Viewing a body

[notputtingtheheatingon]

My mum was an orphan. She lost both her parents before she was 16 but she had a clear memory of going to see her mum's body and being incredibly traumatised by the experience. This was probably due to her age (she was 15) and the awfully sudden way her mum passed, but nonetheless, it was a very traumatic experience.

From being in my 20s, I remember mum making me promise that when she one day died, none of us would view her body. It was a really big, important thing for her as she didn't want us to (potentially) have the same experience.

We were faced with that reality not too long ago when mum died very suddenly. The shock of it all was indescribable but in the huge whirlwind of emotions, I just had this refrain going round in my head that she didn't want us to view her body and so we didn't. She died unexpectedly after a minor op went wrong and so was in hospital at the time. I was surprised at how many people asked if we want to see the body. I had 2 calls from the hospital, a call from a doctor who was there plus a few from the undertakers. They seemed to think it was a bit strange that we didn't want to? I just always figured it would be a 50/50 thing...some would find it helpful, some wouldn't. But according to the undertaker, more people do view, than don't.

Obviously this is a deeply personal decision for each person. I guess some would get a sense of closure but others might find it traumatic. Everyone has to decide what's best for themselves but I'm just curious about others' views on this? I 100% think you have to do what's right for you. This was the right decision for us.

If you've lost someone, did it help you to view? Or did you opt not to?

Yes, @Fink, viewings are traditional in my DH’s culture as well. I find it more difficult as I’m not used to them.

I didn't see either of my parents after they died. So when I think of them I think of them still living.
My brother however took great comfort from seeing them. Especially our mother. When she was in the parlour of rest he went every day to talk to her.
Each to their own I suppose.

I saw my Dad and I have mixed feelings about it. It wasn't horrible, he looked asleep, but I kissed him and he was so cold - it was like a waxwork of him, not really him. "He" as in his spirit was clearly not there. I saw him again a couple of days later before the funeral and he had already started to deteriorate, was blotchy etc and that upset me. I'm still not sure, sometimes I have flashbacks. But I wasn't with him when he died and I felt like I owed it to him to say goodbye.,

I visited my Gran and Grandad in the funeral home. I have very strong memories of both, and I can’t say it brings me comfort. Quite the opposite.
My Dad died unexpectedly when I was two weeks from giving birth to DD. One week before Christmas. I went with my mum to the funeral home, but with absolutely no intention of going into see his body. I would have found it too traumatic. I wanted to remember his gorgeous smiling face, just the way he was. It was the right decision for me.

You can only do what’s right for you.

Saw my nan. Was pleased I went.

My dad died so quickly and it was such a shock and I was there. Then in the chapel of rest it wasn't him, just a shell but I went in and told him all about what had happened. I know it sounds strange but I would always have told my dad if something dreadful had happened and even though it had happened to him, I felt he didn't know. It was cathartic to tell him what happened. My first words when I saw him were 'oh dad, you died! '

Aged about 20 I remember being grossed out by the idea of my mum going to view Grandma in the funeral home.

Wind forward >20 years and I had to accompany DH to see FIL. It was a bit odd, but actually it was ok. It also gave me the strength to go and see my own DF when he died and I am so glad I did. One last goodbye.

I saw my Dad in the funeral parlour a week or so after he died. I really didn’t want to but felt pressured by everyone saying I’d regret it. It was quite literally the worst experience of my life. I wailed like a baby shouting that’s not my Dad. 5 years on and the image is stuck in my head, wished I’d never went. Anyone thinking of it do what’s right for you.

THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED BY MNHQ TO COMPLY WITH OUR TALK GUIDELINES

Oh yes, I empathise with so much. I told my mum everything. She knew all the characters in my life and we talked multiple times every day. When she died so suddenly I just couldn't escape this feeling of 'I need to tell mum'.

I'm in Ireland so I've seen a lot of people laid out I wouldn't even be able to think of how many so I'd see it as something normal. Around where I am it's always in the funeral parlour and very very rarely the house. My mil had a thing that she wanted her coffin closed and only immediate family and close friends to see her so we respected that but it was actually funny as she did look beautiful and peaceful which was so comforting as she'd died unexpectedly despite a long period of poor health and we felt it was almost a shame to have the coffin closed when everyone came in to pay their respects. However as it's not a cultural norm in the parts of the UK I do understand how traumatic it must be if it's something you are not used to.

@Lifeisnevereasy I'm so very, very sorry you had such a traumatic experience. I really hope you've found some peace.

I've had the opportunity to see my nephew, who was 5, at home in his bed just before they moved him to his coffin on the morning of the funeral (he died in hospital and they brought him home to his bed the night before the funeral and also FIL at the funeral home.

Both times I have opted not too. For my nephew I was sat downstairs and I couldn't make myself go up the stairs, no matter how much I tried to convince myself to do it.

For my FIL, my MIL asked if I'd like to go. I was very touched by her offer, but I decided against it.

I don't know why I didn't want to either time. I just knew. I'm okay with it though. I want to remember them as they were.

My mum died in front of me, I probably wouldn't have viewed her body otherwise.

Oh my darling. That is absolutely heartbreaking.

@notputtingtheheatingon its been a long road but I’ve coped the best I could. My children got me through the dark times. Thankyou:)

I'm an only child. When my dad died- unexpectedly after an operation- my mam and I went to see him the next day and we were comforted by that. He looked like my dad. My mam died when she was very old and I had spent the previous evening with her and she was very much herself if frail.We were not expecting her to die that night.

I went by myself- my choice- the next day, to see her twice, once in the hospital chapel of rest in the morning and late in the afternoon at the undertakers. Both times she looked dreadful and although I wanted to see her and say goodbye, it was no comfort at all and I was very upset driving home afterwards- 20 miles.

I wish I had let DH come with me but I was very stubborn and it was something about me and her and her being my mam and the last time I would have with her. I'm upset even recalling it now. She didn't look like my mam - seemed shrunken and just not my mam. It was awful. I just told her I loved her and would always miss her and was so sorry I hadn't been with her and hoped she was with my dad and their dog having a walk on the beach again. I kissed her cheek and her hand and wasn't there long.

I went to see my MIL as we had some difficult disagreements before she got Alzheimers and didn't recognise me. I touched her hand and thanked her for everything, I talked to her for 20 minutes and DH was comforted by this x

@catinboots123 it really was, life is awful at times but we just have to keep going!

I've never been to view a body and don't think I would, unless either I was asked to identify or if someone close to me died suddenly, it might help come to terms with it. My mum never wanted me to either and I think I understand why, it could be traumatic and stay with you.

I’m totally okay with being present when someone dies - seeing the body? Not for me.

I’m not sure how I’d feel about seeing one of my family in a chapel of rest, it would probably depend on whether I had a chance to say goodbye before they died, however a small part of me regrets not seeing our babies at the undertakers. With both of them we had the chance to spend time with them in hospital after they had died but I wasn’t sure about seeing them in the baby chapel or in their coffins. Part of me wishes we’d said a final goodbye, the other part of me is OK with not seeing them again after leaving hospital.

I viewed my dad, both my grandads and my grandma and for me it gave me closure of saying goodbye.

They all died in hospital and I hadn't seen them before they died so it gave me closure being able to say goodbye.

My paternal grandad died this year and he lives 3 hours away from us but had been deteriorating over the past year. So I hadn't seen him for 9 months prior to his death due to him being hospitalised and covid ward restrictions. I got to give him a hug which is all I had wanted to do for months and that was just what I needed.

However I know only 2 of my cousins went to see him and the others (including my sister) didn't feel like they wanted too or needed to as they wanted to remember their last memory.

It's honestly personal choice, if you know you won't regret either way then do what you feel is best x

I did. Both parents. It was a way to say goodbye. I hate funerals and we didn't do a big one for the parent who died last. I wanted to celebrate their life, and how they lived it.
It did provide some closure though.

My dad passed away suddenly. He had been unwell for a while. In and out of hospitals until it got to the point where he wasnt safe to be at home and the decision was made to move him into a private care home.
He was there a few weeks before we got a call saying he was waiting on an ambulance. He had septicaemia and we were told he wasnt coming home.

3 months later and he left hospital. He obviously still had his underlying condition but he was laughing and smiling.
24hours later we got a call saying they were waiting for an ambulance. We made our way to the hospital but no sign of him.
Called the care home to be told he was having CPR. Nobody told us how bad things were.
Nobody was with him. He died alone.
We spoke to the paramedics who just apologised and left when we arrived.
We were told we couldnt see him until he had 'been cleaned up'.
I didnt go to the funeral home. I wanted to remember him as he was the day he left hospital, happy and smiling.

Everyone should do what they feel is right. There is no correct answer.

I was at my Mum's side when she died. I didn't feel I needed to see her body afterwards but was encouraged to do so. I wish I hadn't. Being there as she died has been a comfort to me over the years; I accepted it was her time. Seeing her body somehow "restored" upset me.

I was not with my dad when he died but did see him in the hospital before he was moved. I didn't see him in the funeral home and that was the right decision.

As PPs have said, I think it very much depends on the circumstances around the death.

I'm sorry you lost your mum so unexpectedly OP