How do you cope when your adult child does something unforgivable?

[Devastated63]

As you can guess from my changed username, this is my situation. It’s a criminal act, and if it wasn’t my child I would never speak to them again. I will never forgive, it’s likely to blight many lives, but they are still my child. I just don’t know what to do.

Our loving relationship would be all but gone (note all but. I would always love).

There would be no affection, no closeness, no joy or pride

but - as I say, there is nothing my children could do that would mean
a) I wouldn’t visit them in prison and
b) if they were ever released, there would be a room for them wherever I lived

The only point at which I would stop loving my child is if it was pointless - if they were psychopathically incapable of love themselves and didn't need to be loved, for example.

Is the forgiveness something within your power to give? Was it you that he harmed? If not, then forgiving is not up to you. Or are you describing something about forgiving him for shaming you?

I don’t think I could even turn off my love for them if it was “pointless” or they didn’t want to need it. How would you even do that?

I don't know. I suppose it depends. If you still love them then you visit them in prison. If they're not in prison you report them. And you tell them that you love them but hate what they did.

In the end, you speak honestly to them. As a parent it's unlikely you decide never to speak to them again. You make your views known.

They would not be my child if they raped someone, abused a child or disabled person or killed without an incredibly good reason (self defence, reactive abuse, extreme fear, gang coercion).

You are expecting an awful lot of yourself if you think you should feel the same about them and forgive them for an abhorrent crime.

In your situation I think I would see if I could get some counselling to sort out how I felt about everything. Work towards a place of acceptance that this has happened. But I wouldn’t even be thinking about forgiveness. Look after yourself.

I don't think you know how you would react until you are in the situation... I commented earlier about someone I knew whose DS did commit a crime (against a DC) and was imprisoned for a long time ... she did offer him a home when he was released as she knew the alternative was hostel accommodation with other ex offenders. Of course that decision meant she was then estranged from her wider family and (many) local friends.
It was a horrible choice she had to make .... there is no straight forward answer.

That's tough there's some things I could forgive my child for but a violent crime against another human I'm not sure I could.

Same

How are you doing op?