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Original poster

I've messed up dd's uni

264 replies

SewhereIam · 31/08/2022 10:17

Dd starts uni this year. She is sharing accommodation with her boyfriend. His family are more comfortably off than me, and paid the deposit and the first month's rent, which was incredibly kind.

I am on universal credit, and we break even every month. Dd informed me three days ago that they get the keys for their flat at the weekend, but term doesn't start for another month, and she doesn't receive any student finance until then either.

Dd wants to move in this weekend, and for me to get them their food shopping until term starts. She will also need money until her loan comes in. I can't afford it, I have £150 left in my bank account and more bills coming out on the 1st.

Her boyfriend gets a large stipend every month from his family, whereas dd doesn't. I feel like I have set her up to fail and have left her destitute and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
OldFan · 01/09/2022 19:07

You haven't messed up anything @SewhereIam . In the late 90s, I was lucky enough that my mum paid for me to go up early as I couldn't stand being at home.

But a lot of parents wouldn't or couldn't do this (it might be more common nowadays when children seem to have their whims indulged more, but still there will be plenty of parents who can't or won't do it.)

She needs to know your financial situation and not hold it against you. It doesn't grow on trees. If she wants to go up then they can rely on whatever money the boyf has, though that might be a bit bleak for her.

JumpingPiglets · 01/09/2022 19:07

Why is she co-habiting at 18 with a boyfriend? What will happen if they break up? What a stifling way to experience uni. Worse than living in the parental home throughout.

Miisty · 01/09/2022 19:11

My daughter worked in the holidays to fund herself and this is what she should have done and saved the money .She knows you are hard up and cost of living only going to get worse she needs to stand on her own 2feet

OldFan · 01/09/2022 19:12

Why is she co-habiting at 18 with a boyfriend?

@JumpingPiglets I liked it as I thought it was more mature than being in halls. But of course it meant that when I split up with the boyf, (after I had a fling with an older guy and dumped my sappy boyf) which I think could even have been before uni started, I couldn't afford my lovely 'studio flat' I adored and had to move into halls.

Bollindger · 01/09/2022 19:12

Tell your DD to speak to the Accomadation, as they normally are willing to wait till the loans arrive for payment.

OldFan · 01/09/2022 19:14

@Bollindger Private landlords? I can't see that happening as the people could do a runner before they pay anything.

SavBbunny · 01/09/2022 19:15

@SewhereIam have you got this sorted now?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/09/2022 19:21

Is she wants to move in early with her boyfriend, then she gets a job and pays for it. Why is she expecting you to pay for it? She's an adult now.

ivykaty44 · 01/09/2022 19:30

she hasn't managed to find another yet.

yet there are waiting on tables, bar jobs, housekeeping etc in almost every area - where I am we have just had 3 students leave for uni after the summer when they've been working.

There is a National shortage of staff in hospitality

Oddbobbyboo · 01/09/2022 19:34

She needs to open a student bank account with an overdraft and use this to fall back on. She will be entitled to one. Most banks offer this. I imagine your financial situation will mean she gets a full student loan. She’ll be able to work June/July/August to repay what she’s spent x first year is an invaluable learning curve x

Bollindger · 01/09/2022 19:38

No we used the big private flats near the Uni, they rent out rooms in the flats, and you pay £250 deposit and they wait till your grant comes in, then you pay them the term.
Honest ask them, so long as the Child is signed up to Uni they are fine, done it for 5 years of uni so far, for several children,

jamdonut · 01/09/2022 19:43

This sounds awful, but apart from actually helping my three kids physically move, and giving my financial details to student finances, I had no input into their university choices… they dealt with it all by themselves, and got jobs to fund themselves. There’s no way I could have offered any cash at the time, I didn’t have any spare! All three got full funding from student finance.
I really think your daughter needs a reality check. Perhaps she could ‘borrow’ some money from the boyfriend/his family and pay it back when her finance comes in?

katepilar · 01/09/2022 19:44

Sorry you feel like you have messed up when you havent at all.
I thought the post was going to be about how she was chucked out of her course or something.

CactusBlossom · 01/09/2022 19:59

The fact that she is going to uni shows that you haven't failed her. She knew the financial situation would be tight, she shouldn't have put you in this position especially at such short notice. So, she could delay moving in and/or find employment.

As BF's parents have paid first month's rent, what was the plan after that...? It's all very well the BF have a stipend, but if she is going to contribute, has she checked her finances, or would she be asking you for more each month?

Mumwithbaggage · 01/09/2022 20:03

I really don't want to tell you how much dd1 owes student finance at 28 and she didn't even have the maintenance loan for her first degree, just fees. The system is beyond corrupt and she now owes many thousands more than she ever borrowed. Inflation plus 2% at the time. She's just got a 20% pay rise but as it takes her over the next tax threshold she will only see 35% of it. Scandalous. At least she (and bf) are now home owners.

Dd3 is about to enter the same system and it makes me feel quite sick.

mummy203 · 01/09/2022 20:12

You’ve not messed up. Hasn’t she been working all summer and now has some saving?

OldFan · 01/09/2022 20:34

She needs to open a student bank account with an overdraft and use this to fall back on. She will be entitled to one. Most banks offer this

Really? It's a different world nowadays I guess.

I really don't want to tell you how much dd1 owes student finance at 28

@Mumwithbaggage It's effectively a loan for a lot of them, as they never earn enough to start paying it back.

Morgysmum · 01/09/2022 20:35

She needs a job, tell her sorry love I have bills to cover for this house. I don't have money left over, I know this is harsh, but it's part of life. If she cannot get a weekend job, then tell her, she cannot move in till she gets money to pay for stuff herself.
My son is only 15, but is going on about getting a moped when he is 16, but I have told him, he will need to get a part time job, to buy one and run it, as his parents, don't have the money to get him one.

Maryminx · 01/09/2022 20:51

Your daughter has unreal expectations!
let her get a part time job
by paying for the food etc, u will put yourself in debt!
believe me! I know!

RachaelN · 01/09/2022 21:07

She will have to fund this herself. Get a job etc. They are already very lucky to have deposit and first month rent paid for.

nannykatherine · 01/09/2022 21:34

She can get a job

mussymummy · 01/09/2022 21:56

You have not failed your dd one bit, you have done your best and always be proud of what you have done to get your child to uni x

Jellicoe · 01/09/2022 21:59

Big hugs Op. you havent done anything wrong. Unless you have been forthcoming to her about your financial status she has had all summer and beyond to go get a PT job to pay for food and expenses. That's what I expect my girls to do. Sorry. She is going to Uni. Essentially an adult.

Mollymoostoo · 01/09/2022 22:18

If you have a low income she will get he maximum entitlement but this will only be paid when she starts uni as uni have to confirm with SLC that she started the course.
Look on Tesco website for the 5 meals for £25. These are for a family of 4 so will provide 3 weeks worth of main meals for her and DB.
This is not yours to carry, you can only do so much. His family will need to support him for now and she can chip in when she gets her loan. Don't let this spoil your success, to raise a daughter to go to uni is huge, well done, big hugs to you xx

Mothership4two · 02/09/2022 01:36

@Justanotherwinter ·

Mine happened when I saw a medium. i went With a friend who had a spare ticket last minute, wasn’t a believer myself but they said things about me and my family member no one could have known. Very personal and detailed things

I'm not particularly a believer either but went with a friend to a spiritualist church out of curiosity. The service leader (?) knew the name of a dead relative of mine and then said well Auntie Ann is happy now and she is with Paul which was a bit confusing as she had been married to a Martin but thought ho hum is obviously a load of balloney. When I later laughed about it with family members they told me that Uncle Martin's best friend had been called Paul and there had been a lot of suspicion/rumour that Ann and Paul had had an affair - especially as one family member walked in on them kissing once. So who knows?

Ann, Martin and Paul were not their real names