DP works long hours and I'm tired

[Yogashed]

DP is on about £75k gross and works from 9-7/8ish (contracted hours 9-5). He works from the office mostly and gets home at about 8-9pm.

I earn £46k and work 9-5. After work I cook dinner so he has a meal waiting for him when he is home. I also do errands such as take the bins out and tidy up. We are planning to get married next year and we haven't even booked a venue yet- I've been doing all the work in getting quotes etc. We are also planning to go on holiday in a few weeks and again I have been doing all the work as DP is so busy with work.

DP gets home from work and doesn't have to do anything apart from put the dishes in the dishwasher and even then I take the dishes to him to put in the dishwasher and put the rubbish away etc. I am tidy when I cook and put food back in cupboards/fridge as I go.

I am really tired. Yes, I work shorter hours but I don't get a break - I am doing things until DP is home. I am stressed that the wedding and holiday won't be planned- I know nothing will happen unless I do it! Am I unreasonable to expect DP to step up and get wedding quotes and plan the holiday during his lunch break for example? Does anyone have any ideas on how to make this work better? DP does contribute more to the household as he earns more.

@lion71 erm because it's what I said originally - they're not overly high for professional careers in London/SE, the OP's right. I don't really give a shit if you think pointing that fact out is obnoxious or not, I was backing up the OP.

You say your mortgage on a normal new build is massive - how massive are we talking? £3k? £4k? And did he say you can't afford a cleaner or have you just assumed?

Oh, and I don't know where people get their cleaners but in Londonand the SE you'll struggle to get a cleaner under £15ph+ and most won't do less than 2 even 3 hours so yes you re looking at not far off £50 a pop but this should still be very manageable.

@roarfeckingroarr but it doesn't matter, in terms of money for a cleaner and living, and the context of this thread it's well above average. You're just being one of those mumsnetters that likes to put people down, and boast. It's cringeworthy.

The cleaner isn't going to be there every evening to take the pots to the kitchen though, or put the bins out at 6am or whatever.

Her other half isn't pulling his weight, end of.

I'd be really wary of having children with a mam who reduced my well paid full time job down to worth less than his due to him earning more.

Yep. Marrying him before having kids won't protect you from the fact that fundamentally he does not respect or value you - he just sees you as there to facilitate his life.

Why would you want to be his unpaid nanny as well as his unpaid housekeeper alongside your own career?

Our salaries are very normal for near London- mortgage, commuting costs, high council tax, and the increasing cost of bills does mean we don't have loads left - what we have left is being saved for the wedding, which I expect will cost about £15k for a normal do.

We have also just bought a house so have zero reserves.

What does he do (if anything) around the house?

"Do not I repeat NOT stay at home doing all the unpaid, low status, no pensionable work while he does all the high paid , high status, pensionable and promotion earning work."

Wise words.

I earn about the same as your husband, slightly shorter hours but I still clean, meal plan and exercise every day and I planned a wedding and honeymoon.

Didn't think I was some kind of super hero for doing that!

Does he cook at the weekend?

Does he do his own / or half of the laundry?

Who takes time off work to be in for trades/ take the car for its MOT?

Who does the weekly food shop?

Who cleans the bathroom and changes the sheets?

Does he work over the weekends? What is the division of labour like over weekends/holidays? At the moment it sounds like you work equal hours - his is all paid employment which you also get some benefit from as he is the higher earner and pays more into the shared costs. You have your paid job and then pick up all the life non paid work which he then benefits from. It's what happens on non working days which will give you the biggest indicator of your future together. Very few people once they hit a certain level in employment work their contracted hours, it's just the way it is. Some countries have strict rules on working hours until you get to a certain level and then all bets are off. You need to decide what you value the most - money or time. If you were with someone earning the same as you, working the same hours as you, could you afford the house you are in/the lifestyle you have/the lifestyle you want? Most things in life come with compromises, this is one of them.

You don't have to do the cooking at all @Yogashed! You are totally falling for your 'D'P's story here.

And being realistic, it can take a matter of only 30 minutes to cook a decent meal, which I'm sure he can manage.

Stop trying to justify him taking all the power in this relationship. Unless you want to be a surrendered wife, of course?

I have two kids so not the same case as yours,

We bith work full time, I have two hours commute a day and more overtime hours. He earns much more, three times as much.

For me, the only important thing is how much free time we both have. If I work 12 hours a day with commute and he just 8 hours it is his job to do things around the house, take kids to the park while I rest. It is never 50:50, but close to it. I wouldn't be impressed if he asked me to scrub the kitchen after my 12 hour shift if he did only 8 hours.

So how much can you rest in a day and how much can he, including the weekends.

And then after you have screwed your own career to look after his admin / house / kids, he will then bugger off with a younger / slimmer / more interesting / more ambitious / higher earning woman who laughs at his jokes, gives him BJ every night and doesn’t have stretch marks.

And you will be on a low wage trying to support yourself and your kids. You won’t be able to afford to live in that fact house with the big mortgage but don’t worry , he will.

Then you will find he is well able to afford a cleaner.

He has shown you what he thinks of you - an unpaid housekeeper. Do you really want to risk everything to marry him and have kids with him ?

Seriously I'm sure you can afford £30 odd a week for a cleaner on those salaries? My husband earns more than me but would never expect me to be a skivvy because of it! He earns similar to your DP and finishes at 5, before me!

But you don't have to, do you? You choose to.

He could cook something quick when he gets in, or you could batch cook at the weekend, get something out to defrost in the morning and he heats it up when he gets in. He could put something in the slow cooker before he leaves for work.

He could do housework at the weekend. You don't actually have to martyr yourself spending the 2 hours you're waiting for him to get home doing housework.

The question is, why is he not doing this? Does he think having a big important man job excuses him from housework, or have you fallen into this pattern and then not communicated that you're feeling a bit put upon?

He’s unlikely to change after marriage and children.

If that’s something you can deal with then carry on but the children will be in bed by the time he’s home from work so you’ll effectively be a single married parent.

Ah, the 'my contribution is I earn more so you have to be the house slave/my PA in return' argument. If he's pulling that one already, just wait til you're earning less after babies and his career rockets because you are facilitating it. Believe me, I speak from experience. That kind of entitled cuntery just gets worse when he's got you trapped with kids. Sorry to sound so negative but it's a very dangerous path to go down with a man that's already spouting that shit. Tread carefully.

Get a cleaner, batch cook occasionally at the weekend, do a Cook order (or similar) for heathy, convenient food and have pasta pesto/omelette/beans on toast occasionally. If you’re that exhausted doing a 9-5 job and eating food in the evening I would wonder if there’s a separate issue. Maybe what you’re eating isn’t healthy, poor sleep, thyroid issue, whatever. You just shouldn’t be crazy tired

Why aren’t you sitting down watching tv for an hour before he comes back? What are you doing for 2 hours?

I missed this post.

Salary is irrelevant. Working hours are potentially relevant, but just because he works longer hours doesn't mean he is excused from doing any housework. Given you both have the whole weekend to do housework unencumbered by children, the % difference in the amount of free time you have is pretty negligible tbh.

"Do not I repeat NOT stay at home doing all the unpaid, low status, no pensionable work while he does all the high paid , high status, pensionable and promotion earning work."

just want to hightlight this one again. And to agree with pp who say it is mostly about the timing of things. I wouldn't want to cook after getting home at 8pm, and i wouldn't want to wait for my spouse to cook for me at 8pm if it was "their turn". So i get all socialist on it and say "from each according to their ability and to each according to their need"

So, if you have time in the evening to cook so dinner is ready when he gets home, that's fine. And he then has time after dinner to do the dishes/load the dishwasher/wipe round the kitchen. Etc
Save the big jobs for the weekend and do them together or divide them according to a) who does them better/more efficiently and b) how much time you're both spending on them. (in our case it meant DH cooking & cleaning kitchen, living areas bedrooms, me bathrooms toilets and garden) etc etc.

You have to work as a partnership and 50/50 doesn't necessarily mean every day equal "wifework" just that overall you each pull your weight.

Take time for yourself. At 5pm when you finish work, why not go and do a hobby until 7**

Gym, reconnect with family and friends, go for a coffee and read a book, sports, yoga class, craft? Whatever your interests are, take that 2 hours a day to enjoy yourself!

Aim to be home at the same time as him (7) or later and then say "I'm going to go and do some tidying upstairs, why don't you cook tea? Shout me when it's done."

Or you could say "bathroom needs cleaning and we need to make tea so which do you fancy".

Or "I don't mind tidying up after tea if you make it"

But it's some statement indicating that there are several jobs to do, and he needs to do half of those jobs.

You're still taking a "management role" here which is annoying because why should you do that?

But it's better than the current scenario!

We work longer hours than that. Neither of us gets a free pass. When we were single we had to feed and clothe ourselves for and clean up and we continue to do so now. There is no reason at all someone working these hours can’t contribute equally at home.