How do you cope when your adult child does something unforgivable?

[Devastated63]

As you can guess from my changed username, this is my situation. It’s a criminal act, and if it wasn’t my child I would never speak to them again. I will never forgive, it’s likely to blight many lives, but they are still my child. I just don’t know what to do.

Must be awful you poor thing.

Always remember on the news the parents who turned their own late teenage son in after they realised that it was him that raped a girl he didn’t know in their local park and left her for dead with head injuries. The police specifically commended them for their actions he wouldn’t have been caught otherwise.

You do not have to forgive if you don't want to. Others who tell you to do so only do so because they are uncomfortable and want you to stop talking about it and think that the minute you say you have forgiven, that will be the end of it. Forgiveness is for other people's comfort not yours.

I am not able to answer this question, however, I want to offer words of support.
All the best. I think you need to give yourself some compassion. I think it will take time to process your emotions.

@MistressIggi when you said "You can forgive someone but not condone their actions" you just helped me as much as many years of therapy has ever done. Thank you. You're very wise.

I think it depends on the level of remorse/understanding for why it was wrong. It is a dreadful thing to have to contemplate. I don't think I could turn my back if my dc was remorseful. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

People say this with such confidence in how they'd actually feel (and probably such confidence that they'll never be in that situation).

In reality, it's ok to still very much love your child. Very few people commit 'abhorrent' crimes without something having gone horribly wrong in their own lives along the way - their own trauma or abuse, an addiction, mental illness, often all three and more. As a mother it's ok to see the hurt to them as well as the hurt they've caused. You might be the only one, and that must hurt too.

What's not ok, especially if it's abuse of children or vulnerable people, is letting him back into family events, or giving him any information at all on family members who've chosen to cut ties, or anyone who would potentially fit a victim profile.

Judging is easy from the outside, but it's ok to be mourning the hopes you've had for the child you love, and wanting to hug them on the worst day of their life even while the thought of what they've done makes you ill.

I hope you are able to speak in person with others who've been through this before, and get some support. Don't do anything in a rush, and think very carefully about which friends and family you talk to, it's so private and ripe for misunderstanding, arguments and really poisonous gossip.

I think there is no right or wrong way to feel, you will struggle to balance your feelings of hate and disappointment for that act, with the love and happiness of being their parent!

I agree with others who are suggesting therapy, it's amazing - a completely unbiased, non judgemental space for to to vocalise your feelings, which you will struggle with in your inner circle as they are all directly impacted.

Sending you lots of love OP, be kind to yourself💐

I think it depends on the specifics of the situation.

clearly we hope that parents will always love their children and support them. However the reality is that everyone has their limits and some crimes are so awful it would be hard to feel the same after knowing you child committed them.

If your son is someone who has hurt others, and is an ongoing risk, then I think it’s ok to set boundaries in your relationship and have low contact if that’s what is right for you.

I wonder about maybe mentally separating baby/child you had who was your innocent child, from the adult he is now. Try not to let the present taint you past, thought it will obviously taint the future for your relationship.

know you’re not alone too. Many people in prison, and people who have committed some of the worst crimes have parents who love/d them and struggle with understanding how they became the person who committed that crime.

love to you. Sounds hard!

I think if it's child abuse I would leave them to face the consequences of their actions

I have thought about this situation in the future and honestly I'd hope I'd cut them off.

I have seen families bent trying to repair a person who is past it or has little conscious.

I'm sorry you are facing this.

I guess some of it might depend on the existing relationship. If I committed an abhorrent crime I’m pretty sure my mother would find it easy to never see me again, we’re not close and only occasionally in contact. If it was one of my siblings she’d probably stand by them even if she really didn’t support them as they have close relationships and all see/ speak to each other regularly.

Then I guess it’s down to your own line in terms of what is unforgivable but something you could manage to put aside to maintain contact and what is unforgivable to the point you couldn’t bear to ever see them again. There are a lot of abhorrent and truly morally awful crimes but even the some are worse than others, only you can decide how bad the crime was and what level of unforgivable it is.

OvertheRubicon - I think your answer was excellent and so well thought out x

If the state and prison service believe in rehabilitation, then I think it may be possible to participate in the rehabilitation process . offenders often need family support once out of prison if they are not to reoffend. Only you know if it’s possible to visit and maintain a relationship. As PP have said counselling may help you come to terms with it.

It’s early days and so you will feel all sorts for a while. It would be impossible to decide what to do when, as you say, you haven’t even spoken to him or heard all of the facts.
For now you are all in shock presumably.

My DH’s brother is in prison. Not for anything heinous but none the less a serious offence. DH & the rest of the family only heard the full fact in court. They started off feeling he was being treated harshly to realising he was absolutely guilty & had to face the consequences.
The facts might help you decide how to move forward.

Whatever it is he has done I’m truly sorry that you are living this nightmare. It could happen to any of us.

This must be horrendous, so sorry OP. 💐

I don’t have any advice as I don’t have any personal experience but please know whatever has happened it is not your fault. A lot of people from well respected, hard working and loving families turn to crime and commit some unforgivable and hideous acts.

I would probably seek some professional help. Xx

I'm so sorry, OP. I can hardly begin to imagine how painful this is for you.

I’m so very sorry that you are going through something as difficult as this.

as you have name changed, are you able to share the basics of what has happened, so we can gain some perspective, to enable us all to offer advice / support?

Sorry you have to go through this OP.

If you need someone neutral to talk to in real life - remember the Samaritans.

You don 't love someone 'because'. You just love them. When they do things that are utterly unloveable - you can still find yourself loving them.

People who do terrible things might be least deserving but are probably most in need of love.

The families of criminals are often forgotten victims of the crimes and I think its a very lonely and bleak position to find yourself in.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I agree with others that you need to take this slowly. You will no doubt go through a roller coaster of emotions and there is no right way to deal with this.

I would look to see if there are any support groups available for families in your position because you will benefit from the support and experience of others going through what you are.

Forgiveness is a big concept, the biggest most of us will ever grapple with. For many people as well, its also something that is ongoing, something which is practised rather than done with on a moment. I don't think its something you need to decide now.

For now, look after yourself and children and take things just one day at a time. It must feel like you're being battered by a tide and like a tide there will be waves that wash you off your feet and others that will leave you higher.

Face your son when you're ready and don't make any rash decisions. You will rebuild your life around what he has broken. For you and your family, he has changed things but not destroyed them, you'll find ways to deal with it.

Sending you the strength to deal with the upcoming months x

@Devastated63 To me, there are people who make careless/reckless decisions: "if I hadn't been drunk, I wouldn't have taken his car and I wouldn't have hit the child". There are people who do wrong without expecting the consequences to be so ruinous: "When I took the money, I didn't know who he owed it to and how they'd react" and then there are the entirely predatory individuals who seek nothing more than to prey on those weaker than them.
The first two may be penitent and might even lead a blameless life to atone for their past deeds, the latter - in my experience - are irredeemable, will never take responsibility for their actions and can never be trusted.

Honestly, if I was your child, I’d take the decision out of your hands. I wouldn’t want to stay in contact with a parent who behaved like this.

If it's unforgivable then I think you have to consider it the same way as a bereavement. You can grieve for the child you raised, the child you thought you had, and for the life you would have had with them. Grief is a valid response to that. Also consider it's possible to love the person but hate their actions.

I think I would (1) try to treat him as I would any other person guilty of the same crime (2) allow some ‘weakness’ towards him at my own expense because he’s my child, as long as it harmed nobody (including him) but me (3) grieve for the child I had who turned into this man (4) question myself unendingly and probably uselessly about where I went wrong in raising such a child (5) protect those I love from him (6) try to protect him from himself, if I could (7) resent the impact of his choices on those I love, including me.

It sounds like some sort of financial fraud, or something involving lying and duplicity. I would seek to understand why he felt the need to do this thing.

I absolutely would not be able to deal with it alone. I would need professional help.

So sorry OP

I am sorry for shock you are in. When a family member committed a crime I felt absolutely floored. The illusion of a "good person" shattered and broke my understanding of the world.

Do what you feel is best. Reach out to charities (if there are any) to talk through things; there was a specific org for families of people who had committed the specific crime my family member was involved in.

In the end I didnt cut contact because I didnt see how it would do any good to anyone. The severity of the crime affected this decision.

I am sure you wont minimise or defend ir cover up your sons crime but beyond that do what you feel is best. Dont worry about anyone else. I am sorry. This will take a long time to heal.

We are here for you. It's not your fault xx

I'm so sorry OP. What a horrendous situation for you.