DP left with my bank card, no response. I'm worried and can't sleep.

[Awakestill1]

Disclaimer, there has been infidelity in the past which I found out about after he left in the middle of a night and sent me a text for me to wake up to.. so admittedly I'm super anxious at any sign of anything being amiss.

He works nights and always texts me on his break at 12.15. Tonight he asked if he could borrow my bank card to get himself something to eat on his break as he doesnt get paid until next week, no problem.

I remembered we need nappies so I text him at 11ish asking him to pick some up on his way home in the morning. No reply. Unusual for him.

His break comes and goes, radio silence. I thought perhaps his phone had died but it rings when I call (it wouldn't get him into trouble, he has it on silent at work anyway)

I'm flitting between thinking he's had an accident to then thinking he has done a bunk again. I'm royally screwed without my bank card.

Is anybody around to talk to me? Please be kind, I have PND and I'm a little fragile atm.

Nobody here seems particularly concerned that OP and DP know each other's PIN. Is this normal in a relationship now?

@Beancounter1 - no idea. H and I know each other's PINs, maybe because we've been married for 25 years and trust each other, but we don't borrow each other's bank cards regularly.

Regain control, OP. He can still do a lot for the kids but you don't have to live with him. What he did before was unforgivable and you can't possibly have a relationship with him. You'll feel so much better if you tell him where to go.

It may well be that I don't react like last time at all because in a sense I've been there done that and after having the rug pulled from under me that time nothing would surprise me anymore.

Speaking from bitter experience, it hurts more than the first time, and the shock of it is still overwhelming. Because you've half believed their promises never to do it again, "they've realised how much they've fucked up bla bla" and you really want to believe it. So when it happens a second time it's a real slap in the face because you've put some kind of trust back in them not to do it again. You think they wouldn't want to hurt you like that ever again. Instead they just get sneakier, and use better ways to cover their tracks. It's a real head fuck and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and sorry for being a bit depressing! But please don't wait around for it to happen again. You deserve better than to live like this.
I read your last thread about the pants and I would have been suspicious about that too.
I think counselling on your own is a good idea. 💐

The thing is that when he went off last time that was a huge shock and a wtf moment because it negated everything that had come before.

You've been through that and it's been tough but you've survived and this, this way of living is just prolonging the agony imo.

I think it might actually be a relief if you bit the bullet and got rid. It's very tough when you have health problems - I do too - but you will find ways of being able to do things. It's just a case of getting into a new routine.

I absolutely think you'd be better off physically and mentally without him and without the constant threat of what he'll do next. Let's face it, however nice he's being today , he must be an absolutely heartless sod to do what he did.

You and your kids deserve better.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I just wanted to echo the health issues maybe bro no linked idea. There is so much evidence now that trauma and stress can cause/exacerbate chronic pain and conditions. I’d really recommend checking out Nicole Sachs’ work (she has a great podcast called “the cure for chronic pain”). I think you would find it very interesting.

OP, if you have a chronic health condition you might be eligible for financial support from the Department of Work and Pensions through either PIP or ESA. This might give you the financial means to pay for the practical support you need.

It genuinely sounds as though you are only with him now for the practical support he provides so please find out if you would be entitled to anything. Some of the the benefits are non means tested so you can apply now.

You really don't deserve to live like this. And nor does your lovely child.

Nobody here seems particularly concerned that OP and DP know each other's PIN. Is this normal in a relationship now?

Partner and I have each other phone and bank pins. Might need them in an emergency and sometimes we just use each others phones and bank cards for convenience.

We just have one joint account. Both know each others pin's in case we forget the other card. It's not really that big deal

anxiety aside if you are screwed without your bank card set up Apple/android pay. I never take my card now as I use my phone for all debit card payments.

Okay, it seems some people do share PINs. It is only not an issue if your relationship is strong and healthy.

In OP's case, I think it would help reduce at least one aspect of her anxiety if she changed her PIN and didn't share it.

I mean knowing each other’s PIN is a big deal if it’s separate accounts because if the other person decides to empty your account the bank will count it as ‘you left your PIN insecure so there’s nothing we can do’.

but that aside: OP you sound really disempowered and I think you need to take back that power. You do have choices, it will be hard but if you feel like the love and trust has gone, you will be happier and relieved not worrying about what ‘might’ happen. The stress will be taking a physical toll right now, that will be gone.

or: you can say actually I want to make this work which means we go to counselling but in the meantime I have to accept that if a person wants to cheat, they will do so: I can’t control or change that.

Neither me nor my husband were angels in the past. People have said to me ‘how do you know he won’t cheat?’ And my answer is, I’m pretty sure he won’t, but if he did there is literally nothing I can do about it so I don’t worry about it. I’ve got friends who want to know where their OH is every minute whereas I wave mine off happily when he goes away because the worst cheat I ever knew was the most ‘happy family’ man in public but was shagging three people at his workplace, during work hours or in hotels round the corner. I guess it’s the old adage ‘I can’t control your behaviour, but I can control how I react to it’. What’s your line in the sand?

What I do know is that this isn’t making you happy and you deserve more than this. X

Oh OP, I knew this would be you. Please end things. This is no way to live, lurching from one anxiety until the next. You will feel so much happier without him.

Yes but you're looking at it through a very different lense. If you'd been hurt and betrayed the way I have then you may well be as anxious.

Yes, but you can’t live like this. You can throw out ‘because a’ all you like, but you shouldn’t be living like this. It may be that getting rid solves that problem.

Stop the drama and dump him. It really is that simple. You'll be ok, in fact you'll been so much better.

I agree that you need to get back some control. Fuck this for a game of soldiers. Start small if you need to. eg if he asks for your card again, then just transfer a fiver or so to his account but hang on to your card. Get ye to the cashpoint and change your pin - and don't let on what the new pin is or bother to inform him that that is what you have done. Start to separate emotionally. He does not get to make the rules - this is meant to be a partnership. You need to REALLY get your head around the fact that you don't need to do what he says just because he wants you to. You have power, much much more than you realise.

Also, please don't imagine he won't steal from you. He has already exhibited that he has zero respect for you and your needs if he wants something. Mine did, he even changed the billing address so I wouldn't know what the little piece of slime was up to. Luckily the statement showing that he was stealing from me was forwarded to me by the person whose address it was, but not before I had lost tens of thousands of pounds. (It was an online savings account he had set up for me to deposit my inheritance left by my grandmother and which I never usually touched.)

Eventually mine walked out, in the same shocking way that yours did so I questioned everything I had been so sure of just the day before, including my ability to trust ever again. I have spent the 10 years since then still questioning. I wish I had dumped him when he stole from me but I just pushed it down. The trust has already gone, the respect has gone, the relationship sadly is over. He has made you feel weak with his actions, but you CAN make yourself strong again. He is not your friend. Don't waste any more of your life, but make it your decision. Shock the little fucker and get your plans in order so it is all on your terms. x

He did a shit thing when he walked out on you but I think the worst thing he did was to come back. Your trust is gone, you’re vulnerable with your health and with having very young DC and it puts you in a miserable position. It would have been better to have already begun the process of coping and reigniting your life.

I don’t think this is going to be your forever relationship and hope you see a clear way out soon

In the future I would not let him have your card and I would change your PIN number. If you can afford and are willing to sub him if he runs out of money then transfer money to his account instead. My husband and I trust each other implicitly and have been married over 40 years but we don't know each others PIN numbers and never give the card to the other. It is against bank terms and conditions to disclose your PIN number so if the card got lost or stolen or used by him without your permission then you are not able to get money refunded by the bank.

YellowBananasInJuly.Im sorry that happened to you ,What a Bastard .I hope you find peace of mind .I honestly think Ive "heard it all now" from friends ,in papers /MN and something still shocks me!

You say you’ve already had three “long term” relationships and various casual ones. You don’t seem old enough to have had one what I would consider long term. Did your other relationships end due to infidelity/abuse?

It’s time to focus on you and your child. You don’t need a man, especially a shit one, to function. In fact, you’re not functioning even with this man are you?

PND is shit (I’ve been there 😕) but I’d lay bets that it will miraculously improve when you get rid of him.

You don’t have to ask him to leave immediately, but start to plan. For example, are there any bills in his name that you’d need to change to yours, have you got an online food shop set up. How would you manage financially - see what you would be entitled to and how to get it.

Good luck!

My DP and parents know my PIN. In fact so does my BF. And I know DPs. We've been together for 13 years. We are always using each others bank cards

Spose it's different if there is past issues

From his pov I couldn’t live with someone who was that anxious if my phone broke or I just didn’t want to respond. Having said that I was like you. A now ex said he’d call - he didn’t I called and texted and nothing, he was at a wedding but said he’d call and he didn’t but my brain went into overdrive.

then another had called and we’d got cut off I called back and boring, I called 4 more times and then he messiahs said WTF 4 calls what’s wrong with you I had to go back to work.

The stress that I felt was unbearable in those 2 relationships, always waiting for shit to happen. It was me that pushed them away and them saying it’s over. I was on meds for a few years after. It’s definitely not the way to live or live with someone who is like I was was

OP, I'm sorry but this is what you get when you choose to stay with a cheater. You'll be on pins every time they are 5 mins late back from anything.

You would be far better kicking his sorry cheating ar$e into touch and moving on with your life.

On top of that he seems financially irresponsible - he can't even sort out something for his lunch at work - whaaat??

No-one can live with the stress of this and not end up being ill and unable to cope with themselves or family.

Please take advice as to how to remove yourself from this situation.

Absolutely this ^
One way to tame some of your anxiety might be to have your own bank account AND not to share your pin with your partner (you should never, ever share it with anyone anyway).
Like the poster above, I have no trust issues with my partner, and we've been together for over 30 years, but all the same, we do not know each others' pin numbers, we have separate bank accounts for normal expenses, one of us dealing with some utilities etc., the other the rest, and just have one joint account with some money in for emergencies.

Lol

Yes these are there to support people.
They are not easy to get.

ESAhas strict rules about having paid full contribution fir two years before claiming. It takes time but you do get some money in as soon as you start claiming (and before being approved iyswim). As long as you don’t have a broken employment record.

PIP can take more than a year to get. It’s stressful and not a done deal, even it should.

If you are chronically ill, there is no easy and quick support available. UC would be much quicker and easier to start with.