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Original poster

How to not give a shit about what people think of you?

178 replies

Ewetoo · 12/09/2022 14:51

Any advice? I find myself constantly wondering why people don't like me, say hello, brush past me etc... I try my best to be polite & friendly at all times... I feel it's really starting to effect my anxiety & I would love some tips on how not to care what people think..

OP posts:
HandbagsnGladrags · 12/09/2022 14:53

You just need to turn 50 and you will no longer give a single shit.

Original poster
Ewetoo · 12/09/2022 14:55

It's so hard, I always feel like an outsider.. I wished I could stop caring...

OP posts:
WingBingo · 12/09/2022 14:57

Learnt not to influence my thoughts, feelings or actions based on what some one else may or may not be thinking about me.

what some one else thinks about me is none of my business.

GreenManalishi · 12/09/2022 14:57

@HandbagsnGladrags Amen! Years of practice! I honestly believe that people are pretty self absorbed and it's very rarely personal. They're just getting on with their own stuff, humans are weird, find some you like and don't worry too much about the rest.

DrPhilYourGuts · 12/09/2022 14:57

How much attention do you pay other people? Do you brush past people, could you unintentionally ignored someone?

I don’t give a shit what most people think of me because it has very little impact on my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t get embarrassed or have my feelings hurt or want people to dislike me. It’s just that when you really think about it, how much of your time do you think about others and how does this impact them? Probably not much. Apply that to yourself, most people are busy thinking about themselves and not you, and if they do think of you what does it do to your life. I expect nothing.

Maybe ask yourself why you’re so worried or what the source of worry truly is, are you feeling lonely? Disconnected from others?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/09/2022 14:58

Get older and post menopausal. It's like being reconfigured.

VatofTea · 12/09/2022 14:58

Most of it is their jealousy, their insecurity.

Are you:
Typically considered beautiful;
Confident in your body shape or skin;
Financially secure;

Not always trying to fit in/not a chameleon; or
Do you exercise a lot of agency over your life, where others would not feel safe to do so or simply can't?

People mostly don't like other people because of their issues/their jealousies/ or their attempts to level you down or control you or rubbish you to make themselves feel secure.

F**k them - the target of other people's pop shots is generally a pretty powerful person.

Just keep smiling and rising above them. Know their problems are that they feel they are in competition with you, and they consider themselves not to be winning.

TheLongRider · 12/09/2022 14:59

Don't make your own world smaller because of what somebody else might think.

If you're always on edge about making the right impression and being liked, people will sense that you're nervous and probably won't engage with you.

Hoppinggreen · 12/09/2022 14:59

My DH says this is my super power. I have no idea how I do it but I really don’t give a shit what 99% of the population think of me. It does get easier with age but I think if you are content with your life it helps too

MarshaBradyo · 12/09/2022 15:01

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/09/2022 14:58

Get older and post menopausal. It's like being reconfigured.

Ha I find this at peri stage

Maybe there’s some socialisation element to female hormones. I feel different now in a good way.

Surtsey · 12/09/2022 15:03

You can't control what other people think, but you can control your own thoughts and response to their rudeness. Don't take anything personally at all. If someone is unpleasant to you, tell yourself it is because they are an unpleasant person, and their behaviour is not due to some failing in yourself.

Oh, and reaching the menopause works wonders for no longer giving a shit!

StirredNotShaken00 · 12/09/2022 15:04

Watching with interest op as I have the same issue!

MsTSwift · 12/09/2022 15:05

Concur with turn 50. Nearly there and every year I care less. Dont like me? That’s your problem pal. The nicey nicey people pleasing hormones drain away. Presumably this is what men feel like all the time? It’s great.

Original poster
Ewetoo · 12/09/2022 15:06

Hoppinggreen · 12/09/2022 14:59

My DH says this is my super power. I have no idea how I do it but I really don’t give a shit what 99% of the population think of me. It does get easier with age but I think if you are content with your life it helps too

It definitely is a superpower! I'm in my late 30s & I find the cliques at the school gate & at my dc's activities very unnerving. I have tried to join in but I'm excluded & information about certain events isn't shared with me etc.. It's very draining & I don't know what I've done wrong, I always make an effort to try & join them..

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 12/09/2022 15:08

Start from the basic assumption that everyone is neutral towards you, as you are to them. They don't know you so don't either like or dislike you, and vice versa.

If there are people you know who are being unpleasant, dismissive or rude and you know that you've done nothing to deserve that behaviour then realise it can only be their problem. Maybe they are hungover, late for an appointment, angry with their partner, grieving for a dead grandparent or a one of a myriad of other reasons - none of which are your fault. If their behaviour is out of character then a quick "hope you're OK" text or, in person, "you look like you need a hug/coffee" can help both of you.

If there are people who are routinely nasty to you then again it's their problem not yours. Build your own self esteem and confidence so that you don't need to give them another thought.

Surtsey · 12/09/2022 15:12

School gate cliques? Bitches, the lot of them.

IT IS NOT YOU, it is definitely them. They are not very nice people. Do you really want to socialise with people like that? Literally the only thing you have in common with them is that your kids are about the same age. If you aren't finding out about activity events, speak to the organiser. If your dc is being excluded from play dates and birthday parties, you just have to suck it up. You need to be fairly thick-skinned to deal with that sort of person. When the kids get a bit older you can happily avoid other parents altogether, I know I did.

Original poster
Ewetoo · 12/09/2022 15:15

I hate it, my ds did very well in an international swim race last week. I put on my social media & not one of the mums in the club commented a well done or text me. I know this is outing but I'm very upset. I always congratulate their dc & wish them well. They have their own clique cheering each others kids on but would ignore my ds...

OP posts:
VatofTea · 12/09/2022 15:18

They are jealous of something.....Ignore the b1tches....get off FB. It's whole purpose is to polarize people, you are giving them power by allowing them the opportunity to ignore you.

WombatChocolate · 12/09/2022 15:19

It’s all about knowing your own self worth.

When you have self-belief in either your own abilities or something else, you can hold your head high, regardless.

Often religious people have a strong sense of their own value and that God loves them. This can give huge self worth and remove the need to people-please. They don’t feel the need to earn the views of others or care what they think.

swedex · 12/09/2022 15:19

Look up mel Robbins and her high 5 habit it's very helpful! X

Twawmyarse · 12/09/2022 15:23

Ewetoo · 12/09/2022 15:15

I hate it, my ds did very well in an international swim race last week. I put on my social media & not one of the mums in the club commented a well done or text me. I know this is outing but I'm very upset. I always congratulate their dc & wish them well. They have their own clique cheering each others kids on but would ignore my ds...

To this I would say (nicely)- stop looking for validation. Especially from people who are not family/friends and who don't really have any connection to you. Maybe they are "cliquey" types who can only exist in a group of likeminded people who fit with their idea of who is friend material and have a self-congratulatory echo chamber on SM etc.? If so, You kind of set yourself up for that one.

In the bigger picture, try to think of yourself and others as specks of dust in the universe - 100 years from now no one will probably know we existed! And there are so many bigger problems in the world - I really couldn't get worked up about people at the school gates who I don't even know not being nice to me. Who cares? They probably just have their little set that they're comfortable with - nothing personal to you.

Look at being content and happy in yourself and with the people who matter in your life.

And yes, being over 40 definitely helps!

LimitIsUp · 12/09/2022 15:28

This is how I do it:

*If people don't like me I assume it's their problem, and its their loss. This may or may not be true (I don't analyse it), but it certainly feels healthier for my self esteem to externalise the issue as their problem, rather than to internalise their rejection and assume it might be something to do with me

*When I am feeling more reasonable and reflective I remind myself that it's okay for people to not like me, there are people that I definitely don't like. We probably don't share the same values. If we have to interact we can still be civil.

*In reality most people don't have a strong reaction to you either way or indeed think about you much - they are too preoccupied with their own stuff

Original poster
Ewetoo · 12/09/2022 15:35

Appreciate the replies, the feeling of isolation is horrible, I honestly don't think I've done anything to deserve it, try my best. If I ask them what meets they're attending they say "oh not sure, nothing booked" but ds tells me after "no Jack is definitely swimming this weekend, coach know he's booked, he said so"...

OP posts:
Skolo · 12/09/2022 15:35

They aren’t thinking about you. They don’t have a problem with you. People are far too preoccupied with their own lives.

MishaBukvic · 12/09/2022 15:36

I think it comes with age. After years and years of being painfully people-pleasing, I gradually stopped caring what people think of me. You'll get there one day, I promise . The people you come across shouldn't affect your life in any huge way, only people you care about and love should be impacting your life .
For me, I think Covid/lockdown helped in a way, and it was a long time coming. I started saying "no" more often, being more firmer with boundaries and that took me towards not caring what people think of me. An example - I used to be ashamed of my hobbies because they arent "cool" hobbies, but as I grew older I realised how ridiculous I was being. I embrace my hobbies now, and don't give a stuff if my peers think I'm sad/boring/silly for my hobbies.
I used to be embarrassed about my house because it isn't a white-instagram-box. Now, I don't care. I've worked hard for my house, and it's in a style I like. Why should I care what any one elses think? It's a home and sanctuary for me and my family, and it doesn't affect anyone elses life, so jog in if you don't like my curtain colours!