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Original poster

How do you cope when your adult child does something unforgivable?

235 replies

Devastated63 · 16/09/2022 19:32

As you can guess from my changed username, this is my situation. It’s a criminal act, and if it wasn’t my child I would never speak to them again. I will never forgive, it’s likely to blight many lives, but they are still my child. I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 17/09/2022 19:12

Alot of posters here are mentioning repentance, offenders seeking forgiveness. These types of people arnt remotely bothered about saving any sort of relationship with their families or being forgiven fir anything. If they were they wouldn't have done it in the first place.
To brutally murder someone or force their sexual perversions on an innocent child shows that they are psychopaths. Psychopaths don't worry who might cut them off. This is more about the parent accepting that a child they brought into the world and raised and loved is a monster with the capacity to inflict dreadful harm. Not an easy one to come to terms with.

BrokenGran · 17/09/2022 20:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
Devastated63 · 17/09/2022 20:07

Skatewing · 17/09/2022 14:21

I'm not going to post details so please don't worry but has your child's crime been posted about on social media on local pages?

Not yet. He doesn’t live in the same town as us, but close.

OP posts:
Chailatteplease · 17/09/2022 20:38

Devastated63 · 17/09/2022 20:07

Not yet. He doesn’t live in the same town as us, but close.

Show quote history

You might have had a name change fail OP.

iaintabouttogostraight · 17/09/2022 21:11

Name changed for this to protect my sons. I haven't read all the replies but I hope that some of them make you feel that you are not alone OP. My two sons began to have issues from early teenage years. As they grew into adulthood, the issues became more serious and worse than that, innocent people who strayed into their orbit got hurt. If you seek therapy, choose your counsellor carefully, not all of them will be helpful to you. My hope was to find a peer support group, other parents who had experienced the same pain, they really are the only ones who will understand how you are feeling. Unfortunately, it does not seem to exist, in my area at least. There is some literature around this subject but usually incorporating a religious element, so not for me.
After years of torment and anguish, I have managed finally to accept that it is out with my control to fix this situation. I will carry the pain forever and I will love my sons forever.
I deeply emphasise with you OP and stand beside you in the midst of your pain and bewilderment.
I can at least offer you the assurance that you won't feel this way forever.

LuckyPeonies · 18/09/2022 04:07

OP, I am very sorry this happened to you and your family. My partner and I and family have gone through similar. My SS was arrested via an internet sting several years ago and sent to prison. He was early 40’s at the time and has lost a good career, pension, his house, his future, his reputation, his family. The entire ordeal and the fallout have been devastating and we are still gutted.

We both went through depression and grieving the person we thought he was and the life and future he had, his place in our family, etc. There is anger, disgust, disappointment, sadness, even some pity for him for his ruined life and future,.

It is a difficult, painful, lonely, nightmarish situation to be in, but it does get better with time. Don’t allow yourself to be guilted into anything you don’t want to do, by anyone. If you want to support him, do. If you don’t, walk away without guilt. If you do, but with limits, enforce those limits as you need. He decided to commit a crime, now you get to decide what sort of relationship, if any, you want to maintain with him.

Thegroaninggurner · 18/09/2022 04:16

I'm in the same position it is absolutely heartbreaking, I really feel for you.

DancingBudgie · 18/09/2022 07:12

I have no idea because fortunately I've never been in that position.

MistressIggi · 18/09/2022 10:20

Most pointless post...

SuperCamp · 18/09/2022 10:20

Amidst many other emotions considered by PP, I think I would be hurt, and angered, that he had not considered the impact in his parents and wider family. But I suppose at the heart of criminal behaviour is the belief that they will not get caught.

whynotwhatknot · 18/09/2022 13:31

If hes hurt one of your other children dontscapegoat him you'll ruin your relationship them permanently

Hopeandlove · 18/09/2022 16:57

KendrickLamaze · 17/09/2022 07:04

We've been through this as a family. I'm not the mother but I've seen the effect on the mother. I do recommend going to any court proceedings. It doesn't have to be as a show of support and you can make that clear but it means that you will know exactly what happened and if they do have remorse. It may be hard to hear the intricacies of the crime but then you will be able to assess if it was an evil act or situation.

You need to talk to someone. Be it here or a professional. The worst thing for my family was the shame. Not daring to tell anyone and not being able to discuss it.

Also just a note, people are quick to blame the parents. Our children have so many outside influences and an innate belief that we are wrong and their friends etc are right. It's likely there is nothing you could have done and that this is not something for which you should feel to blame Flowers

This - I have seen so many people lie lie lie and on here.
me ex made up stories and accused me of rape - I didn’t etc

I would want to see the evidence and case and judge for myself

but child pornography etc just no same with rape or extreme violence

I would just say ‘I love my son but I loathe his actions and to are interlinked and for my own health and well-being and that of the victims I can not support you in any way ‘

Original poster
Devastated63 · 18/09/2022 21:39

SuperCamp · 18/09/2022 10:20

Amidst many other emotions considered by PP, I think I would be hurt, and angered, that he had not considered the impact in his parents and wider family. But I suppose at the heart of criminal behaviour is the belief that they will not get caught.

After a weekend of talking this (apart from the horror of the crime and impact on the victim) is one of the points we keep coming back to. That and the fact that he lied and lied and assumed there were no repercussions to his actions.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 18/09/2022 23:10

Zerrin13 · 17/09/2022 19:12

Alot of posters here are mentioning repentance, offenders seeking forgiveness. These types of people arnt remotely bothered about saving any sort of relationship with their families or being forgiven fir anything. If they were they wouldn't have done it in the first place.
To brutally murder someone or force their sexual perversions on an innocent child shows that they are psychopaths. Psychopaths don't worry who might cut them off. This is more about the parent accepting that a child they brought into the world and raised and loved is a monster with the capacity to inflict dreadful harm. Not an easy one to come to terms with.

This is nonsense. Are saying that not a single person can be remorseful , or not care about their families ?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 19/09/2022 00:05

💐For the pp's sharing their personal experience.
OP you won't be able to ever fully understand the crime or the person but that's okay, he had free choices that you had no influence on.

BudgetBlast · 19/09/2022 08:11

Devastated63 · 18/09/2022 21:39

After a weekend of talking this (apart from the horror of the crime and impact on the victim) is one of the points we keep coming back to. That and the fact that he lied and lied and assumed there were no repercussions to his actions.

Show quote history

Is there genuine remorse? And by that I mean actions not words. Words are easy action is hard. Genuine remorse is taking action to rectify the crime. Going to police, admitting wrongdoing, accepting the punishment that goes with the crime. A willingness and genuine wish to face the victim if that would improve the situation for the victim but respecting that might not be what the victim wants. That is genuine remorse. It is very, very rare. If a person has committed very serious crime then saving themselves from the consequences is the typical human response.

Original poster
Devastated63 · 19/09/2022 09:40

It’s very early days, no contact as yet. Message via prison that he’s sorry what he’s put us all through (if I had a quid for every time he’s said this about things he’s fucked up I’d be rich).
so far, we are doing what we can to support practically (removed valuables and sentimental stuff from house. Turned off gas and electric, threw out perishables and emptied bin) Got all documents and passport. I imagine we will visit. Just not yet.

OP posts:
Shitfather · 19/09/2022 10:52

I’m sorry sorry OP. Aside from a losing a child, this is probably one of the most heartbreaking experiences for a parent. Wishing you strength. Flowers

Feef83 · 25/11/2022 17:18

How are things OP?

bottleofbeer · 26/11/2022 03:10

My love is unconditional.

Doesn't mean I won't hate the crime.

beachcitygirl · 26/11/2022 03:15

It depends. I could forgive anything except child abuse or rape.

That's where I would draw a line.

Anything else (even murder) I would be there. Not pleased, not condoning. But there ,

hattie43 · 26/11/2022 07:20

I've just watched Dahmer on Netflix and struggled to believe his father still loved and supported him .
I just don't think I could , the horror would be too much to bear but until you are in that situation perhaps you never know .
Extreme example I realise

Feef83 · 26/11/2022 09:12

beachcitygirl · 26/11/2022 03:15

It depends. I could forgive anything except child abuse or rape.

That's where I would draw a line.

Anything else (even murder) I would be there. Not pleased, not condoning. But there ,

I wouldn’t “forgive” but not for me to forgive. i wouldn’t be the victim in this scenario.

I would be sickened. I would be appalled. I couldn’t ever be close and loving with him ever again. Our closeness would be forever destroyed and I would withdraw emotionally from him to a great extent

but… I would visit him in prison for the rest of his life. And if he was ever released, there would be a bedroom for him in my home.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/11/2022 22:42

Even if he was unrepentant @Feef83?

Feef83 · 27/11/2022 05:35

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/11/2022 22:42

Even if he was unrepentant @Feef83?

Yes
Because that would mean he was psychopath, which means he is very mentally ill.