DP left with my bank card, no response. I'm worried and can't sleep.

[Awakestill1]

Disclaimer, there has been infidelity in the past which I found out about after he left in the middle of a night and sent me a text for me to wake up to.. so admittedly I'm super anxious at any sign of anything being amiss.

He works nights and always texts me on his break at 12.15. Tonight he asked if he could borrow my bank card to get himself something to eat on his break as he doesnt get paid until next week, no problem.

I remembered we need nappies so I text him at 11ish asking him to pick some up on his way home in the morning. No reply. Unusual for him.

His break comes and goes, radio silence. I thought perhaps his phone had died but it rings when I call (it wouldn't get him into trouble, he has it on silent at work anyway)

I'm flitting between thinking he's had an accident to then thinking he has done a bunk again. I'm royally screwed without my bank card.

Is anybody around to talk to me? Please be kind, I have PND and I'm a little fragile atm.

With your garden variety cheat there's usually signs isn't there? There was none, at least none I picked up on at the time

Don't blame yourself for that Op.

I didn't with mine.

He changed his shifts a couple of times but it wasn't as if he had never done that before.

Didn't do it too often to make it suspicious.

Fortunately we had no kids so divorcing was an easy decision to make-even so I felt ashamed & embarrassed that I had a failed marriage behind me & did have a time of thinking did I do something wrong & that was why🙄

You'll get there in your own time.

Neither you nor the kids deserve this.

🌸

I'm another one who remembers the sexy pants post.

What stuck in my memory was the mental gymnastics you were doing at the time, and the various things you were wanting your DP to do to try and prove that he wasn't having an affair - but then you were questioning whether he could still be fitting an affair in despite sending you the proof he was where he said he would be.

And now the anxiety you've put yourself through tonight.

PND is absolutely awful and is undoubtedly a major contributor, but I don't think it's just that. His behaviour and the history really is taking its toll. It must be exhausting for you.

You need to ask yourself if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. Even if your DP isn't misbehaving, the high levels of constant reassurance needed are going to drive a wedge between you. Will you be able to trust him without always needing reassurance, and without suffering such awful anxiety? If not, it's better for your mental health that you split. Rip the plaster off and give yourself a chance of finding something better.

FWIW, I don't blame you at all. The history of him suddenly walking out, and then some very peculiar behaviours would concern me too. Even last night, yes, his phone was broken but it was usable. He ignored you despite the fact he will be very aware of your high anxiety.....that's not kind at all.

Maybe some solo counselling would be a good idea too OP? Just so you can figure out what you want.

But he has stolen from you OP.

He's stolen your peace of mind, your trust and your self respect.

You say that if you were talking to a friend you would tell them to give their head a wobble, but you really need to wobble your own.

Idk how good or bad this guy is op or the circumstances of the affair — long term or ons etc. Or if he’s generally a good guy apart from this. These are the sort of things to explore I imagine.

You’re not in a great place emotionally right unfortunately. If you do want to stay together, I imagine couples counselling would be more effective if you could take steps to have some personal counselling / therapy for PND. If you want to split, this counselling/ therapy would also help. You need to look after yourself right now so that you can be there for your baby and do what is best for you and them.

I've definitely come to rely on him too much and that's a really bad space to be in when the person you rely on can't be trusted. I'm not sure if I mentioned it on my last thread but I have some health problems, one I manage well but the other causes chronic pain which means I need him around to do his share with DC.

I often think if it weren't for that, and feeling like I physically need him here, it would be easier to think bugger this and let go.

So if he can still read and reply to messages, what's his reasoning for why he didn't text or call you in his break like he usually does?

Natwest

It’s no life to lead @Awakestill1 .

He said he was mid way through responding to my initial text asking him to pick up nappies and the phone went off as he was sending his reply. The phone was then unusable until he got in this morning and tried to reset it at which point he saw the other text and missed call. It has gone off again now.

@Azerothi

I didn't read it like that at all.

The PP can read! The message is about the OP setting herself up to be more stressed and gives a great example of this through her experience of her DM.

If the OP didnt expect texts in the night, she wouldn't be stressed when they don't happen. She would sleep better, she would feel better because she has slept.
She needs to look after herself and put in positive strategies to help herself.

Stopping the texts would certainly be beneficial. She would sleep, instead of, as with last night, recreating in her tired mind, the cycle of mistrust.

She has spent most of the night, when she could be asleep, focussed on mistrusting her partner, when it seems he had a malfunctioning phone.

Evira gives a very good example of this.

The OP knows she needs to take control, this could be in steps, like stopping the expectation of texts during the night as a first step.
She know she needs to leave.

Stop giving your partner your bank cards and PIN numbers. That isn’t being financial savvy especially if you think your partnership isn’t working.

if he needs money transfer to his bank account don’t give him control of your own money.

Have a think about this when you have had a good sleep.
It doesn't sound like much of a relationship does it. You don't trust him. He has cheated. You suspect he will take all your money. He borrows off you and therefore your baby because he runs out of money before payday.
Why isn't he trying to save money by taking in a packed lunch.
I'd rather bring up my baby alone than live like this.

Oh OP this is no way to live. He’s given you plausible (but very unlikely) explanations for this and the sexy pants incident - you can’t continue like this - you’re worth so much more.

You need therapy because you'll carry on with this behaviour in any subsequent relationships that you may have. The reasons for your behaviour is understandable. However, you need to take responsibility for it now before you ruin your own life. If you don't trust him why have another baby and stay with him?

RTFT!

The ‘F’ isn’t for “full” btw.

I really don't understand how the 12:15 text helps. What does it prove to you, OP? Why does it make you feel secure?

As a couple of others have said, it seems to add to your anguish, not prevent it. And in addition you don't get to sleep early enough.

The call/text doesn't prove anything. It doesn't say he's not cheating. It doesn't even say he's at work. It just says he's remembered to contact you.

Like I said earlier she needs therapy for her anxiety and PND, it's self destructive behaviour.

I understand you have anxiety but seriously if I was expected to text at a certain time every night (or at all), respond to texts within certain timeframes etc I’d be exiting my relationship. I’ve been on work trips for several days and don’t bother about texting/ringing DH nor him I, and if he did I would presume there was an emergency and I’d likely need to fly home asap. Same for the kids, they were well aware that me not contacting didn’t mean I didn’t care or love them, just that I was busy and occupied (plus potentially time zone issues if I was overseas). If someone won something for an achievement at sport/school etc then I’d get a message and would have done my best to respond in a timely manner but it was a real exception rather than rule thing.

You can block and unblock a card on most banking apps. No need to wait a week etc.

Hope you are okay. Sorry, didn't mean to sound unsupportive x

Op all this stress can not be having a positive impact on your health conditions. Have you considered that staying in this situation with this amount of stress could be contributing to making it worse?

you can’t stay with someone and live like this. After cheating, it takes a long time to work through it. But at some point the person who was cheated on needs to be able to move forward. People can’t live like this forever more. If you can’t even imagine being able to move past what happened, it would be best for all (including any children) for the relationship to end.

I know this may be a bit weird, but why didn't you phone his workplace? If it happens again, do that and say you need to get an urgent message to him for something like youve run out of calpol and he needs to bring it home.

I'm sorry it is like this for you.

This relationship is dead