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Original poster

Butch women and public loos-not sure if correct place to post..

262 replies

Lesbianactually · 09/10/2022 18:57

My partner is very masculine in appearance and is mistaken for a man all the time. This isn't usually a problem to her as she's aware of (and happy with) what she looks like.

However public loos (including in bars/restaurants etc) are a different story. It limits where we can go out, always has to be somewhere she feels comfortable, and these are few. Where she lives it isn't a very nice area and if I visit her she refuses to go out unless we're not drinking alcohol and/or will be very quick. First world problem I know, but I'd love for her to be able to leave the house for longer on occasion or for us to be able to share a few drinks and have some quality time. She lives with others so we don't get it at home.

She's better than she used to be. A few years ago she made herself quite poorly by holding the urge for up to 6 or 7 hours, & nowadays she won't do this, but largely through avoidance rather than management. She still panics if we go out, quite often. We live near a 'gay village' and she's fine there but last time we went with some friends, they wanted to go to a bar outside of it and she became visibly distressed as we were drinking alcohol and this means she needs the loo more often.

I've tried to help. The crux of the issue is she hates being confronted, told she's in the wrong loo. She's noticed if we're in a not so nice area, people are less tolerant/open minded and when they have confronted her they're quite nasty about it. In nicer areas she's less uncomfortable. In my local pub (we live quite far from one another) she's fine, and she has been confronted in there but she just responded that she was a woman and was there with her girlfriend and she'd show her ID if she wasn't believed. She wasn't upset by this at all but she has also in other places, had some people grab her and try to drag her out, get quite aggressive with her etc.

I know this is an anxiety-induced situation and perhaps does not need specific advice other than for her to get help for anxiety but just wondered if anyone else has experienced anything like this, anything that's good to say to people if she finds herself in this situation, any ways I can help?

She has a disabled key, from the time she made herself ill with this, but it isn't always practical to use that and it would be better for her to be happier to use the female loos generally. It's causing her unhappiness in life and limiting what she does/where she goes.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Freespirit42 · 09/10/2022 21:34

CheezePleeze · 09/10/2022 21:31

I am going to try and dig a bit deeper about what actually causes her to be like this about this one issue-being mistaken for a man isn't it, as I've said it isn't ever an issue to her normally.

Yes, a group of 3 women all dragged her out of a loo once :( I saw it once, I was sitting in view of the loos, and obviously jumped up and got her to show her ID to them but she was very shaken. They didn't even apologise just went into the loo mocking the way she looked. She's told me that sort of thing has happened more than once before, too.

Have I missed something or is your answer not there, staring you in the face? Confused

Show quote history

Don’t bother these so called feminists don’t care crap they don’t see that your partner is going to get hurt in the process

CrossStichQueen · 09/10/2022 21:38

Don’t bother these so called feminists don’t care crap they don’t see that your partner is going to get hurt in the process

What process?

Are you honestly telling me women should never challenge any "male" in a female space such as a changingroom just incase there is that very rare time it's actually a female? So what you are saying is all males should be free to go in female spaces?

CovertImage · 09/10/2022 21:42

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Freespirit42 · 09/10/2022 21:42

CrossStichQueen · 09/10/2022 21:38

Don’t bother these so called feminists don’t care crap they don’t see that your partner is going to get hurt in the process

What process?

Are you honestly telling me women should never challenge any "male" in a female space such as a changingroom just incase there is that very rare time it's actually a female? So what you are saying is all males should be free to go in female spaces?

firstly trans women to me are not men I know kill me now and I ain’t challenging anyone if they go into a cubicle to pee and then go out and not actually harming anyone nope I don’t give a fuck. My feminism is inclusive now a man doesn’t need to dress as a women to rape you they won’t care about cubicles. It’s not your place to say to anyone you shouldn’t be in a toilet unless they are acting dodgy

Motnight · 09/10/2022 21:43

FreezingThyme · 09/10/2022 21:28

Name change fail? I've not name changed? Do you mean the woman I'm talking about? We are an women only group ( WI. )Trans women are allowed but she isn't trans.

Apologies.

Freespirit42 · 09/10/2022 21:43

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It’s I am a woman not trans not that would bother me I know you guys don’t like women like me with our opinions do you

Freespirit42 · 09/10/2022 21:46

Because if you guys challenge it’s women like this lady’s partner that gets accused and there are so many cases that cis women get accused it’s wrong

RosieBartley · 09/10/2022 21:46

This is one of the many many reasons that taking away female only spaces is going in the wrong direction. It’s making women wary and paranoid. I’ve never mistaken a butch woman for a trans man. Women are on edge about their spaces becoming unsafe and all kinds of women, including your poor partner, are suffering.

parietal · 09/10/2022 21:47

First, I can believe that people do mistake your partner for a man. I've had at least 2 encounters with strangers where I still don't know their sex. I spent 20 mins buying a mobile phone from a salesperson who could have been male or female.

can your partner say on walking in to the ladies 'this is the ladies isn't it?' in a loud clear voice. that establishes her voice and that she knows where she is.

CrossStichQueen · 09/10/2022 21:50

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Begoniasforever · 09/10/2022 21:54

I don’t understand op, when you see she needs, or even before, why don’t you just say I need the loo want to come with me.

Freespirit42 · 09/10/2022 21:56

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Circumferences · 09/10/2022 21:58

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Freespirit42 · 09/10/2022 21:58

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Since trans women have been using the loos for decades the figures of assault really haven’t changed by trans women not cis men and besides which I don’t think that being trans means they are all gonna rape women. Going back to the Op it’s folks like you that are harming women not trans actual cis women

Johnnysgirl · 09/10/2022 21:58

Boggling at "My feminism is inclusive".

Of men 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

MintyGreenDreams · 09/10/2022 21:58

My friends 17 year old sister was in the toilets at a shopping centre and a woman told her to get out because she was a boy.She replied look I've got tits it's called being a lesbian.YOU get out.The woman fucked off.

Freespirit42 · 09/10/2022 22:01

Johnnysgirl · 09/10/2022 21:58

Boggling at "My feminism is inclusive".

Of men 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Oh dear here comes the gender criticals with their original not thoughts but it is funny how your feminism likes to cancel people like Nicola sturgeon out though nope don’t like them women voices do we

Circumferences · 09/10/2022 22:03

MintyGreenDreams · 09/10/2022 21:58

My friends 17 year old sister was in the toilets at a shopping centre and a woman told her to get out because she was a boy.She replied look I've got tits it's called being a lesbian.YOU get out.The woman fucked off.

😂 now that is the correct attitude and I believe it too.

CrossStichQueen · 09/10/2022 22:04

Since trans women have been using the loos for decades the figures of assault really haven’t changed by trans women not cis men and besides which I don’t think that being trans means they are all gonna rape women. Going back to the Op it’s folks like you that are harming women not trans actual cis women

See I have been using public toilets for over 30 years without my mum and not once have I ever questioned a womans presence. For 20 years those toilets were in the gay clubs/pubs too and still I never questioned a woman. I have however questioned 2 men in that time and you may ask how I know they were men it was the fact their cock was on display that was the give away.

Funny how sometimes telling men from women is pretty easy!

Freespirit42 · 09/10/2022 22:06

CrossStichQueen · 09/10/2022 22:04

Since trans women have been using the loos for decades the figures of assault really haven’t changed by trans women not cis men and besides which I don’t think that being trans means they are all gonna rape women. Going back to the Op it’s folks like you that are harming women not trans actual cis women

See I have been using public toilets for over 30 years without my mum and not once have I ever questioned a womans presence. For 20 years those toilets were in the gay clubs/pubs too and still I never questioned a woman. I have however questioned 2 men in that time and you may ask how I know they were men it was the fact their cock was on display that was the give away.

Funny how sometimes telling men from women is pretty easy!

I would have done the same if they were being Pervy the point is for me sometimes you can’t tell and if they wint being weird or doing dodgy stuff that’s not my business as I don’t want a lady who is maybe butch to be stopped going to the loo.

CrossStichQueen · 09/10/2022 22:07

nope don’t like them women voices do we

I will question any woman who tells other women "men are dangerous to women but not the men who think they are women...they are not dangerous it's just the other men the ones who don't think they are women who are dangerous to women not the men who think they are women....anyway men are dangerous to women"
Yeah I question that shit

TheHoover · 09/10/2022 22:08

Jeeeesus this fucking thread wants to make me slash my wrists.
It’s ok to challenge women in public toilets even if you get it wrong a few times because of ‘the cause’?
OP I am so sorry to hear what is happening to your GF. The world has gone totally crazy.

hartof · 09/10/2022 22:09

My DD is almost 15, she has short hair and dresses like a male. She won't go to the loo with tonight a female relative with her, she often holds on too long to avoid going. I genuinely don't know what the answer is but I hate this.

Freespirit42 · 09/10/2022 22:09

TheHoover · 09/10/2022 22:08

Jeeeesus this fucking thread wants to make me slash my wrists.
It’s ok to challenge women in public toilets even if you get it wrong a few times because of ‘the cause’?
OP I am so sorry to hear what is happening to your GF. The world has gone totally crazy.

Agree

CrossStichQueen · 09/10/2022 22:10

I would have done the same if they were being Pervy

So if I see a male in the womens I am not allowed to challenge him until he commits a perverted act in front of me, my daughters, my mum?
Is that what you are saying?