DP works long hours and I'm tired

[Yogashed]

DP is on about £75k gross and works from 9-7/8ish (contracted hours 9-5). He works from the office mostly and gets home at about 8-9pm.

I earn £46k and work 9-5. After work I cook dinner so he has a meal waiting for him when he is home. I also do errands such as take the bins out and tidy up. We are planning to get married next year and we haven't even booked a venue yet- I've been doing all the work in getting quotes etc. We are also planning to go on holiday in a few weeks and again I have been doing all the work as DP is so busy with work.

DP gets home from work and doesn't have to do anything apart from put the dishes in the dishwasher and even then I take the dishes to him to put in the dishwasher and put the rubbish away etc. I am tidy when I cook and put food back in cupboards/fridge as I go.

I am really tired. Yes, I work shorter hours but I don't get a break - I am doing things until DP is home. I am stressed that the wedding and holiday won't be planned- I know nothing will happen unless I do it! Am I unreasonable to expect DP to step up and get wedding quotes and plan the holiday during his lunch break for example? Does anyone have any ideas on how to make this work better? DP does contribute more to the household as he earns more.

So I'm a SAHM. DH works f/t but mainly from home (writer, self employed). He's the earner. I'm the one looking after the kids 9-6 most days. DH has still popped down to put the lunch things in the dishwasher, do the bins and wipe round the kitchen surfaces. And he popped out to Tesco Extra to grab a few bits we needed when DS (disabled) was practically hanging off my neck. And he's been on upstairs DS toilet duty all day (making sure DS wipes, flushes, washes his hands).

I'm not working at a paid job but I'm still working really hard all day, and he appreciates that. You can't really put a price on what I bring to the table here.

Your DP could get to this stage, but he'd have to take a long hard look at himself first. Would he be up for that, do you think?

I don’t understand all the man hating on here. His role requires him to work long hours and in return he gets a decent salary that you need to pay your large mortgage. At least he is coming home every night, my husband worked away Monday to Friday and I had to do it all with two babies in tow but we needed the money.

the only option is for him to change role, but you say you need the money from his current role. I can’t imagine there’s an unmanageable amount of house chores and admin at the moment, but it would get more difficult when you have children. Does he have any plans of changing the current set up in the next few years?

I’d hold tight right now and appreciate the extra money.

Man hating! 🙄

You can solve a lot of this with a relatively small amount of money - get a cleaner, simplify the cooking (eg we have Gousto 3 days per week and only get the quick options).

However, you can’t solve the attitude so think carefully about what you want from life, especially with kids. You should have ample time to plan weddings and holidays at the weekend together, no need for anyone to be doing it on lunch breaks!

2 adults what take you 3 hours every night
you don’t go his washing cooking for 2 Instead of 1 is hardly anymore effort
i f you were on your own you would still a bed to change
he gets in between 8-9 then has his tea be up at 7.30 for work

your ether lazy or unorganised house of 4

2 kids and we’ve never had 3 hours of non stop housework and stuff every night

He saw you coming, didn't he?

Christ alive, OP - if I only
worked 9-5 and had no kids, I’d be full of beans!

I agree that the split of household chores isn’t fair, but he’s probably knackered. Rather than him do more, maybe you should do less, and outsource what you can.
Get a cleaner and have a stash of
Cook ready meals in the freezer
for those evenings when you really can’t face cooking.

OP your life honestly couldn't be much easier. You don't need to batch cook when you are working 9-5 and only cooking for two people five nights a week. You could do Gousto or Hello Fresh if you want to save the shopping and meal planning.

Christ OP 'batch cooking'?! How utterly depressing.

I expect my DH to do the lions share of the food stuff as I earn 3 times as much and don't get home until 8.

If he shoves a baked potato or a microwave curry my way that's fine. I don't need him to make a bloody home cooked meal every day and when he does it's easy.

Do the same or get a Woop box for gods sake.

I think you really have to decide what you value more. A partner who does an equal share at home, or a partner who works longer hours to earn more, and therefore does less at home. Neither of these is right or wrong.

The latter choice is where you are currently headed. This is quite likely to end up with you doing the lion’s share of childcare, family admin etc down the line which is huge and may well interfere with your ability to pursue your own career. Many women end up downgrading their career because their DH is earning/working more and they’ve had to pick up most or all the domestic burden. Some are happy about this, some are not. Decide if you would be.

However, even if you are ok with the route that he works more and you do more domestically- make sure he is pulling his weight equally when he is not working. At weekends for example and when he’s stopped work, everything should be shared. Doing less because he is working more is fair, as he has less time available ; doing less just because he is earning more is not.