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Original poster

How do you cope when your adult child does something unforgivable?

235 replies

Devastated63 · 16/09/2022 19:32

As you can guess from my changed username, this is my situation. It’s a criminal act, and if it wasn’t my child I would never speak to them again. I will never forgive, it’s likely to blight many lives, but they are still my child. I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
LadyLuck14 · 16/09/2022 20:23

I’ve never thought about this. But truly, I think it would depend for me if the victim was a child.

I think if they hurt a child that would be my breaking point. Not that hurting anyone isn’t despicable.

Hopeandlove · 16/09/2022 20:28

To be honest I wouldn’t know until I was there and knew my child the circumstances the remorse etc

eg if my son raped someone - I just couldn’t cope with that I don’t think
fraud - or stealing money possibly if they have serious remorse

it’s so hard.

I always said if one of my children left their family and wanted to move home I would say no and give them hell.

but I have just spoken to my friend. She is leaving her husband, her daughter and step daughter and moving home to Newcastle.

her husbands mother moved in during lockdown and refused to move out. Husband couldn’t cope with making his mother homeless and mother turned down counciL accommodation list but he needs her to go to claim benefits. She doesn’t want to make her daughter or her step daughter who lives with them 24/7 move schools or out. When the wife left him he asked his mother to go and hates her and the children hates her but she is mentally unwell and disabled. Ultimately he has not made her leave in 2 and a half years and I can’t see it happened. His mother is unwell but still is there while dad works. So my friends is thinking of leaving her child, going to Newcastle and leaving her job to be with family.
do I blame her - no. There is no rowing just a really sad situation.

GretaVanFleet · 16/09/2022 20:29

Have they/are they being prosecuted? For me if they were going to continue with the life of crime then I would have to tell them I love them but I want nothing to do with them whilst leading a criminal life.
To say it blights so many makes me think drugs which if they’re dealing I would go NC if they continue as their money is tainted with people’s misery and I wouldn’t want anything to do with my child.
If they are remorseful and have changed their ways, I could keep contact.

thenotsoeviltwin · 16/09/2022 20:31

This happened to my friend and her son. Nicest young man you could meet. He downloaded things. Lost his career, family, kids, everything. Criminal record too.
DF is disgusted with him. Absolutely disgusted shocked and ashamed. But he's her son. she still loves him but cannot look at him the same.
She is all he has left-he's already tried suicide. She's really struggling to support him but she loves him and is trying to help him as best she can. I don't think she will ever forgive him though.
I'm my friends support, I think she's so strong coping with this. OP, I feel for you.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/09/2022 20:32

There’s prob only 1 thing I could disown my child for. Any other crime I would prob still
love them and be in contact- but you never know until faced with situations

Natty13 · 16/09/2022 20:40

Depends if they are remorseful or not.

Dalaidramailama · 16/09/2022 20:50

It’s difficult. My brother has dealt drugs and my sisters partner is a drug dealer.

My mum is totally embarrassed and ashamed of them both to be honest. It puts a massive strain on everything.

DarkShade · 16/09/2022 20:50

You should not feel ashamed of the love that you have for your DC. If you feel like you love them in your role as mother, unconditionally, no matter what and that's ok, even if you don't like them and even if you're really mad at them. If you feel like you can't look at them, that's ok as well.

Novum · 16/09/2022 20:51

I agree it depends whether they are remorseful. It also depends whether this was a one-off offence or part of a course of conduct, and whether it was planned or not.

Strangerthings4NW · 16/09/2022 20:53

When a child goes to prison for a crime, the family (parents) almost grieve for their lost relationship, future life and the other effected! I had a very close family member go to prison for a minor crime but they served 3 years and it was hell. I’d advise seeking counselling and trying to work through things, if you can.

@whatwasIgoingtosay is this from experience as I find that very detached from the reality of prison visits.

Manekinek0 · 16/09/2022 21:00

My friend's brother abused a young girl and their mother forgave him and visits him in prison. It has caused a huge family rift.

I don't think I could forgive. My DC would not be the person I think they are.

Georgeskitchen · 16/09/2022 21:03

I don't know what crime your DC has committed but I always wonder how the mothers of very serious offenders (child rape murder) etc cope with what they have done. I think I'm right in recalling that Peter sutcliffes father was quoted as saying he was only glad his wife was deceased and didn't have to face what her son had done.
Happy to be corrected if I am wrong
Keep strong OP xxxx

TabithaTittlemouse · 16/09/2022 21:06

Are they remorseful? Are they taking responsibility for their actions?

I don’t know how I would feel if it was my child, some things are unforgivable.

I work with people who have committed horrendous crimes and very few have contact with their families. The families that are in contact are usually the ones that are in denial.

I agree with the counselling suggestion and the grieving. You will experience a range of emotions but it’s not one size fits all.

Only you can decide what happens next in your relationship. I’m sorry that you are going through this. I hope you have some support.

Trinity65 · 16/09/2022 21:31

It would depend what it is.
I have certain situations (God Forbid they ever happen) where I would totally and utterly cease contact with a DS. (or DD for that matter).
My 3rd adult child is completely different to his siblings and we have clashed. So much so I sent him to his Dad (please don't anyone judge Me, I would have ended up no use to my other 3) but now ? The relationship is still strained (but it always was) but we rub along ok when we see each other once a Year.
He lives some distance .

MadeForThis · 16/09/2022 21:35

It would depend on the crime.

stayinghometoday · 16/09/2022 21:42

I don't think that I could ever abandon my child or lose hope that they could change for the better, no matter what they did.

I have a cousin in prison for a stabbing. They have a lot of mental health problems and although I won't let them near my child, I still hope that they get the help that they need to stabilize mentally. I also acknowledge that they shouldn't be let free until they can be safe for society, and maybe that is never. In a way they are a victim of their own mental health as well. Would this viewpoint be helpful in your situation?

JenniferBarkley · 16/09/2022 21:43

I'm sorry OP. Flowers

Realistically, none of us can know until we're in that position. There are some crimes that leave people fully alone in the world. I don't know if I could bear the thought of one of my DC being that alone. I would like to think that no matter what my views on their actions and their faults, I would remain in contact. However, I wouldn't expect that of my other DC.

If my other DC was a victim, that would change everything.

But ultimately my DC are 4 and 2, so what the hell do I know. I hope you find some peace in whatever route you choose.

Andromachehadabadday · 16/09/2022 21:45

Depends. I am very close to someone whose son was sent to prison for rape. The judge described him as a very dangerous person and a danger to society.

After conviction, his parent visited him but he had no remorse and even made disgusting sexual comments about female staff at the prison. The parent ended up cutting them off. The parent felt visiting was supporting and just couldn’t anymore.

PeachTea1 · 16/09/2022 21:48

Sending love OP.
I’m in a similar position with a sibling. I don’t like who he is anymore and have put some distance between us. I’m going to therapy to help me process it all.

MrsCat1 · 16/09/2022 21:50

I think it depends a great deal on the circumstances but fundamentally I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. I work with ex-offenders, trying to help keep them on the straight and narrow. Not a popular cause but one I believe in. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Devastated63 · 16/09/2022 21:56

its very early days, our other kids are angry, upset and worried. There was massive lies and covering up. It’s pretty unforgivable, can’t say if there’s any remorse as we haven’t seen him yet. It could have repercussions on my job and living peacefully. Feel so sick.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 16/09/2022 21:58

You just don't know until it happens to your family.

I sadly know of two families where the DS committed very serious crimes ... in one case the DM did offer him a home when his prison sentence ended ... in her words if she didn't he would just end up mixing with similar sorts of people ... of course that then ended her relationships with other family members. There is no easy answer.

Unforgettablefire · 16/09/2022 22:00

It would depend on the crime.
If it was a sex crime, elderly, child or animal abuse then that would be it for me, they'd be dead to me.
Anything else I could work with.
It depends on what you yourself find forgivable.

userxx · 16/09/2022 22:06

Unforgettablefire · 16/09/2022 22:00

It would depend on the crime.
If it was a sex crime, elderly, child or animal abuse then that would be it for me, they'd be dead to me.
Anything else I could work with.
It depends on what you yourself find forgivable.

Even if it was your own child ?

wholesomen · 16/09/2022 22:07

I have actually thought about this for an unusual amount of time in the past, as I have been the victim of crime and watched the perpetrator sit in court across from me flanked by his parents - one on either side. That hurt me more than anything he had done.

I would not publicly support my child if it caused further upset to a victim.

However, as I said, I have thought about why, why, why, why did they support him? It's simple. They love him. If my child was involved in criminality, you don't just stop loving them? You can't! They're your baby!

After a lot of soul searching, I'm no longer angry at them. I'm no longer even angry at him. It's no longer a part of my life.

I would support your child in private, no matter what. I don't think that people are pure evil. I would not support someone if it meant causing further injury to the victim though. I would draw the line there and tell my child why.

I am not God. It's not my job or role to judge. I don't judge you for supporting your child. You carried them in the womb, you gave birth to them, you reared them. You don't manage to turn that off. I don't know what crime was committed or what went wrong along the line somewhere, but crime isn't usually committed out of the blue.

I know your heart must be broken. I would continue to support your child through prison presumably? I'm presuming that you are the mother and not the father.

At the end of the day, the only one who can judge, is God. Not one of us is without sin.