DP works long hours and I'm tired

[Yogashed]

DP is on about £75k gross and works from 9-7/8ish (contracted hours 9-5). He works from the office mostly and gets home at about 8-9pm.

I earn £46k and work 9-5. After work I cook dinner so he has a meal waiting for him when he is home. I also do errands such as take the bins out and tidy up. We are planning to get married next year and we haven't even booked a venue yet- I've been doing all the work in getting quotes etc. We are also planning to go on holiday in a few weeks and again I have been doing all the work as DP is so busy with work.

DP gets home from work and doesn't have to do anything apart from put the dishes in the dishwasher and even then I take the dishes to him to put in the dishwasher and put the rubbish away etc. I am tidy when I cook and put food back in cupboards/fridge as I go.

I am really tired. Yes, I work shorter hours but I don't get a break - I am doing things until DP is home. I am stressed that the wedding and holiday won't be planned- I know nothing will happen unless I do it! Am I unreasonable to expect DP to step up and get wedding quotes and plan the holiday during his lunch break for example? Does anyone have any ideas on how to make this work better? DP does contribute more to the household as he earns more.

Accept a lower standard of living/smaller house/different area in exchange for a better of quality of life.

Your salary alone is not much less than DH and I earn combined. You can afford to live alone.

My DH is home at 4pm everyday to make the kids their tea. That to us both is worth a lot more than money.

My partner earns 4x what I currently earn. He works more hours and has a longer commute. Admittedly I do more towards the children but he still does his fair share. He also does 50% of the house chores. Maintaining a household together is all based on mutual respect and care for each other, not on what you both earn. I'd be having a serious talk about ongoing expectations before any rings are put on fingers or babies arrive.

" I earn more money" routine is such bullshit.

He may well need to do longer hours but I'll bet there is a degree of presenteeism/socialising in those hours.

You both need time off, the higher earner doesn't get free housekeeping services if you are operating as a couple. He needs to share the home load, not just dump it all on you so that both of you get equivalent time off across the week.

If he genuinely needs to work longer hours on week days then it may make sense for you to cook the dinner during the week. What about weekends? He can share cooking and other household tasks at weekends.

OP I had a conversation recently with DP around this. He's been travelling a lot recently, and while I tend to do the lions share of household stuff and cooking (he takes us out a couple of times a week)by agreement because right now it works for us, it does impact me when he is not here. We have two large high energy dogs, and alone they take up mich more time for me, plus all the little bits he does.

He does not see that when he is busy and under additonal stress, actually so I am as a by product.

I'm not sure there's much of an answer though. I take the hit because long term he's contributing our future.

I would seriously think about not having children with this man. Who's income is going to suffer when you have kids? I guarantee you it will be yours as you will have to do all the nursery/school drop offs and pick ups and you will have to be the one taking time off when they're ill. That's if you even go back to work because of the cost of childcare - you'll be expected to do everything then, housework and child rearing. Think you're tired now?! This man is not a good partner without children.

Start as you mean to go on.

Don't do stuff like taking the plates in to him for him to put in the dish washed. Just don't.

Put wedding plans on hold. Wedding plans are a subliminal message that you are happy with him in your life.

Sit him down and agree how much time you each have for chores then agree what areas you will each be responsible for, making sure that they time load on each of you is commensurate with the responsibilities you pick up.

If he can't pick this up now, don't get married. Don't have DC together. Simples.

I used to work longer hours like this by choice to avoid coming home to all this.

In senior positions you’re generally in control of your schedule, he could come back earlier if he wanted but prefers keeping away.

If I were you I’d carry on cooking dinner but leave your partner to do the clearing up. I think it makes sense for whoever is home first to do the cooking but you don’t need to be doing the clearing up as well.

But otherwise (and I genuinely don’t mean this in a snarky way) but I’m not sure what’s causing you to be so tired? It’s the norm to work full time and then cook a meal when you get home. Like others have said, you can get a cleaner if that would help and a couple of nights a week you can do really simple dinners that require no effort…jacket potato, beans on toast, pasta with a tub of ready made sauce.

I am saying this as the much lower earner in my marriage and pre-kids I worked full time but 9-5 sort of hours whilst my DH worked crazy hours. I obviously wasn’t able to contribute as much financially so I did pretty much all the cooking, cleaning, food shopping etc. That felt fair in return for him contributing much more than me financially.

I would definitely make sure that you’re happy with your setup before you have any children, if you’re thinking about starting a family. Because you will be so much more tired, with so much less time for yourself, or time to squeeze the chores into. Any resentments either of you currently feel will be magnified x1000. If the status quo isn’t working for you now then make sure you shake it up before kids are in the mix.

You sound incompatible, so don't get married.

I don't mean this rudely but if you are this tired now with a standard 9-5 job and the life admin, cooking and housework for only two adults who are out of the house all day then you will be on your knees with exhaustion if you have kids with this man.

This was my first thought. You currently have so much free time and minimal chores compared to when you add kids! Now is the "easy" time!
Find ways to simplify your tasks - hire a cleaner as many have said, a wedding planner, make simpler meals etc.
But fundamentally your partner shouldnt be expecting you to do all the chores. That's not a partnership.
Have you discussed how you'll arrange your finances after you're married and have kids? Because I fear you could end up like so many women who come on MN - the man keeps all/most of his income, or control of it, while the woman is stuck with kids, no income or a lesser income that she needs to use for children's costs, childcare costs etc. Please dont let this happen to you OP.

As far as I see it, the problem is not really that he earns more, its because he gets home late in the evenings and therefore expects you to have done everything as you finish earlier than him.

You mention he had a much lower paid job before, and yet did exactly the same thing!

So quite honestly it does sound a little like he isn't making that much of an effort to get home earlier because he essentially doesn't want to be doing any of the household grunt work.

Seen it so many times. And worked with men who actually admit they like staying late at the office because it gets them out of stuff at home.

And Fully expect him, when you have DC, to stay even later. If he literally does nothing at all, except his own washing, he is expecting you to do everything - all the time - and forever. This will include everything to do with DC. And he will always bring it back to the fact he earns more money, so you need to just deal with it. And your hours - working and looking after dc will be ALOT more than what he does 'in the office' believe me.

The fact he is taking zero interest in your wedding, would suggest he has zero interest in your wedding unfortunately.

This. I don’t get what it is you’re doing? Making dinner would have to be done for yourself anyway.

My husband works similar hours, he's very busy man. I made my peace with the fact that cooking etc. is on me and he only does gardening, car stuff like mot, repairs and small ad hoc repairs at home. He's not able to do cleaning, laundry etc. as he's shattered due to long hours and he's back home late anyway. I work same hours as you. Not sure though what makes you so tired if you have no kids, no one to look after? Surely you don't have to serve him roasted duck every night, but he could eat a soup that you cooked a night before?

His argument is he brings more money, that is his contribution. My contribution is doing more of the admin and housework.

Fair enough. He is at least being honest.

For me, that makes him not good parent material, sorry.

Some women might be happy with a higher earning partner who sees housework and parenting as somehow someone else's problem.

Wouldn't work for me.

My husband works similar hours, he's very busy man. I made my peace with the fact that cooking etc. is on me and he only does gardening, car stuff like mot, repairs and small ad hoc repairs at home. He's not able to do cleaning, laundry etc. as he's shattered due to long hours and he's back home late anyway.

I honestly think women who make all these excuses for how “shattered” men must be are jokes. Unless they work at an oil rig or down the mines 😂

Well, mine works full time+self employment+studies, so I believe him to be more tired than me working 9-5. I don't care about your husband though and what he says and does.

So the guy is working extra hours he isn’t paid for but it’s kind of an expectation, like many jobs and has a high salary. He now needs this salary because of your outgoings. He comes home at 8-9pm and the housework etc is done because OP has gotten home earlier. So OP wants him to…a) get a lower paid job? Give up their home and buy something cheaper?? Expects him to get in at 8pm and do some housework?? DH is a nurse and works 12 hr shifts, he gets paid more than me, he often doesn’t get home until 9 at night and has been on the go since 6. I wouldn’t expect him to start again at home! It sounds like a lot of people want it all. There often comes a cost with long hours and high expectations from a job. I’ve never heard of a job that pays brilliantly without high demand.

While I think he is massively taking the proverbial - why is this so stressful for you? If you were single you'd still have to make dinner and tidy it up every night. It's just the two of you in a new build, how much cleaning can it possibly need?

when he does his laundry, why doesn't he do yours too? That sounds very deliberate. Like he thinks it is your place to do that as making more money is more important.

did he equally share the housework before he got the better paying job?

honestly get a cleaner in. But that doesnt actually solve the much bigger issue that he thinks money means you do not have to provide anything else.

your relationship isnt equally. He doesnt think you are his equal. You work for him.

Is it worth going to the doctors just to check you're not low on iron or something?

I get the unfairness of the split of housework but with no kids I don't think cooking and loading the dishwasher should make you that tired....

My husband works similar hours, he's very busy man. I made my peace with the fact that cooking etc. is on me and he only does gardening, car stuff like mot, repairs and small ad hoc repairs at home. He's not able to do cleaning, laundry etc. as he's shattered due to long hours and he's back home late anyway.

What would he do if he lived by himself?

So, honestly, if you were promoted and he had to take a lower paying job, eg. your financial positions were reversed, he’d do the lions share of the domestic stuff?
I can’t help but wonder is saying ‘but I earn more, so…’ is just more socially acceptable than saying well, I’m a man, so…

Absolutely this

Prepare for your life to get 600% worse once you have a child.

My DH works longer hours than yours (although it's not a comp) and we have 2 kids. We've discussed everything along the way. It's tough. I work full time too. I'm tired. But we are on the same page most of the time and I love my kids so the stress of the pressure and it usually being me who gets shit done is OK. It is absolutely uneven. I could have a cleaner but don't. If you're fed up with it now I'd say you can expect it to grow exponentially big and toxic for you if you don't get it sorted before marriage and kids. My husbands hours just are the way they are in his industry and although yes it is an irritation at best, and the source of some occasional resentment, its also what I knowingly signed up for, so that helps, a bit, most of the time!