Viewing a body

[notputtingtheheatingon]

My mum was an orphan. She lost both her parents before she was 16 but she had a clear memory of going to see her mum's body and being incredibly traumatised by the experience. This was probably due to her age (she was 15) and the awfully sudden way her mum passed, but nonetheless, it was a very traumatic experience.

From being in my 20s, I remember mum making me promise that when she one day died, none of us would view her body. It was a really big, important thing for her as she didn't want us to (potentially) have the same experience.

We were faced with that reality not too long ago when mum died very suddenly. The shock of it all was indescribable but in the huge whirlwind of emotions, I just had this refrain going round in my head that she didn't want us to view her body and so we didn't. She died unexpectedly after a minor op went wrong and so was in hospital at the time. I was surprised at how many people asked if we want to see the body. I had 2 calls from the hospital, a call from a doctor who was there plus a few from the undertakers. They seemed to think it was a bit strange that we didn't want to? I just always figured it would be a 50/50 thing...some would find it helpful, some wouldn't. But according to the undertaker, more people do view, than don't.

Obviously this is a deeply personal decision for each person. I guess some would get a sense of closure but others might find it traumatic. Everyone has to decide what's best for themselves but I'm just curious about others' views on this? I 100% think you have to do what's right for you. This was the right decision for us.

If you've lost someone, did it help you to view? Or did you opt not to?

Same. I find it quite a natural healing part of coming to terms with someone’s death. In fact, it felt weird when I went to a funeral where they didn’t have their loved ones home beforehand.

It is such a personal thing and no one can tell you the right or wrong way to do things.

Sorry that was in response to @Anetra

I saw my Mum just after she passed way at home. She looked sleeping and peaceful. Second visit to the funeral parlour was a mistake and I regret it. On that basis, I decided not to go and see my brother after he died suddenly. I just wanted to remember him alive, happy and smiling and I have no regrets about that.

I’ve seen several people very soon after they died, inc. my parents, and didn’t find it at all traumatic. OTOH a DSis saw my father several days later, in the funeral home, and said she wished she hadn’t - by then he looked ‘very dead’. She would rather have remembered him as he was before.

Yes there's a huge difference seeing someone very soon after they've died and when they've been dead a while. I would not visit a body in a funeral parlour again, but it's such a personal choice. I totally understand that for some people it's helpful.

I would always take advice on the wisdom of viewing the body after the first few days, our funeral director advised not after a certain amount of time. In countries where they have open caskets, the funeral tends to be very much quicker than in the UK where it can be weeks to get to the funeral.

I was with my mum when she died and I sat with my dad’s body for several hours after he died. Close family all came to see him and say goodbye. Regarding mum, the family and close friends came the day before she died. She was already unconscious and I think they came to support us as much as to see her. She was buried within 24 hours of dying so people couldn’t view the body in a coffin. I think it is more important to spend time with people when they are alive, when you can tell them you love them.

I was with my dad when he died but my brother wasn't and didn't want to view his body.

In my experience I know less people who decided not to view the deceased than who did.

I saw my husband in his coffin, he looked like he was sleeping peacefully. I also saw his brother, so my brother-in-law, 4 months later, he looked tortured, but maybe the funeral diectors were not so good.
I am not traumatised by either of these viewings.
I could have seen my father, but preferred to remember him living. I had no desire to see my mother, although I carefully ironed the clothes she would be cremated in and organised her funeral - including giving the eulogy, which my sister told me was "spot on".
You are right, it is very personal and there is no right or wrong approach.
My condolences.

I was with my close loved ones in my family when they died, but never went to view their bodies bar one.

I actually worked in a funeral home so I guess I got used to viewing bodies. I would have to check their name bracelet was right so would feel cold clammy skin. When mum died in hospital they allowed me to see her (to kiss her goodbye) and I was ok with that. Just looked like she was sleeping (with her mouth open!!).

My dad died earlier this year, none of us were with him when he died overnight, none of us wanted to see the body afterwards. These were the right decisions for us as a family - when the end was near and he was unconscious we all said goodbye, said we loved him and went home.

There are no rights and wrongs, dealing with death is deeply personal and everyone handles it differently.

I’ve viewed my dh and my Nan and dad.

it helped me but I can understand why people don’t go.

My mum and u saw ny dads body in the hosputal a couple if hours after he died.His eyes were wide open and ge had a look of terror and as uf he was screaming.It was horrible!

It is so personal, I saw my dad after he died, for me I had to. He did look awful but I didn't find it traumatising, more like he is really gone and that is not him. I would find it really hard to come to terms with it I hadn't viewed him.

Didn’t really have a choice. I had to identify my mum’s body after she’d been killed on a dark, country road by a speeding driver

I was with my grandmother holding her hand when she passed away aged 11. No coffin funeral so everyone saw her.

When my mother died (in hospital) I needed to see her and sat holding her dead hand hand until it got too cold to hold. I didn’t go to the mortuary to see her but I washed her body, I dressed her in her funeral wraps (muslim) and then the funeral prayers were open casket. My dc was 6 at the time. At every moment (hospital, mosque, graveyard) we gave him the option to see grandma but had decided if said no that was fine.

I chose not to view my grandad’s body. He was taken to hospital by emergency ambulance, but was DOA. The family gathered at the hospital and we sat in the family room. The rest of my family chose to go and see him, but I didn’t. I was very close to my grandad growing up and was 30 when he died. I just didn’t want to have the vision of him lying there dead in my head. That wasn’t how I wanted to remember him. I just knew that once I saw him like that I wouldn’t ever be able to get the image out of my mind. For me it was the right decision and no one in my family ever questioned it. I think things like are very personal to each individual. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way.

I have never viewed another dead body since i had to identify my own DD when she was killed at age 5. I still have that image imprinted on my mind and never want another like it. When they are dead they are gone and to be honest i just don't understand why people want to look at the lifeless body of their loved one. However i do appreciate that others differ in this view and find it helpful somehow.

It helped me in that it helped me understand the person was really gone (sudden death). If you've not seen a body, this is hard to explain but it's very...inanimate. Which sounds obvious, but it's like, it's very clear that the person isn't "there."

@ApolloandDaphne i am so so so sorry that you had that experience. To have a child die, I cannot imagine the horror. A big hug to you xx