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Original poster

Viewing a body

196 replies

notputtingtheheatingon · 13/10/2022 19:39

My mum was an orphan. She lost both her parents before she was 16 but she had a clear memory of going to see her mum's body and being incredibly traumatised by the experience. This was probably due to her age (she was 15) and the awfully sudden way her mum passed, but nonetheless, it was a very traumatic experience.

From being in my 20s, I remember mum making me promise that when she one day died, none of us would view her body. It was a really big, important thing for her as she didn't want us to (potentially) have the same experience.

We were faced with that reality not too long ago when mum died very suddenly. The shock of it all was indescribable but in the huge whirlwind of emotions, I just had this refrain going round in my head that she didn't want us to view her body and so we didn't. She died unexpectedly after a minor op went wrong and so was in hospital at the time. I was surprised at how many people asked if we want to see the body. I had 2 calls from the hospital, a call from a doctor who was there plus a few from the undertakers. They seemed to think it was a bit strange that we didn't want to? I just always figured it would be a 50/50 thing...some would find it helpful, some wouldn't. But according to the undertaker, more people do view, than don't.

Obviously this is a deeply personal decision for each person. I guess some would get a sense of closure but others might find it traumatic. Everyone has to decide what's best for themselves but I'm just curious about others' views on this? I 100% think you have to do what's right for you. This was the right decision for us.

If you've lost someone, did it help you to view? Or did you opt not to?

OP posts:
Octoberblues · 13/10/2022 19:42

It helped me. I saw my parents shortly after they died and they looked awful. I then saw them in the funeral parlour looking almost normal. It was a comfort to see them like that and to say a final goodbye.

Wibbly1008 · 13/10/2022 19:43

I didn’t go to see my sister and I think that was the best decision for me. She was happy and smiling when I saw her last and I wanted to hold on to that.

StillRunningWithScissors · 13/10/2022 19:44

I was in the room when my mum passed away,holding her hand.

My dad, brother and sister didn't make it to the hospital on time, but they all went in to say goodbye.

I think I'd have struggled to not go in and see her, if I don't been there. I'd want the chance to "say goodbye".

I am surprised that is not a 50/50 thing though.

BigFatLiar · 13/10/2022 19:45

I've seen both my parents and in laws when dead. Didn't bother me, I was there when each of my parents died. Seeing the body in the coffin wasn't traumatic, they were already gone it was just a final part of the sign off.

Each to their own, different matter if the cause of death was traumatic. I doubt they'd ask then.

HangryFeminist · 13/10/2022 19:46

I’ve been in the room when people died, and I’ve been glad to be there at the end. I wouldn’t go to view the body though. I’d rather remember them alive and happy. The body is just the vehicle, the passenger has already moved on.

Blondbombsite · 13/10/2022 19:46

I think the way someone dies probably affects it. I think if someone has passed suddenly then it’s probably more common as people may look for ‘closure’. I think of someone’s been I’ll for a while and you’ve said your goodbyes then you’re less likely to feel the need to see them.

Georgeskitchen · 13/10/2022 19:46

I declined to my parents after they had passed. I preferred to remember them as they were when they were living. Nobody questioned it or thought it was strange. Its personal choice really, and of course you were honouring your mother's wishes OP xx

bloodywhitecat · 13/10/2022 19:47

I saw my little sister, she'd died in surgery and when I saw her, for the first time in ages she looked peaceful.

I saw DH, I helped to dress him ready for his funeral. DH had a stroke which had robbed him of so much. When he died his face looked calm and peaceful for the first time in weeks, the droop he'd been left with after the stroke had gone and he just looked like him. I spent a good amount of time with him when he'd gone and I found it incredibly helpful.

Redglitter · 13/10/2022 19:47

I saw my Dad at the undertakers & im glad I did. We were with him.when he died in ICU where he'd been for several days, with all the associated machines

When we saw him he looked like Dad. His hair was all brushed, he was in his own clothes etc. I'm so glad we went to see him.

sammylady37 · 13/10/2022 19:48

I’m Irish so traditionally we always view the deceased, they have open coffins at the home or funeral home. I’ve lost count of how many I’ve seen, including a parent, grandparents, aunts, friends, an ex, parents of friends, colleagues etc.

i guess I don’t know any different, but I do find it a comfort and that it brings closure. One very comforting memory I have is of spending time alone with my father in the early hours of the morning, as we had a shift system going to ensure he wasn’t alone. When I was with him, I touched his hands and face and hair, gave him a kiss etc and I’m so glad I had that time.

An ex of mine was killed tragically and had visible injuries but still was in an open coffin. And I’m glad nonetheless that I saw him, as it was too unbelievable otherwise.

Firstshoes · 13/10/2022 19:49

I think it was lovely you respected your mum's wishes. I've made my family promise the same when I die due to similar reasons as your mum. I really hope they do the same as you Flowers

Howiethegerbil · 13/10/2022 19:49

I'm very sorry for your loss ❤️ It's terribly strange and gut wrenching isn't it. My great grandparent died when I was 10, I was taken to see her and my grandparents stroking her hair and talking as if she were there, it really, really traumatised me and didn't look or seem like her. It was very confusing.

More recently my grandparent died and I wished I could have that closure she had, so I went to see her fully expecting to give her a kiss and say my goodbyes. Traumatising again, couldn't let my brother see her like that. She looked very different and I'm ashamed to admit I was scared to touch her so I never got that closure.

I think it helped me in a way to know she had actually gone, but I don't think I'd ever want my children to see me like that or be afraid like I was. When another grandparent died a decade ago there were strict instructions not to view by nok, I think that was the right decision but I was there when he died so I got closure from that.

Absolutely no idea what I think despite my different experiences, sorry. I just think it's deeply personal, but it's never what you imagine.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 13/10/2022 19:50

When my grandmother died we didn't view the body. I was in my 20s but I think it was my mum's decision - I don't remember being asked to make a choice. No regrets here.

MuddlingThroughLife · 13/10/2022 19:51

I visited my 10 year old boy every day until his funeral. We read him a story, told him we loved him and gave him a kiss.

When my mum died I went just once to visit her and say my final goodbye.

There is no right or wrong. You have to do what's right for you.

Christmascaroll · 13/10/2022 19:51

I seen my marmar on her death bed about 6hrs beforehand. As she had cancer and was asleep/ unconscious. 16 years old
After surviving 2 heart attacks and in remission for prostate cancer my grandad died suddenly and sometimes it still doesn't feel real.

Musicalmaestro · 13/10/2022 19:52

I chose not to go to see my Dad’s body, and I have never regretted that decision.

PurBal · 13/10/2022 19:52

I viewed my grandfather and it was just a bit bizarre. His presence wasn’t there, it was just a body in an otherwise empty room. It was emotional of course but when my grandma died I decided not to view.

Lovegossip · 13/10/2022 19:54

I was in the hospital room when my step dad passed away, he was in a coma so it wasn't a death that was horrible to watch. His life support was turned off and then he passed after a short time, but when we had the wake it was an open coffin so seeing him like that wasn't a shock as he just looked like he was in the hospital bed, that's the only 1 I've seen

Howiethegerbil · 13/10/2022 19:55

Just to add, being there when someone died and saying goodbye was definitely not even remotely similar to viewing their body at the funeral home for me.

summergone · 13/10/2022 19:56

@MuddlingThroughLife I'm so so sorry about your boy x

miceonabranch · 13/10/2022 19:57

I was with my husband when he died so I saw his body at the time. I went to see him at the chapel of rest and it didn't really look like him. I didn't really get anything out of seeing him to be honest. Nobody should feel bad about not going to see a loved ones body. It's personal choice.

PermanentTemporary · 13/10/2022 19:59

Im glad she gave you a clear direction, I'm sure it was a comfort to her to know you would respect her wishes.

I saw dh maybe 2 weeks after he died, and my dad about an hour after. Both frankly horrible experiences. I will never voluntarily view a body again.

Suzi888 · 13/10/2022 20:00

No. I’m worried it wouldn’t look like them.

I don’t want anyone to view me either.

💐For those of you that have lost loved ones.

Essexgirlupnorth · 13/10/2022 20:00

I was with my mum when she died so I didn't go and see her at the funeral home. I didn't want to but some family friends did. With other grandparent and my uncle I wasn't offered the choice but don't feel like I missed out.

RedHelenB · 13/10/2022 20:03

I think seeing a body usually means seeing them at peace, it's like they're asleep. Especially if you know they were in pain, this can be comforting. However, it very much is a personal decision.