully about children. Do you have family near? We have 2 children and I now do a lot of domestic stuff in the evenings and cannot go out in the week evenings. We have arguments about who is going to take time off when the children are sick.

If he’s not pulling his weight in the house he needs to pay for a gardener and cleaner. Also take you out for an evening meal regularly and coordinate weekend cooking/food shopping.