Again not responding to trollhunters, but I am reporting posts as I think others are too- One has even implied that I have multiple accounts and/or am asking people to post on my behalf!
I am not trying to get into an argument about the damage the trans movement does, I’ve made my views clear on that I think but I created this thread for one reason only, I was hoping to get some support for a personal issue of my partners (and mine by default).
She’s less bothered about being questioned when it is done without animosity. I think the issue is the things that have happened in the past when she’s been addressed and confronted aggressively.
There was a recent ‘Tiktok’ trend where short haired, masculine dressing lesbians were making videos showing that they’d show their bra strap or bra, or emphasise their breasts with their hands, each time they were questioned in a female facility.
I am sorry that’s happened to people who’ve been through what you have, @marmiteloversunite . I hope it doesn’t happen to you, and that you’re well.
Many masculine lesbians I know don’t emphasise their breasts, a lot wear sports bras and baggier clothes, including my partner. I guess if breasts were more obvious people would question less, but that’s not part of who many of them are.
@FreezingThyme , I didn’t like that either ☹
@aurynne he isn’t bothered, as I’ve repeatedly said, and said in the OP, by being mistaken for a male. It’s this one issue, in loos. That’s the end of the anxiety about it. She’s even been picked out in certain situations where a male was needed and went along with it. A tradesperson delivering me a large item of furniture pointed at her (just me and my Mum present otherwise) as she came out of the door with a ‘I am SO glad to see him!’ didn’t bother her at all. She’d never, ever dress more feminine, it isn’t who she is and she’d feel as uncomfortable as I would had I to cut my hair, grow a beard and wear a man’s suit to go to a wedding. It just wouldn’t happen. I also think she’d look quite ridiculous in an obviously woman’s jacket.
@Diverseopinions , thank you. I really thought I’d made it clear in the OP, what I wanted from the thread and it wasn’t a political debate. I realise I may have been short sighted to not forsee one would happen however ☹
And thank you for the helpful post. You’re right, the anticipation of such reactions is seeming to be the cause of her anxiety. The getting staff on board in smaller places is a good idea. I do go with her when I can if I can, obviously not practical if we’re sitting just us in a restaurant for example, or at an event where we need to watch our seats/bags or such.
I honestly don’t think my partner would look female even with long hair! Not that she’d ever grow her hair. It’s cut in a typical male short back and sides style.
And to your other post, yes, it seems a lot of posters aren’t considering the awkwardness of such an encounter. I am talking to her regularly about it now, what makes her feel it more in some places than others, and how we can address that as a couple and as individuals.
@Mummyoflittledragon definitely agree there. Although sometimes the reactions are seeming to be genuine, women thinking a man has got the wrong loo by accident, I don’t think those have ever been accompanied by anger or animosity toward her, and haven't’ caused upset. She still is anxious when they happen but I am really trying to help her work through that.
@Disydoll12 you’re right and those factors anger me as much as they do you, but I think thatisnotyours has a point to make in general about the way mumsnet (and other forums I suspect) are. If something is outside of the realm of some poster’s lives, their instant reaction is to think It’s a made up scenario and the poster is lying. And I am proof that this isn’t always the case, and have also stuck up for other posters on other threads when they’ve been met with it, if a similar thing has happened to me.
@Notarealmum yes, I’ve been trying to get that point across. Transwomen usually present as female. My partner doesn’t.
@antelopevalley I agree, and It’s sad. We should embrace the diversity we have as females, and we should be able to continue to do that without this sort of thing, without changing ourselves.
@BingoLingFucker thank you. I have responded to that post but your response makes more sense. My partner would feel absolutely ridiculous was she forced to wear more feminine clothing. It would create a whole new source of anxiety. Keep being you 😊
@JohnsShirt I also thanked the homophobic, racist bloke who put my bin out when I forgot, some weeks ago. It doesn’t mean I agree with all he says and thinks. I thanked the poster for a specific thing. I think I’ve made it clear what I personally agree with and do not but this is not the purpose of the thread.
@Surplus2requirements it made me feel awful. And very sad. I’ve not said anything on this thread that isn’t the truth.
@MenopausalMe that’s true, I was hoping to perhaps hear from others who’d had experiences similar, before the thread turned into a bunfight-but a lot of it has been helpful and I am very grateful for that. 😊
Again, I believe I thanked her for a specific thing she’d said toward my OP, not the whole of her argument (which I do not want to get into, I started this thread about a different subject entirely, and a personal one, not a political one).
It is interesting that, actually. I think people just tend to be more polite? ‘rougher’ areas/establishments where aggressive behaviour is more the norm, seem to worry her a lot more.
@ChagSameachDoreen I am sorry it happened to you, but thank you for affirming me that it does happen. I am sure that would happen for her too, but getting over the anxiety of the anticipation of it happening is the thing. Same to
@LastnightIdreamtofsomebagels thank you. And I agree it isn’t the end of the world, I said such in my OP. But there are plenty of things published on MN every day that aren’t the end of the world, some very trivial. It’s a discussion forum. I am trying to help her with the anxiety, and some of the responses have been helpful and I am grateful for the understanding posters and the empathy.
@SarahAndQuack thank you, and thank you for apologising for something that’s really not your fault do you work in customer service 
. It’s a known issue, I mentioned the ‘Tiktok’ trend surrounding it not long ago. Women sharing how they’d show their bra strap or bra, push their breasts up etc or simply tell people they possessed a vagina! My DP is a bit too anxious to do that unfortunately. I am hoping this can change.
The ONLY thing I’ll say regarding the trans debate is, I will discuss this on the feminist boards and have done before when it comes up- I don’t feel this thread is the right place, it wasn’t its intention but obviously other people are free to
discuss what they wish. I don’t like mixed-gender loos either and avoid them wherever possible. I voted against them at my old work. I was in a restaurant not so long ago that now do this and I will not go again. Transwomen tend to present as women, they do not tend to look like my partner does (as also stated by several other contributors to this thread).
Another encounter my partner had was when she told someone I know who hadn’t met her before that she was in fact, female, had them ask if she was transitioning (ie a transman)! Although this didn’t spark her anxiety, I personally found it quite offensive.
Women should be able to not look conventional, to not wear pink, to not dress in frocks and to wear their hair short, without it being an issue for others.
I am glad to see the trollhunting posts are mostly gone deleted now.