DD1 has just moved back into the family home and is causing chaos

[drivinmecrazy]

DD1 (21) graduated in June. she had a job in her university town which means she has only recently returned home.
She came home about three weeks ago. I left a few days later for six weeks and am now in Spain.
That left DD1, DD2 (17) and DH.
DD1 then came out to stay with me for ten days as a way to reconnect after three years away.
She's incredibly independent, opinionated and selfish. TBH I was, sadly, relieved when she went back home.
Since then I've had DD2 constantly messaging me about her, often in tears about what her sister has said to her.
DH, for all his tough talk when DD1 not there, just gets sucked into her side every bloody time.
It's got to the point that I cannot have a private conversation with him without DD1 being present.
This evening o have resorted to asking DD2 to write him a note to put on his pillow asking him to phone me from work tomorrow to discuss things.
I just don't know what to do and am dreading going home in a few weeks if it's still a war zone at home.
Honestly DD1 manipulates him so much that he can't see that DD2 is really struggling.
We all had a talk a few weeks ago about how it will be a big adjustment for us all living together again, and acknowledged that it would be tough on all of us especially DD1, who really doesn't want to be living back at home in an ideal world.
I'm feeling a mixture of frustration at all of them not being able to communicate and relief I'm not there!

drivinmecrazy · 02/10/2022 19:29
If I send him a message she's always around and will likely see it before he does. He rarely has his phone near him.

To answer the other question I'm away because of family matters. It's not unusual for me to be away for so long but recently it's just been DD2 and DH at home and they run along nicely.“

your daughter reads your husbands messages? Good grief, my husband of 33 years doesn’t read mine.
sit her down, set out the rules in your home. If she doesn’t comply, she finds alternative accommodation.

The current understanding of Autism is that it’s possible to have some traits and not others - understanding social dynamics is just one slice of the pie chart of symptoms a person may or may not have… I have known a formally diagnosed autistic person who can be manipulative to meet own ends as necessary, including lying in sophisticated ways.

One thing that's come out of it is that both DDs want their relationship to get back to the closeness they shared in the past

They used to be really close, them against the world and we'd love them to get some of that back

the thing is - they were younger, they were different people then. DD1 would have younger DD looking up to her, doing as she was told etc.
there is a big difference between a 9 year old and a 13 year old, but as they grow older, age is no longer relevant and they become equals.

everything you have said about DD1 shows that she is very controlling and manipulative. She wants the whole household to dance to her tune.

Do you honestly believe she is going to change and to start respecting DD2 as an equal?

As the younger child my sister was exactly like this. I moved out at 18 and barely had contact with either my mother or my sister. I now live 4 hours away and still barely have contact with mu sister and have just recently gone no contact with my mother.
Trust me DD2 WILL resent you all for all of this, she WILL develop self harm, suicidal ideation and/or eating disorders so that she has a way of control and she WILL develop significant anxiety and depression.
You need to put a stop to DD1 as soon as possible. Personally she would be given 2 options, abide to rules - that BOTH you and DH need to enforce - or she moves out! Put it in writing and have her and both of you sign it. Have DD2 take part in defining these rules. Make sure the caveat of enforced eviction is there is plain English and have a non family member there to witness and also sign and date this document. Have 5 copies drawn up, one for each of you and one for the witness.
Please, please, I beg of you, give DD2 her safe space back because you are allowing permanent damage to her and her mental health right now!

@pollymere she definitely will not be under CAMHS at 21. Adult services kick in at 18 in some areas, 19 in others.

I often think the trouble is that these kids come back from Uni with quite a stuck up, arrogant and supercilious attitude.
I’ve seen it in my own kids and also my nieces.
She sounds like a madam to me that needs bringing down a peg or two.
Just the same as when kids are little, you and your husband must be united in your approach. Agree what the ground rules are in your house, and then set them out with her. Do it in a zoom call or something as a family so it’s a consistent message for everyone to hear.
Important she re-learns respect for other people, their domain and their right to a peaceful home life.
important she also realises that she isn’t privy to everything and that others should be afforded some privacy….

Er……you can’t develop an allergy to one cat. Not being funny….but your eldest daughter sounds like a bunny boiler….I would be seriously worried about my youngest daughter with what sounds like a mentally unstable older sister.

Try to nip it in the bud now as will just get harder especially when daughters are older and have their own families. I speak from experience, DH is easy going younger sibling always had to go along with a stronger older sibling who was allowed to get away with things due to health issues and father not being involved. Now at mid-forties we still are ignored for what older sibling wants, despite us having 3 DC and him none and has made relationship with in-laws very strained.

Apologies, I haven’t had time to read the full thread only your replies but perhaps a short term solution if DD1 is not working is for her to join you in Spain. Spend some time with her elderly Grandmother and you. It would also give her a more adult perspective on what are juggling and what she and DD2 may have to do in the future.

Your child leaving uni and returning home to live is a difficult situation. Thankfully both of mine found employment by uni’s and never returned home full time.
They do come home for holidays which is lovely we get on well, but DH and I are ready at the end of that time for them to return home.
I really couldn’t imagine living full time with either of them again, they are independent successful adults who need independence and not have to follow set rules like a parent would set. I imagine DD1 feels a similar way however this does not excuse her behaviour to DD2. Your DH needs to “man up” and take charge, the household trickled over nicely without DD1 being at home and now needs to continue so. He needs to have a frank and direct conversation with DD1 letting her know that poor behaviour will not be tolerated.