Page 7 | How to not give a shit about what people think of you?

Original poster

Ewetoo · 14/09/2022 07:20

UnagiForLife · 12/09/2022 21:59

I was like you. Tried so hard to fit with the cliquey mums when my DC started school, but I always felt on the edge of the group and rubbish about myself, it was exhausting. Then covid happened and I took the opportunity to distance myself from the clique. Now I’ll say a passing hi to a few of them on the school run if I catch their eye but I stand alone, concrete on my kids. Nothing else matters. As long as they’re happy and making friends there it’s not important that I do. It’s so much easier not trying to fit in, just being myself and keeping myself to myself. I’ve found a couple of really nice but quieter people have been more chatty with me at the school gate since I’m not hanging around with the cliquey mums anymore. Also I left social media and that helped A LOT.

That's a very good point, it is easier not trying to fit in...

OP posts:

Hyacinth2 · 14/09/2022 09:03

But there’s your problem, surely, OP. I mean this kindly, but your consuming need for validation and to be liked by people, regardless of your opinion of them, may be off-putting even to perfectly reasonable people.

Well that is how society is portrayed - it's not a consuming need for validation but a wish to be like everyone else (appears to be) .
Tv soaps are all about friendships and fallouts, books are about people and their relationships - not often about solitary beings.
There's only one Chris Packham

WildFlowerBees · 14/09/2022 09:11

What people think of you is none of your business. My mum told me this over and over as a child and have grown up not really caring what others think of me.

Others opinion of you is about them, not your responsibility and not your business. Stay in your own lane, your life is your responsibility don't waste time giving rent free space thinking about others perceived opinions on you.

Witchofthedales · 14/09/2022 09:18

HandbagsnGladrags · 12/09/2022 14:53

You just need to turn 50 and you will no longer give a single shit.

This with bells on.

Original poster

Ewetoo · 14/09/2022 09:50

WildFlowerBees · 14/09/2022 09:11

What people think of you is none of your business. My mum told me this over and over as a child and have grown up not really caring what others think of me.

Others opinion of you is about them, not your responsibility and not your business. Stay in your own lane, your life is your responsibility don't waste time giving rent free space thinking about others perceived opinions on you.

"stay in your own lane" loving this @WildFlowerBees , great advice for a swimming mum! I'm going to put it on a post it☺️ love it!

OP posts:

goldfinchonthelawn · 14/09/2022 16:16

Exclusion bonding is a thing. The excluded is usually someone they feel threatened by. if you are winning at something, they'll make sure you are losing at being included in their twatty club.

Where they possibly sit around dissecting the person they are excluding. If you don't invite someone obvious to the party, then the party is in fact about them, and not about whatever the underlying excuse for the get together is. I've been excluded from cliques, and I've also noticed these clique members trying to gather information about my life and also trying to take video footage of me on their phones. Talk about insane. Seriously if they are ash0les, then you are better off not being part of their group. These groups can be dangerous too.*

@VatofTea - Sadly, I agree and have witnessed the same thing. I got 'excluded' from a clique until they realised I didn;t care. Then they skipped around me, courting me back in. I went on holiday with them in a weirdly detached way just to see how they would behave, and they had excluded a much tighter member of the group. They spent the entire weekend texting her lying about where they were so she didn;t find out they;d all gone on holiday together. Then one of them injured herself and the excluded one wasd a nurse so they had a cobvoluted lie to ensure the nurse would fast track her through A&E but still not find out about their secret holiday. It was beyond pathetic. Women in their forties. After that weekend I had nothing to do with any of them. If I hadn't witnessed it, I wouldn't believe it.

Mary46 · 14/09/2022 16:23

Grown women can be horrible. I try and ignore but yes op its hurtful. I remember temping she had her back to me at lunch it was rude left out of chats. Again grown women so petty!

Original poster

Ewetoo · 14/09/2022 16:30

@goldfinchonthelawn @VatofTea you are so right, exclusion is definitely a form of bonding, seems to be very common in kids sports, music & in some schools...
Ds told me me he was one of the lads on the team last month if they were travelling to the south for a meet before Christmas ... The lad replied "I don't know as you're the only one going & mum said she'll have noone to talk to"... Ds was like "you'll talk to X's mum won't you if they go?" I replied "I've tried many times"...

OP posts:

Bukhara · 14/09/2022 17:03

Hyacinth2 · 14/09/2022 09:03

But there’s your problem, surely, OP. I mean this kindly, but your consuming need for validation and to be liked by people, regardless of your opinion of them, may be off-putting even to perfectly reasonable people.

Well that is how society is portrayed - it's not a consuming need for validation but a wish to be like everyone else (appears to be) .
Tv soaps are all about friendships and fallouts, books are about people and their relationships - not often about solitary beings.
There's only one Chris Packham

But it’s perfectly possible to make and keep friends — be liked and accepted by a small group of people you’ve chosen because you also like them and want to be around them — without feeling an all-consuming desire to feel ‘validated’ by vast groups of other parents at your child’s sport or in the school playground. It’s not either (1) long to be validated by everyone or (b) be a hermit.

VatofTea · 14/09/2022 17:15

goldfinchonthelawn · 14/09/2022 16:16

Exclusion bonding is a thing. The excluded is usually someone they feel threatened by. if you are winning at something, they'll make sure you are losing at being included in their twatty club.

Where they possibly sit around dissecting the person they are excluding. If you don't invite someone obvious to the party, then the party is in fact about them, and not about whatever the underlying excuse for the get together is. I've been excluded from cliques, and I've also noticed these clique members trying to gather information about my life and also trying to take video footage of me on their phones. Talk about insane. Seriously if they are ash0les, then you are better off not being part of their group. These groups can be dangerous too.*

@VatofTea - Sadly, I agree and have witnessed the same thing. I got 'excluded' from a clique until they realised I didn;t care. Then they skipped around me, courting me back in. I went on holiday with them in a weirdly detached way just to see how they would behave, and they had excluded a much tighter member of the group. They spent the entire weekend texting her lying about where they were so she didn;t find out they;d all gone on holiday together. Then one of them injured herself and the excluded one wasd a nurse so they had a cobvoluted lie to ensure the nurse would fast track her through A&E but still not find out about their secret holiday. It was beyond pathetic. Women in their forties. After that weekend I had nothing to do with any of them. If I hadn't witnessed it, I wouldn't believe it.

THEY SOUND INSANE......Almost as insane as my excluded story. All drama llamas, eager for any hook to hang their jealousy and exclusionary behavior on.

Softplayhooray · 14/09/2022 17:27

Ewetoo · 12/09/2022 14:51

Any advice? I find myself constantly wondering why people don't like me, say hello, brush past me etc... I try my best to be polite & friendly at all times... I feel it's really starting to effect my anxiety & I would love some tips on how not to care what people think..

Honestly, get off all social media permanently. It just makes people feel like they're up for public viewing and judging every second of their lives and I'm sure that trickles into every other part of life, and people end up just thinking other people's opinions are more weighty and important than they really are, all the time, and that validation from others is mostly what matters. When you never put your memories, photos, ideas, interests and family up for likes, you become less interested in what others think and its easier to go back to caring more about your own opinions instead.

taxi4ballet · 14/09/2022 23:18

Oh all this cliquey stuff sounds so horribly familiar. The dance world is no different, and I had years and years of it. Some people will stop at nothing to ensure their dc gets ahead of yours. It took me a long time, but I eventually got the hang of being self-contained, adept at simultaneously telling people how marvellous their dc was, and evasive when they asked about mine, all while smiling politely through gritted teeth. Thank goodness I don't have to do it any more.

MsTSwift · 14/09/2022 23:24

Fortunately dd2 is quite crap at dance and always a beat behind everyone else so we are certainly not inspiring jealousy in the other dance mums! These exclusion stories are just crazy.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/09/2022 06:04

Its very very easy for people to say "I don't care what anyone thinks. " This is me, if you don't like me that's your problem". blah blah blah.
However we all care about what people think. I'm certainly not going to pretend I don't.
For example in a job interview you I'm sure whether you're 16 or 60 the "I dont give a shit" brigade care/cared what your potential employer thought

CuriousMama · 15/09/2022 08:46

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/09/2022 06:04

Its very very easy for people to say "I don't care what anyone thinks. " This is me, if you don't like me that's your problem". blah blah blah.
However we all care about what people think. I'm certainly not going to pretend I don't.
For example in a job interview you I'm sure whether you're 16 or 60 the "I dont give a shit" brigade care/cared what your potential employer thought

That's a total different kettle of fish. We're talking about in general day to day life. Worrying about others opinions can cause crippling anxiety. Blah blah.

Hope you're doing ok OP.

Original poster

Ewetoo · 15/09/2022 08:56

Thanks I'm doing OK, just a bit bewildered at their need to exclude me & the obvious effort they put into it.
Ds's main competitor's mum is the worst, (son is fine no issues with him & ds).
@taxi4ballet sounds very similar. Did it affect your child's performance at all? Thanks for sharing your experience :)

OP posts:

CuriousMama · 15/09/2022 09:03

Ewetoo · 15/09/2022 08:56

Thanks I'm doing OK, just a bit bewildered at their need to exclude me & the obvious effort they put into it.
Ds's main competitor's mum is the worst, (son is fine no issues with him & ds).
@taxi4ballet sounds very similar. Did it affect your child's performance at all? Thanks for sharing your experience :)

Just blank her. She's ridiculous.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/09/2022 09:14

CuriousMama · 15/09/2022 08:46

That's a total different kettle of fish. We're talking about in general day to day life. Worrying about others opinions can cause crippling anxiety. Blah blah.

Hope you're doing ok OP.

Show quote history

Worry about can cause crippling anxiety.

You're singing to the choir here.

creamwitheverything · 15/09/2022 10:05

HI OP
You keep your circle small. People who love and care for you will always think and want the best for you. The previous posters are right ageing is really marvellous,Your confidence grows in your own abilities.style,and self and it does make you stand tall and not even give any headspace to irrelevent things. It is very freeing! I will give you one example ..me! I had a child and went through the school years in much angst,Was I doing the right thing,wearing the right thing ,talking the right things,fitting in being accepted..oh god I tied myself in knots for the acceptance of people who simply did not matter and who normally I wouldnt even look twice at but there you go! I later ,much later had another child so one at university ready to graduate and a baby and started all over again! Only this time its fantastic. I do not give one shiny shite about anyones opinion ,sometimes even the teachers! I have seen it all before ,done it all before and now know whats important,whats right,whats wrong and most of it now goes over my head, I am happier,confident and my head is up. I now watch all the young,new parents right where I was all those years ago and I giggle to myself.The fitting in ,the play dates ,the one upmanship ,the right mobile,the right lipstick etc well it is truly laughable and I feel free,Not bogged down with anything and life is amazing! You find your voice and and you fine your tolerence is reserved for only the things that enhance your life, even the minor irritations of life when you are a bit older do not bog you down so much.I live my life by thinking If I fuck up I can always get out by paying and to 99% of life this is true,Knowing this is freeing too. I literally float through life on more or less my own terms and people either fit in with me or they be gone! I do not have time nor do I wish to cajole anyone to stay around or bend myself to please anymore. It happens quite naturally you will see I promise you. As you age a little from 40s I woud say in my case NO becomes so much easier and I find I cannot be guilt tripped into anything,its brilliant! With that last bit comes the exception of my family of course who even know can and do bend me everyway possible and to be honest they are the onky thing that ever matters to me so I am ok with that bit!!!!

Original poster

Ewetoo · 15/09/2022 11:16

@creamwitheverything it's shit isn't it! I truely am doing my best to not bother with them since I've posted this. I've been on mumsnet for years & I am always amazed at how supportive other mumsnetters are at times like this. I actually feel I'd be lost with it!

OP posts:

creamwitheverything · 15/09/2022 12:52

Hang on in there lovely lady you will get there! x

taxi4ballet · 15/09/2022 14:24

Ewetoo · 15/09/2022 08:56

Thanks I'm doing OK, just a bit bewildered at their need to exclude me & the obvious effort they put into it.
Ds's main competitor's mum is the worst, (son is fine no issues with him & ds).
@taxi4ballet sounds very similar. Did it affect your child's performance at all? Thanks for sharing your experience :)

Classical ballet isn't really competition-based, but she did do a lot of auditions and workshops, especially in the year before she went into full-time training. It didn't really affect her all that much, as all the dancers were in the same boat and supported each other, and she made several really close friends. To be honest, the people I got on best with were either the parents of boys, or those whose dd's were in a different year group, so there was no rivalry, as it were.

BogRollBOGOF · 15/09/2022 14:29

I always stood out a bit at school, not local, quirky, unusual family and it wasn't uncommon for me to get flack from people through school life, and took years to really find my "tribe" rather than have friends who were the other left over all-sorts who were thrown together.
I remember walking home at about 13 and hearing laughter and paranoia kicked that they were laughing at me. Then a little voice in my head piped up "who cares if they are laughing at me, I like me"

I knew what I was good at (and what I wasn't), I knew what I enjoyed and put back into school life. Teachers liked me and I knew I was a decent person. I had enough self confidence to do what I wanted to do and not bail out because I lacked a pack of friends with the same interests.

I won't pretend that I've never longed to fit in with groups since or haven't found loneliness in a crowded room, but I don't need everyone to like me and I'd rather be myself than play-act a different version of myself.
I'm comfortable with my own company (I do wonder if that puts some people off because they don't know how to deal with it). Some people just don't cope well with non-conforming. Most people are wrapped in their own world and don't think about much beyond their immediate circle. When you realise that actually you don't really care that they don't like you and you actually don't like them, it's liberating. I have encountered people that you're thrown with regularly that struggle with basic manners, and they're really not worth hankering after.

It does suck when that type interfere with children's friendships/ activities though, but they'll hit issues with that approach as children become more independent.

Deathraystare · 15/09/2022 16:13

When I was quite young it really hurt one day when a 'friend' walked away from me to go with another friend (they were a bit older).

As for social media, I never post pics and only really speak to my friends. I do 'like' peoples cakes/cats/cockatoos/ ghosts etc etc but never post publicly for attention/praise etc. Ain't gonna happen!

I don't have kids/show ponies etc etc so am not eagerly awaiting praise for whatever they have done and I doubt anyone would ever praise a cake I baked. I haven't baked in years! There is only me! So glad I don't have to deal with the school gate mafia!

I am happy with a small gang of friends and would be surprised if anyone felt strongly enough about me either way!

Travellingwomble · 15/09/2022 17:25

If they are actively trying to keep you out of the group then they're not the kind of people you would want to be with. Forge ahead on your own steam. You decide who is good enough to be your friend, not whether you are good enough to be theirs.