How do you cope when your adult child does something unforgivable?

[Devastated63]

As you can guess from my changed username, this is my situation. It’s a criminal act, and if it wasn’t my child I would never speak to them again. I will never forgive, it’s likely to blight many lives, but they are still my child. I just don’t know what to do.

I'm not sure if this helps, but if someone committed a terrible crime against me or my family and their mother stood by them and continued to love them, visit them in prison etc I would never hold it against the mother and would understand. A mother's love is like no other and that bond can't just be broken so easily. Your child is always your child, even if the behaviour is terrible. It might be the time in their life when they need you the most. Good luck OP. It's an awful situation to be in and counselling would probably help.

I feel for you, OP. My opinion is that you give yourself some time, don't make any rash decisions and focus on helping your other children as much as you are able to. Like others have said, to me it will depend on what crime it is, how he has been as a person, etc. I know for myself that there are certain crimes I couldn't forgive and/or continue a relationship (e.g.child abuse). I also know that I'll probably end up blaming myself - so seek professional help (counseling, perhaps support groups, etc). I hope you find the least painful way through this!

What a nightmare OP. I hope you don’t feel on any level that it’s your fault. I really can’t say how I would feel in your shoes, but take some time to work through your feelings, you don’t have to commit to anything right now.

I'm so sorry Op, that is so very difficult. I agree you should seek counselling to help process this. It sounds like you are still with his father? If so, try to keep talking to each other honestly.

Wishing you strength to get through the difficult times ahead

Op, look, there is a justice system in place to serve justice. Whether that's a just sentence handed down or not is probably debatable depending on where you are.

Again, speaking as how I felt as a victim, I felt utterly intimidated by the 'show of support' from the perpetrator's family in court. It added insult to injury. I would not publicly support your son as it is highly likely that it will cause further pain to the victim.

You are his mother though and he will need you still.

You have your other children to take into account too. I know that this isn't a place to discuss details of something like this, or the ages of your other children, but I think that there are charities who help families in your situation. I think this is a case where you have to think of the 'least worse' option.

This helpline might be useful.

www.prisonersfamilies.org/ It's for England and Wales.

I don’t feel I can judge having never been in that position but I want to send love. My MIL has sons in jail for long sentences and I see her pain and anxiety.

I think feelings are likely to depend on how abhorrent the crime is. That being said I've worked with hundreds of offenders, ranging from shoplifters to rapists, child sex offenders & the majority of them have had family support (if they had family before the offence that is). There are a few who have been "disowned" - but I can count them on one hand.

Like others have said you wouldn't stop loving them ( I imagine ) not been in the situation myself. But life is likely to change significantly & it's something to bare in mind. E.g - if it's a child sex offence and you've got other kids, involvement of police, social services, probation etc. It won't just affect your child but will also affect your life. So take time to process this yourself.

We weren’t in court, and if we were I don’t think we’d be there to support him, as we find the crime abhorrent, but rather, I don’t know, just to be there to know what happened.
I walked upstairs tonight, past his baby photos, it almost finished me.

Sorry OP. I guess you might come to a place where you practically support them (eg in prison)as a way of showing love but other genuine love / feelings may feel tainted. Have counselling to unpack what's happened.

There's a phrase "a mother is only ever as happy as her unhappiest child". I think that is very true.

This is an appalling thing to have happened to everyone. To the victim(s), to you, to your other children and perhaps to other innocent people who were affected by this crime. I gather by how you referred to the crime and the impact that it will have, that it wasn't simply pickpocketing or something (if only).

I struggle with faith in anything, but I find that at times like this, sometimes, the only thing I have to turn to is to faith and prayer. I usually pray for guidance, or strength or wisdom. Most of the time I shout at God! I'm pretty sure that's why none of my prayers are answered. I'm just trying to joke a little. I think giving back to the community in some way can be useful. I know you haven't committed the crime, but it can help take your mind off things a little and also help other people out at the same time.

I think the suggestion of counselling is a good one. You'll have all sorts of thoughts and feelings and it's going to take time to process everything. Sending you strength and a hug.

No advice OP.
Just wishing you strength and hope you have people to support you.

I read about people who suggest that you can love the person, not the behaviour.

How simply dreadful.
Mind yourself.

Like a couple of pp, I don't think I could really predict how I might take it in the abstract without ever having gone through anything like that (dc still children, but please God it will never happen). It depends on what it was as well, I'm not sure that I could ever get past something like rape, for example. There would have to be a long period of nc and someone to help me process it all. I hope all the rest of your family can find support and help one another. You'll need to accept that you'll probably end up with different outlooks from one another, and work through what you want to do if some want to keep/re-start contact and others don't.

I'm sorry but it sounds to me like your DC has abused a child? In this case I don't think I could ever speak to them again.

It honestly depends what it is OP, “unforgivable” is quite subjective. Counselling to explore your feelings is probably a good idea.

@Devastated63 : so sorry you are in this situation, I’m sending you a PM

It depends on the crime and their reaction to it. Don't rush to decide what to do. It will become clearer over time as you process your emotions. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

My uncle and aunt cut off one of their sons. He kidnapped and tortured someone for a perceived slight. He had no remorse except in court. He is a dangerous man.

Could you tell us what the crime was? I honestly think it would depend on this to really know how I felt going forward. It's hard imagining not loving your kids unconditionally, but I'm afraid in some circumstances I would just have to step back if they did something so awful.

Another thing that I do when my heart feels broken is watch family films. I stay away from crime dramas or that sort of dark stuff. I watched a lovely one recently called 'Dog'. It's about two wounded souls in a way and it's a nice soothing film. It's this one www.amazon.co.uk/Dog-Channing-Tatum/dp/B09PRBHJ1V/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2IFTZRH5HBXPO&keywords=dog&qid=1663366134&s=instant-video&sprefix=dog%2Cinstant-video%2C407&sr=1-1

I don't think that it's fair to ask the OP to share that here.

What was the relationship between them like before the boy raped someone? When the parent discovered it was it a complete shock?

I feel like if my child took a life away I could forgive in self defence/fear. If my child committed a crime that was malicious or evil without any justification other than for their own gratification that child would no longer be my baby. I would grieve for the loss of that child though. I would still have a love in my heart for them but it would be a gaping hole of love. I fear from your non descriptive post your Adult DC may have abused a child. I think that is where I would have to wash my hands because to me child abusers don't deserve love around them. Apologies if I am way off the mark just that would be my line. Hurting anyone innocent goes against all of our morality and we all know right from wrong and if you don't you should not be a part of society. I'm sorry your going through this at this time I bet your tormenting yourself with what ifs and blaming yourself. But they are an adult they made their own decisions you raised them right to the best of your ability which is why your other children probably can't forgive because you have instilled that moral code in them. You don't have to decide anything right now though focus on your other children and coming to terms with everything with them. Take some time for yourself to process everything.

Trigger Warning: My brother sexually abused me and my sister.

I would have absolutely expected my parents to stand by him, and still love him and visit him in jail when he faced up to the consequences of what he had done what I didn’t expect was for them to protect him from the consequences of his actions to dismiss and minimise and deny and rationalise his crimes. Don’t do that.

Love him but face up fully to who he is and what he has done. It is horrendous though I’m so sorry you are experiencing this