DP works long hours and I'm tired

[Yogashed]

DP is on about £75k gross and works from 9-7/8ish (contracted hours 9-5). He works from the office mostly and gets home at about 8-9pm.

I earn £46k and work 9-5. After work I cook dinner so he has a meal waiting for him when he is home. I also do errands such as take the bins out and tidy up. We are planning to get married next year and we haven't even booked a venue yet- I've been doing all the work in getting quotes etc. We are also planning to go on holiday in a few weeks and again I have been doing all the work as DP is so busy with work.

DP gets home from work and doesn't have to do anything apart from put the dishes in the dishwasher and even then I take the dishes to him to put in the dishwasher and put the rubbish away etc. I am tidy when I cook and put food back in cupboards/fridge as I go.

I am really tired. Yes, I work shorter hours but I don't get a break - I am doing things until DP is home. I am stressed that the wedding and holiday won't be planned- I know nothing will happen unless I do it! Am I unreasonable to expect DP to step up and get wedding quotes and plan the holiday during his lunch break for example? Does anyone have any ideas on how to make this work better? DP does contribute more to the household as he earns more.

He is working horrendous hours and I'm not surprised that he is exhausted.

Do you want to have DC? It's only going to get 10 times worse at that point. He will barely see them and you can bet you will be expected to do everything for them (much more time consuming and exhausting than planning a wedding) potentially along with maintaining your own job.

Is it really worth it? Is this the life the two of you want to live? Is there a possibility for him to drop hours in the future sometime?

On c.£7k take home pay unless your mortgage is £4k+ a month you are being ridiculous and could afford a cleaner once, if not twice a week.

That said, the fact your OH thinks because he earns more he's exempt from chores would really piss me off and be a massive turn off (not to mention red flag for future parenting!). Can he not work from home 1 or 2 days a week? There are so many posts on here from women who have husband's with BIG IMPORTANT jobs who can't possibly leave work before 7/8pm which conveniently excuses then from doing FUCK ALL else. I seriously don't know how people live like that - hardly much of a relationship if you never see each other and you spend your spare time doing the cooking and housework.

Fuck that shit I'd rather be single.

You could afford a cleaner. Ridiculous to say you can't afford someone in 2 days a week for 4 hours. 2 people don't generate much mess. Cooking for 2 people should be a big deal unless it's a four course meal! If DP clears up and loads the dishwasher that's an equal task.

Discuss and organise the wedding at the weekend together when presumably neither of you are working.

You need to re-evaluate your priorities. You have £121k between you and no children. You can sort this out quite easily. Get a cleaner, order takeaways, change jobs. Change man. Downsize the house. Do you catch up on sleep at weekends?

He does work from home a couple of days a week but still does long hours so I have to do the cooking.

Cut back on something else and get a cleaner.

Though, I'm not sure I believe you can't afford a cleaner on those salaries.

We need to live near London for work - we have a normal new build small house but the mortgage is just ridiculous (we bought recently).

I didn't realise a cleaner is so reasonably priced - I expected a cleaner to be around £50 a pop. I grew up in a poor family, so I thought a cleaner is something just the rich had.

You work a 9 to 5 job and have no children. What's the problem??? I wouldn't recommend having children if you are struggling already.

I did all this for my husband pre-kids. For some reason I had it in my head that he worked such long hours that I needed to pick up all the pieces because I was the slightly lower earner.

I was a teacher in a comprehensive in central London. He was a writer. He should've been making MY dinner.

I nixxed all the extras once the kids came along and you have never seen anyone huff and puff so much. It's only this year, when he's got himself along to therapy, that he can see how little he actually contributed (I love his therapist, she seems to very gently lead him to all sorts of conclusions that benefit us!) and now he does his share.

Stop doing the extra shit right now. And get a cleaner.

What happens at the weekend with things like cleaning and laundry etc? It's one thing to suggest the person "free" during the week picks up a bit more of the house tasks, but if you are both free at the weekends then he should be doing half of everything required.

It pains me to hear that he reduces this to money earned. At the end of the day you both work full time. Just because your job pays a (good!) 45k and his pays more, doesn't mean you owe more elsewhere.

I'd be really wary of having children with a mam who reduced my well paid full time job down to worth less than his due to him earning more.

I get it OP. Those salaries aren't so high in/near London, they're what you expect for early/mid professional careers.

Definitely get a cleaner. You can afford it and it's worth the expense.

Or you could just nip to the registry office on a Tuesday morning while no-one is looking. Then all the wedding/holiday hassle goes away. Instantly.

Have you thought about getting a check up at a GP? You are very young, working normal hours, no dcs. You really shouldn't be tired unless you are very stressed. I'm 59, post breast cancer, full time job, sole care of dc, running a house on my own, mortgage, school fees etc, and I'm not tired. I make sure I eat well, go to bed early, get some exercise and I'm fine. Might be worth a check up.

@roarfeckingroarr I suggest you look at this thread, those wages are well above average, even in London.

To wonder what’s deemed middle income, low income, high income? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4663168-to-wonder-whats-deemed-middle-income-low-income-high-income

I actually second PPs in that maybe you're overthinking / overdoing stuff. With no children to look after, you shouldn't be so tired by life. Definitely get a cleaner and also check your iron levels.

Your partner should be doing more. Maybe he could batch cook at the weekends?

I thought a cleaner is something just the rich had.

Objectively you are the rich. Enjoy.

I took tired to mean "tired of this set up" not sleepy tired.

@lion71 for professional careers though? Not just across all jobs.

@yogashed do you have health issues you haven't mentioned? Otherwise a full time job and running a house shouldn't have you that tired assuming you are quite young. You have weekends to rest too. I agree your other half should be helping more but if you're struggling now I also wonder how you'll cope with kids

@roarfeckingroarr what's that got to do with anything, it's a good salary and it's obnoxious to claim otherwise.

I honestly don’t see how you can be tired by cooking a meal every day and taking the bins out etc.

Surely these are just normals things that everyone does.

There’s nothing stopping him from washing the dishes or taking the bins out before work and he should absolutely be pulling his weight but if you want to keep the lifestyle you have then you have to accept that he needs to work long hours to do that.
Unfortunately, that means you picking up some of the slack.

I don’t think you need a cleaner as 2 adults can’t be that messy.

If I was you I would be cooking and cleaning.
But he needs to wash the dishes up after you’ve both eaten.

He can definitely take the bins out and put his dirty laundry in the laundry basket, ready for you to shove in the washing machine.

I would make sure that most of the cleaning, cooking and laundry is done on the weekend, so during the week it’s just keeping on top of it.

I always cook a meal for 2 people which serves 4.
I then heat it up the next day or day after that.

I would make sure that most of the cleaning, cooking and laundry is done on the weekend, so during the week it’s just keeping on top of it.

I mean both of you do it on the weekend - not just you.

So on the 2 days he works from home he can clock off at 7pm (so keeping the all essential overtime 🙄) and make dinner for you both.

From your posts I don't get the impression you are physically tired or incapable of doing everything but sick of him doing nothing. As you should be.

Everyone that's already posted is right. He's told you who he is. Listen. You are in for years of resentment otherwise. He thinks he's above domestic chores. That you are there to serve him. So stop. Let him see what life without you sorting it is like. If he still doesn't step up, leave. You will save yourself years of stress and misery.

From your posts I don't get the impression you are physically tired or incapable of doing everything but sick of him doing nothing. As you should be.

Yes probably mental fatigue from the frustration of the relationship rather than physical.