Four children

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Do you know anyone with 4 children? What do you think of them?
80% of me would love another child but a part of me worries about judgement. Which isn’t a reason not to have one, but wondering what the general consensus is.

I know lots with 3, one with 4 (twins), another with 4 (all same sex) and one with 5. That’s about it! It’s mostly 2x2 families in my area & my family members have had max 3. I’m an only child!

Does your child have additional needs?

I"m a single parent and have more than one child , one would be a walk in the park. I"m a leave them to get o with it type parent and I do often think that some people make their lives much harder than they need to be

I fine one child hard, and they don't have any SEN. It's why I haven't had any more.

I think if you are a thick skinned person you can pop loads out and barely turn a hair. I'm not like that.

I am fortunate enough to not need to work just now and spend my time meal prepping, cooking and shopping whilst they are all at school. I am busy every day. I have all summer holidays to spend with them. I spend one to one time with the all regularly. It's always factored in. I couldn't do all this if I had to work. Once the youngest two are in high school then I will reassess...

I'll my paternal grandmother that. She was an indigenous woman who had 11 children (I suspect most of them unwillingly).

But we're talking about TODAY. And about women WILLINGLY having several children.

With the planet's resources struggling with the current population, perhaps parents should consider whether more than two children is desirable/necessary?

I am fortunate enough to not need to work just now and spend my time meal prepping, cooking and shopping whilst they are all at school. I am busy every day. I have all summer holidays to spend with them. I spend one to one time with the all regularly. It's always factored in. I couldn't do all this if I had to work

Many parents are, unfortunately, not able to spend so much time looking after their children at home and during school holidays. Good for you .

Having no children would be ideal for the planet. Too late now for some of us.

That's a ridiculous comment. No-one is saying they judge women from the past for whom family size was down to luck. We judge people who choose large families in this day and age when it's preventable.

One of my friends has 4. I think she has a large loving family and part of me is quite jealous!

My mum was a SAHP for 16 years. I still feel 5 kids spread her too thinly. We didn't get sufficient 1 to 1 time.

Maybe she was just shit. Personally I think she just had too many kids.

Oh come on. You aren't doing it to enrich your existing DC lives, you are wanting it for yourself. Don't pretend it's for any other reason.

Like some others, I judge too. Children are going to have to face huge hardship in this world from climate change. I couldn't bring a Child into that.

You seem to want a baby op. But they don't stay babies for long.

I had my children in the 90s. I have three, I'd have loved a fourth but I think it would've broken me and DH wasn't having any of it.

I wouldn't and don't judge someone with four children negatively at all even these days. Plenty of people are choosing to have one or none, so it balances out.

Op first of all don't waste your time worrying about what other people think..

Second, I have four, I am very conscious of making sure they all get enough of my time, but then I thought that when I had one or two, it's always been important to me that they all feel cared for, loved and listened to.

They are all well behaved, well adjusted and happy children.

I would say it's expensive though.

I've got four, two boys two girls. Never felt judged for it (although some tried to judge as I continued to work, I also got some funny comments about only having sex once a year as DC2 was born a year after DC1 and DC4 was due the same day). If you can support them financially and you are good parents then it is your business, nobody else's. However, it IS hard work, and not just when they are little. There are practical issues (car, hotel rooms, schools if they are in different ones, times of illness, in-fighting) there are also good things (no lack of "entertainment", little room for entitlement, and I am often proud of the way mine (now teens / adults) conduct themselves around others due to not having the capacity to pander to whims when they were children (and they are all good with things not going to plan, and other people's children in general). Good luck in whatever you choose and take no notice of anyone else unless you are expecting them to help.

I would wonder if you were uneducated on the impact of human life on climate change or just didn't care.

The advantage of having four DC is that they soon realise that you can't pander to them all the time. They have to learn to wait their turn, which teaches them early about the real world. It's like this at school too. They can't be centre of attention all the time. There is no sense of entitlement.

Of course I want the baby for me, otherwise I wouldn’t be thinking about it. But there are some pros to children having a large family (also lots of cons! I’m realistic).

I do love babies & worry it’s addictive in a way, I know they grow up & my kids are amazing but time is fleeting so what’s to say I wouldn’t want #5. That thought to be is out of the question, but I thought I’d feel ‘done’ after my third.

Re climate change, I’ve only heard this on mumsnet. I’ve discussed in RL many times and many people (myself included) just don’t understand or realise (?) the impact. E.g. I’ve read we will lost coastal towns in the next 10 years, will we really though? It doesn’t sound realistic. But then again covid didn’t sound realistic! I can’t think of my childrens futures being doom & gloom because that’s a pretty depressing way to live. I do keep reading about population lowering which is apparently negative?

Just wish I did felt done!

I would be a little concerned at the 'addictive' bit in relation to babies. Your existing children will need to feel they are enough for you as well, regardless if you have another. I'd be tempted to unpick the sense of addiction more, before deciding on another.

My youngest was born very premature which meant it was my last pregnancy for personal reasons. Didn't want to risk any more pregnancies. That's how I knew four DC would be my limit.

I can understand OP though if things go straightforward why you may then ponder over a DC5, 6, 7 and so on!

I’ve two friends who have four kids each. Both have busy working lives. It’s hard work but in both cases the all kids are well adjusted happy and well looked after. Both friends are in the higher income bracket with supportive partners.

@LarkspurLane do you really assume all big families have help? I have 4 and we don't. We don't need it 🤷‍♀️

There are SO many threads on MN at the moment by women who thought they were ok with 4 children, and now find themselves battling disability or looking after a disabled DH, struggling with the cost of living crisis, or left by their DPs or DHs. Fewer children would have made their lives so much easier. A massive recession is coming, worse than we have ever known. And climate change on the horizon even if you don't understand the impact.

Yes I know a few families with four kids. Most of them seemed really happy.

One family I know has ages from 15-5 and all still go on family days out together which is really nice.

Another family I know struggle a bit managing with 4, but two children have SN.

I have four but most of my friends have 3 or 4 plus a few with 5 or more, so it doesn't feel like a large family.
We often get stared at in the airport or on holiday when we walk around as a family of 6 people but I wouldn't let the occasional moment like that put you off.
What does change is hotel rooms, cars and other activities that are not geared for larger families.
If you have energy, (and can afford it)I would say go for it.
I would've had one more but no 4 was a terrible sleeper and I was exhausted.

Just wish I did felt done!

Maybe you'll never feel 'done'. Perhaps you need to think rationally whether your 3 children are 'enough' ?

Maybe spend some time reading about climate change before you make a decision if you don’t feel like you know much about it? The Met Office has an overview. Surely you have noticed the extreme weather the planet has been suffering though. These heatwaves, droughts and wildfires are not normal. Researchers have found that the single biggest thing a person can do to reduce their impact on the climate is to have one less child - it massively outweighs car use, flights, renewable energy, diet etc.