Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DP works long hours and I'm tired

185 replies

Yogashed · 26/10/2022 08:52

DP is on about £75k gross and works from 9-7/8ish (contracted hours 9-5). He works from the office mostly and gets home at about 8-9pm.

I earn £46k and work 9-5. After work I cook dinner so he has a meal waiting for him when he is home. I also do errands such as take the bins out and tidy up. We are planning to get married next year and we haven't even booked a venue yet- I've been doing all the work in getting quotes etc. We are also planning to go on holiday in a few weeks and again I have been doing all the work as DP is so busy with work.

DP gets home from work and doesn't have to do anything apart from put the dishes in the dishwasher and even then I take the dishes to him to put in the dishwasher and put the rubbish away etc. I am tidy when I cook and put food back in cupboards/fridge as I go.

I am really tired. Yes, I work shorter hours but I don't get a break - I am doing things until DP is home. I am stressed that the wedding and holiday won't be planned- I know nothing will happen unless I do it! Am I unreasonable to expect DP to step up and get wedding quotes and plan the holiday during his lunch break for example? Does anyone have any ideas on how to make this work better? DP does contribute more to the household as he earns more.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 27/10/2022 06:44

How did he cope before you were on the scene?

foodloverjon · 27/10/2022 06:45

I sense a subtle competitiveness between you as you mention your saries at the head of your question and then go on to compare what each of you do on the domestic level in regards to chores.
My instinct would be that you do not get married but marry your careers/incomes instead. You can then indulge yourselves fully in yourselves. Good luck.

Blablablaaaaa · 27/10/2022 06:45

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 27/10/2022 06:41

I was in the same position as you before marriage. My boyfriend worked very long hours. I had an amazing social life during the week with meals, drinks, swimming, yoga, art galleries. This is what you need to do. The issue then was that he was so tired he usually wanted to do nothing at weekends.

I organised about 90% of the wedding stuff but I (mainly) enjoyed it.

Think very carefully about children. Do you have family near? We have 2 children and I now do a lot of domestic stuff in the evenings and cannot go out in the week evenings. We have arguments about who is going to take time off when the children are sick.

Yes I’d be off doing lots of nice things too and also opting for simple meals like omelette or jacket potato

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Clymene · 27/10/2022 06:58

garlictwist · 27/10/2022 06:20

My other half is self employed and works long stressful hours. I work in a boring admin job that isn't very taxing.

So I do all the cleaning and shopping and house stuff. I don't mind because a) he earns more so is contributing more that way and b) it's really much less onerous than working more hours.

You would be doing all that house stuff if you were single anyway, it's just life.

You're a mug

CocktailNapkin · 27/10/2022 07:12

Are you not just making things overly complicated on yourselves? Or does someone have really high standards for no reason? Who is eating a full cooked dinner at 9pm every night? Does he (or you) have some sort of belief that married/cohab life is all about some level of perfection?

I remember early relationships thinking that was how it went. Now? yeah, no. Its (almost) equal weight all the way. Even if I have time and the dishwasher is clean or the bin is full, unless he is exceptionally busy/will be really late, those are his jobs. He's an able bodied adult, he can handle 10 minutes of housework (tops!) on a day or cook a nicer meal/grill on a weekend. He also manages the bits he is good at, and I do the same. Is it exactly 50%? Probably not but we each have a physical and mental load that works, trust the other to do their job when it works for them, and we pay someone to do the chore neither of us likes (gardening).

If you are physically tired, then perhaps a medical check is in order. If you are mentally tired, then perhaps a reconsideration of the whole relationship is what is needed instead.

JulesCobb · 27/10/2022 07:12

HairyMcLarie · 27/10/2022 06:05

@Ragwort exactly. Only two of us here:

Dinner and dishes every night (shove stuff in microwave, oven, get takeaway)

Two/three loads of laundry a week

A swish of the Hoover and a fluff of surfaces once a week. (I say once a week, lucky if it happens once a month here)

Bed change which needs two people anyway

It's hardly the workhouse.

Bed change which needs two people anyway

in what way does changing a bed need two people?!

HairyMcLarie · 27/10/2022 07:27

@JulesCobb heavy California king here. DH can do it alone I can't. I still need him to tuck sheets in as the mattress is ridiculous.

Anything more than single bed making with 1 person is a frustrating crinkly horror that takes about 15 exhausting minutes. Bed making with two takes about 2 minutes.

If there's two in the house then makes sense to both do it so in my head it's a 2 person job and it's an easy thing for OP to get the DH to take part responsibility for

BankseyVest · 27/10/2022 07:41

Tbh op, his attitude stinks! I'd be seriously thinking if I'd want to be married to someone who's attitude is that he doesn't have to do any house or life admin because he's earning money. It will be hellish if you ever have dc. There's plenty of threads on here for you to read to realise that.

Ivyonafence · 27/10/2022 07:49

Don't get pregnant until you sort this bullshit out- it will destroy you when you have children.

Hire a cleaner. People with intense high paying jobs should be investing their time wisely, and outsourcing what doesn't further their goals. You need to hire a cleaner and reallocate the time you are currently spending on that.

He should cook at least one night a week- he can batch cook on weekends (like many working women do). He needs to plan the meal, and order the food.

You need to set the expectation that he needs to be capable of preparing a meal and he is part of the team. Otherwise all this will be set in motion to forever fall to you. It will only get worse.

If he's Mr Career too busy to help then he needs to be happy to pay for it. Otherwise what is the career for?

Don't be his maid and chef. You are facilitating his career growth at the expense of your own career/income/enjoyment/leisure time/etc etc. stop sacrificing yourself for him.

Ballsaque · 27/10/2022 07:51

What a pp said….. if you can afford to eat out at the weekends then you can afford a cleaner.

Although that’s not necessarily the main issue here is it?

This will be a million times worse when you have children.

Ivyonafence · 27/10/2022 07:53

And stop making this man home cooked meals every night.

Get home, relax. Do nothing one evening. Make yourself a sandwich for dinner and leave him to fend for himself.

You need to break this expectation that he has a 50s housewife at home (who also has a full time job!)

ehb102 · 27/10/2022 09:28

Sister, you are doing it to yourself. Learn from the wisdom here or you'll turn into a woman with two children under 5, no help, no nursery or cleaner because "we can't justify spending when I'm not working" feeling trapped because he earns and your confidence is shot.

Original poster
Yogashed · 27/10/2022 11:58

I just feel like because he contributes more to the joint pot I should pick up the work at home. Batch cooking will make my life easier

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 27/10/2022 12:03

What are you, some sort of martyr? Relax, go for a run, a peloton, meet a friend for curry and wine, put your feet up, have a bubble bath, slob about and watch crap on the tv.

You're making me tired! Wink

And sort all this, with Dh before you have kids!

BIWI · 27/10/2022 12:23

Then what was the point of posting, @Yogashed? Genuinely? What did you want to hear from us?

It's a pretty unanimous response from people, after hundreds of posts, that you are being taken for a mug. And you're enabling your partner by being so martyrish over the whole thing!

Earning more does not mean doing less. You are - or at least should be - an equal partnership. Unless you want to be a submissive wife, of course Hmm

In which case, crack on. But don't expect many here to support that.

FinallyHere · 27/10/2022 13:12

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 26/10/2022 18:05

So, honestly, if you were promoted and he had to take a lower paying job, eg. your financial positions were reversed, he’d do the lions share of the domestic stuff?
I can’t help but wonder is saying ‘but I earn more, so…’ is just more socially acceptable than saying well, I’m a man, so…

This. I'm very sorry to say it might well be this.

G5000 · 27/10/2022 13:23

I just feel like because he contributes more to the joint pot I should pick up the work at home.

If one partner works significantly longer hours then yes it would be fair for the other to do a bit more of the housework. But ALL the work? This will not change when you have DC, except that there will be a 100 times more work. Just because he brings in an extra what, 1000 something per month?

CocktailNapkin · 27/10/2022 14:08

If you are both thinking in terms of money and who makes what, contributes what, and the value of home labour, then the whole thing sounds completely transactional. Thats not how solid relationships work, not with the ebb and flow of life.

crumpetswithjam · 27/10/2022 14:29

Yogashed · 27/10/2022 11:58

I just feel like because he contributes more to the joint pot I should pick up the work at home. Batch cooking will make my life easier

Has this thread taught you absolutely nothing?

Naunet · 27/10/2022 15:46

Yogashed · 26/10/2022 10:20

He does work from home a couple of days a week but still does long hours so I have to do the cooking.

Show quote history

No, you don’t “have” to. You’re setting yourself up to be his skivvy. If he was single he’d still have to do his own housework and cooking.

What happens at the weekends?

BIWI · 27/10/2022 15:52

I'm beginning to wonder how genuine this is Hmm

Naunet · 27/10/2022 16:07

Yogashed · 27/10/2022 11:58

I just feel like because he contributes more to the joint pot I should pick up the work at home. Batch cooking will make my life easier

How does he contribute more exactly? Does he pay a bigger percentage of the bills? If it’s purely towards the mortgage, does he still expect equity to be split 50/50 or does he get a bigger share because he paid more? Do you have equal spending money?

User0610134057 · 27/10/2022 16:12

Whilst I know it’s not a competition…. I’m finding it hard to comprehend what the problem is.
but then I’m coming from the point of view of working full time with 3 children, plus a messy separation/divorce going on, and a ‘d’H who even before the separation did nothing for the house or the kids or me and is out of the house 7am - 9pm or travelling abroad.
i also manage to hold down a few musical commitments/hobbies.

what do you do with your evenings and weekends???

Naunet · 27/10/2022 16:16

User0610134057 · 27/10/2022 16:12

Whilst I know it’s not a competition…. I’m finding it hard to comprehend what the problem is.
but then I’m coming from the point of view of working full time with 3 children, plus a messy separation/divorce going on, and a ‘d’H who even before the separation did nothing for the house or the kids or me and is out of the house 7am - 9pm or travelling abroad.
i also manage to hold down a few musical commitments/hobbies.

what do you do with your evenings and weekends???

The problem is he’s showing signs that he’s going to turn into the exact same man as your soon to be ex!

Orangello · 27/10/2022 16:23

I’m finding it hard to comprehend what the problem is./.../ ‘d’H who even before the separation did nothing for the house or the kids or me

Well this here exactly is the problem. It's not like your DH suddenly one morning woke up and decide to go from equal relationship to doing nothing. More likely he started out just like OP's partner.