DP works long hours and I'm tired

[Yogashed]

DP is on about £75k gross and works from 9-7/8ish (contracted hours 9-5). He works from the office mostly and gets home at about 8-9pm.

I earn £46k and work 9-5. After work I cook dinner so he has a meal waiting for him when he is home. I also do errands such as take the bins out and tidy up. We are planning to get married next year and we haven't even booked a venue yet- I've been doing all the work in getting quotes etc. We are also planning to go on holiday in a few weeks and again I have been doing all the work as DP is so busy with work.

DP gets home from work and doesn't have to do anything apart from put the dishes in the dishwasher and even then I take the dishes to him to put in the dishwasher and put the rubbish away etc. I am tidy when I cook and put food back in cupboards/fridge as I go.

I am really tired. Yes, I work shorter hours but I don't get a break - I am doing things until DP is home. I am stressed that the wedding and holiday won't be planned- I know nothing will happen unless I do it! Am I unreasonable to expect DP to step up and get wedding quotes and plan the holiday during his lunch break for example? Does anyone have any ideas on how to make this work better? DP does contribute more to the household as he earns more.

I tell you one thing. If you are getting your arse out because you have to cook a meal for just the two of you then don't get married. He'll thank you for it.

And don't kill yourself cooking.

Egg on toast, soup and sandwich, jacket potato and salad etc is fine on a weeknight evening.

Look for 30 mins or less, one pot meals and crack them out when it's your turn!

What is your mortgage payment per month, do you mind saying? Or rather what is the monthly mortgage payment in relation to your joint monthly income eg 30%? 25%?

if he is financially minded which it sounds like he is, I think you need to hammer home the impact of him working these 3 hours unpaid every day. He’s working 15 hours a week unpaid, and that’s assuming he doesn’t work at all during the weekend (from what you’ve described of him it sounds like he might sometimes work at the weekend?). Most full time people work 8 hours a day so he’s essentially working 2 days a week for free! In transparency me and my husband both earn more than him and there is no way I’m clocking that many unpaid hours for my employer.

If you have a big mortgage and are suffering the high London living costs I think he seriously needs to consider the industry he’s in and this role he’s in - to normalise 2 days a week worth of unpaid hours is not worth 75k in my opinion. I would be expecting 6 figures plus for it to be eating into his personal life to that extent.

If you want to get married and start a family I think you really need to set some boundaries with him and if this isn’t working for you now, it won’t work for you when you’re married with kids.
If he is unwilling to share the load, and unwilling to reduce his hours, and unwilling to fork out for a cleaner to help your mental headspace what is he willing to do for the relationship to work?

I do all the cooking. On weekends we generally eat out.
He does his own laundry.
One of us will WFH for tradespeople.
I do the weekly food shop and plan all meals, keep tabs on what is getting low etc.
I clean the bathroom and do the sheets.

He's taking the piss then.

I earn twice what your DP earns and I work 50 hours a week minimum. DH earns significantly less and works 9 - 5. I find time to do all the food shopping, cooking, about half the cleaning, sorting out car servicing, animal needs, washing etc. Tell your DP to step up.

@Yogashed so he does nothing else for you then other than his greater contribution to costs. Own washing and you both eat out when there's time available for him to cook. Don't have children with him - if you think you're tired now, you'll be dead on your feet with two 2DC and his lack of input into family life.

I'd just say from now on all housework is left (bar literally clearing up after yourselves), and the two of you blast it on a Saturday morning - 2 hours work would see the place sparking

Oops posted early

Sparkling.

He needs to cook on the evenings he works from home and you'll do the other evenings.

Isn't that equally as unbalanced though? It sounds like you work more hours, contribute more financially (providing you earning more than OP's OH equals you contributing more than your OH) and do more than half of the unpaid work - that's not a great example of how OP's OH should step up if it just tips the scales in the other direction rather than balancing them out.

I think you should listen to stories from stay at home parents, it will help put into perspective what not having a break actually means. And most people don't have that kind of money for a better lifestyle or the option of getting a cleaner. Be grateful.

What happens weekends? What is he doing vs what are you doing?

If he's unwilling to help with the wedding I'd assume he's not interested and cancel it. Do not get pregnant.

Tot up how many hours each of you spend working (including unpaid housework, mental load stuff like researching and booking holidays etc) per week and aim for roughly similar amounts of leisure time.

If you're getting married with a view to starting a family, I'd be clear what you're getting into. Kids = less time to yourself, more mess, more washing, more cooking, less sleep. If he's not willing to step up, he might not be the right person to spend your life with.

What would happen if you had the same job and hours as him? How would the house be managed? You need to think about some of the underlying assumptions you have both made about who does what and who needs to be concerned with house stuff.

You can also step back a bit - don't clean or cook so much. But ultimately you can fall into a trap where you pick up the slack because it seems unattractive to nag, the man doesn't want to do his share because it's not how anyone wants to spend their free time - the crunch has to come somewhere.

Have you thought about getting a check up at a GP? You are very young, working normal hours, no dcs. You really shouldn't be tired unless you are very stressed

I agree with this. Married, 9-5 job, pre-kids was the easiest time of my life.
And I did all the cooking and housework because dh worked long hours and I didn't mind. How much mess can 2 adults make?

I quite agree. Just pointing out that it's possible.

If you're both out all week it can't possibly get that dirty.
Wipe sides and sinks down as you use them / rinse shower as you use it (both of you), chuck a load in the dishwasher at night and take move mess as you make it (both of you) and you shouldn't need to do much in the week.

Id do bedding on a weekend so you can get the bedding washed, dried and put away in one day. House can be blasted in a couple of hours. Split it between you. If it needs more, get a cleaner in for two hours mid week.
If he's not cooking at the weekend he can prep for a couple of nights in the week for when he's working from home.

He won't change by choice because frankly why would he? He can hang out at work and be very important, then walk in to someone who's cooked his dinner, washed his sheets and tidied up after him.

Before I was married to my husband we had similar schedules - he'd get in about 7.30 and i'd be home by 4/4.30!

While it was like that I just sorted my own dinner and laundry and I'd go off to a gym class in the evening or whatever - leave him to sort himself when he got home!!

We would batch cook together at the weekends so there would be easy dinners available for both of us to make life a bit easier in the evenings after work.

It's different now we have a child and everything - for starters he is out the door of work at the dot of 5.30 and home to us no more working late and also he does his share of nursery drop off picks up etc -but pre kids it wasn't a big deal.

And yes, saying you don't get a break because you work until DP comes home - having kids is vastly more work. I WFH on a part time week job, I have two kids who are out at school/nursery most of the time.

Typical days every waking hour is either work or childcare from 6am to 8.30pm, with maybe an hour or an hour and a half in the evening free, during which time there's often washing, organising, cooking, cleaning etc to do. And that's with really slutty housekeeping standards!

Big red flags here. Do you really want to marry and procreate with someone who thinks that it's up to the woman to be his skivvy? How helpful do you think he will be with any future children? I'd be rethinking the relationship.

Yes he needs to want to be more involved in planning your wedding.

However if you lived alone presumably you would have to shop/eat/cook/ clean. So other than making him food (which is reasonable considering hours you both work) then can't be much extra. Maybe both clean at weekends?

I would write a list of everything that needs doing.

Then I would look at what he does vs what you do and what things he can do.

It would be unreasonable for him to cook on week days as that means you’d end up having to eat much later, so it impacts you.

Things like ringing companies may also have to fall to you because of their opening times.

But I bet there are a lot of things he can do which will make you feel less like a maid.

Did he live alone before he met you?

So you have a small new build house (so no maintenance or renovation jobs) with just the two of you, you eat out at weekends and he does his own laundry? I'm not sure what's making you so tired as you are only doing what you would have to do if you lived alone. He should definitely share the jobs and the wedding planning but it doesnt sound like you are doing any excessive work.

Or she could just get her own dinner and leave him to sort his own! @CarefreeMe they don't have to eat together every evening.

He can use his lunch break to do a bit of wedding admin or do it at weekends.

You don't need to call places these days - usually an email will do the trick! that can be sent on the weekend.

It's not normal to be so tired from cooking

Or she could just get her own dinner and leave him to sort his own!

But if she’s cooking any way then why not put on some extra for him too?

He could be using his lunchtimes at home to prep the food or put a slow cooker on but it would be petty of them to cook dinner just for themselves when it takes no extra effort to cook for 2.