Four children

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Do you know anyone with 4 children? What do you think of them?
80% of me would love another child but a part of me worries about judgement. Which isn’t a reason not to have one, but wondering what the general consensus is.

I know lots with 3, one with 4 (twins), another with 4 (all same sex) and one with 5. That’s about it! It’s mostly 2x2 families in my area & my family members have had max 3. I’m an only child!

I don't have a local family support network, and have just had to get on with it myself with DH. Two have additional needs so it's my respite time at home when they're in school.

Maybe spend some time reading about climate change before you make a decision if you don’t feel like you know much about it? The Met Office has an overview. Surely you have noticed the extreme weather the planet has been suffering though. These heatwaves, droughts and wildfires are not normal. Researchers have found that the single biggest thing a person can do to reduce their impact on the climate is to have one less child - it massively outweighs car use, flights, renewable energy, diet etc.

^ this is good advice. I think a lot of people think they only need to worry in terms of will my children be ok? Not will my children contribute to the climate crisis? The latter being the real issue for Western children.

I judge. You can't give four children the time and attention they need (and often not the finances either). They usually have worse behaviour as a result. Not to mention the environmental impact. So I see a large family and think the parents are selfish and uneducated.

I have an environmental biology degree so I'm educated AND know more than the vast majority about climate change. I personally think that anyone who thinks its reversible is delusional. That was my bottom line take home from my degree over two decades ago. In relative terms we will soon be extinct, which if you are really, REALLY concerned about the planet, is how it should be and how evolution plays out. We have outlived our time on this planet. If everyone had no kids we could be net zero in 100 years but that isnt ever going to happen is it? Therefore nature will take us all out soon enough.

I have an environmental biology degree so I'm educated AND know more than the vast majority about climate change.

From a 20-year-old undergrad degree? Bit of Dunning-Kruger going on here.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave I think it’s possible to give 4 children time and attention. It’s not easy, quick and for many it’s not how they’d choose to spend their evenings but it definitely is possible.
my DC are in private school and there are lots of 4 child families there. There are children of surgeons, doctors, dentists, law firm partners so certainly not uneducated.

@Louise0701 no matter which way you cut it, if you have 4 kids you will divide your time more than if you had only 2. Maybe the share your kids get is still more than some smaller families, but it's still less than what you'd be able to give if you'd had less.

@user of course you will. I didn’t say it wouldn’t mean less division of time; just that it is possible.

@Louise0701 depends on what your definition of "possible" in this context.

There are many things to be “utterly disgusted”with - I just can’t imagine a family with 4 children being one of them.

@Louise0701 I’ve currently got 3 and spend plenty of time with them all. As a group, individually and as 2s. I grew up with 3 siblings and had 2 amazing parents, never felt I wanted for any time or attention from either of them.

For me, it’s how much you are willing to put in. Some people want bedtime over in 20 mins so they can go down and have their own time, have a drink or whatever they want to do. Some may need to do work or housework that they don’t get time to do in other parts of the day or week. That’s absolutely fine, we are all different. Obviously having 1 child would be easier for this type of person.
Some people thoroughly enjoy the baths, the stories, the cuddles and are happy to spend much longer on this time. For someone like this, having multiple children to spend this time with isn’t an issue. Some people can afford not to have to work full time or at all and can afford cleaners and gardeners and when you can afford these things, your evenings aren’t taken up with such tasks. You then have more time to spend with children.

@user73783 oops!! Need to spend more time not tagging myself I think 😂😂

I have five children, I am sure people judge me. We have done and do our best to provide love, attention and encouragement. My children are all happy , all my very different all wanted and valued. I have a professional job and we have both worked hard / never relied on hand outs or anyone else for childcare or other support

What they haven't had is foreign holidays, lots of new clothes, any old tat they wanted etc ( always had the school trips / things needed I hasten to add) They have shared rooms also .
Big families are lovely and hard work simultaneously so thought is needed ....

I would judge negatively. Too many children pressure on resources and the planet - do you watch the news? Most polite people won’t say anything but many will think it. Plus they don’t stay newborn you will have 4 teens. Good luck with that. Find another way to get fulfilment.

@MsTSwift God how patronising. Typical Mumsnet reply 😂

I do. They’re an organisational BOSS. No idea how they do it but they make it look easy. Their partner is super hands on (as they should be). I am in awe. I couldn’t do it.

The only person I know from my generation (milennial) with 4 kids is someone I used to work with. She had a set of twins (fraternal, natural, planned) and then less than 2 years later another set of twins (fraternal, natural, not planned).

Luckily they both earn very high salaries and can afford a nanny. Seems like very hard work though and they do struggle especially as family on both sides live abroad. 2nd set of twins was born during covid lockdown and they weren't able to have any family at all over to help. Must have been horrendous.

If you see a single parent with two children, do people also think "they can't possibly be giving each child the attention that they need"?

If you have two parents and four children, it's the same ratio. Or are all those judgemental people actually assuming that only the mother is involved in childcare? If so, this is just another way of judging women.

@LadyHelenaJustina very good point.

@LadyHelenaJustina people tend to assume that single parents didn’t plan for that to be their situation and are making the best of it. Whereas nowadays having 4 children or not is generally well within one’s control.

And the amount of time available for one on one with each parent is still less with 4 children even if the overall time is the same due to both parents being in the picture.

Why is my opinion patronising? Do you know what patronising means 😁

Utter disgust is very strong, but I did ask for opinions! We’ve booked to go abroad next year but that’s probably looked at with utter disgust too… eek.

A lot of people ask me if I’m having another, I’ve had 3 comments in 3 days this week alone 🤣 maybe it’s because I have the same sex though. Probably don’t get hounded as much if you have both.

Food for thought, thanks for your thoughts anyway.

I used to know of lots of large families when we lived in a rural area with cheaper housing. Here in the city, most of my friends have 1 or 2. I know one couple with 3.

I'm mainly amazed and impressed that anyone can manage so many children, as 2 seems like so much work and expense already!

We have 2. 2 at secondary was a big expense. My sisters both have 3. 4 is fine if good age gaps. But cost of living now too a factor.