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Original poster

Viewing a body

196 replies

notputtingtheheatingon · 13/10/2022 19:39

My mum was an orphan. She lost both her parents before she was 16 but she had a clear memory of going to see her mum's body and being incredibly traumatised by the experience. This was probably due to her age (she was 15) and the awfully sudden way her mum passed, but nonetheless, it was a very traumatic experience.

From being in my 20s, I remember mum making me promise that when she one day died, none of us would view her body. It was a really big, important thing for her as she didn't want us to (potentially) have the same experience.

We were faced with that reality not too long ago when mum died very suddenly. The shock of it all was indescribable but in the huge whirlwind of emotions, I just had this refrain going round in my head that she didn't want us to view her body and so we didn't. She died unexpectedly after a minor op went wrong and so was in hospital at the time. I was surprised at how many people asked if we want to see the body. I had 2 calls from the hospital, a call from a doctor who was there plus a few from the undertakers. They seemed to think it was a bit strange that we didn't want to? I just always figured it would be a 50/50 thing...some would find it helpful, some wouldn't. But according to the undertaker, more people do view, than don't.

Obviously this is a deeply personal decision for each person. I guess some would get a sense of closure but others might find it traumatic. Everyone has to decide what's best for themselves but I'm just curious about others' views on this? I 100% think you have to do what's right for you. This was the right decision for us.

If you've lost someone, did it help you to view? Or did you opt not to?

OP posts:
hopelessatthinkingupusernames · 13/10/2022 20:24

I saw my dad after he died and he looked so awful, I had this awful image stuck in my head. I went to see him at the funeral home and they had made him look like himself again, so I found it really helpful.

went to see my mum after she died but I didn’t find it helpful, so declined to see the last couple of relatives who died. There’s no right or wrong answer, I think it varies for each person and the circumstances.

Fink · 13/10/2022 20:28

I've always viewed the body, and mostly we've had a wake with an open coffin, it's just normal in our family/ culture. I think when the time comes for my parents to die I would want to, to say goodbye. And I'd like to be able to wash and prepare my mum's body (it wouldn't feel right to see my dad without clothes).

BadNomad · 13/10/2022 20:28

I think it's a bit different going to see someone who has died, while they are still in hospital, after it has just happened. It's not really "viewing a body". But it is an individual thing really and depends a lot on the circumstances of the death.

okytdvhuoo · 13/10/2022 20:28

I think it helps with acceptance and saying goodbye.

It did leave a strong image for a while but this fades and now I really have to think hard to remember the details.

I’m glad I went.

Original poster
notputtingtheheatingon · 13/10/2022 20:28

I didn't really expect so many responses to this but it seems that it's a very personal/individual decision. Some found it helpful, others didn't.

For us, mum's passing was so sudden. Two days beforehand she was running round after the grandkids and then on the Monday I took her in for minor surgery under anaesthetic. She had a massive heart attack and couldn't be saved.

For us, seeing her without life would have been too much but I love how we're all different. For those who viewed, I'm really glad it gave you the comfort you needed. It's a very personal decision.

OP posts:
Goldenboysmum · 13/10/2022 20:30

BigFatLiar · 13/10/2022 19:45

I've seen both my parents and in laws when dead. Didn't bother me, I was there when each of my parents died. Seeing the body in the coffin wasn't traumatic, they were already gone it was just a final part of the sign off.

Each to their own, different matter if the cause of death was traumatic. I doubt they'd ask then.

When my son died I wanted to see him even though it was a traumatic death (he ended his life)

Even after almost 2 years, I still think, what if it wasn't him.

patchysmum · 13/10/2022 20:31

I saw my mum just after she died, it did help because I could tell straight away that she was not there anymore it was just a body. I think ]t matters how they dies and what the body looks like. I am afraid my husband looked awful and that was distressing especially because my just 18 year old son was with me.

Buteverythingsfine · 13/10/2022 20:31

I saw my husband after he died, a few hours later, sat with him, I had already said what I wanted to say many times when he was dying but I think it was helpful to see he was absolutely gone. One thing I wasn't prepared for was how cold he was, icy, whereas he was so warm in life, even in those last days so stroking his face and hand was odd. Glad to have had that time with him, one of my children spent quite a while with him after death too. There is no right or wrong.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 13/10/2022 20:33

It's definitely a personal decision. I've seen both my nans in the funeral homes. Sounds stupid but the first time I did, I had no idea how cold she would feel. I've also been in the room with a family members body for a few hours just after they died, I couldn't leave them alone before they came to take her away. That was probably harder than viewing in the funeral home.

catinboots123 · 13/10/2022 20:33

With my Nan it was lovely, but obviously sad.

With my dad it was the worst experience of my entire life

MummyInTheNecropolis · 13/10/2022 20:35

When my dad died my sister was adamant that she didn’t want to see him in the funeral home, whereas I felt I absolutely had to. Neither of us has ever regretted our decisions, we both did what was right for us. My dad wouldn’t have cared either way, he’d have wanted us to do whatever we felt we needed to.

TimeforZeroes · 13/10/2022 20:37

No I didn’t. In lift, he was vain and beautiful and he would’ve hated it.

RadFad · 13/10/2022 20:37

When we lost my sister it was during the first lockdown and we weren't allowed a Chapel of Rest. I wasn't bothered and didn't feel the need to see her body but my brother really struggled with it and felt it would've helped him process it better. It didn't feel real for him for a long time.

TimeforZeroes · 13/10/2022 20:37

*life, not lift.

Bluetrews25 · 13/10/2022 20:39

I didn't want to see the 'important to me' relatives as I wanted a living image at the front of my mind.
I unintentionally saw two 'less important' relatives, it gave me nothing as I did not need any closure, but I did struggle with an image of dead FIL (who I didn't like) printed in my head. Would have preferred not to see him.

tillytoodles1 · 13/10/2022 20:42

I was with mum and my husband when they died so I said my goodbyes then. My dad had a heart attack on holiday so I saw him him at the funeral home. It's entirely up to you.x

Curlygirl06 · 13/10/2022 20:45

I didn't go and see my mum, although my siblings did. I told my sister that she would find it upsetting and perhaps she shouldn't go. She went anyway and as I thought was very upset, saying mum didn't look like mum, they'd done her hair wrong, various other things. I wanted a memory of my mum as I'd last seen her, I didn't want my sister to describe what she looked like as I'd then have a mental image of her looking not right. She didn't listen then (again!)and told me what she looked like, but to be fair she was very upset. My brother went several times and found it comforting. Each to their own.

PumpkinPie2016 · 13/10/2022 20:45

I went to see my Nana when she died two years ago. We were very close and although her death was expected, I was still devastated.

I was with her when she died and in her final days. She died peacefully which I am eternally grateful for but I still found it traumatic.

Going to see her in the undertakers Chapel, in the clothes I had chosen for her allowed me to have time in a peaceful setting and see her looking at peace.

All that having been said, it is an incredibly personal decision and there is no right or wrong option. If someone chooses not to see a body, it doesn't mean that they loved the deceased any less.

OkPedro · 13/10/2022 20:45

It is of course a personal choice. If someone had asked me to not see them after they'd died I'd of course respect their wishes.

I'm Irish too and it was the norm as young children to go to all family funerals. My Dad had a huge family. I think I must have been at 10 funerals before I was 10!

When my Nana died I was 14 and seeing her body in the chapel of rest really affected me. She was wearing bright red lipstick, something she never wore.. my poor Mam was so upset.

My best friend died when she was 26. Sudden and awful. Left behind a 3 year old son. Her mother decided to not have her body laid out at home. Instead she stayed in the chapel of rest. The staff were amazing there. They allowed us to stay with my friend from morning till night. I got huge comfort from that time spent with her before the funeral

💜💜💜

RuthW · 13/10/2022 20:47

I saw my grandfather. After that I said I would never go and see anyone again. It wasn't him.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 13/10/2022 20:50

I've not been in the position where it was advisable.

For my grandmother, I have mixed feelings. But she died in the January and for various reasons it was nearly a month until the funeral. We were advised not to see her, the funeral director had actually worked with my DGM decades previously when they'd both been nurses, and told us stories from back then.

The other time I was relieved as I didn't want to see him but would have gone to support my mum. My cousin died in a motorcycle accident, and it was almost a year to the day of his mother, my aunt, dying which I think contributed to my DM being determined to see him. I said I'd go with her as I really felt she'd need people with her. Thankfully we were strongly advised against it - I think my other aunt may have seen him and said don't go.

Those were the only deaths where it's been something that's been discussed with me as a possibility.

slowquickstep · 13/10/2022 20:52

I have been there holding hands when loved ones have died and that is how it should be but i have never wanted my last sight of them to be of them in a wooden box. Everyone needs to do things their way.

Sally99 · 13/10/2022 20:53

I saw my mum when she'd died in the care home and I found the sight of her face horrific and felt very traumatised afterwards. I couldn't possibly have seen her a second time. It's a sight I'll never forget

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 13/10/2022 20:53

My mother said she didn't want people looking at her after she was dead - nothing to do with it traumatising us, she just didn't want it. She then said that my brother and I could if we really wanted to, but nobody else (I think she was thinking of my SIL). As it was she died at the beginning of the pandemic so we didn't get the opportunity anyway and I was glad not to have to tell people not to go and see her.

You know, I think I might say the same thing to my sons - it's one thing if you are with someone when they die, but going to see them afterwards, unless it is a cultural thing, is completely different, I would rather they remembered me as I was.

MightyOaks · 13/10/2022 20:55

I couldn't go to view my Dad as I knew it would traumatise me and I'm glad I didn't go. My Mum, brother & Uncle did and wish they hadn't. My Mum also wishes she hadn't seen her mother.

Also, if you don't wish to view the body they don't then embalm them according to a funeral director I asked. Personally I'd take comfort in the fact that they're not embalmed. (Would also be cheaper too)