I've messed up dd's uni

[SewhereIam]

Dd starts uni this year. She is sharing accommodation with her boyfriend. His family are more comfortably off than me, and paid the deposit and the first month's rent, which was incredibly kind.

I am on universal credit, and we break even every month. Dd informed me three days ago that they get the keys for their flat at the weekend, but term doesn't start for another month, and she doesn't receive any student finance until then either.

Dd wants to move in this weekend, and for me to get them their food shopping until term starts. She will also need money until her loan comes in. I can't afford it, I have £150 left in my bank account and more bills coming out on the 1st.

Her boyfriend gets a large stipend every month from his family, whereas dd doesn't. I feel like I have set her up to fail and have left her destitute and don't know what to do.

Does she not have a part time job? You’ve messed up nothing.

Can she find pt work?

This is your DDs issue, not yours. She's not been set up to fail, she has unreasonable expectations. She cannot give you three days notice to ask for a months worth of spending / bill money, and you to provide food for two people. Her boyfriend has a different set of circumstances, but she needs to live to hers - not his. If she wants to move in before her loan, she needs to find the money by working or something else.

If she is choosing to move in earlier than required and without the student loan to cover it, I'd expect her to fund that time.

You haven't failed her at all.

Why is she not working? My family could not afford to help me out at all when I started uni, so I had to work whenever I didn’t have lectures, plus weekends.

You haven't messed up anything. If they want to move in before her student loan kicks in, she needs to get a job, just like thousands of other students do. There are loads of jobs vacancies in hospitality, so she should be fine. Don't pander to her and don't try and keep up with her boyfriend's better off parents.

No, you haven’t failed her, she must know money is tight for you. Tell her you hadn’t budgeted for this and if they want to move in early, then BF will have to pay for food. It’s not a bad idea going early, she may be able to get a job before all the other students try applying.

As others have said, she really needs to get a job. Where I live, there are plenty of things available for students at the moment so it’s a good time to be looking.
You could, maybe, give her the amount you would’ve spent on her food had she been at home, but you really don’t have to. And there is no need to feel bad because the boyfriend’s family can afford more.

She’s an adult
she is choosing to move out of your house go live with her BF when she know she has no money
she’s not having to go to school… she can work
it’s not your fault
by 18 I’m assuming she is aware of your finances, she cannot expect for you to suddenly have a pot of money to give her
if you want to help, help her find a job, really she doesn’t need to move in

Please don’t feel you failed her. We financially ok(ish) but my daughter who is returning for her 2nd year hasn’t asked for anything towards the new house share or food/bills etc.
She has worked over the summer and also works in term time and saved up, in preparation of moving into house.

Part of going to university is growing up and starting to sort things out for yourself. If she chooses to go early, that's up to her to sort out the implications of financial issues.

can you do a small budget essential shop?
otherwise does she have a student bank account so she can get a loan?

As soon as I was 16 I had to go to college Monday to Friday and work 8.45-6.30 Saturday and Sunday.

i saved up various foods for months for dd, she was not impressed and she was embarrased and kept it in her room.
she was ok in the end as she did use the tins

can you provide any tins of food?

Thank you all so much for your replies, I thought I was going to get torn to shreds! Thank you.

She had a job during her last year at college but it finished before her exams and she hasn't managed to find another yet. She is a very down to earth, diligent person which is why this has thrown me for a loop.

Agree with pp, surely she knew you were on UC/low income. Has she not worked/saved anything?

She needs to be honest with her bf. She wanted to be a big girl and move in with the boy, so time for big girl conversations. My money doesn't come in until X, if we're moving in Y, I'm short by D, Mom hasn't got it to lend me. And she needs a job

You've messed up nothing. If she wants to move in early she'll need to find the money herself.

I’m be helped my daughter out paid deposit etc however she has been working part time for the last year to save money, her boyfriend also worked long hours all summer to support himself. Why hasn’t your daughter stepped up here herself!

Why hasn't she been working and putting money aside for this?

You haven't messed up your DD has. She'll have to stay with you until her loans come in/she gets a part time job.

But she didn't know when she was signing a legally binding contract, didn't save any money and expected her low income Mom to fix it. Too late now but doesn't sound like she's ready for study a big move

Sounds like she’s taking the piss. Why couldn’t she work since her exams?

You haven't failed her, except possibly allowing her to be become so spoiled/entitled she breezily informs you that you've got to buy all her shopping for a month. But even then, it might be pressure from her boyfriend or some other factor.

You'll just have to say no.

And to any kind MNers thinking of offering you money: the boyfriend can buy their shopping.

What about her student bank account overdraft as an emergency whilst she gets a new job?

She can't move in until her finance comes through unless her boyfriend foots the bill. She can't just give you 3 days notice and expect you to cough up!

Tell her to apply for work near her new uni. Bars and restaurants and fast food chains are her best bet