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Viewing a body

196 replies

notputtingtheheatingon · 13/10/2022 19:39

My mum was an orphan. She lost both her parents before she was 16 but she had a clear memory of going to see her mum's body and being incredibly traumatised by the experience. This was probably due to her age (she was 15) and the awfully sudden way her mum passed, but nonetheless, it was a very traumatic experience.

From being in my 20s, I remember mum making me promise that when she one day died, none of us would view her body. It was a really big, important thing for her as she didn't want us to (potentially) have the same experience.

We were faced with that reality not too long ago when mum died very suddenly. The shock of it all was indescribable but in the huge whirlwind of emotions, I just had this refrain going round in my head that she didn't want us to view her body and so we didn't. She died unexpectedly after a minor op went wrong and so was in hospital at the time. I was surprised at how many people asked if we want to see the body. I had 2 calls from the hospital, a call from a doctor who was there plus a few from the undertakers. They seemed to think it was a bit strange that we didn't want to? I just always figured it would be a 50/50 thing...some would find it helpful, some wouldn't. But according to the undertaker, more people do view, than don't.

Obviously this is a deeply personal decision for each person. I guess some would get a sense of closure but others might find it traumatic. Everyone has to decide what's best for themselves but I'm just curious about others' views on this? I 100% think you have to do what's right for you. This was the right decision for us.

If you've lost someone, did it help you to view? Or did you opt not to?

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 12/08/2023 08:40

Similar to you op. My dad lost his mum as a mid teen and was made to go and see her body. It upset him hugely and he was always adamant we should not do similar. Sadly he died very suddenly when I was mid teens too (different reasons) - I didn’t go and see him.

ALongHardWinter · 12/08/2023 08:45

I wasn't with either my DM or DDad when they passed,so going to view their body definitely helped me. It confirmed to me that they had really gone,if you know what I mean? They just looked like they were peacefully asleep.

Doingmybest12 · 12/08/2023 08:55

It is a personal decision and no right or wrong. You can take comfort in knowing you followed your mum's wishes. I think you might've been asked a few times as it was unexpected and they wanted to make sure. I saw my MIL in the funeral parlour. It really wasn't like her at all and I wished I hadn't visited her but many others find it comforting.

Malarandras · 12/08/2023 09:05

I was in the hospital when my husband died and I wish I hadn’t been. The moment of death and seeing him afterwards still haunts me. But I didn’t really have a choice as I couldn’t leave him to die alone. I have not viewed any other relatives after death and I intend to keep it that way.

RuthW · 12/08/2023 09:14

You did the right thing. I saw my grandfather. I will never see another.

Watfrordmummy · 12/08/2023 09:16

My dad passed away in the hospice when I was in the departure lounge waiting for my flight.

My brother and mum were with him, but I went straight to the hospice to see him.

We all sat around and spoke to him, I stroked his arm the whole time. When it was time to leave we kissed him goodbye.

None of us saw him in the funeral home but chose his outfit with care.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, I think what ever you do is right for you xx

Footle · 12/08/2023 09:21

My grandfather was brought up by his Liverpool Irish grandparents. He was 5 when his grandfather died, and as the only male left in the household it was his duty to put a penny on each of his grandfather's eyes. Barbaric really.

Essexgirlupnorth · 08/10/2023 18:21

I was with my mum when she died so didn't go and see her in the funeral home. Some family friends did but I didn't want to. Haven't regretted the decision. If I hadn't been there I might have made a differeny decision.

Podgedodge · 08/10/2023 18:29

I went to see my DH.
Was not keen, was with him holding his hand as he died, but knew it would be last time and also he was dressed in a suit he rarely got a chance to wear and felt it important someone saw him in it. It was his body, he wasn’t there but am glad I went.

whatisforteamum · 08/10/2023 18:31

I saw my f in law and he looked peaceful.
He was buried and an image of him kept popping in my head thinking of him in the ground.
I was young though.
When df died I considered it then decided to let things be.
I think each situation is different.im sure I would see dhs body though.

Anetra · 08/10/2023 18:31

I’m Irish so have been used to being brought into see bodies from a young age and it doesn’t bother me now. We will have a body in the house with the coffin open for 3 days drinking cups of tea beside it, touching their face or their hands etc. But I get every one’s different and it was very respectful of you to follow your mums wishes x

ThreeRingCircus · 08/10/2023 18:38

RuthW · 12/08/2023 09:14

You did the right thing. I saw my grandfather. I will never see another.

This is exactly how I feel. I can understand how it's helpful for some but the memories of what I saw live in my head now and I found it traumatic rather than comforting. It definitely wasn't "them" anymore and I'd rather have just remembered them as they were when they were alive.

I've always refused to view any other bodies and don't regret it, it is absolutely the right decision for me. It's such a personal choice though, unfortunately you don't know whether it will be helpful or not until you do it at which point it's too late.

GreyCarpet · 08/10/2023 18:40

I viewed my grandma's body. She died of a heart attack. I was not prepared. I regretted it and it's still the most vivid image I have of her.

If they'd told me beforehand that she didn't look at peace or as though she was sleeping, I wouldn't have

SophieJo · 08/10/2023 19:02

I was with both of my parents when they died, years apart. Both were in great pain at the end and I went to see them both in the funeral home. I’m glad I did as they looked so peaceful at last. I put something in their coffins as well. I’m glad I went as I found it comforting and still do when I think back.

Riapia · 08/10/2023 19:08

I don’t want anyone to see me after I have died. Also nobody is going to have my ashes.

caringcarer · 08/10/2023 19:21

The last time I saw my Dad he was laughing. I wanted to remember him that way because he died suddenly of a massive heart attack. My Mum was very ill and had wasted away in front of my eyes. I mentally said goodbye to her everyday for last 10 days of her life. Until one day she died. I was with her when she passed away. I didn't go to view her body again. I did go to see a very dear friend because I hadn't seen them for a while and I wanted to say goodbye to them.

Viviennemary · 08/10/2023 19:23

No it absolutely did not help me on the very few occasions I have done this. I just did it to please other family members, awful experience.

Blinkityblonk · 08/10/2023 19:25

I sat with my husband after he died, just for a short while, and one of my children did too. I would say that it felt important for me to do it, I don't think I had a sense he was at peace because he died very peacefully anyway in some ways, so I'd seen him looking sleeping (but with exaggerated breaths) in a coma for a few days anyway. I do remember him being very very cold to touch and so that felt odd, reaching out and him not being warm and comforting.

I think it helped me see that once he was dead, he was dead and there's no coming back from that. He always said he would not return, and I've never had a sense of him, his presence, signs, anything since then and I feel comforted he was off and away on another adventure.

DyslexicPoster · 08/10/2023 19:31

It's a personal desision and there's right or wrong. When my dad died I viewed hus body. When my mum died I asked the undertakers option if i should view, and he said no. I think that's a valid way to look at it. The undertaking has a good idea if they look OK and peaceful.

I sat with mums coffin instead. Lid closed

DaisyMaisyFaisy · 08/10/2023 19:36

I didn’t see any of my grandparents and I don’t regret it, other than the last one.

The first three I’d visited before they died, one only a few hours before, so it felt like I’d said goodbye then. But my last grandad I didn’t, I was away for a week then when I got back he was seriously ill and my uncle basically wouldn’t leave his bedside for anyone else to visit. Then he didn’t tell anyone when he was ready to be visited at the Chapel of Rest. It still haunts me that I didn’t get to say goodbye, I’m tearing up writing this.

My uncle also spread his ashes without telling my side of the family so I feel my uncle prevented me from saying goodbye three times

AbbeyGailsParty · 08/10/2023 19:37

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think you did 100% right respecting your mum’s wishes. I have this in my wishes / funeral plan that no one under any circumstances is to “view” me.

I had a terrible experience at a funeral home after my friend died, was almost taken into the wrong body. I was shaking as it was, very upset. First the man there laughed when I phoned saying I was lost could he give me some directions ( pre smart phones) then they got the names mixed up and almost showed me into the wrong room. And even getting into the right room didn’t make me feel any better. Will never do it again.

Roselilly36 · 08/10/2023 19:41

Such a personal choice. I prefer to remember the person, as in life. But I have know people who chose to visit daily, particularly if the loss of is a child. No right or wrong.

Faceplantagain · 08/10/2023 19:47

It's entirely up to you and no-one should judge anyone for their decision. I was with my Dad when he died. I was very close to him, and spent a lot of time with him in the period when we knew he was terminal, which culminated in us (his children) sitting with him in the last few days of his life when he was unconscious. When he finally died, he wasn't there any more, and none of us wanted to spend time with his body. My Mum died when none of us were around, but not long after a period where we'd all spent a lot of time with her, thinking she was going to die. I felt no need to see her body. That was what was right for us, and it might not be right for anyone else.

AnnieSnap · 08/10/2023 19:51

I found spending time with my father’s body comforting and really helpful. I had his body at my home in an open coffin overnight. My DC were aged 8 and 6. They were fine with it and it probably contributed with them being pretty comfortable about death. On the morning of the funeral, I overheard my 6-year-old ask my 8-year-old if he thought Grandad was still downstairs. He replied breezily “yeah, I just went down for some cornflakes and had a look at him while I was eating them”!

Since then, I have seen 3 other bodies. It’s never been traumatic in any way.

Grushenka · 08/10/2023 20:00

My dad died after a long illness. I went to see his body an hour or so after he died. He was still warm. The agony had gone and his face looked peaceful for the first time in months. I had a desperate urge to take a piece of him with me, I held his arm for a long time. I loved him so much. I looked over at my brother and in a flash wondered why he was laughing but he was doubled over sobbing. I could hardly bear it, but needed to do it. Though it was by far the worst day of my whole life, it was right for me to see his body.