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Original poster

Viewing a body

196 replies

notputtingtheheatingon · 13/10/2022 19:39

My mum was an orphan. She lost both her parents before she was 16 but she had a clear memory of going to see her mum's body and being incredibly traumatised by the experience. This was probably due to her age (she was 15) and the awfully sudden way her mum passed, but nonetheless, it was a very traumatic experience.

From being in my 20s, I remember mum making me promise that when she one day died, none of us would view her body. It was a really big, important thing for her as she didn't want us to (potentially) have the same experience.

We were faced with that reality not too long ago when mum died very suddenly. The shock of it all was indescribable but in the huge whirlwind of emotions, I just had this refrain going round in my head that she didn't want us to view her body and so we didn't. She died unexpectedly after a minor op went wrong and so was in hospital at the time. I was surprised at how many people asked if we want to see the body. I had 2 calls from the hospital, a call from a doctor who was there plus a few from the undertakers. They seemed to think it was a bit strange that we didn't want to? I just always figured it would be a 50/50 thing...some would find it helpful, some wouldn't. But according to the undertaker, more people do view, than don't.

Obviously this is a deeply personal decision for each person. I guess some would get a sense of closure but others might find it traumatic. Everyone has to decide what's best for themselves but I'm just curious about others' views on this? I 100% think you have to do what's right for you. This was the right decision for us.

If you've lost someone, did it help you to view? Or did you opt not to?

OP posts:
BeetyAxe · 13/10/2022 20:03

I’m also Irish and have seen more bodies than I can count, from a young age. I think it’s helpful but then I think having them in the open coffin in the house where everyone is standing chatting around them, and nearly talking to them as if they’re alive helps it feel more normal.

CJat10 · 13/10/2022 20:04

My sister looked nothing like herself, nor did my mum. I can't put my finger on why as neither were made up badly. I suspect the grimace of pain was gone (can't decide whether this merits a sad face or smiling because they were out of pain....probably angry actually) It really upset me with my sister. I almost had a panic attack and said they'd shown me the wrong body.

It was not 'them'. Really wished I hadn't gone

scrivette · 13/10/2022 20:04

I think you did the right thing to respect her wishes.

I saw 2 of my grandparents and I was glad I did but I didn't see my paternal grandmother as I was on holiday when she died, but I haven't felt bad about not seeing her.

yerdaindicatesonbends · 13/10/2022 20:06

My mum died last year and I didn’t see her. We were asked a few times in the hospital and whilst my sister went in she requested to just see her hand. I think she wanted something to confirm it was real. People are very surprised, and some have asked about ‘not saying goodbye’. That’s the only thing that casts doubt, but I really don’t think it would make things any easier tbh.

Lost my MIL around the same time and husband saw his mum and as a family they spent quite a lot of time with her. He has some images now that he wish he didn’t. We often talk about the differences and whilst sometimes I regret not seeing her he regrets seeing his mum.

BIL is massively scarred after seeing his grandad when he was a teen. And husband saw his uncle where he walked into a room not knowing he was there and it has messed with him a lot.

RagzRebooted · 13/10/2022 20:06

Didn't see my mum. She died suddenly in her 50s, her body wasn't released for a while and because we refused embalming (she would have hated that) I didn't think it would be very nice.
I saw my MIL just a few hours after she died. I thought I'd be fine with it as I'm a nurse and have washed dead people, but I walked in the room, freaked out and walked out again.
DH saw her and went again to see her in the funeral home.

SunflowerSmith · 13/10/2022 20:08

I saw my Dad at home just after he died which was OK but then saw him at the Chapel of rest and really wish I hadn't.

It didn't look like him, he was dressed in a blue satin shroud and I could see the stitches across the top of his head from the post mortem, it was awful and something I'll never forget.

I wish I'd just kept the memories of him where he died, leaning against the sofa in the living room wearing his normal trousers and jumper, looking peaceful.

Irridescantshimmmer · 13/10/2022 20:08

If you had of viewed the body of your mother after she had passed, you may have been left with a heavy conscience and guilt for the rest of your life due to her wishes to protect you fron trauma, I pressume.

It does'nt matter wether a viewing is what others do, that is very irrelevant here but what matters is what you choose to do.

GodspeedJune · 13/10/2022 20:08

I saw my DGM twice in the chapel of rest. Glad that I did. Was also with her when she died, and we kept her at home for a few hours afterwards just holding her hand and talking about her as a family.

MyIgloo · 13/10/2022 20:08

I’ve name changed for this as it could be quite outing

when my sister died I was there when she died and before she passed (her biggest fear was dying alone, I was led on the bed next to her for 2 days and my head was in her lap when she died) I promised her I would be the one to dress her - she hated the idea of some stranger touching her.

there was a delay in her cremation so she was at the undertakers for over 2 weeks I visited everyday the day, a couple of days before her cremation with the help of the undertakers changed her into what she wanted, I painted her nails the colour she wanted etc sounds incredibly weird now…but it was her last wish there was no way I wasn’t going to break those promises to her.

i was the last person to see her before they sealed the coffin

I also carried her coffin with my siblings (they are bloody heavy…)

Before that I’d seen my gran, my uncle, I also worked in a care home and saw around 6 resident’s bodies.

there Is no right or wrong answer to this

CuriousCatfish · 13/10/2022 20:09

I saw both my parents just after they died. I didn't go to the funeral home to see them again.

I don't regret that decision.

buggeredmyleg · 13/10/2022 20:10

I was there when my mum died and got a time afterwards.

I never went to see her body. She wasn't there anymore.

Onceinnever · 13/10/2022 20:11

My mum died alone due to covid restrictions so I was allowed on to the ward afterwards. She didn't look anything like herself, I hadn't realised her eyes wouldn't be closed, for example. I didn't like the experience at all. I didn't see her at the undertakers either, although I am told they look much better in the chapel of rest. But I just didn't want to.
Everyone does what they decide is right for them and there is no correct way.
Your mum asked you to follow her wishes, and you did.

Puppers · 13/10/2022 20:11

I didn’t find it helpful. My loved one did not look like themselves. They looked like a waxwork model. It wasn’t traumatising but it wasn’t comforting and it took some time for that not to be my overriding image of them.

I think it’s lovely that you honoured your mum’s wishes in death. I think we all should be afforded that respect and if we have expressed a desire in life for our bodies not to be viewed after death then that should be honoured.

yerdaindicatesonbends · 13/10/2022 20:12

Howiethegerbil · 13/10/2022 19:55

Just to add, being there when someone died and saying goodbye was definitely not even remotely similar to viewing their body at the funeral home for me.

@Howiethegerbil Do you think it’s not as traumatic? Because I was with my gran when she passed and it honestly felt like an honour and not traumatic, but have chosen not to view when not having been there.

No499 · 13/10/2022 20:14

It helped me. My (late) DH died unexpectedly whilst abroad on a work trip. I traveled out to deal with paperwork and repatriate him home. I had to see him to be able to say goodbye. He looked different, had been in an accident so had sustained bodily injuries but I knew it was him. He looked peaceful. I don't think I could have gone on without having that time with him.

purpleme12 · 13/10/2022 20:14

No I didn't go see my brother when he'd died.
no regrets.
I wanted to remember him as he was.
And I've no intention of seeing anyone else when they die either.
I'm fact half of us went to see him and half didn't

bigbluebus · 13/10/2022 20:17

I went to see my DF as my DM wanted to go and DB didn't want to take her by himself. Can't say I got any comfort out if it. I didn't go and see DM (and to the best of my knowledge neither did DB).

When DD died we were with her in hospital. We had the option to have her body taken to a room at the hospice and spend more time with her but we decided not to. We felt we'd said our goodbyes at the hospital.

TattiePants · 13/10/2022 20:18

I think seeing the body of a loved one is a very personal decision and I can understand why some people wouldn't want to do it. I was with both my FIL and GM when they dies but still wanted to see them in the funeral home. I also visited my GGM in the funeral home. To me it just feels like part of the grieving process I need to go through.

Minniemouse85 · 13/10/2022 20:18

I saw my mum 3 times at the chapel of rest.
I was with her when she died which felt horrific and I didn’t feel like I wanted that to be the last time I saw her.

GodspeedJune · 13/10/2022 20:19

@MyIgloo You are a very special sister. What an honour to care for your lovely sister as you did.

Caitlin Doughty raises awareness of caring for our loved ones after death. She speaks of rituals around death and how it can be a privilege that we hand over to strangers.

My DMum washed and dressed my DGM after she passed away, I hope I can be brave enough to do the same for her.

Wibbli · 13/10/2022 20:21

I won’t see my parents when they pass away. This is based on DH seeing his dad just after he passed from cancer, and DH said he looked in pain and not like he did when he was alive. I’ve worked with the deceased before and it’s startling how they don’t look like themselves such a short time after death. I would say each to their own but, for me, no.

JhsLs · 13/10/2022 20:21

I was instructed by my mother not to view her body as she knew it would traumatise me. I was in the room when she passed, which was bad enough as the body changes almost instantly once life has left it. I’m glad I didn’t go and view her body as I think she would have been right.

Exasperatednow · 13/10/2022 20:22

I was in my 20s when my Dad died. We went to view his body and I didn't recognise him, he fidnt serm like him anymore Personally I found it deeply unhelpful and it took me a while to get it out of my head and to remember the inhabited version of him.

DahliaMacNamara · 13/10/2022 20:22

Like yours, my mother died quite unexpectedly after a routine operation. It was a big shock to everybody. I wanted to see her body to confirm it was actually true that she'd died. To me, it was seeing the place she used to live in. There was nothing frightening about it, but no emotional attachment either. Another relative, who lived a long way away and hadn't seen my mother for a few years, came in with me, and found it comforting to have that last opportunity for physical contact. There's no right or wrong answer.

Cameleongirl · 13/10/2022 20:22

My Dad wanted me to see my Mum at the funeral home and I wish I hadn't. She didn't look like Mum, her spirit had departed and she was just a shell. Even in hospital she was still herself.

Perhaps your Mum had a similar experience with her parents and didn't want you to feel that way.