I've messed up dd's uni

[SewhereIam]

Dd starts uni this year. She is sharing accommodation with her boyfriend. His family are more comfortably off than me, and paid the deposit and the first month's rent, which was incredibly kind.

I am on universal credit, and we break even every month. Dd informed me three days ago that they get the keys for their flat at the weekend, but term doesn't start for another month, and she doesn't receive any student finance until then either.

Dd wants to move in this weekend, and for me to get them their food shopping until term starts. She will also need money until her loan comes in. I can't afford it, I have £150 left in my bank account and more bills coming out on the 1st.

Her boyfriend gets a large stipend every month from his family, whereas dd doesn't. I feel like I have set her up to fail and have left her destitute and don't know what to do.

Why isn't she in halls? She'll have a shock when she has to start paying rent AND bills. Probably too late now but what happens if she splits up with her boyfriend ? Sorry, not the point of your OP at all. She's an adult, she must know money is tight if you're on UC.

Bottom line is, she can't afford to move in with BF a month early. Why have they got a flat a month before they need it? Was this BF's idea, which is why his parents are paying the first month's rent?
DD should have sorted a job to fund all this, but she is 18 and obviously not as grown up as she thinks.
Given that she must know your financial situation, I'd be wondering if there is pressure coming form BF, who may not quite appreciate quite how skint you are?
Anyway, maybe you could manage a month's worth of porridge, pasta and tins of tomato from Lidl, so she won't starve, and she can top it up from whatever job she finds. Maybe she has birthday/christmas money stashed?
I haven't read the whole thread, but can her father contribute anything? or grandparents? Sorry if you've already discussed this.
If all of this is not doable, then she just won't be able to move in early.

If she's mature enough to live with her boyfriend then she should also be able to support herself. If she wasn't going to uni but still moving in with him, would you feel obliged to support her? This is totally different from just sharing a flat with friends, in my view - it's completely moving out of home.

She’s going to have to get a job. Not all students get hand outs from their parents. I certainly didn’t

Presumably because he/his family have covered the entire deposit as well as the first months rent?

On the other hand it’s highly expected that parents support their adult children through uni financially.

With their basic needs. Not moving in and incurring costs a month before needed and expecting parents to have a magic money tree.

Its not your fault and technically it’s not your problem BUT I was your DD and it was horrible feeling like all of my peers had a safety net and freedom I never did because their parents could help them whereas mine couldn’t

Of course it is not nice not having unlimited funds when others appear to, but that is the reality of life, someone always has more than you. Huge difference between "couldn't" and "wouldn't" too. If your parents can't they simple can't and they should NEVER be made to feel guilty about that.

She sounds entitled. If she can't afford to move out she doesn't move out.

I think to be honest, the first year should be in halls. There’s a reason for this - it’s cheaper!

The boyfriends parents have paid the first months rent but then what? Has she not signed herself up to 50% of an expensive flat with no way to pay? Even after the first year, with a job, I could only afford to share with about 5 others! Nobody was coupled up in flats. We couldn’t afford it.

Not your fault. But she doesn’t seem to have thought this through. She needs a job asap but maybe also a rethink!

I would be pretty pissed off that his family have facilitated this situation (presuming 1st years). So no I wouldn't be feeling bad about not being able to support for them to play house before they can fund it. I think you need to be less grateful about what they have done as essentially they have set up potential issues which could impact your daughters university experience.

You haven't messed anything up. She has not thought things through, and that's her issue to sort by getting a job. This is a life lesson, and if she wants to live like an adult, she'll need to grow up some.

You haven't messed up at all. Entirely agree with pp.

I think she will either have to wait to move in when her course starts or find a job PDQ, or arrange an overdraft or credit card.

I got the full grant nearly when I went to university in the 1990s and it just about covered rent and books (oh to have a grant though at all) and my parents couldn't afford to give me the amounts to support me they were supposed to be able to (IIRC the government's calculations only took into account mortgage interest or something daft like that and they had a lot of debt after the recession, mum had a CCJ, they were not high earners anyway and they nearly lost the house). My mum just used to give me the odd tenner or so when I came home. I had the full loan (a princely sum of £1000) which lasted me three months, then I got a PT job which kept me going until the end of the year. Then in my second year I got a job near home I could return to in holidays - doing FT hours for a week or so at Christmas, a few weeks in summer, then meant I didn't have to work in term time.

That's what DD1 plans to do - she has had a PT job since she turned 16 and will work there in the holidays, but might need a term time job as well.

OP you haven't failed anyone.
As a PP said the hospitality industry is crying out for staff at the moment and your DD could of got a job during the summer break.
A friends DS not wanting a large dept on leaving uni worked in a supermarket while not in lectures and managed to buy most things from his wage and build a savings pot....also had a discount card for buying goods from there, worked out very well as he was prepared and knew he'd have to contribute.

I think to be honest, the first year should be in halls. There’s a reason for this - it’s cheaper!

Not always. Halls can be expensive these days. I'm not looking forward to seeing how much they will put the rent up in 2023 what with energy costs.

I feel like you are getting some harsh responses... can I just say well done to you for raising your DD to the stage she is going to uni - this is an amazing achievement, especially with the pandemic shitting all over this age group so relentlessly. You should be really proud of yourself.

This situation is a bit tricky but nothing your DD can't overcome with a bit of guidance from you.

Tell her you just can't afford it, and she'll need to wait until her loan comes in.

I know it's hard to say no and you feel rotten and like you're letting her down, but you're not. You just don't have it.

We must be reading different threads. Everyone has told the OP she hasn't messed up!

Has your DD planned this out? It sounds like her BFs parents had agreed to pay for a place for him and she's sort of tagging along. A private rental is a lot more expensive than halls, was the agreement his parents will always pay rent and bills or is she going to need to pay half? How much is half? how much student loan is she getting?

In the kindest way it sounds like she's been swept up in the romance of moving in with her partner and not given much thought to the practicalities. She also needs a backup plan if they find it doesn't work out living together.

You also need to be very clear that you will not be able to offer her any financial support and you need to figure out a sensible budget and she needs to be very realistic that her and her partner have different financial circumstances and this will have an impact on them and their relationship particularly if he can afford to go out a lot or get a lot of take outs for example

Univ lecturer here and parent of student.
You have not let her down. What she is proposing to do is not usual. Most students head to uni at the start of term and get their student finance then. If she wants to move out early she’ll need to pay for this.

You haven't messed up anything this is hers to sort. Has she had a part-time job all summer? she should of and could of - my son has!

Dd wants to move in this weekend, and for me to get them their food shopping until term starts

This is your DD's problem, not yours. If she doesn't get her student finance until the start of term, her choices are either not moving in until then, or moving in and having her boyfriend pay for food. She's being overly demanding of you.

How old is she, by the way? Because if she's 18/19 I would strongly advise against starting university living with a boyfriend. A lot of relationships do not survive more than a term at university and if they split up, she's going to be stuck.

Neither of my sons needed to get jobs. Neither drink or smoke, that helps.
Both now employed ft before you all jump.

You have all been incredibly kind and helpful, thank you.

It is in student accomodation, but it is a studio self enclosed apartment. It's one of the new blocks of accomodation that have bills included etc, but are a bit snazzier than old school halls. Between them the rent isn't extortionate (£400 each) but if just one of them was paying it it would be high.

Her boyfriend is absolutely lovely, they compliment each other so well and have been together a long time, but there have been a lot of talks about what would happen if they broke up mid year.

Dd is entitled to the full means tested loan but we have no other family to help financially. We have had a chat and she has agreed that she will get her "portion" of the food budget for the next month, but also won't fully move in until next month. The uni is thankfully close enough that she can do a few nights with bf and a few nights here (he has a car and so do I, so we can do the travelling between us).

Thank you all for all your help xx

OP, presumably your DD gets the full student loan? Is she going away to uni, or is it in her home area?
If she is on full loan, you, as a parent, are not expected to contribute. I assume if BF is well off he may be on minimum loan where parents are expected to top up to the full amount. The situations are different and you shouldn't feel you need to contribute in the same way as his parents because they will be topping up a smaller loan in reality.

Does her uni really begin in a month? That's quite late.

If there is no money she needs to minimise expenditure until that first loan payment comes in (last week September usually). Getting a job is a red herring at this point as that wouldn't instantly release funds. I do find it a bit odd that she doesn't have anything put aside from the job you say she did have though?

BTW, it isn't true per a PP that uni owned accommodation doesn't take payments until first student loan comes through. That would be great. It's not common , though!

"so she asks her mum to struggle, maybe she needs a life lesson on budgeting."

Yeah, but no life lesson on budgeting should begin with "don't move into halls and instead use your overdraft to tide you over until you've started" . She needs to stay at home until she can finance it, just like her Mum thought she was going to.

"The student overdraft is there for precisely this reason, to tide you over with accommodation deposits etc until your loan comes through"

No it's not! Please don't teach your kids this. It's for emergencies, if you go into halls you won't pay until your finance comes in.