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Original poster

I've messed up dd's uni

264 replies

SewhereIam · 31/08/2022 10:17

Dd starts uni this year. She is sharing accommodation with her boyfriend. His family are more comfortably off than me, and paid the deposit and the first month's rent, which was incredibly kind.

I am on universal credit, and we break even every month. Dd informed me three days ago that they get the keys for their flat at the weekend, but term doesn't start for another month, and she doesn't receive any student finance until then either.

Dd wants to move in this weekend, and for me to get them their food shopping until term starts. She will also need money until her loan comes in. I can't afford it, I have £150 left in my bank account and more bills coming out on the 1st.

Her boyfriend gets a large stipend every month from his family, whereas dd doesn't. I feel like I have set her up to fail and have left her destitute and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
JubileeTissues · 31/08/2022 10:31

"What about her student bank account overdraft as an emergency whilst she gets a new job?"

What a way to start uni, maxed out overdraft. Don't encourage this OP

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/08/2022 10:31

You’ve done nothing wrong! This is for her to sort.

MadeForThis · 31/08/2022 10:32

She knew she would have to self fund this month. What was her plan? Why did she only tell you 3 days before?

MillyWithaY · 31/08/2022 10:32

SewhereIam · 31/08/2022 10:27

Thank you all so much for your replies, I thought I was going to get torn to shreds! Thank you.

She had a job during her last year at college but it finished before her exams and she hasn't managed to find another yet. She is a very down to earth, diligent person which is why this has thrown me for a loop.

How can she not find a job? Where is she living that there are no jobs going in hospitality or retail? Every other business in my town has a sign in the window advertising staff vacancies.

DarkShade · 31/08/2022 10:33

Her choices are to stay with you until next month, get boyfriend to pay, or get a job. You have not failed her. My parents couldn't afford to help and I never asked them too.

FictionalCharacter · 31/08/2022 10:34

She shouldn’t be moving in a month early. It’s not normal for students to do that. Getting the keys doesn’t mean they have to move in. Her student loan funds her through her course, which starts in a month’s time. Why on earth are you blaming yourself for anything, and why does she think it’s ok for you to get food shopping for herself and her boyfriend for an entire month before they need to be there? That’s basically a month’s holiday at your expense. Does she not understand that you don’t have all that money going spare?

Please stop this “setting her up to fail” nonsense. You haven’t set her up for anything - this is all her own choice - and she isn’t failing anything.

FAQs · 31/08/2022 10:37

@JubileeTissues so she asks her mum to struggle, maybe she needs a life lesson on budgeting.

BarbaraofSeville · 31/08/2022 10:37

What has she been doing all summer? She could have been working for at least a couple of months and have saved a decent amount by now.

Tell her to go out and get a job, at the moment it sounds like her plan in life is to either rely on you or her boyfriend for money. Part of being at university is learning to be more independent, so she needs to start on with this.

FAQs · 31/08/2022 10:38

Also I wouldn’t recommend she ‘maxes out’, that would be irresponsible.

Comefromaway · 31/08/2022 10:40

You have not messed things up.

Ds is using his £500 child trust fund from the government to pay his accommodation deposit. He will be moving into his accommodation 2 weeks before the start of his course for freshers and will need to use his overdraft to finance things until his loan comes through.

If your dd wanted to move in early she should have budgeted for that.

Comefromaway · 31/08/2022 10:40

JubileeTissues · 31/08/2022 10:31

"What about her student bank account overdraft as an emergency whilst she gets a new job?"

What a way to start uni, maxed out overdraft. Don't encourage this OP

The student overdraft is there for precisely this reason, to tide you over with accommodation deposits etc until your loan comes through.

namechanged221 · 31/08/2022 10:43

If she was moving into halls they don't ask for payment until all the loans come in!!

Why is she not going to halls?

She's made this unusual arrangement to live in a flat with her boyfriend herself!
It's not up to you to sort it out?!

Dear me....

Was126orbustandmaybebust · 31/08/2022 10:44

DD2 is heading off too. Does she not have any savings from when she was working? Has she transferred her CTF yet? DD transferred hers a week ago. It was only £590 but better than nothing.

Original poster
SewhereIam · 31/08/2022 10:44

Thank you all for your replies, you are all so helpful. We have had a chat and will have a few more over the course of the day xx

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2022 10:47

Can you work out how much money it costs to feed your dd and the additional cost to house her while she is at home and send her that amount? That’s if you can afford to do so. I agree with the consensus that you haven’t failed your dd. She’s decided she wants a month long holiday living with her boyfriend. She doesn’t get to do that and needs to pay her way.

Needmorelego · 31/08/2022 10:49

I know it's a Mumsnet obsession for couples to keep their finances separate (even when married) but if the boyfriend won't help out at this stage in their relationship then he is not one she should be living with.
Is he planning to literally sit there eating infront of her refusing to share food because she couldn't afford to buy any.
If they are a couple they need to learn to help each other when needed.

DatingIsDifficult · 31/08/2022 10:51

Is the rent suitable for her budget? A wealthy boyfriend sounds like an expensive flat, no?

DottyDotAgain · 31/08/2022 10:54

So we're financially OK and have 2 x ds's at Uni/just starting. The rule we have is that we give them £50 a week during term time to live off (we're lucky we can afford that) but during holiday time, they can either come home and we'll feed them, or stay in halls/student houses and get a job - they don't get any money out of term time from us! So far, ds1 has chosen to come home rather than get a job, but this summer did have a paid internship, so lived away and earned money.

There's no way I would have funded for either of mine to go into student accommodation a month early - their choice, so they can pay!

If your dd is struggling to get a job, then it's student overdraft/credit cards (which I wouldn't advise, but it's an option) and she then has to pay off the debt. You can't always be the solution as they get older - I keep having to tell myself that too though, as it always seems easier to try and sort things out for them, no matter how old they are..!

BarbaraofSeville · 31/08/2022 10:54

The boyfriend (or his family) have already paid the deposit and first month's rent on the accommodation and if it was the other way round MN certainly wouldn't be happy with the DD paying all the rent and the boyfriend not even buying a few groceries.

She needs to get a job, end of. Plus look for bursaries or other extra help due to being from a low income family.

dontgobaconmyheart · 31/08/2022 10:54

There are plenty of jobs OP. If she hasn't been able to find one perhaps she hasn't been meaningfully looking because she's come to expect that you offer the same as her boyfriends parents do and live the same lifestyle he does and therefore it isn't a priority.

I'd be having a chat about the fact they are fortunate to be able to do that and enable it but it isn't the norm and you are struggling with bills as is which sounds stressful.

She's hardly destitute, she can stay at home, has a loan coming eventually with a lot of her costs paid by her boyfriends parents. If she wants to move now she will need to find the money as an adult to do that.

EleanorShellstrop28 · 31/08/2022 10:54

Your daughter needs to get a part time job, like literally every student I know of? When I was at uni around 10 years ago, literally nobody was supported by parents, including well off students. We all had 2 or 3 part time jobs! It's all part of the experience! You are doing your daughter a disservice by treating her like a baby and handing her cash to live during this period of time where she is meant to be learning and growing and standing on her own two feet.

Valhalla17 · 31/08/2022 10:56

Comefromaway · 31/08/2022 10:40

The student overdraft is there for precisely this reason, to tide you over with accommodation deposits etc until your loan comes through.

Show quote history

No it isn't. An overdraft is for dire emergencies. Any student starting uni should have a bit kept aside earned from a PT job before uni starts. That's what most people do. Using an overdraft puts you immediately into debt and when your student loan arrives you have less, because you've had to clear the overdraft!

EleanorShellstrop28 · 31/08/2022 10:56

Obviously your daughter needs to stay home with you until her loan comes in. A very simple solution.

ThePoetsWife · 31/08/2022 10:56

Uni is very expensive so she will need to get a p/t job - her student loan won't cover everything she needs.

AlexandriasWindmill · 31/08/2022 11:05

She just needs to wait until she can afford to move in.

She's hardly destitute. Lots of students can't even afford to move away from home to study. I had pt jobs all the way through uni and still couldn't afford to move out. And I still didn't think of myself as destitute. Hmm