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Original poster

Four children

218 replies

03X · 22/08/2022 18:02

Do you know anyone with 4 children? What do you think of them?
80% of me would love another child but a part of me worries about judgement. Which isn’t a reason not to have one, but wondering what the general consensus is.

I know lots with 3, one with 4 (twins), another with 4 (all same sex) and one with 5. That’s about it! It’s mostly 2x2 families in my area & my family members have had max 3. I’m an only child!

OP posts:
LarkspurLane · 22/08/2022 19:09

Anyone I know with more than 2 has grandparents living nearby. Who take one or more kids overnight on a regular basis. I have two and found the early years of no support other than DH quite relentless. Now they are teens I could imagine managing a third one, in fact I'd quite like a 9 year old to take places during the holidays.
So anyone with four I would assume has a nice extended family around (support goes both ways of course). So I might be a teeny bit envious ...

gogohmm · 22/08/2022 19:10

I don't think anyone judges those who can afford 4 kids having them. What produces the tutting is those moaning here or on other media that they are overcrowded and can't afford a bigger house (whether owned, privately rented or council) or can't afford to feed their 4+ children.

Things are really tight for many but if financially you are very secure then go for it however remember kids are expensive, I've got 2 at university currently and it's costing me over £10k a year in contributions (earn over the threshold for anything but minimum loan). Can you afford 4 kids through university?

ImAvingOops · 22/08/2022 19:12

I had 4 and it's all good. Tbf though, my first 3 were pretty straightforward kids - I wouldn't have had a 4th if we'd been struggling at all. No real negative judgement although people didn't seem to understand why, if I had 3 already, I would want another. But it wasn't mean criticism, they were just perplexed because they wouldn't have chosen it for themselves.
Main thing to consider is that the world is designed for 3 kids max, so everything from hotel rooms to car sizes will need thought.
If you want another and can afford it, I wouldn't let other people put you off - people are judgemental about all sorts of things and you aren't obliged to care!

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IncessantNameChanger · 22/08/2022 19:14

I have 4 and I honestly don't care what people think. My sister has none. It's all personal choice. We dont have any physical help ever from.family and we can financially afford them. Eldest has just got A,A,B distinction for a levels so I dont believe we are doing a piss poor job either.

Yes it's a juggle but they are spaced out in age which helps. Having a 3 year gap some where would be my only advice. If you have one decent age gap it's so much more manageable. But equally I'm sure others would disagree.

Also 3 of them have SEN and one is severe so I never factored that in. Like any pregnancy it's always a possibility. Something to mull over for anyone I guess. I had no idea as first SEN child was diagnosed when all 4 was already here.

Pebble55 · 22/08/2022 19:16

Go for it. No one should ever get opprobrium for having 'too many' children - although plenty of people in the West rather laughably huff and puff about large families in African/South Asian countries 'causing' overpopulation - most middle class liberal-lefties think large families are fine as long as they're white.

Tabbouleh · 22/08/2022 19:22

Pebble55 · 22/08/2022 19:16

Go for it. No one should ever get opprobrium for having 'too many' children - although plenty of people in the West rather laughably huff and puff about large families in African/South Asian countries 'causing' overpopulation - most middle class liberal-lefties think large families are fine as long as they're white.

Indeed. Both Prince William and Boris Johnson thought this apparently, and then just did as they pleased.

BeanieTeen · 22/08/2022 19:26

I don’t think there’s anything to judge about 4 kids that are well cared for and well behaved, and the parents seem to genuinely enjoy parenting them.
I do have a cousin who struggled when she just had two, didn’t seem to know how to manage behaviour and never really came across like she enjoyed being a mum when we met up (different story on social media of course). She’s had two more since. I just don’t get it. She and her partner rely a lot on my aunt for childcare and help in general, including financial. I do judge that. It’s not fair on the kids and certainly not fair on my aunt.
I suppose the latter situation gains more attention than the former. You’ll see big families out but not really notice if they’re just getting on harmoniously. You see larger families where kids are running riot and the parents just look flustered and like they are having a horrendous time and you think ‘why??’. It may be a one off of course, every family has bad days, so I know it’s not fair to judge.

PaperMonster · 22/08/2022 19:27

I know a few families with 4 plus children. I think it’s lovely- although there is one family that when they announced pregnancy no 4, I did roll my eyes as their eldest is quite troubled and I’ve had to deal with the fallout of this.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 22/08/2022 19:29

I would just assume you were very wealthy! we definitely cannot afford more than two.

Hallowbat · 22/08/2022 19:29

I have four and haven’t had any negative comments just ‘how do you cope?’ which is a silly question as no you just do no matter how many you have

Mymoneydontjigglejiggle · 22/08/2022 19:34

The only people I know with 4 have twins somewhere in the mix. I have 3 and definitely would not consider another - I don't have enough eyes/hands! Maybe if the gap is big enough that the older three can largely do things on their own. I have a baby, toddler and 5yo and the thought of another stresses me out no end! I wouldn't judge other people though.

Kanaloa · 22/08/2022 19:37

I have four children. People sometimes say ‘ooh you’ve got your hands full’ and I force a smile. A bit like a tall person who hears ‘how is the weather up there’ a million times and every person who says it thinks they’re the first one.

I don’t get any judgment though. But then I wouldn’t keep friends who would judge me for this type of thing because they’d judge others so they wouldn’t fit with my type of personality.

Bladed · 22/08/2022 19:37

I have four, and I’m not aware of having been the subject of any judgment.

BuffaloCauliflower · 22/08/2022 19:38

My best friend has 4. They’re happy and have a lovely family. I wouldn’t rule out 4 myself but I’m only pregnant with no.2. currently so I’ll see how we go!

If you want another OP and you can afford it emotionally, physically and financially then go for it! No one else is living your life

Harridan1981 · 22/08/2022 19:40

I know loads with 4 actually. One with 5 which seemed massive for some reason!

Babyroobs · 22/08/2022 19:41

I have four , all mostly grown up now. I know quite a few families with four. I wouldn't recommend it, they are very expensive. I don't think there was so much judgement back when I had mine but more awareness now regarding environmental stuff. I'm ashamed to say I didn't consider environmental impact. I'll not be encouraging my kids to have more than one or two.

BeanieTeen · 22/08/2022 19:43

I would maybe feel a bit envious - not because I want four kids but I’d be jealous of the mum who I assume (probably wrongly of course) had some fairly breezy pregnancies 😄 I’m pregnant with number 2, 18 weeks and still suffering horrendous nausea and sickness. Same with the last. Been prescribed meds, they don’t even touch the sides. Otherwise I may have considered a third. But this uterus is now definitely shutting shop after this one.

scrivette · 22/08/2022 19:46

I have 3 DC and one DSC, SIL has 4, I know quite a few people with 4.

glittereyelash · 22/08/2022 19:46

My mother was one of 17 and when I was younger it seemed normal to me but now it seems absolutely bonkers. I have only one myself and that's the perfect amount for me but my brother has four and it really suits him he loves the buzz and chaos and is just so chilled with his little crew.

Charlavail · 22/08/2022 19:47

LobeliaBaggins · 22/08/2022 19:00

Most of my friends only have one. I am the large family outlier with 2 :)

Same! I did have my first child before all my peers though. I feel like I have a hoard of children as everyone else has one!

ColonelCarter · 22/08/2022 19:49

I only know one person with more than 2, though my sister is pregnant with numbers 3&4.

Personally I think 4 is far too many children. It's selfish and unnecessary and benefits no-one except the parents, and not always then.

I'm one of 5.

alsonotmyname · 22/08/2022 19:50

I know lots of families in the area with 4 or more and have 6 myself- I've only ever been judged on here, yes I have time for them all, yes I can afford them and yes we have a tv

MakkaPakkas · 22/08/2022 19:55

I have an old friend who has 4. I kind of think she's mad, but not in a bad way. She lives a full on rural lifestyle, kids look like they're lovely (I only see them all on Facebook, as we live in different country), and she's a great person.
Don't let other people's judgement dictate the size of your family!

mam0918 · 22/08/2022 19:56

I would say 2-3 is most common but 1 and 4 isn't wierd.

I dont think anything bad of those people, just think good for them.

LydiaDeets · 22/08/2022 19:57

I've got four and mumsnet is the only place I've ever got judgement for it.

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