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Original poster

DP left with my bank card, no response. I'm worried and can't sleep.

203 replies

Awakestill1 · 15/10/2022 01:48

Disclaimer, there has been infidelity in the past which I found out about after he left in the middle of a night and sent me a text for me to wake up to.. so admittedly I'm super anxious at any sign of anything being amiss.

He works nights and always texts me on his break at 12.15. Tonight he asked if he could borrow my bank card to get himself something to eat on his break as he doesnt get paid until next week, no problem.

I remembered we need nappies so I text him at 11ish asking him to pick some up on his way home in the morning. No reply. Unusual for him.

His break comes and goes, radio silence. I thought perhaps his phone had died but it rings when I call (it wouldn't get him into trouble, he has it on silent at work anyway)

I'm flitting between thinking he's had an accident to then thinking he has done a bunk again. I'm royally screwed without my bank card.

Is anybody around to talk to me? Please be kind, I have PND and I'm a little fragile atm.

OP posts:
noideabutstilltrying · 15/10/2022 07:39

@Awakestill1 please get some support from friends and family.

Your husband has been unfaithful to you at a time when you were at your most vulnerable.

Being worried about if he's actually at work isn't normal behaviour. However, I understand why you're feeling that way.

You need to take some time for you to decide if that's the life that you want or if it would be better for you and baby to ask him to leave.

I hope that your GP has been able to provide help with PND.

Squiff70 · 15/10/2022 07:40

Sorry, cross-posted. I'm glad he's safe but he DOES owe you an explanation.

Original poster
Awakestill1 · 15/10/2022 07:42

Jeanstable · 15/10/2022 07:29

It really is no way to live OP, I was like this with my ex, it was only when he left me for somebody else that I realised it was all his doing. I’m not naturally an anxious, insecure person, he made me that way. Now I’m with my DH there is never any doubt, I can actually trust him.

I was never like this before either. I've had 3 significant relationships in my adult life and a couple of shorter casual ones and I've never felt so vulnerable.

He's home now and there is something wrong with his phone.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Roundthetwist4 · 15/10/2022 07:44

I have been in the position of my partner doing a runner/not coming home (he also worked evenings/nights so used that as an excuse sometimes) but also went missing twice with no word (and like you said, no warning). Unfortunately he was cheating on me and also had a baby with the OW. We had a 7 month old when I found out. I obviously left him straight away and, even though it was initially hard, I feel so free now and am 100x happier. I sleep through the night now I don’t wait up for that text from him and I’m not wondering where he is. I’m more present for my child, and the anxiety and depression I was initially diagnosed with are gone (after some counselling) as his behaviour was contributing to my mental health. You won’t ever get over the cheating, and I promise you can do it without him. These men just are not worth yours and your babies happiness. He can still be involved with the baby without being your partner. Life gets better and more peaceful.

girlmom21 · 15/10/2022 07:45

It's a bit strange how he doesn't respond to any texts or a call until gone half 7 in the morning and when he does respond its just to acknowledge the nappies.

It sounds like he acknowledged your text before now and it's only just come through. Maybe he responded then turned his phone off so it didn't come through until he turned it back on?

Evira · 15/10/2022 07:46

I can't understand why he is expected to text, from work, in the middle of the night. The expectation of this has created stress because he hasn't found time/ has had phone issues. Surely though waiting and worrying about texts in the night is breaking your sleep as they can't possibly fit with an awake baby. Without this expectation you wouldn't be worried. You must be so on edge.

I experienced similar with my mum in lockdown, it created a beast. I said I would text every morning to check she was ok.she lives alone.

Great in theory. In practice, if I didn't text ( at work early, lie in, flat battery) she had me for dead, was panic stricken and had called and worried all of my DC’s, my friends ...yet I was the fit healthy one, living with a partner.

Original poster
Awakestill1 · 15/10/2022 07:48

Thank you for validating the reason for my anxiety. Its soul destroying when something like that happens, but I do realise its incredibly unhealthy and no way to live especially with children in the mix.

So the screen flashes white, he hasn't dropped it or anything so not sure what the problem is although he can use it as he's just opened the messages I sent him.

OP posts:
Azerothi · 15/10/2022 07:49

Evira · 15/10/2022 07:46

I can't understand why he is expected to text, from work, in the middle of the night. The expectation of this has created stress because he hasn't found time/ has had phone issues. Surely though waiting and worrying about texts in the night is breaking your sleep as they can't possibly fit with an awake baby. Without this expectation you wouldn't be worried. You must be so on edge.

I experienced similar with my mum in lockdown, it created a beast. I said I would text every morning to check she was ok.she lives alone.

Great in theory. In practice, if I didn't text ( at work early, lie in, flat battery) she had me for dead, was panic stricken and had called and worried all of my DC’s, my friends ...yet I was the fit healthy one, living with a partner.

It literally says why she is so anxious in the OPs first post.

BruceAndNosh · 15/10/2022 07:49

I know you find the 12.15 phone call reassuring, but with a small baby you should be sleeping while you can, not staying awake to get HIS texts

MumofSpud · 15/10/2022 07:50

I am glad he is safe but.... if you are that anxious when he is at work (as you've said) then things need to change

Original poster
Awakestill1 · 15/10/2022 07:52

Roundthetwist4 · 15/10/2022 07:44

I have been in the position of my partner doing a runner/not coming home (he also worked evenings/nights so used that as an excuse sometimes) but also went missing twice with no word (and like you said, no warning). Unfortunately he was cheating on me and also had a baby with the OW. We had a 7 month old when I found out. I obviously left him straight away and, even though it was initially hard, I feel so free now and am 100x happier. I sleep through the night now I don’t wait up for that text from him and I’m not wondering where he is. I’m more present for my child, and the anxiety and depression I was initially diagnosed with are gone (after some counselling) as his behaviour was contributing to my mental health. You won’t ever get over the cheating, and I promise you can do it without him. These men just are not worth yours and your babies happiness. He can still be involved with the baby without being your partner. Life gets better and more peaceful.

I'm so sorry, that is absolutely horrible. I really admire your strength to get out so quickly and I'm so heartened to hear that things worked out so well. I wish I had your strength and self respect.

OP posts:
OutDamnedSpot · 15/10/2022 07:54

This is a crap way to live. You can’t stay awake every time he is on a night shift waiting for him to contact you. If a man was expecting a woman to text from work we’d see it as controlling behaviour.

Either do the counselling - and be prepared that you have some work to do there as well as him - or kick him out. You can’t live like this.

ValerieDoonican · 15/10/2022 07:55

It boils down to the fact that because of what he did before, you can't trust him, and because of the way he did it, you can't trust your own instincts either.

I have no experience of this particular situation but I know exactly what you mean about the overwhelming dread triggered by the possibility of a horrible thing happening again.

So don't blame yourself for rhis. Its definitely on him. You may be able to find a way through it, you may not, but I think as a bare minimum he has to understand, acknowledge and take responsibility for the effect his actions have had on you, and accept that he has to take ongoing responsibility for not triggering you like that.

I don't know if either of you could live like that, but it needs to be out in the open with him acknowledging the impact on you as a basic minimum

Crimsoncupcakes · 15/10/2022 07:59

You need to concentrate on yourself and your baby. Sitting up all night worrying where he is, worrying he’s going to clear your bank account . This is beyond unhealthy. Once someone gives you good reason to mistrust them, it’s almost impossible to get that trust back . All you are left with is feelings of anxiety, fear, mistrust and resentment. I would look at how you want your future to be, and how yo go about getting to that point. This isn’t a healthy environment for your child to grow up in .

Original poster
Awakestill1 · 15/10/2022 08:00

It boils down to the fact that because of what he did before, you can't trust him, and because of the way he did it, you can't trust your own instincts either

You have summarised it much more clearly than I. This is exactly it.

With your garden variety cheat there's usually signs isn't there? There was none, atleast none I picked up on at the time and then poof you wake one morning and you're faced with the shit reality that you can't trust him or your own judgement because you didn't see it coming so you tell yourself you will pay closer attention.. next time you'll see it coming (because there always is a next time isn't there?) then a ridiculous dynamic like this emerges and you're treading on egg shells every time something is amiss.

OP posts:
Talia99 · 15/10/2022 08:01

ofwarren · 15/10/2022 02:01

Usually blocking the card will mean you cannot access it till a new card is posted to you. Mine takes about a week.
Can you transfer your money elsewhere or withdraw what you need first?

A lot of banks do temp blocking on the app. I did mine the other day when I thought I might have dropped it in town. I just unblocked it when I found it in a different coat pocket.

littleburn · 15/10/2022 08:04

I've read all of your updates OP. I've been in your situation (trying to make it work with a cheater) and, honestly, once the trust is gone it's gone and this is what your life will be like until either you walk away or he leaves. It ruins you and your peace of mind. I turned into someone I didn't recognise over the next 4 years after I had him back. I regret that so much now. The issue last night isn't whether or not his phone was working, or whether or not he was too busy to message, it's that you're trying to trust someone who's proved himself to be untrustworthy and it's driving you crazy.

I appreciate that you're in a very vulnerable situation, but I think you need to start trying your best to emotionally disengage from him, even if you feel you can't leave right now. Ultimately your life will be so much better once you're free of the worry of where he is and what he's doing.

ofwarren · 15/10/2022 08:04

Talia99 · 15/10/2022 08:01

A lot of banks do temp blocking on the app. I did mine the other day when I thought I might have dropped it in town. I just unblocked it when I found it in a different coat pocket.

Show quote history

Someone mentioned that up thread. I'm with santander and I'm hoping they do it because it would save so much hassle.

SomethingVexesThee · 15/10/2022 08:06

OP you sound absolutely exhausted and I'm not surprised. This is truly no way to live.

You had a dreadful night worrying yourself sick about whether your partner is lying to you, stealing from you or cheating on you. That's not normal, truly it's not.

He's cheated on you in the past, and you don't trust him. Please listen to that distrusting voice.

I don't think you need relationship counselling. I think you should instead get your own therapy and work on changing your mindset from "Please let him not be cheating, please let me save my relationship" to "I deserve peace of mind, love and respect and so does my child".

You're not lucky to have him. You don't need to be grateful to him for coming home to you and not emptying your bank account. Those are rock bottom, bare minimum standards for any relationship.

You would be so, so much better off without him.

Talia99 · 15/10/2022 08:07

ofwarren · 15/10/2022 08:04

Someone mentioned that up thread. I'm with santander and I'm hoping they do it because it would save so much hassle.

Show quote history

Sorry, I somehow managed to miss 3 whole pages of posting and didn’t realise this had already been said. I’m with the Halifax. I think most banks do this these days so Santander may well.

InFiveMins · 15/10/2022 08:11

I remember your previous thread.

Even though the phone is flashing, if he can still access messages what is his excuse for not texting?!

You're paranoid about him and anxious for good reason - he cheated on you before so could be doing it again. The fact he knows this and still doesn't bother to try and reassure you is infuriating.

But I agree with others who say it's no way to live. You can't live in this anxious state all the time wondering if he's cheating again. You don't trust him and it's not surprising why you don't trust him. You truly would be better off alone x

PanicAtTheBigTesco · 15/10/2022 08:13

@ofwarren you can definitely freeze cards on Santander Smile

ofwarren · 15/10/2022 08:14

PanicAtTheBigTesco · 15/10/2022 08:13

@ofwarren you can definitely freeze cards on Santander Smile

Thank you!
Nothing worse than having to wait a week for a new card when all you have done is misplace it.

Rosycheeks21 · 15/10/2022 08:14

So this man cheats and can’t afford his own lunch. What are his redeeming qualities?

WonderingWanda · 15/10/2022 08:17

It sounds quite intense. My dh and I sometimes call each other from work but are often very busy and we wouldn't panic I'd we didn't hear from each other. He also travels for work and if I don't hear from him I assume he is busy not that he has run away. The mostly likely scenario is that he is just caught up with something. I understand why you are having this reaction, because he left you before but it really isn't healthy op. If you have taken him back you either need to trust that he is back and with you or end it. I think usually the people who have these thoughts that their partner might have run off and left them are often in denial and ignoring huge red flags in their relationship because they don't want to be left. What is your relationship like? Are you happy? Does he hint at not being happy or does he talk about your future?