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Original poster

How do you cope when your adult child does something unforgivable?

235 replies

Devastated63 · 16/09/2022 19:32

As you can guess from my changed username, this is my situation. It’s a criminal act, and if it wasn’t my child I would never speak to them again. I will never forgive, it’s likely to blight many lives, but they are still my child. I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
PolkaDotMankini · 16/09/2022 19:34

I'm so sorry OP. I don't know what I'd do TBH. I'd certainly make sure they knew that I thought what they'd done was despicable.

MistressIggi · 16/09/2022 19:34

It's unconditional love I suppose? You can still love someone and not like them. You can forgive someone but not condone their actions.
It sounds very hard.

obsessedwithsleep · 16/09/2022 19:35

Are they remorseful?

LizzieSiddal · 16/09/2022 19:37

I’m so sorry you are going through this this, it must be so very difficult. To be honest I’m not sure what I would do, and it may depend on what it was they had done.
I think you have to do what deep inside you want to do.Flowers

Azandme · 16/09/2022 19:38

Honestly? I'd work this through with a counsellor.

There'll be upset, anger, shame, guilt, and grief for who you thought they were. You need support with that. I'm sorry you're going through this.

downwiththebees · 16/09/2022 19:39

You can still love the person, even if you don't love the behaviour. The world is not divided into good people and bad people. I believe that everyone is capable of doing terrible things given the right circumstances. As for forgiveness; Forgiveness is much more for you and your peace and happiness than it is the person you are forgiving.

Saddm · 16/09/2022 19:40

Sadly I have been there op. The crime didn't allow for any sort of relationship between us.
I had to choose 1 dc over another...
A dm's worst nightmare

ParkheadParadise · 16/09/2022 19:42

I've been in that position sadly.
I was devastated the first couple of times then I became immune to it.
I was angry BUT I never turned my back on her.

I really feel for you @Devastated63
It's a horrendous position to be in.

Saddm · 16/09/2022 19:42

I should also add of course I still love that dc. They will never know I do. No contact for over a decade now.

waterlego · 16/09/2022 19:42

I have often wondered how I would cope in this situation, and have realised I couldn’t possibly know unless it happened. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would think counselling/therapy could be vitally important, especially if you can find a practitioner with experience in this field (though I appreciate that may not be an easy task). Thinking of you and hoping you find ways to cope with this devastating situation. 💐

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 16/09/2022 19:43

If it were my child, I think so much would depend on what they had done, why they had done it, and whether they were remorseful. And not remorseful because they’d got caught and were feeling sorry for themselves but genuine heartfelt remorse.

Icedlatteplease · 16/09/2022 19:43

Love the person not the behaviour. Sometimes as a parent that really isn't a choice

Change12345 · 16/09/2022 19:44

So sorry for you OP. It would really depend on the crime, the circumstances and whether there was intent and remorse.
even with all that I don’t think any of us would truely know until we were in that situation.

Saddm · 16/09/2022 19:44

Sorry misread. My dc was a minor at the time.. Adult now but still nc.

Random789 · 16/09/2022 19:46

Have you read We Need to Talk About Kevin? Perhaps it would help. I agree with downwiththebees' remark that the world is not divided into good and bad people. There is scope for continuing love, there always is. But there is also so much complexity and confusion. Whatever your way forward, you are entitled to it. I wish you all the best, OP.

Whisperedew · 16/09/2022 19:47

Been there OP. Not a child but a sibling. You just have to love them from a distance.

Babyroobs · 16/09/2022 19:48

I think it would depend what it is. I could forgive most things.

generalh · 16/09/2022 19:51

Devastated63 · 16/09/2022 19:32

As you can guess from my changed username, this is my situation. It’s a criminal act, and if it wasn’t my child I would never speak to them again. I will never forgive, it’s likely to blight many lives, but they are still my child. I just don’t know what to do.

You keep going forward. Our family will never be the same again and it has broken my heart.
The worry and the shame will always be there for me and mine. The relationship only exists be use the family moment has learning disabilities and would not be able to cope without our input. The person cannot and will never live with us again.

Asterales · 16/09/2022 19:52

I think (admittedly never having been in this situation) that you might have to separate the person they have shown themselves to be from the relationship you have with them as a mother. It sounds like a very, very difficult time for you, but the maternal bond is not one that can be easily severed and you shouldn't feel any guilt or internal conflict for continuing to love your child, irrespective of the choices they've made. A mother's bond with her child is unquestionable, and if you continue to love and support them despite what they've done then don't let anything make you feel that you're wrong to do that. Love doesn't equal acquiescence. You can still be a mother without condoning their actions.

Happylittlethoughts · 16/09/2022 19:55

I don't know for sure what I'd do... its all very context related. However there are some things I would not stand my child for. I think the relationship would be over. For me there are some things I could not say that I could,separate as awful behaviour, but I still love them. The relationship would end .. who can say how vomplex my feelings would be.

Crikeyalmighty · 16/09/2022 19:55

I'm so sorry OP- I've got 3 boys 40, 37 and 24 and I've not been in this position but my 24 year old at times has been enough to try the patience of a saint. He has ADHD but is also very clever and hard working, just a bit flakey!! I know I would find it absolutely devastating - you must do what feels right to you

hattie43 · 16/09/2022 20:01

I'm not sure , I think it very much depends what the crime is and whether it's been a repetitive act . Horrible situation though

Dillydollydingdong · 16/09/2022 20:12

I'm in the same situation OP. It's not my place to forgive or otherwise, because I'm not the one affected. But I'll always love and stand by my boy, because he's my child even if he's adult and old enough to know better

whatwasIgoingtosay · 16/09/2022 20:19

I don't know whether your child is being sent to prison for this crime, but if so you will doubtless be able to visit regularly and take in clothes and books, etc. Your relationship will play out in a formal, semi-public kind of way, under the eye of prison staff and meetings will be short and the topics of conversation will almost certainly be about conditions in the prison and your child's immediate needs. Perhaps this kind of almost ritualistic relationship will be helpful to you, as your every move will be dictated by the parameters of prison rules and there will be little room to worry about what to say and how to act. I wish you well Flowers

WonderingWanda · 16/09/2022 20:22

I have no idea but I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are in this position. As others have said I think it would depend on the crime, the circumstances and level of remorse.

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