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Original poster

Viewing a body

196 replies

notputtingtheheatingon · 13/10/2022 19:39

My mum was an orphan. She lost both her parents before she was 16 but she had a clear memory of going to see her mum's body and being incredibly traumatised by the experience. This was probably due to her age (she was 15) and the awfully sudden way her mum passed, but nonetheless, it was a very traumatic experience.

From being in my 20s, I remember mum making me promise that when she one day died, none of us would view her body. It was a really big, important thing for her as she didn't want us to (potentially) have the same experience.

We were faced with that reality not too long ago when mum died very suddenly. The shock of it all was indescribable but in the huge whirlwind of emotions, I just had this refrain going round in my head that she didn't want us to view her body and so we didn't. She died unexpectedly after a minor op went wrong and so was in hospital at the time. I was surprised at how many people asked if we want to see the body. I had 2 calls from the hospital, a call from a doctor who was there plus a few from the undertakers. They seemed to think it was a bit strange that we didn't want to? I just always figured it would be a 50/50 thing...some would find it helpful, some wouldn't. But according to the undertaker, more people do view, than don't.

Obviously this is a deeply personal decision for each person. I guess some would get a sense of closure but others might find it traumatic. Everyone has to decide what's best for themselves but I'm just curious about others' views on this? I 100% think you have to do what's right for you. This was the right decision for us.

If you've lost someone, did it help you to view? Or did you opt not to?

OP posts:
TimBoothseyes · 14/10/2022 07:01

When mum died in March 2020 viewings were not allowed and I found it really hard to accept that she had gone. She died 2 days after being admitted to hospital and my last image is of a scared old woman being put into the back of an ambulance. To not have been able to see her at peace and say goodbye properly was deeply upsetting although there was no choice.
When dad died a few months later, although he was at home (cancer), he looked dishevelled (I'm sure there is a better word for how he looked, I just can't think of it). I saw him at the funeral home a few days later, dressed in the clothes we had given the undertakers and dad looked like the dapper man he was. That is my last memory of him, and it's a much better image of him than the day he died.

Sorry for your loss OP.

lollipoprainbow · 14/10/2022 07:04

I visited my lovely mum at chapel of rest yesterday. I saw her just after she had died but her eyes were slightly open and it upset me. I was dreading seeing her but knew I had to and would regret it if I didn't. She looked fine, they had put a small amount of make up on her and she had photos in her coffin and a small teddy. I wanted to make sure she was wearing what I had left out for her and she was. I'm so glad I went.

faffadoodledo · 14/10/2022 07:12

Both my parents died earlier this year. I had a very good opportunity to see Mum because she died at home. I didn't. And I bitterly regret it. My husband says i did the right thing because his siblings saw his Mum in the chapel of rest and regret it. I don't know. I do feel ought to have done. Despite having been involved in her care while she was alive and ill I think I didn't accord her with that final act of love.
Sorry for your so recent loss @lollipoprainbow . I think you did the right thing x

lollipoprainbow · 14/10/2022 07:18

@faffadoodledo thank you x I don't regret going, I think I would have if I hadn't gone.

Howiethegerbil · 14/10/2022 09:54

yerdaindicatesonbends · 13/10/2022 20:12

@Howiethegerbil Do you think it’s not as traumatic? Because I was with my gran when she passed and it honestly felt like an honour and not traumatic, but have chosen not to view when not having been there.

Show quote history

@yerdaindicatesonbends That's definitely it, it was an honour to spend my grandad's last minutes with him and a little while just after he died, he just looked like was asleep, and more importantly he looked like my grandad, I kissed him and it was heartbreaking but I wasn't afraid of him. When I saw my nanna she'd been gone for over a week, she wasn't the same, her face didn't look like her and it was scary to see. My sister said she didn't feel the same when she held her hand but I was just too afraid to touch her as much as I willed myself to. I found the two experiences incredibly different. I'm sorry for your loss, losing grandparents is so hard for so many reasons.

IncompleteSenten · 14/10/2022 09:59

I saw my grandad. It didn't look like him. It was very strange. My dad died a few years ago and I didn't see him. I don't feel any better or worse for it.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/10/2022 10:25

I saw my DF about 10 minutes after he died - not traumatic at all, he just looked as if he was asleep. A DDIS OTOH saw him days later at the funeral parlour and said afterwards she wished she hadn’t - he did look very dead by then.

I’ve seen both my DM and a close friend right after they died, and an aunt several hours afterwards. I wouldn’t call any of those in the least traumatic.
After several days, I think I’d rather not, though.

WhenDovesFly · 14/10/2022 10:36

I'm a funeral arranger and it's a personal choice for the family. A lot will have had chance to say their goodbyes at the time their loved one died, and won't feel the need to see them again, but at the other extreme some people will come every day we have the deceased in our care and may spend hours at a time sitting with them. The family should do what feels right for them and not feel forced into visiting in the chapel.

A good funeral director will to their utmost to present the deceased in the best way possible, and explain to the family exactly what to expect before they go in so that they don't find it a traumatic experience. If you want to be close but not see the deceased, then it's possible to visit with a closed coffin.

In my experience most families that visit seem to get comfort from seeing their loved one at peace.

inheritanceshiteagain · 14/10/2022 10:37

I never wanted to view my fathers body and didn't. My sister did and said it didn't look like him anyway. I was the same with my mum. I see nothing positive in it. I want happy memories of the lovely people they were, not some cold empty shell of a body. Other people feel differently

hesbeen2021 · 14/10/2022 10:38

I couldn't have not seen my 16 year old son who was killed in a road incident.
For me, viewing his body, confirmed he was really dead and that his soul had departed. He just wasn't 'him' anymore. I don't think I have the words really but it looked just like him but much older. I don't have any regrets but it did take some years before the image of the 'older' version of him left my mind and now I can recall the youthful 16 year old easily.
I sat with him every day until his funeral a couple of weeks later, it felt right to accompany his earthly body until he was laid to rest.

crumpetswithjam · 14/10/2022 10:42

I didn't want to, and don't regret it for a second.

Sagittariusrising · 14/10/2022 11:00

My dad died at home very suddenly and quietly and so even my mum took a while to notice. I never made it on time and so I decided to go and visit him in the funeral parlour and say my final goodbyes.

Dad had been sick for a long time and seeing him at the funeral parlour laid out was not the same as seeing him at home. As another PP mentioned, he looked like a waxwork, but I never found it upsetting. I sat and talked to him for a while and came out feeling lighter and happier. His brother, who hadn't seen him for a long time, found it traumatising.

I have no regrets personally and it helped me with the grieving process.

Southlandssue · 14/10/2022 11:05

My mum always said don’t go and see bodies, remember how they were alive. She died suddenly and I didn’t go to see her, didn’t arrive until a few hours after her death and my Dad had already left the hospital. I don’t remember if the offer was made to see her at the undertaker’s but I would not have done so as she was always so adamant.

When my Dad was dying, we had a early morning call from the hospice that it was imminent, we didn’t make it in time but went I went into to the room when we arrived and immediately left, absolutely certain that my Mum was right and I should have listened to her. That image of my Dad does live in my head, it is not what always comes to mind but I wish it wasn’t there.

ThreeLeggedCat · 14/10/2022 11:08

I’ve done it twice, both times found it very peaceful.

dreamadreamy · 14/10/2022 11:40

It helped me. Sadly my dad lived on his own and it was only when he stopped responding to text messages and we went round to check that we found him. It didn't look like him at all and that's the image that we haunt me.

I saw him at the funeral home and he looked just like he was sleeping and very peaceful.

user1498572889 · 14/10/2022 12:00

My Mum died when i was 18. I was with her when she died and although she was very ill and looked it nothing prepared me for what she looked like at the funeral home. It was absolutely horrendous. I had nightmares about it for years. It wasnt just me everyone who saw her said the same thing. I never saw another dead person until recently. He was at home and the undertakers had done a great job with him he looked very peaceful and like he was asleep.

Shitfather · 14/10/2022 12:12

I saw my daughter. I think I was in too much shock and numb and to feel anything. I think it’s been too painful to think about it since, but this thread is bringing back memories. I think I would do it again, knowing those were the last moments I’d ever see her again. It’s a fucking awful thing knowing they are alone in refrigerated and clinical conditions.

Shitfather · 14/10/2022 12:13

(Sorry I should have mentioned this was at the morgue.)

Doingmybest12 · 14/10/2022 12:48

I saw my MIL straight after death at the hospice and again at the funeral parlour. At the funeral parlour she just didn't look like her at all, wished I hadn't. I saw my mum at home just after she died but didn't go to the funeral parlour because of what happened with MIL. I think if I couldn't get to see mum at home I would've gone to the parlour despite the worries just to see her one last time. But in the great scheme of things it doesn't matter. It isn't them, they don't know about the visit, it is about what brings comfort to you. You followed her wishes and hopefully that is all you need to know.

washingbasketqueen · 14/10/2022 12:52

I'm Irish so seeing the deceased body is pretty normal. The body usually returns to the family home a day or two before the funeral and people come for the wake. Wakes usually consist of lots of small children attending and in all my time I've not seen/ heard of a child being overly upset (outside of the norm) from seeing a body. I find it comforting and gives me time to say goodbye.

Bonjovispjs · 14/10/2022 13:08

My Dad died in a hospice and the nurse said there that there is no right or wrong about seeing the person who's died, it's a personal choice. I chose not to, mainly because death freaks me out and I don't want to see a dead body, no matter who it belongs to, I have no regrets.

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 14/10/2022 14:30

I saw my lovely dad in the chapel of rest and I'm SO glad I did. He had been battling colon cancer for a couple of years and it had spread to other areas inc his face. When I saw him he looked like he did before the cancer. My aunt was adamant she didn't want to see him but once I saw him and told her he looked so peaceful I went with her to see him. She was so glad she went too. It's a very personal thing and there's no right or wrong.

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 14/10/2022 14:31

I kissed his forehead and I knew he was going to be cold but he felt like marble :(

tedgran · 14/10/2022 14:39

My dearest friend died abroad many years ago. I went to see her body before the funeral, it was just a shell, she had gone. However I'm glad that I saw her.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 12/08/2023 08:32

When my dad died my gran practically took coach parties to see him in the funeral parlour. It upset my mum although we knew it was just my grans way of coping, she asked not to bring people to see her when she died and so I didn't.

I can totally understand with the loss of a child, the need to go every day and I'm so sorry for your loss @MuddlingThroughLife and all the others on this thread.