How do you cope when your adult child does something unforgivable?

[Devastated63]

As you can guess from my changed username, this is my situation. It’s a criminal act, and if it wasn’t my child I would never speak to them again. I will never forgive, it’s likely to blight many lives, but they are still my child. I just don’t know what to do.

I wouldn’t forgive or be able to look them in the eye if it was something involving children.

but other than that, with time, I think I would.

I’ve read articles about how many relatives of victims of crime find that forgiveness is the only way they find in order to be able to move forward.

if they can, then you might be able to as well.

My mum always used to say that you can love someone but not like them. Try to remember the good times you had with your son.

This may help OP

www.police.uk/pu/support-services/support-for-offenders-and-their-families/

In the way of the world, and coincidences, my friend's ex and father of her child was sentenced to two years this week. He was caught in a sting operation for grooming a minor (15 male online). However, with the sentence there must have been more to it.

Everyone in tears, but we did some immediate crisis management. The party line is computer fraud, to protect his children.

I was then caught thinking if this were my dad, brother, child what would I do? How would I separate the love etc. There was an excellent post earlier by a PP stating the ritualisation of prison visits etc and I think that helps give a framework.

Also, you are in early days. There is a shitload to unravel and work out ( counselling?) But you do have time. No-one is entirely evil and visa versa. And humans have typical behaviours and your son is just one of a number. Disappointing, heart rending but, sadly, a human story.

Take your time, feel your anger and hurt and your deep sadness. Do what you need to do, until a pattern that you can cope with emerges.

I feel for you and other PP on here who are.going through similar. You are not alone, though the shame and distress may feel like it.

Take good care

I think if it was a sex crime, rape or child abuse then I couldn't forgive, I might still love my child but would not want them in my life. I would cut them out to protect other family members.

I also agree with previous posts that recommend therapy. Look after yourself OP.

So you could forgive anything even if it was calculated?

@a1poshpaws oh goodness, thank you for you comment - and I'm over the moon if I've helped you in any way

I think it would depend on what they actually did I suppose , but ultimately I think your child is always your child. I think if there was remorse I would forgive to a point and offer practical support even if I couldn’t get over what they had done.

@WomanStanleyWoman2 can you explain your thinking please? I am struggling to understand.

We've been through this as a family. I'm not the mother but I've seen the effect on the mother. I do recommend going to any court proceedings. It doesn't have to be as a show of support and you can make that clear but it means that you will know exactly what happened and if they do have remorse. It may be hard to hear the intricacies of the crime but then you will be able to assess if it was an evil act or situation.

You need to talk to someone. Be it here or a professional. The worst thing for my family was the shame. Not daring to tell anyone and not being able to discuss it.

Also just a note, people are quick to blame the parents. Our children have so many outside influences and an innate belief that we are wrong and their friends etc are right. It's likely there is nothing you could have done and that this is not something for which you should feel to blame

The answer would possibly vary based on whether -

1. he committed a financial crime swindling people of money?
2. he killed someone out of self defence
3. he raped a child
4. he raped someone

you see - so many things are crimes - so many textures to them.

What? I’m at a loss to know what we have done? We weren’t there because he didn’t tell us.

There are different types of support. Support to enable someone to deny and minimize is different to support to acknowledge the harm done, to feel remorse, to change.

I am sorry OP for your situation.
I have a friend who has been to prison 3 times for fraud. She is definitely unwell and I choose to forgive although I frequently feel embarrassed when other friends find out her background.
I have also worked with a rehabilitated murder. He should have been charged with manslaughter and he is a broken man. Remorseful and desperate to make amends.
Having suffered abuse as I a child I could never forgive that type of crime. I would not want them near my family. The risk would be too great. You are not to blame for your adult child's behaviour. If you have faith talk to your priest. It may help.

@Devastated63 for me it would depends on the crime and the details leading up to it/remorse.

Rape or child pornography - they’d be cut off.

Murder. Depends. An accident or unintended action. I’d want to look at details. Premeditated- cut off.

Drugs. It would have to be a very boundaried rebuilding of relationship.

Behaved like what?

OP, you mention your job and ability to live peaceful. I suspect this means your son has committed a sex offence or a child sex offence.

if that’s the case, for me personally, that is utterly unforgivable. Other crimes I could forgive, and depending on the circumstances, understand. But if this is what it appears to be, it’s a complete and utter red line for me. I don't know how helpful that is to you, probably not very. I don’t feel I have much constructive advice to give you. Nonetheless I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this incredibly difficult position.

I think this is very much a case of not really knowing what you'd do (or rather be able to do) unless you've been there.

I suspect for me it would depend both on the crime and the remorse for it. I would find child abuse, rape, anything involving abuse of animals or elderly people extremely difficult to forgive. Murder probably to, although maybe more about the circumstances with that. Financial crime (for example) I would find easier to accept and forgive.

There are a lot of variable factors though OP and all you can do is give yourself some time. How you feel now may not be how you always feel.

@Devastated63 Ignore the obvious trolls - sadly, there are always a few these days - that's why people don't even acknowledge them.

It really depends on the crime for me OP, can you give an idea of general category as it might help us?
Going to the court proceedings I think it really useful for you to understand the extent of the crimes and make up your mind, it also takes away his responsibility to tell you the whole truth and not leave out anything.

At the moment all of my children are babies and I can't ever imagine not loving them unconditionally, I'm trying to imagine if they committed the most heinous crime and I think I would have to put clear boundaries in place, protect my heart, protect those around me, but ultimately still love them and provide for them because that's what I signed up for when I had them.
I've got no idea if I would feel this way in reality though.

Are you able to give an idea of his response to the crimes? Is he remorseful? Denying it? Is there a chance he is in fact innocent?

Ive worked with offenders it depends on the crime really. I think harming children, sex offences would be a hard limit for me but then I see many sex offenders still have their parents coming to see them and their support . No one knows how they would react. I think the social stigma thing is one of the hardest things to deal with as a family member . I wouldn't know what I'd do I'd seek some counselling to process my own feelings.

From the nature of your posts it sounds like either rape or child sex offences?

If they were guilty I don’t think I could move past it to be honest and I would cut contact.

I don't have the answer but this could happen to any of us. Sending so much love.

Child abuse, then I think I could never look at them again without thinking about it, I would find it hard to separate them as my child from that crime. I think most other things I could probably reconcile myself with. Not condone mind but if they were remorseful I could work with that.

I absolutely would not judge you if you carried on contact with your child regardless of the crime. He’s still your child. I’m so sorry OP I can’t imagine what you and your family must be going through. I think therapy would probably help your organise your thoughts and feelings.

If the crime was the abuse/rape of a child I'd never see them again. Totally unforgivable.