How to not give a shit about what people think of you?

[Ewetoo]

Any advice? I find myself constantly wondering why people don't like me, say hello, brush past me etc... I try my best to be polite & friendly at all times... I feel it's really starting to effect my anxiety & I would love some tips on how not to care what people think..

OP, wrt the swim mums. It sounds as if they are a clique. The only way to deal with a clique is to truly not give a stuff about it,. If DS asks again why you don;t go for coffee with them, just say: tehy are a close knit group of friends and don;t know me. That's fine. We're here for you to swim, not for me to make friends.

I have a friend who wrote a novel while her DS did early morning swim practise - and she sold it to a mainstream publisher. Get something to occupy you while their darlings swim and just cheer on your own DS when he swims. Encourage him to build healthy friendships wherever he can but if the swim lot are cliquey, don't try to ingratiate yourselves with them.

This this this. My grandmother used to stress about 'what will the neighbours think' and I used to point out she wouldn't know, so why did she care?

Age. But wisdom, mostly. As you get older and experience more things, people become more predictable and you find yourself caring much less. Often times the more shit you go through, the less you care about things. You start to become detached from the things or people that give you grief.

If anything, as you get older, you'll begin to care more for the things you didn't care about when you were younger and less for the things you cared about a lot when you were younger.

I'm going to be 35 soon. I'm hoping to become a mum at some point, but I haven't been able to get that far yet. Although, I'm hoping the less I give a shit about whatever life decides to throw at me, the sooner it'll happen.

Best wishes to you, OP xx.

I'm the same age and the same mind as you. The only reason I regret no longer wearing masks is because I can't go around muttering 'Eff off you stupid tosser' at people.

Who says you can't?? I never got the memo ;-)

Thats awful ewetoo. I find women can be jealous. I remember my friend say oh he wont be handed a car (her son). My son had saved hard for his... Mean. I find aswell at 50 Im trying ignore things more. Its hard though. Well done on his swimming. I hate school cliques too

Try not to attach any meaning to what other people do, most of the time they don't know why or what they are going on about themselves. Prioritise yourself, have firm boundaries be very polite though, no excuse for bad manners, and focus on your own values and goals. That way you can work towards leading a fulfilling life. If that involves helping others it's on your terms.

I came on to say that but about turning 40!

I know how you feel OP.

I hated and still hate groups so only ever had one friend at a time in high school. It did not work so well when said friend branched out into other friendships. I was dropped three times and it knocked my confidence for six. I spent a lot of time in the library at college as I did not fit into any groups. University was slightly different, though I did not have friends for life as others appear to.

I have been excluded in two workplaces I.e. not invited to lunch, on special occasions. It hurt but I pretended not to notice as they whispered arrangements to meet on the high St so as not to make it obvious they were going on a team lunch.

I have a few friends and have always enjoyed my own company which is a good thing. I went through a weird phase in my 20's by pushing to be outgoing and lively when it really was not me.

I now accept who am. I do not exist to persuade others like me.

to like me.

Ask yourself the practical question of why these people's opinions matter.

For instance you make a prat of yourself somehow in a shop, how does the people who saw that's opinion on it impact you? If at all?

But people being rude or whatever, that's on them. You can't control that, and that's how they need to be in life so it's not really anything to do with you.

Focus on what you do like instead of what you don't. Be thankful you are not like that, and feel sorry for them that they are.

Love this

But can't you see you possibly have nothing in common with these mums?

Why pursue it

Go spend time with people you actually like

I spent a lot of time on the sidelines watching my DC do competitive sport

In all those years I actually only made 1 new friend with another mum there

For the rest it was just random chitchat with random people who happened to be in the same place

They don't ask you for coffee after all your DC have been swimming together, that sucks to be the only one not invited and is incredibly unkind.

Although you feel like you all have something in common as swim mums, perhaps these women don't really have much in common with each other. I've noticed that sometimes superficial cliques use the exclusion of one person as a form of bonding.

Totally agree - the exclusion bonding is a thing. The excluded is usually someone they feel threatened by. if you are winning at something, they'll make sure you are losing at being included in their twatty club.

Where they possibly sit around dissecting the person they are excluding. If you don't invite someone obvious to the party, then the party is in fact about them, and not about whatever the underlying excuse for the get together is. I've been excluded from cliques, and I've also noticed these clique members trying to gather information about my life and also trying to take video footage of me on their phones. Talk about insane. Seriously if they are as*h0les, then you are better off not being part of their group. These groups can be dangerous too.

It’s also an environment, like little league sport and ballet, that has competition as its reason for being. It will be full of petty jealousies, rivalry, hothousers and parents living through their kids’ achievements and ‘potential’. It might not be as blatant as Sunday football or as snobbish as ballet, but it’s the same dynamics.

Hahahahahahahaha.....I was going to say the exact same thing.

Yes op you dont need nasty cliques. Its hurtful though. I agree Im caring less at 49 what people think of me

But there’s your problem, surely, OP. I mean this kindly, but your consuming need for validation and to be liked by people, regardless of your opinion of them, may be off-putting even to perfectly reasonable people. It can come across as suggesting desperation, poor self-esteem, and — crucially — as though you’re not actually at all engaged with the actual person in front of you, because all you’re thinking about is yourself and how you’re coming across. Nerves and self-consciousness can come across as not dissimilar to arrogance or self-absorption, because in both you’re only really thinking about yourself.

Ironically, you will make friends more easily if you come at it from the position of ‘Which of these people do I like? Who might be a potential friend?’ rather than a blanket attempt to be accepted by everyone, whether you like them or not.

I do know what it’s like to feel excluded — I spent eight years in a village where I just didn’t gel at all, despite being a socially-confident person who had never struggled with friendships — but that was just a poor match of person and environment, and no one’s ‘fault’.

I moved countries before the first lockdown, and while that was a challenging time to make friends as I wasn’t working initially, in the eight weeks between our move and schools shutting, I immediately found people I liked among other parents, and suggested coffee or a playdate if DS (then 8) liked their child. Obviously not all these turned into friendships, which is fine — my point is only that you shouldn’t try to ingratiate yourself with large groups of people you only know because of a child’s hobby or because they’re at the same school, and then get upset when they don’t ‘accept’ you. You might as well get upset that people at your regular bus stop don’t like you.

Centre your self and focus on who you like, and might want to know better — think about what you bring to a friendship. Work on your self-esteem and on happiness within yourself. Don’t behave as if you’re a slightly shopsoiled sale garment expecting to be passed over.

Well you CAN, and I do, it's just that the mask made it less obvious. 😊I've just argued for mask wearing, haven't I?

Damn.

Thanks everyone. There was one mum who used only text or speak to me to see if I knew of any upcoming meets or what my Ds was doing as in what training sessions & which coaching team. Once she got her information she would blank me & join the clique again until next time she wanted info. I'm more guarded now but they would never divulge information to me...

These people are not your friends. They are more like work colleagues, as will be your son and his swim mates - to pass the time of day with, share info on where swimsuits are on sale etc. but once your kid stops swimming you will never see most of these people again. My kid has just left a sport where they performed at elite level. In 10 years I have made 2 proper friends (we continue go for boozy lunches even though their kids left the sport years ago), lots of friends for a season while the kids are on the same team, lots of Facebook friends, and dozens I’ll not remember in a year or two. The point is, you don’t need to worry what people think of you. The vast majority are transient and if you’re lucky there’ll be a few who stick. Another thing that might help is to think really hard about what you want and then to just do it. If they laugh, so what? It says more about them than it does about you.

Feel alot better after posting here, mumsnet is so helpful at times like this.

They sound mean and rude. Fuck them!

Thanks for the fighting talk 😁