DP left with my bank card, no response. I'm worried and can't sleep.

[Awakestill1]

Disclaimer, there has been infidelity in the past which I found out about after he left in the middle of a night and sent me a text for me to wake up to.. so admittedly I'm super anxious at any sign of anything being amiss.

He works nights and always texts me on his break at 12.15. Tonight he asked if he could borrow my bank card to get himself something to eat on his break as he doesnt get paid until next week, no problem.

I remembered we need nappies so I text him at 11ish asking him to pick some up on his way home in the morning. No reply. Unusual for him.

His break comes and goes, radio silence. I thought perhaps his phone had died but it rings when I call (it wouldn't get him into trouble, he has it on silent at work anyway)

I'm flitting between thinking he's had an accident to then thinking he has done a bunk again. I'm royally screwed without my bank card.

Is anybody around to talk to me? Please be kind, I have PND and I'm a little fragile atm.

It's not something I ever asked him to do, but something he has always done and chose to do of his own accord which then became routine.

Then the cheating I'm considerably more hypervigilant to anything being 'off' or different because the trust is gone.

If you use the filter you can just read the OPs messages, which you might find helpful.

Hate to poke my nose in, but trust is one of the most important elements to a relationship. It doesn't seem you gave that, which would indicate you are with the wrong person. I would trust my DH with my life.
Possibly this fear and anxiety stems from this man ans would ease if you were more at peace on your own or met somewhere you trusted?

Op 😔 I knew it was you

look, there’s nothing I can write here that other posters haven’t pointed out already. Just want to say I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. No one deserves to live like this, let alone with chronic health worried and little babies to worry about.

I hope you find your way out op, I really really do.

Its not that it ever helped in itself, just that the absence of something that had always been routine suddenly not being there.

I'm always awake until about 12:30 myself.

So in my mind it went a little something like this:

Oh DP hasnt responded about the nappies, hopefully he doesn't forget..

Then:

That's not like him not to respond, he usually asks me to remind him if we need anything picking up.

Then:

He'll be on break now and still no response, that's unusual.

Then: I hope he's OK, not sure why he isn't replying

Then: Oh no, what if he has done what he did last time..

Then: Shit he has hasnt he, and he's taken my bank card, I need that in the morning for XYZ. Last time he did this he disappeared and didn't get in touch for a week.

..its not ideal, quite the opposite, but a little understandable I hope?

Yes but you're looking at it through a very different lense. If you'd been hurt and betrayed the way I have then you may well be as anxious.

This isn't a normal circumstance.

Op, I'm so sorry to tell you this but it's a common tactic to intentionally turn your screen white so it looks faulty. There are apps that can do it. Don't you find it funny how he couldn't text you at all until he KNEW you would be on the brink and about to kick off? Funny that he could suddenly do a text then innit? He is either hiding messaging/networking apps and that has caused the white screen of death or he has caused it himself to throw you off the scent. He could have even just saved a photo of a white screen and set it as a screen saver. Who would question a broken phone when you can see the phone is actually broken? I've attached pics.

You need to get rid of this loser. The reality of being on your own is NOTHING compared to the powerful conditioning he has you controlled under. This fear is literally all in your head and he is pulling the strings. Get rid of him and I bet that with a little sport you would magically feel much better.

You've admitted that the trust is gone then e d the relationship and seek therapy. You need to focus on your mental health issues and your family right now. Leave relationships alone for a long time, you're not suited to a relationship until you seek therapy.

It did cross my mind but I didn't want to make a fuss by calling as although it would sound reasonable to whoever took the call DP would know I'm making the call because I'm worried and i didn't want to make a fuss for him.

Thank you ❤️

Absolutely understandable. I hope you can communicate to him how much his actions have destabilised you, and he can deal with his reaction to that. But especially I hope you can find ways to manage your PND and what could be a degree of PTSD from the way he left. It's not going to be quick or easy, but it is possible.

@Awakestill1 I can understand that, but sometimes it's OK to let people who have treated you so poorly know that they have had a massive impact on you.

I didn't read your other thread, but have you got a lot of support around you?

I remember you. I'm not saying hes cheating but please check his phone carefully while he's asleep. How did he see about nappies and text OK if he waited until home to reset? Or did I get the timeline wrong?

And get some sleep!!

You need to leave this relationship OP. it’s not healthy and is probably exacerbating your health conditions.

I’ve also been married to a cheat. It was hell. I probably made similar “why hasn’t he texted?” “Where is he?” threads. I tortured myself because I didn’t trust him, and turned to the same controlling tendencies as you. When we eventually split, the relief was huge.

I’m now in a much healthier relationship. DP has an ex girlfriend staying with him at the moment and I’ve not so much as raised an eyebrow, because I trust him.

If you can’t trust your partner, the relationship is over anyway. please get counselling.

Thank you all for echoing my own inner thoughts which I've been pushing down as leaving him, well kicking him out, felt so hard to do.

I know the relationship is dead. I'm not even certain that I'm still in love with him. It's more the case that I feel that I (we) need him.

PP asked whether I'd considered that the stress of the relationship could well be contributing to my health issues, I have on occasion yes.

It feels like a bit of a gamble though. Do I get him to leave and just hope for the best that I can manage on my own, or do I have him stay and continue to get the support I currently do.

10 years ago I would have kicked his backside to the curb. Life looks alot different for me now.

I have a degree of emotional support from my DM however she's getting old has her own problems and would never be able to fill DP's shoes in terms of the practical things he does, nor would I ever expect her to.

DM aside I'm pretty much on my own.

Trust me being on your own and feeling that everything is on your shoulders is so much better than staying where you are now

your unhappiness is palpable and it’s very sad to read how this has understandably affected you this way. His behaviour is doing nothing to ameliorate it so he is either up to his old tricks again or ignorant to the impact these scenarios are having you and doesn’t care enough to rebuild your trust or be careful and respect you: either way that’s it

Trust me being on your own and feeling that everything is on your shoulders is so much better than staying where you are now

THIS

Oh op

Theres no relationship here. And even if there was if you decided to forgive and forget then you still shouldn't be living like this. Because you either move on from it or you end it because all this jumping through hoops on either side is not healthy.

I'd end it now tbh. Theres no trust. No love and neither of you can live this way. You need to take control and get your life akd yourself back. Dump the source of stress and get counselling for your PND. You deserve to get the help and be happy and mentally more healthy. Please try and and see yourself as deserving of better. A relationship that destroys you like this is a relationship you can do with out. Nothing will be as hard as living as you are right now. Not even being single.

It’s not a gamble though is it.

This is making you ill. Being on your own is not going to be a stressful as the situation you are in.

and let’s be honest, there’s no relationship. How long do you think it will be before he gets fed up? Much better to end it in your terms.

And your kids should not have this as a model of what a relationship is.

Just sending love & strength to you. It's not a nice situation to be triggered all the time from his previous actions and I completely understand how your mind is working ❤️

The thought of breaking it off feels quite daunting to me as I still have the affair and the aftermath of it fresh in my mind. I was in such shock I didn't really function, couldn't eat or sleep. I was physically ill with the stress of it all. It was a really horrible time and I didn't cope at all. I was in such a shit state it was a relief when he came back. Pathetic eh?

That being said, if I was the one to do the 'dumping' then the power would be in my hands wouldn't it? Perhaps I'd be able to avoid such a strong emotional reaction if the ball is in my court. I don't know.

It may well be that I don't react like last time at all because in a sense I've been there done that and after having the rug pulled from under me that time nothing would surprise me anymore.

It's just really daunting, but I know this can't continue. I think I'm going to find a therapist for some lone counselling.

Op apologies if you have said this, but when was the cheating/ doing a midnight flit?

The awful thing about anxiety is that it will always find something to latch on to. I saw a lot of it on the covid forum where even the lack of any symptoms was in itself something to be anxious about ☹️

It's not "the thing" itself that's causing your anxiety, but your anxiety needing to find something to feed on IYSWIM.

If its not a missed message then it would be something else - getting home later than usual, wearing something out of the norm and so on.

If you did split with him (which would be a good idea anyway) then your anxiety might lessen, but it might also transfer itself to something else.

I think counselling would be a very good idea.

Nobody here seems particularly concerned that OP and DP know each other's PIN. Is this normal in a relationship now?

My DH of decades, whom I trust totally, does not know my PIN nor me his - because that is the bank's rules.

If he took all your money, emptied your account, the bank would not refund you a penny because you gave him the PIN.
If you do nothing else, at least please change your PIN and make other financial arrangements, such as transferring him money or keeping a bit of cash handy to give him. It would be one less thing for you to worry about.

That is without even going into the issue of why the hell you are giving him any money - why hasn't he managed to sort out his own lunch money? Is he financially irresponsible as well as a cheater?

Oh OP I feel so sad for you sweetheart, you deserve so much more, the life you are living is not the one you deserve my love.
I’m also a FTM and had horrendous PNA for about 8 months, still there but better, I totally relate to feeling like I couldn’t live or manage without my partner at the time it was at its height. But ultimately I realised that actually I could do it by myself if I needed to and that I was perfectly capable of managing and that I was even pretty good at it, since that realisation I felt so strong (my partner and I never had huge issues, just a lot of adjustment problems with new baby and becoming parents but it really took its toll on us) I feel strong because I know I can walk away if I need to and me and our child will be just fine.
If you are unhappy, take some time to really consider what you want for you and your baby and what will make you both happy in the long term and make plans. Best of luck OP.