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How do you cope when your adult child does something unforgivable?

235 replies

Devastated63 · 16/09/2022 19:32

As you can guess from my changed username, this is my situation. It’s a criminal act, and if it wasn’t my child I would never speak to them again. I will never forgive, it’s likely to blight many lives, but they are still my child. I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
PemberleyMoon · 17/09/2022 08:06

Nope, my love is conditional. Him sitting in court for sex crimes - goodbye.

MistressIggi · 17/09/2022 08:09

PemberleyMoon · 17/09/2022 08:06

Nope, my love is conditional. Him sitting in court for sex crimes - goodbye.

My love for my dh or a friend is conditional. I'm surprised to hear a mother say their love for their child is conditional (loving them doesn't mean lying for them to the police, or letting them live with you, or even seeing them - but you could still love them in your heart).

Andromachehadabadday · 17/09/2022 08:09

My love for my kids is unconditional.

If they committed an awful crime (sex crime or crime against a child) I would still love them. That wouldn’t change.

But that doesn’t mean I would still be part of their lives. Sometimes you can love people, but also not be involved in their lives.

Cutting someone off doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Staying in someone’s life doesn’t mean you love them more than others

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/09/2022 08:10

Anything involving children; no
anything involving rape or sexual abuse, no
murder-unless accidental no
anything else would depend on circs

shrunkenhead · 17/09/2022 08:11

As others have said it really does depend on crime. Rape and child abuse -unforgivable. Murder in self defence I could possibly understand and move o n

Oblomov22 · 17/09/2022 08:24

It's so hard. Both my boys did something years ago that I've found very hard to reconcile. Even with counselling it's hard. Forgiving is one thing, forgetting is harder still.

Cheeseandcrackers86 · 17/09/2022 08:24

I'm the 'other child' in a similar mess OP. I totally understand that the criminal is your child and you'll always love them. You can have whatever contact you want with them but the best advice I can give is please don't let this be at the expense of any law-abiding siblings ... They will resent it big time and they don't deserve for their relationship with you to be tarnished because their sibling is behaving antisocially. I hope things get better for you

wholesomen · 17/09/2022 08:25

If you decide to go to court, you need to ensure that it doesn't further injure the victim. I've no idea what sort of crime we're talking about here or indeed whether he has plead guilty. I think a statement (strongly worded as a family statement apologising to the victim) would mean a lot to them - it might not. That doesn't mean you have to cut your son off entirely. Presumably, if it's an unforgiveable offence in your view, he will go to prison.

I think that something ongoing, with life-changing effects on the victim(s) would be harder to deal with.

5KIngsADancing · 17/09/2022 08:26

OP- this all sounds very new and fresh. You will have the most dreadful grief. I would think it is too soon to make any decisions about forgiving or how you will cope. You just need to survive for now.

Thanks so so sorry.

Brideandpredjudice · 17/09/2022 08:28

It would depend on a lot of factors for me

SuperCamp · 17/09/2022 08:29

OP, my heart goes out to you.

For the many saying. “It depends on what you yourself find forgivable” and similar, I don’t like this approach. Firstly it seems to see some sort of standard to which you ‘should’ aspire to and is ultimately judgemental of you yourself, and secondly your love as a mother may well be unconditional and as others have said, you can still love someone, or feel compassion irrespective of whether you have forgiven them or how abhorrent you find the crime.

I have no idea how I would actually feel, and neither can anyone else here who hasn’t experienced it.

But I do believe that there is no guilt or shame, no ‘shoulds or oughts’ in anything that you DO feel. You would not be wrong to continue to feel love, you would not be wrong to find that love gone from you.

You must be reeling.

I hope some of the suggestions for support on this thread are helpful.

I think I would find it useful to have a small safe group of people who were in or had been put in the same situation.

Lovemusic33 · 17/09/2022 08:45

I think everyone here is assuming the crime is a sex crime or involves children? And I do agree that it depends on the crime, I think I would find it hard to cut contact with my dc unless it was something as serious as a sex crime involving a child.

I think I would want to hear my DC’s side of the story, I would want to know if there was any remorse for what they did. One of my SS’s did go to prison, I did hear his side of the story and he did show remorse for the crime but it wasn’t a crime that involved harming anyone (other than the harm it caused to his family).

I love my dc dearly and always will what ever mistakes they made but that doesn’t mean I have to like them or there life choices.

I am sorry you are going through this OP, I can imagine how hard it must be and how you are worried about the implications of his crime on you and your work, I really feel for anyone in this situation.

hatgirl · 17/09/2022 08:46

Through my line of work I regularly come into contact with the parents of sex offenders. Usually they are single women in their 60s-80s but every now and then they are men and even more rarely couples.

I'm usually there because the parent has become isolated as a result of allowing their male child, the offender, to live with them because nowhere and no one else will accommodate them after their prison service has been served.

Usually other family members will have disowned both when the mother chooses to 'take in' the male offender rather than maintain the relationship with other children. Often there is no choice about this if there are grandchildren involved and contact between them and the offender is prohibited, other family members will have received visits from children's services and had it made clear to them there must be no contact.

Often there is also some type of abuse occurring by their son, most often financial and verbal abuses but sometimes assaults as well. Most report that their son 'never used to be like this' and 'it's not their fault they can't get a job/ are depressed etc'.

The women nearly all say the same thing, that they love their son, they can't see them out on the streets no matter what their son does to them and what financial and social hardship they have to live in as a result.

Its horrible to witness and the justice system enables the abuse of these women as it's 'easier' than trying to reintegrate their sons elsewhere and is often a protective factor in reducing the risk from their son to others.

We don't get the opportunity to work with these women until it's usually too late and they are too far down the rabbit hole and can see no way back.

It's absolutely natural to continue to want to protect your offspring no matter what they have done, but if that's what you choose to do choose to do it from afar and with very clear boundaries in place around their access to your home.

Susie45344 · 17/09/2022 08:49

I have only read your posts OP, I have thought about this, because I have a relative that did something that he was convicted of (theft), and was banished from the family. But as I grew up I realised that his real crime was bringing shame on the family. And that was not forgiven. I personally felt disgusted by that. At the same time there was another member of the family who regularly beat his wife up (This became common knowledge through hospitals visits, many visible bruises and disclosures by his wife.) This was covered up and contained and treated as separate to the family. I don't think you should disclose what your son has done, but I think you should work out the true motivations of your reaction. Is it shameful because of what he has done? or is it shameful because of how it could have affected you?

As for forgiveness? There is nothing my DC could do that would make me walk away from them. It wouldn't be easy, but it is the one thing I am sure of, I would rather be judged from society than walk away, and I always understand mothers who stay by the DCs side.

knittingaddict · 17/09/2022 08:52

Devastated63 · 17/09/2022 07:11

What? I’m at a loss to know what we have done? We weren’t there because he didn’t tell us.

You haven't done anything as far as we can tell. That poster was being an arse and attention seeking, so best ignored.

stairgates · 17/09/2022 08:55

How adult is adult? 18 or 45. If they closer to 18 then you will tend to forgive them more as they are still your child but 45 wash your hands with them. Even at 18 though they still no right from wrong so dont be drawn in to any tale they try to spin you. The judge will tell you how it is.

Minimalme · 17/09/2022 08:59

You desperately need a counsellor op so you can express the myriad ways you must feel right now. And the grief for what you had.

When we loose something irreplaceable it is possible to move towards healing - maybe never fully - but that will be your aim now.

I cut my parents off for their childhood abuse of me and my three siblings. Two siblings staying in contact, both cited they were taking the moral high ground and were able to forgive.

In the end it didn't come down to forgiveness for me because my parents aren't sorry for their actions. I discovered I didn't love them during years of therapy.

I probably never loved them (although I truly believed I did for many years).

Unconditional love between parent and child is viewing as an absolute given in society. However, I believe that type of love is earn't and not given.

I wouldn't think in terms of loving/not loving/forgiving/not forgiving. Right now you just need to get through the day.

stairgates · 17/09/2022 09:01

@hatgirl Very much this. I have a horrid feeling that this scenario will be occurring locally to me soon and I will be keeping my children in or looking for a miracle move elsewhere.

CoastalWave · 17/09/2022 09:17

Same as others - depends on the crime.

There for the grace of god I would also say. My biggest fear is for my children becoming adults in this world with social media and all that entails. A few years back I was lonely and depressed, and got into watching porn every night (not against it as such but really not my bag and I've not done it since) - it quickly turned into watching more and more things that I would never do and never condone (still legal I might add but really not nice and probably only a few clicks away from potential not legal).

I literally had to snap myself out of it. It frightens me to think that a young adult could be drawn into that type of world and delve deeper and deeper. It's like an addiction. Deeper and deeper could go to places no one should ever go and see things and be exposing to things no one should ever see/be exposed to.

Before the internet NORMAL people would never have known that world existed and would not have gone searching for it. Downloading images that are technically 'legal' to downloading shit that is completely beyond legal - I actually don't think there's too much of a length between them.

That's my take. The internet has a lot to blame for all of the awful awful things that happen in the world now.

notanothertakeaway · 17/09/2022 09:29

"Families Outside" support the families of prisoners

CourtneeLuv · 17/09/2022 09:34

It depends what they did.

Any form of child abuse or rape, they'd be out the door never to be seen again. Same for attacking elderly or animals.

Flutterbybudget · 17/09/2022 09:38

I think I’ve read the entire thread, and haven’t seen anything that specifies exactly what the child has done.
Firstly, I’d like to extend my sympathies OP. That must be a horrendous situation to find yourself in. Once your child is an adult, they have to take responsibility for their own actions, so do not let yourself get caught up in a cycle of guilt. It’s SO easy to end up blaming yourself, for mistakes and wrongdoing by your children.
What you do about it, is of course up to you. I don’t think that I could turn my back completely on my child, but I’ve known people who have done so, and can’t blame them for it either. You do what you have to do.
If you are in a position to do so, I’d be tempted to donate any financial support that your son might have expected now, or in the future (will) to victims/ potential victims of his specific or similar crimes. Eg, fraud victims, hostels for domestic violence victims , drug rehabilitation centre.
IF you decide to see or contact him again, make sure you tell him about the impact that his crime has had on YOU, and the rest of his family. His crime hasn’t only had an impact on “nameless strangers” but on those who have cared for and loved him since he was a child.
Finally, allow yourself the time to grieve. Grieve for the loss of the child you believed he was. And for the future that you believed you both had. Grief takes many forms, and can be triggered through death, divorce, or other circumstances. Hand on heart, sometimes I feel that death is the easiest to cope with, precisely because of its finality. But there are stages to grief. Disbelief, anger, loss, sadness etc, and they will recur in cycles for a long time to come. If you DO bring yourself to forgive him (and I’m certainly not saying that you SHOULD) both of you need to be prepared that at times, in the future, that grief and anger will resurface.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 17/09/2022 10:19

CornishTiger · 17/09/2022 07:21

@Devastated63 for me it would depends on the crime and the details leading up to it/remorse.

Rape or child pornography - they’d be cut off.

Murder. Depends. An accident or unintended action. I’d want to look at details. Premeditated- cut off.

Drugs. It would have to be a very boundaried rebuilding of relationship.

Pretty much this ^ ...

@Devastated63 I am sorry for what you're going through and I don't know what it is your son has done, but the little post basically above outlines what I would do. Sending (((HUGS))) Flowers

Thegroaninggurner · 17/09/2022 10:23

I have a family member that has caused so much destruction to our family it's unreal. As a parent it is absolutely awful, I feel really bad, in fact worst than bad but I can't have my family live like that anymore, there comes a point when enough is enough a whole family suffering because one person decides to make one bad choice after the other. It does not matter how much I try to help or what I do absolutely nothing changes so for everyones sakes I have had to make the change myself. You just can't help some people.

Slutdrop · 17/09/2022 10:29

I've never been in the situation but I would think it depends what the crime is, whether it was a one-off or a repetitive thing, and whether or not they are sorry for what they've done.