DP left with my bank card, no response. I'm worried and can't sleep.

[Awakestill1]

Disclaimer, there has been infidelity in the past which I found out about after he left in the middle of a night and sent me a text for me to wake up to.. so admittedly I'm super anxious at any sign of anything being amiss.

He works nights and always texts me on his break at 12.15. Tonight he asked if he could borrow my bank card to get himself something to eat on his break as he doesnt get paid until next week, no problem.

I remembered we need nappies so I text him at 11ish asking him to pick some up on his way home in the morning. No reply. Unusual for him.

His break comes and goes, radio silence. I thought perhaps his phone had died but it rings when I call (it wouldn't get him into trouble, he has it on silent at work anyway)

I'm flitting between thinking he's had an accident to then thinking he has done a bunk again. I'm royally screwed without my bank card.

Is anybody around to talk to me? Please be kind, I have PND and I'm a little fragile atm.

My late OH couldn't remember his PIN sometimes, he once called across the till at a DIY store What's my PIN! I knew his and I thinlk he knew mine, seemed fairly normal.

Dh, Dc and I all know each other's pin. In fact we always change new cards to the same pin so all our pins are the same (older adult dc, younger dc isn't trusted with this system yet)
Makes sense to us as I often return clothes in town for dc with their bank card or use Dh's bank card if I happen to be driving his car or ordering our food in a restaurant that requires you to order at the bar and we're using his account etc

All those sharing PINs- please find other ways of dealing with it. Seriously, please.

All the best op

Nah. It's fine. Seriously, stop worrying about things that literally everyone I knoe does.

Maybe you just need to find someone more trustworthy. DP and I know each other's pins. We always have done. Sometimes we need to borrow each other's cards.

If you can't trust your DH with your PIN then he really shouldn't be your DH!

Absolutely. If you can’t trust them with 4 digits how can you trust them to share your entire life?

I agree, I stayed with my Partner for 19 years knowing he was a cheating shit. When he left me I felt free, I no longer had to worry where he was-who he was spending our money on etc. Be brave - your children just need one happy parent

People are missing the point of card sharing and PIN knowledge. It’s nothing to do with not trusting your partner, but it’s very bloody difficult to answer the bank truthfully when the ask “does anyone else have access to your card and PIN?” You're setting yourself up to not get reimbursed in a case of fraud.

Having been married over 30 years obviously DH knows my PIN, but I wouldn’t lend him my card. If he needs money, I transfer it to his bank.

OP, if you have a chronic health condition you might be eligible for financial support from the Department of Work and Pensions through either PIP or ESA. This might give you the financial means to pay for the practical support you need.

@Awakestill1, I was about to say what@Prettydress said here. Perhaps start looking into what support and help there is out there should you decide to dump him (which I think would be the best thing you could do to be honest). I agree that if you were to dump him it wouldn't be as bad as when he disappeared as you'd be the one in control. You wouldn't have the rug pulled from underneath you with no warning like before. It might be worth contacting your GP too, as many surgeries have people who know what practical and emotional support is out there and can help signpost you to services you may not know about.

She banks you can freeze the card on line then unfreeze it again very easily

Yeah, quite a few people told me up thread.
I'm glad that's a feature. Makes it much easier.

Can I just say I was exactly the same after my husband had a fling while working away, I was a nervous wreck every time he left the house, it took a long time for me to relax about it, it’s horrible to live thru and not many relationships survive it. In the end I just thought if he’s going to cheat he will, there is nothing I can do about it, and I just got on and did my own thing, not easy with 3 kids. I am at the stage now where he needs me more now than I need him and he knows it. I love him, but I’m not as in love with him as I once was, it’s made me stronger. He hasnt cheated again that I know of but he’s had his chance and he won’t get another. 🙂

Exactly, you can only change the way you react !

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

I've taken the advice to change my PIN number.

WRT any benefits I might be entitled I've been considering applying for PIP already but haven't given myself that much needed kick up the bum as I know how hard it is to get and how demoralising the process can be. I'll bite the bullet and give it a go. I have plenty of medical evidence, it's just whether they think I'm disabled enough I guess.

I can't find the @ of the poster who suggested the Nicole Sach's podcasts but a huge thank you to you, I'm on my second episode of the evening already.

Those of you here who have been through the same my heart goes out to you, it's such a horrible thing to go through. It is a little empowering to see others say how much better life got once they got rid.

@Awakestill1
You write beautifully, OP, considering you are so anxious. No advice, but so many of us are following you on this and we are with you, and your baby. Best wishes

I checked my Lloyd's app, you can freeze all different ways

Online only
With physical card etc

We’ve got to make this happen!!! You’ve got a real talent for design!

It is worth asking a voluntary organisation associated with your condition or an advocacy agency such as the CAB to help with applying for any benefits.

They will know what to write and talk you through the process. It is likely that in the first instance you will be turned down but if you go to tribunal you will most probably get awarded it if you are entitled. The system is designed to put people off applying. The tribunal panel are usually made up of decent human beings, not like the agency who assess the applications initially.

Good luck.

I could probably draw up a design and make a prototype. Probably need to start a new thread though!

I get it. I have chronic health issues too and although H does very little that 30 minutes there's a second set of hands makes the evenings a little less crazy. In return though I have to live with someone that's destroyed my self esteem, made me feel anxious and scared and I know I can't actually count on him for even that little bit of help. Sounds like your DP has put you through something very similar. For me at least all staying has done is harmed me more. It's not worth it. I'm waiting on a surgery that should happen in the next few weeks, then hopefully I can find the courage to tell him we're done. H is emotionally abusive and gets angry so it's panic inducing thinking about telling him.

You don't deserve what your DP put you through. He's earnt every last bit of your suspicions and caused so much worry and harm to you. I'd he'd want time with DC you might find you have EOW and a night or two each week to rest and get a bit better health wise. You might get more help if you seperate. Or not, I'm not saying to count on that, just it's not necessarily a case of having to cope without his help if you seperate.

@HoppingPavlova I’ve been on work trips for several days and don’t bother about texting/ringing DH nor him I, and if he did I would presume there was an emergency

That's actually quite sad. I can’t imagine being married to someone and going days without speaking for any reason whatsoever. Before my husband died, we were very close but still managed to each have our independence & freedom. We enjoyed speaking to each other and had a wonderful connection.

Indeed this is why I roll my eyes at so many people who get scammed or are subject to fraud. Your bank tells you never to share your pin number.

That's actually quite sad. I can’t imagine being married to someone and going days without speaking for any reason whatsoever. Before my husband died, we were very close but still managed to each have our independence & freedom. We enjoyed speaking to each other and had a wonderful connection.

I didn’t say I don’t enjoy talking to him! Or my (now adult) children. Just that we don’t NEED to if on a work trip which are generally completely full on and if there was a call it would be done while flying in a hotel room door from a conference, chucking another set of clothes on, touching up face etc and flying out door again to all troop on a bus. Always a bus so it’s not a place close by walking distance and people can’t leave early when dinner is finished but must chat/mingle until time for bus to return to hotel, or we’d obviously all piss off once last bite was had. Or, the reason you are on the work trip is new procedures etc where you can be tied up for well over a working day in an environment where you can’t take a phone call let alone leisurely chit chat phone call, throw in time difference and unless you want to wake your partner/kids at 4am in the morning for a 90 second call taken while you are wee’ing in order to fit it in, it’s a no go.

I used to work long shifts and often over 72hrs straight while kids were young and didn’t even have time to finish a bag of chips from a vending machine for a meal break let alone call home to chat with DH/kids. I really thank goodness my DH didn’t/doesn’t have the same definition of ‘sad’ as you do in this regard and he had a genuine respect that I was in a situation where it just wasn’t possible and it certainly wasn’t a measure of enjoying each other and connection.