How to not give a shit about what people think of you?

[Ewetoo]

Any advice? I find myself constantly wondering why people don't like me, say hello, brush past me etc... I try my best to be polite & friendly at all times... I feel it's really starting to effect my anxiety & I would love some tips on how not to care what people think..

1. Those people are cowardly and socially weak, they aren't interested in making the effort to reach out and ensure everyone is included. I would not try to seek their approval.

1. I have been so so much happier since abandoning Facebook. I set up a second account with a different name so that I could still follow groups I like with people I don't know, but I no longer have to give any brain space to worrying over how people react to my posts or comments, or feeling envious.

Over the course of my half century on this planet, I have learned two things about people:
1, The majority of them are idiots, therefore their opinions about anything, including me, can and should be disregarded.
2, People will think what they want to think. I cannot control that, therefore it is a completely pointless waste of time for me to worry about it.

Therapy.. years of it most likely. This will have formed in childhood and been reinforced for years. Its not going to be solved overnight. I did like 'the subtle art of not giving a fuck' though. Best of luck.

Oh and Elizabeth day talks a lot about being a people pleaser on her episode of how not to fail and in her books.

Im 38 and only in the past year have I felt like some kind of change in myself. It is incredibly freeing!!! I am also much more at ease at people not liking me. I know I am a good person. It is definitely a case of self worth.

I now turn my thoughts away from me and onto them and it helps me incredibly. Today I saw someone I hadn’t for ages and was excited to see her. She gave me a lukewarm reception. So I was pleasant but moved on. I thought about it in a fleeting way “she might be tired, had an argument etc. anything!”
Then I saw her laughing with another group of mums ( this would have upset me dearly)

Over the years I’ve felt so left out and brushed off. I’ve been bullied my whole life by different people. But now I realise that 99% of the time it isn’t actually about me.

Please don’t dwell on the school mums.
Just literally stop trying. Try and find one person who you feel comfortable with. Focus on things that actually matter. Don’t look for validation from others and definitely not likes on social media. I left social media and I never looked back!

Congratulations on your DS doing well in the swim race - that must have made you so proud.

As an autistic woman I'm used to being the outsider and have become inured to it over time. But when it relates to your DC, yeah that's tough. I remember posting an adorable picture of my DC as a baby on a baby group WhatsApp and not one of those cowbags commented to say she looked cute.

Sorry my message didn’t make sense - I saw the other mum laughing with the other mums - I once would have found this upsetting. But I didn’t. I actually thought “she prefers their company and mom totally fine with that”

It is so freeing to not be anxious about it all!

“I’m totally fine with that”

Just decide how many people you truly think are wonderful or talented or funny or kind hearted people. Realise it's almost none, then move on.

Just commenting so I can come back to read the comments as I have a similar issue. I didn’t know I had social anxiety until 2 years ago and it’s like now I know I have it, I worry about it cropping up before meeting people then because I’m worrying of course it does crop up and I end up panicking. I put my loss of confidence and sudden anxiety down to being a teacher and being scrutinised for too long. I’m about to quit my job as I’ve decided life is too short to have a ‘safe’ job but spend the whole thing worrying

I've never given a shit even as a teen. I was stunning too so did get jealousy. I had friends though. Now I'm a lot older and am very sociable. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea but that's ok. I'm popular because I love people. I enjoy making people happy. But I don't like ignorance. Shy is different.
I only ever made 1 friend at the school gate. She's still my friend now. There's a lot of cliques and it can feel weird. But I just ignored them. I did used to chat to a nice childminder but if she wasn't around I stood away from the others and just chatted to my friend if she was there.

I hope people on here have helped. I do agree with not looking for validation from acquaintances. Good luck.

Some great advice. I guess I thought as us swim mums were in the same boat early mornings (5.30 pool starts 3 times a week), late evenings, meets all over the country that we have common ground & could support each other..

Tricky one & something I’ve struggled with myself.

There’s a couple of people in my life who I feel don’t like me, but I’m unsure why. I used to spend ages going over things in my head and trying to figure it out. Then one day I had the realisation that I don’t actually like them either!

As I’ve got older I’ve found it easier to accept some people simply won’t like me, but as long as I can say I’m a good person that’s fine.

What’s helped is making a couple of friends who DO like me. At one point my life was just full of the people who didn’t appear to like me & that was not a great situation. But now I have a few good, supportive friends it’s easier to accept not being universally liked.

I also accept I’m the kind of person who 50% of people will think is funny / great and 50% of people will find irritating. But I’d rather be like that than the person who is so bland 98% of people don’t even know who I am!

There's some really good advice on here. I used to be very socially anxious (is that the same as being shy?) but you would never guess that now.

It took me years of working on myself though to get where I am now, I'm honestly like a different person!

You need to work on your self worth, like a pp said, you are seeking validation from others when it needs to come from within. This work involves doing CBT on yourself and basically, faking it till you make it. You need to develop your self-awareness for this, so you can catch yourself at the start of an unhelpful thought pattern and change it before it does it's damage.

It's nerve wracking at first, but if you want it enough and are prepared to put in some serious mental work, it can be done.

I would start with googling the same question you asked us and see what comes up. I find that the articles on Psychology Today are very helpful normally.

I'll try all these techniques, feeling a little better reading these threads.. It makes me a bit sad as Ds has picked up on it to an extent... He's asked in the past why we don't go for dinner with the other parents after comps or why don't I go for the Sat morning coffee after the early swim😢

Totally agree!

It comes with age, For me it happened when I hit my forties. It was almost like I woke up one day a realised that I actually truly didn’t give a shit…very liberating.

Sorry op, that’s not very helpful to you right now though,💐

Can you start your own clique? That’s what I have done whenever I’ve felt left out of a group - formed a better one! Our book club made up entirely of those whose other friends talked about book clubs but didn’t invite them to join! Ours is now the best one

Sometimes they simply have their group clique dynamic already mapped out. 1 person is the leader, another few might be a group of sycophants. They might have slotted people into roles and whatever personality type you have, might question the stability of the clique, or the role you might bring might already be taken. Seriously, who wants to sit around with a group of very boring mums.

Mum talk - where all you have in common is kids activities is incredibly tedious and competitive and petty. Think of it as a relief that you don't have to deal with them.

As soon as you are aloof and mysterious, they will be eyeing you up trying to find out the gossip in your life. Being in the clique is equally as damaging or more damaging than being outside of it.

Maybe try and explain to him without making it obvious they're being mean? Is he doing ok making friends?

Is there anyone else who stands alone?

It's actually a form of bullying to leave someone out on purpose. Unless they were particularly annoying and spoiled things obviously. But you sound lovely OP.

That's worse. They're even worse than I thought.
Maybe put your headphones on and listen to a podcast. Out to lunch are good ones. Shame it wasn't later you could have rang someone. You can ring me on an evening if you want? I'm lovely 😊

No he's fine, gets along with everyone & he's popular. Enjoys his swimming very much, even the 5.30 practices before school. He's always happy for his team mates, has no social media & has never had a problem with bullying or exclusion. So I'm very happy for that!

Yep second poster hit the nail on the head. I'm 55 and I don't give a flying f. It's liberating.

Appreciate everyone who has taken the time to advise me. It's hard going especially as so much of our lives are tied up in DSs swimming, other dc swim too but not at the same level. I'm just glad he's happy.

I love this