Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DD1 has just moved back into the family home and is causing chaos

235 replies

drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:15

DD1 (21) graduated in June. she had a job in her university town which means she has only recently returned home.
She came home about three weeks ago. I left a few days later for six weeks and am now in Spain.
That left DD1, DD2 (17) and DH.
DD1 then came out to stay with me for ten days as a way to reconnect after three years away.
She's incredibly independent, opinionated and selfish. TBH I was, sadly, relieved when she went back home.
Since then I've had DD2 constantly messaging me about her, often in tears about what her sister has said to her.
DH, for all his tough talk when DD1 not there, just gets sucked into her side every bloody time.
It's got to the point that I cannot have a private conversation with him without DD1 being present.
This evening o have resorted to asking DD2 to write him a note to put on his pillow asking him to phone me from work tomorrow to discuss things.
I just don't know what to do and am dreading going home in a few weeks if it's still a war zone at home.
Honestly DD1 manipulates him so much that he can't see that DD2 is really struggling.
We all had a talk a few weeks ago about how it will be a big adjustment for us all living together again, and acknowledged that it would be tough on all of us especially DD1, who really doesn't want to be living back at home in an ideal world.
I'm feeling a mixture of frustration at all of them not being able to communicate and relief I'm not there!

OP posts:
BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 02/10/2022 19:21

What do you mean you can't have a conversation with him without her present?Can't he take the phone to your bedroom, or go for a walk? Does she follow him round and insist on being on the phone call too?
Why couldn't you text, rather than getting DD2 to leave a note?

ResplendentQuetzal · 02/10/2022 19:24

Why are you away for so long?

Hugocat1 · 02/10/2022 19:29

Ha! You r just described my dd1, who is now 27.

Its really fucking hard and I know that feeling of relief. They are grown women who are capable of so much yet revert back in to children when back in the family home.

Dd1 is moving home just after xmas from abroad and will be with us till she gets sorted. I’m dreading it.

I’m going have have to lay out some house rules and expectations on how she treats her middle sister who is a lot younger than her and can tip in to bullying 😳

For the grace of god she has a boyfriend who’s parents ADORE her and she will spend ( hoping and praying) considerable time there 🙈

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:29

If I send him a message she's always around and will likely see it before he does. He rarely has his phone near him.
To answer the other question I'm away because of family matters. It's not unusual for me to be away for so long but recently it's just been DD2 and DH at home and they run along nicely.

OP posts:
Felicity42 · 02/10/2022 19:30

"This evening o have resorted to asking DD2 to write him a note to put on his pillow asking him to phone me from work tomorrow to discuss things."
Why is DD2 being used as a communication vehicle between you two?
Can you not just ring him yourself tomorrow?
Or text him asking to ring you.

Original poster
drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:31

I can't ring him tomorrow because he'll be at work so it'll have to be at his convenience when time permits

OP posts:
AccountDeactivated · 02/10/2022 19:34

Your eldest daughter bullies your younger one, and your husband backs up the bullying? Are you serious?

Original poster
drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:34

Hugocat1 I really appreciate your post. Makes me feel less alone!

I love her dearly but don't know how to live with her anymore.

I'm sure she feels the same 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:36

Re the bullying, yes he does.
I think he's kind of fearful of DD1 reaction if he confronts her.
She'll also tell him her side of a story which leaves him doubting DD2.

OP posts:
AccountDeactivated · 02/10/2022 19:37

…has anyone corrected her and not allowed her to bully the younger child? Suggested to her if she won’t stop her behaviour choices she will seek alternative accommodation?

Original poster
drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:37

And usually I'd be there to balance it out a bit, usually taking one for the team and becoming the person that puts my head above the parapet to say enough is enough

OP posts:
AccountDeactivated · 02/10/2022 19:39

Yikes. Is your younger daughter having therapy yet? If not, why not? Does anyone prioritise her? Your husband is awful, encouraging bullying, does he not repulse you?

Original poster
drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:39

TBH I think we're all a bit fearful of DD1. She's had awful MH issues in the past involving self harm and I think that's made us terrified of her reactions (for both her and us)

OP posts:
Original poster
drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:41

I absolutely prioritise my younger daughter. TBH I've always tried to prioritise both.
They are very different characters by nature.

OP posts:
Aconitum · 02/10/2022 19:41

Ah yes the old MH excuse for appalling behaviour.

HardLanding · 02/10/2022 19:41

Won’t be long till DD2 is the same I’m afraid OP, only this time it’ll be due to DD1 and her parents refusal to protect her from an overbearing bully.

The dynamics in your home are fucked.

Quitelikeit · 02/10/2022 19:42

Nightmare!!

what type of role is she looking for? There are jobs with live in positions

usually quite remote or maybe work for Butlins or similar

likely she will know you guys are afraid of her

can you give an example of behaviour towards your youngest?

FivePotatoesHigh · 02/10/2022 19:42

Well for starters your husband needs to start locking his phone

bringmelaughter · 02/10/2022 19:47

drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:29

If I send him a message she's always around and will likely see it before he does. He rarely has his phone near him.
To answer the other question I'm away because of family matters. It's not unusual for me to be away for so long but recently it's just been DD2 and DH at home and they run along nicely.

This jumped out at me. How will she see the message before your husband? Phone should be locked and she should be aware that accessing her parents (and anyone else’s) messages is totally not ok and not normal behaviour.

She needs boundaries.

Original poster
drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:51

An example from yesterday is DH had to go into work so was just the two of them at home.

Messages from DD2 started about midday. Her sister 'told' her we were getting a certain type of dog. She told her that DH & I had agreed.
The story behind this is that when she was here in Spain we spent time with a particular dog and had a 'if we were to get a dog again we'd go for this breed'.
DD2 reacted badly and hostile because she had no idea about this conversation.
DD1 proceeded to tell her sister that we'd also have to get rid of one of our cats because she's developed an allergy to him (we have two cats and thjs particular one is DD2 favourite).
It all escalated to each of them telling the other they should move out.
Sounds quite petty as I type it but DD2 got really upset. DD1 knows her sister is more emotive than she is so I think she knew it would lead to distress for DD2

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/10/2022 19:51

What sort of fucking wet blanket is your husband that he can’t put a lock on his phone and leave the house to talk to his wife ?

I think you have a husband problem and have all along

Now both your daughters are casualties of it

Original poster
drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:52

As to the phone, of course it is locked but if she's near the phone when I message it appears on the screen

OP posts:
Liz1tummypain · 02/10/2022 19:52

A 21 year-old is an adult, so I don't understand why nobody has told that one to behave decently with her sister. She is too old for this kind of behaviour and I would have to say something to her about it.

Readinginthesun · 02/10/2022 19:55

Obviously I don’t know how important these family matters are that require you to be away from home for a lengthy period but if one of my DC was as miserable as your DD2 is , I would go home .
Clearly your DH should deal with it but he sounds pathetic.

bringmelaughter · 02/10/2022 19:57

drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:52

As to the phone, of course it is locked but if she's near the phone when I message it appears on the screen

But reading a message on someone else’s phone is not ok. The way she’s speaking to her sister is not ok. Has someone told her it’s not ok and been clear that there are expectations if she lives at home?