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Viewing a body

196 replies

notputtingtheheatingon · 13/10/2022 19:39

My mum was an orphan. She lost both her parents before she was 16 but she had a clear memory of going to see her mum's body and being incredibly traumatised by the experience. This was probably due to her age (she was 15) and the awfully sudden way her mum passed, but nonetheless, it was a very traumatic experience.

From being in my 20s, I remember mum making me promise that when she one day died, none of us would view her body. It was a really big, important thing for her as she didn't want us to (potentially) have the same experience.

We were faced with that reality not too long ago when mum died very suddenly. The shock of it all was indescribable but in the huge whirlwind of emotions, I just had this refrain going round in my head that she didn't want us to view her body and so we didn't. She died unexpectedly after a minor op went wrong and so was in hospital at the time. I was surprised at how many people asked if we want to see the body. I had 2 calls from the hospital, a call from a doctor who was there plus a few from the undertakers. They seemed to think it was a bit strange that we didn't want to? I just always figured it would be a 50/50 thing...some would find it helpful, some wouldn't. But according to the undertaker, more people do view, than don't.

Obviously this is a deeply personal decision for each person. I guess some would get a sense of closure but others might find it traumatic. Everyone has to decide what's best for themselves but I'm just curious about others' views on this? I 100% think you have to do what's right for you. This was the right decision for us.

If you've lost someone, did it help you to view? Or did you opt not to?

OP posts:
DodgyLeftLeg · 13/10/2022 21:50

My father is Irish and has attended many wakes where family members were laid out in the house for up to 3 days, including his mother and father and siblings. He’s also visited lots of people in chapel of rest over the years here in England.

He says he felt it was something he had to do but as a practice found it deeply traumatising. I don’t think he wants that for himself. When our maternal grandmother died 2 of my siblings wanted to visit her in the chapel of rest and he advised against it. They went and came out white as a sheet and very upset.

I think it’s a very personal thing whether you are comforted by it or not. The problem is perhaps you don’t know unless you’ve done it and may regret it (or not) afterwards.

MissMarpleRocks · 13/10/2022 21:51

I was with my dad when he died a few weeks ago. It was an honour. I then kept popping Into the room to sit with him until the undertakers came. Went to see him at chapel of rest.

I’ve seen quite a few. My Nan, FIl, cousins, aunts/uncles. It’s an honour to say goodbye.

I’ve never found it traumatic, it’s my way to say my last goodbye. However it’s part of our culture that family/close friends go with a priest for prayers a day or so before the funeral. So I’ve been to a few. In Cyprus we also have open coffins so I’m well used to it.

DodgyLeftLeg · 13/10/2022 21:54

I think it’s lovely for people who find it a positive experience. Must be nice to have those special
last moments ❤️

Crumpleton · 13/10/2022 21:58

It's such a personal choice, there really is no right or wrong.
My MIL was poorly for a while before she died but when she did pass it was still unexpected.
I'd seen her a few days before and we were chatting and putting the world to rights and that's what I wanted my last memory of her to be.

Northbynorthbreast · 13/10/2022 22:02

@MuddlingThroughLife i am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how painful that experience is x

Lemonsandlimez · 13/10/2022 22:12

I visited my nanny recently, it was so beautiful the funeral directors had such a beautiful viewing room, my nanny would have been so pleased.
She looked just like her, but she wasn't there. Was closure for me certainly. Did half expect her to sit up and ask me what I was looking at though.

mrsbyers · 13/10/2022 22:23

I lost my dad less then a month ago , I did go and see him but only stayed.a short time and really just to accompany my mam - I wasn’t scared as to me it’s just a body , his soul had already gone and it didn’t really comfort me apart from it was nice to see him dressed in his usual clothes rather than hospital stuff.

Smallorangecat · 13/10/2022 22:33

I chose not to see DH. I wanted to remember him as he was when I had last seen him (he died very suddenly and unexpectedly). There was probably an element of protecting myself from the reality too as seeing would mean accepting that he had actually died. Over a year later, I still don’t know if that was the right decision.

Mummyof287 · 13/10/2022 22:37

My dad died last year and I chose not to view his body.It was a fairly easy decision for me as the thought of doing so made me feel very awkward and tense...probably because sadly that's what our relationship was like alot of the time since i grew up, and also because I had never seen a dead person and was worried I wouldn't be able to get the image of him like that out of my head. I know the decision would be different with those in my life whom i have a closer and more loving, relaxed relationship with.

OkPedro · 13/10/2022 22:42

MightyOaks · 13/10/2022 20:55

I couldn't go to view my Dad as I knew it would traumatise me and I'm glad I didn't go. My Mum, brother & Uncle did and wish they hadn't. My Mum also wishes she hadn't seen her mother.

Also, if you don't wish to view the body they don't then embalm them according to a funeral director I asked. Personally I'd take comfort in the fact that they're not embalmed. (Would also be cheaper too)

I wonder if that's cultural? We weren't asked if we were having a wake and open coffin for our Mam. I assumed all bodies were embalmed because the body deteriorates quickly 😢

Growlybear83 · 13/10/2022 22:46

I found it very traumatic when I saw my father after he had died, when I was in my early 30s. It was the first time I had seen a dead body, and he had died very suddenly. It didn't help that I didn't realise I was being taken in to identify him formally - I thought I was just going in to talk to a doctor.

My mum died recently, and I was with her when she died, stroking her hair. She'd had severe dementia and spent the last three weeks of her life in hospital after a stroke. She had been really distressed for most of this time, but her final hours were very peaceful and calm. I was very glad I was with her, but I didn't want to see her body again once I had left the hospital.

But I think the most important thing in the OP's post is that her mother didn't want anyone to see her body after she had died. I feel very strongly that there is nothing more important than respecting the wishes of someone who has died about how they want their body to be treated afterwards, whether they want a cremation or burial etc., and that must take priority over the wishes of any family and friends who are left behind.

busybusy10 · 13/10/2022 22:50

I was with my Dad when he died and found that so upsetting so I think that affected my choice in seeing him after he passed. I did go and see him in the funeral home and so glad I did. He was dressed in his normal clothes, we put messages and cards in with him and I felt like it was the last chance I would get to see him. No regrets but it's

such a personal choice x

Hbh17 · 13/10/2022 22:56

I saw my MIL (briefly) as she died at home. I certainly didn't choose to go to see her at the undertaker's also - none of us did, including her sons. I can't imagine ever wanting to participate in that ritual of viewing a deceased person - I'm not squeamish, but I just can't see the point. But if people have the choice, then we can all do what we prefer, so no issue with that.

ItisallPooh · 13/10/2022 23:09

As my parents died young, I've been in the unfortunate position of being next of kin for not just mum but grandparents too. My mum wanted me to check they had the right person before the funeral. I was with her when she died.
My grandma wanted me to check she was wearing the correct outfit.. and well my as I had checked on them I felt I should check on my Granda. I don't understand folk who will keep going back between their relative's death and the funeral.
I hated seeing them lying there, cold and almost waxy apoearance but I did as they had asked.

Lentil63 · 13/10/2022 23:17

Yes it helps me but that doesn’t make it easy.
Many years ago a very dear friend died very young following an accident, his family wouldn’t let us visit him in hospital or see him once he died, we weren’t even allowed to take flowers to his funeral although we did go to the funeral.
They had their reasons and I absolutely respect that but it took me a long time to really digest that he was gone.
As in so many things, we are all different.
I’m sorry for your loss, you respected your mother’s wishes which is how it should be.

willowstar · 13/10/2022 23:25

I found it helpful but I am a nurse and used to death and dying so I am not sure if that makes a difference? The people I know who have died have both been quite young and it was unexpected so I had a lot to say to them that I hadn't had chance to say when they are alive..so I went and spoke at them.

All very personal though. Some people find it helpful, others not. There is no right or wrong.

nonstoprenovation · 13/10/2022 23:30

My dad died in ICU my mum went and sat with him, o chose not too.

My last memory of him is 20 days earlier giving me a hug and kiss and saying "drive safe"

I'd rather that memory, so I decided not to see him all wired up in hospital.

Kona84 · 13/10/2022 23:36

My mum took me to view my Nan with her when I was about 10- I had nightmares for weeks.
I think I thought we were going to see her alive I don’t remember knowing that she had died at that point.
I wasn’t allowed to go to the funeral as that would be too distressing apparently.

I’ve lost a few more people since then and not viewed them because of my experience at 10 years old

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 13/10/2022 23:40

I viewed a family relative's body when I was 15. It was just something we did and I was deemed old enough. It haunted me and does to this day. I have never viewed a body since and I think would only do so if required for ID purposes.

Tealpoppy · 13/10/2022 23:43

I’ve never seen a dead body as such (I did witness a death at work-a bloke ran across the road and was hit by a car-he was dead before he hit the floor,but we where all moved away from that window)

I was brought up by my grandad-I loved him so much,we where very close and he’s still a huge influence on my life

he died when I was 14 and my narcissistic mother vaguely asked if we wanted to see his body (I had to fight to go to his funeral though-she wanted it to be all about her and she thought I’d get in her way)

my dad made it very clear that we where not going at all (his words where ‘he’s not grandad anymore-he will have rotted too much’ this was a week after he died)

so the decision wasn’t really ours to make on that one

i lost a very dear friend and the chance didn’t come up-we where not family and I still wouldn’t have gone-id lost her-the funeral was my chance to say goodbye

my darling fil died last year and my dp and I both said we couldn’t do it-we’d said our goodbyes when he was still alive and we both felt it was too much for us (mil respected our decision)

it’s a personal choice

Pegsmum · 13/10/2022 23:46

MuddlingThroughLife · 13/10/2022 19:51

I visited my 10 year old boy every day until his funeral. We read him a story, told him we loved him and gave him a kiss.

When my mum died I went just once to visit her and say my final goodbye.

There is no right or wrong. You have to do what's right for you.

I’m so sorry you lost your boy ❤️

Floralnomad · 13/10/2022 23:52

As a retired nurse I’ve been present at numerous deaths so have seen loads of newly dead bodies . My dad died very suddenly in his early 50s and I saw him at home before they removed him and I was with my mum when she died at home in her late 70s . I opted to go and see my dad at the funeral directors and it was a massive mistake , it was so awful that I compounded the mistake by going back the next day . I will never view a body at an undertakers again .

Imissmoominmama · 14/10/2022 00:01

I was with Mum when she died, and so was Dad. I didn’t want to see her at the funeral home, but Dad did. It’s a very personal decision. He was glad he did; I was glad I didn’t.

I felt very much that Mum left her body when she died; I just wanted to be in her favourite places, because I thought she’d be with me there.

RhubarbFairy · 14/10/2022 06:35

To echo what others have said about the person not being 'there' any more. DH was with FIL when he passed. He said to me that he changed straightaway. That he'd gone and it was just his shell there. He didn't view him later. Repeated himself, that he wasn't really there anymore.

MIL and I spoke about the viewing at the funeral. She wasn't sure if it was a good thing she'd been or not as from his profile he looked completely different, but she said it was okay if she looked straight down at him. She only went once. Apparently the undertakers told her she could visit anytime, just give them 20 minutes notice, but she said she didn't want to keep disturbing FIL. We had about 3 weeks between death and funeral.

Goatinthegarden · 14/10/2022 06:47

My mum and siblings were all in the hospice with my dad when he died. I found it very surreal. The moment he died, you could almost see him ‘leave’ (and I don’t believe in spirits or afterlife). He was no longer there.

I didn’t want to see him again after that, but I felt comforted by the fact that I had clearly seen that he had ‘gone’. I have been to funerals before, but have never seen a body after death. I used to find the idea of a body quite frightening, but now I see that once a person has died, the body left behind is really just a shell. I find that oddly reassuring.

My brother on the other hand, left the room immediately when Dad died. He has been, and continues to be, very upset by the experience.