What I've done vs what DH has done

[FuckMyActual]

I'm pissed off

Both have busy weeks, I'd argue mine is busier as I do 90% of the childcare but that's somewhat separate to this.

We are going on holiday, we have a house sitter coming to take care of the cats. Because I've been really poorly with a chest infection, things had gone to shit here. Anyway. The weekend, I say we need to get sorted.

Here's what I did vs what my husband did. Despite constantly telling him he needs to do his share!

Me

Washed, dried and folded 7 loads of laundry
All dishes
Scrubbed kitchen floor
Scrubbed worktops and cooker
Cleaned fridge, cleared freezer space for house sitter
Packed all kids clothes
Packed my clothes
Made all meals
Took dog to kennels
Did basic food shop
Cleaned bathrooms
Did all the chemical wizardry with the pool
Tidied the garden
Hoovered everywhere
Put away all toys
Dusted everywhere
Washed all bedding and replaced on beds
Took kids to various activities

*DH
*
Tidied the shoes at the bottom of the stairs
Put away his screwdrivers
Complained relentlessly that he can't see what needs doing like I do
Ignored very clear list of things he was provided with
Claimed headache and had a long nap
Claimed fatigue and had long bath
Played Xbox with kids

Oh- took a bag of rubbish out.

Hasn't packed his stuff, *Hasn't DONE ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL!!!
*

What the actual fuck?!? I am
Fuming and he is looking at me in sheer confusion that I'm so mad!!

Am I going mad here?? I wasn't being a martyr about it, we've got a whole human being coming to stay in our house and look after our animals. They need a welcoming space and not 10 days worth of mess because DH and kids decided that the correct thing to do was wait for me to get better instead of getting on and getting the fucking house cleaned! I was practically spitting blood at the end of the weekend, I actually said he can piss off if he expects me to lift a finger on holiday, he can do anything- ANYTHING that needs to be done. He said "ummmm..... okay? I really don't know what you're angry about but I guess it's something I've done?"

WELL DONE, EINSTEIN!!!

😡😭😭😡😡😭😡😡😡

Meh. Martyrs will be martyrs. Suck it up it leave.

This hasn’t just happened- he is clearly a lazy fucker, doesn’t respect you and you have been mummy for quite some time

He won’t change.

You put up with it or you leave

Why is the dog in kennels if you have a house sitter? ….. misses point entirely.

Enjoy your holiday and don’t lift a finger. He doesn’t do anything because he has you to do it all. He’s been dense on purpose.

You have a pool? You didn’t ask me to house sit!

jokes aside, that is appalling. Time for a rota. Even if you are well, everyone needs to do jobs.

Let it all out OP. I hear you.

In a similar vein I'm refusing to go on holiday again this year after three nights self catering where the other adult did absolutely no adulting all three days except pour cereal into the children's bowls in the morning.

This apparently was 'making breakfast for everyone' and carried an equal amount of weight/effort to all of the clearing up after meals, the actual cooking of all other meals (apart from the 1 lunch and 1 tea we ate out), all the packing unpacking, repacking and unpacking again in 3 days, organising all activities, and trips, wrestling two small children in and out of various clothes/swimming costumes etc, and being up all night all three nights with either one or other of the children. Despite that I was getting up at 5.30/6am just to be able to have a coffee in peace before everyone else go up and the incessant whinging started but I was absolutely exhausted.

I finally blew my lid on the last day when I asked for an hours peace and quiet (e.g. take them to the playground) to get packed and cleaned up without children under my feet and it was refused.

He's still 'wounded' and baffled as to why I've said I'm not doing it again until he demonstrates some understanding of just how shit it was for me and agrees he was being an unreasonable man child. If he had just given me that hours break I might have overlooked the rest.

He tried moaning to his mother about it and about how I had 'struggled' and 'couldn't cope' with going away. I was about to rip his head off when she did it for me .

and it's not about being a martyr is it, it's about having basic fucking standards of living for your children.

I'm giving it until page 2 for someone to suggest that he probably has ADHD and can't help it!

You posted about this before you went on holiday and everyone told you then you were doing unnecessary tasks.

It could be early onset dementia rather than ADHD, or maybe he’s autistic 😑

"I really don't know what you're angry about but I guess it's something I've done?"

Er no, it's not that, is it? It's all the things he hasn't done!

We have a big above ground pool, nothing fancy! But it has a sand filter and a heater and it needs so much chemical wizardry to keep the water clear that it almost makes me cry!

Because the house sitter that was available looks after cats and small caged pets, plus the dog is a knob, protective of their territory and would for sure act like the house sitter had come to murder them and the cats.

What does this even mean?

OP - You are absolutely not unreasonable to be furious about this.

Excuse me?

Op the mistake you make is expecting him to think like you do. Rightly or wrongly men don' t get all worked up at all of the things you've listed because they tend to rely on others to do them for them, which you have done and now understandably peeved.
l don't have a partner but l do have two teenage sons and l make a point of saying (in good time) "You need to sort this because l don't have time" and l stick to that, l don't do it, and l don' t get stressed, if they don't sort it, they face the consequences, not me.
Your husband/partner has been spoiled by your willingless to get on with it, that has to stop, from now tell him he has to sort it and refrain from doing it. life will be alot less stressful.

My dh is the same.

On holiday in a villa. I walk the dogs. I do breakfast. Clear away breakfast. Do laundry. Do lunch. Do dinner. Go shopping. Organise excursions.

Dh sleeps for 14-16 hours per day. Doesn't get why I am so very very pissed off. Or says he doesn't get it.

I'm unwell now. In bed so he has to do it all.

Well you're not being unreasonable but this clearly hasn't just happened

Instead of letting him and the kids do nothing why didn't you address it before it got that state?

Amd instead of doing it all why didn't you say do xyz

And yes, I know you shouldn't have to project manage him but what's the alternative?

We left the dishwasher full of dirty plates and the cat litter tray full of both pee and poop (cat had been dropped off at cattery) on our latest holiday because I, and anyone else with working eyesight, could clearly see they needed done but I REFUSED to do them on top of the packing, cleaning, bleach down the loo etc I was ALREADY doing whilst he sat on the sofa and checked the football scores.

I HATE coming home after a long drive to a dirty house and unmade beds. He doesn't care.

I told him the kitty litter needed changed the day AFTER we got back as I left to collect the cat. 🤢

Can you really count loading and unloading the washing machine/dryer unless you’ve washed it all by hand and spent day drying the items with your breath

7 loads in one day, all line dried, folded and taken to whoever's room it needed to be in. Yes the fuck I can

I've addressed it so many times! It has to get to the stage where I lose my goddamn mind over it before they realise they can't take the piss. And then it lasts about four days before they start sneaking it all in again and I'm so so tired of it all. I've left it, it mounts up and it is still me who sorts it.

Literally just now he's brought out youngest back from an activity club, lunchbox has an exploded yogurt in it, he says. Opens the box, shows me. Places box next to me and walks away! I said "are you leaving this in the expectation that I will sort it? Because you KNOW it needs washing, right? You can't pretend to be ignorant of that." He's looked at me like he can't believe what he's hearing

Then keep on top of it.

Stop letting them away with doing nothing.

Yes it's more effort but the alternative is them thinking they can get away with not doing it.

And definitely do nothing on holiday.

He's looked at me like he can't believe what he's hearing

Tbf, he probably can't if you've let him get away with this shit before.

Would you consider leaving OP? For good I mean

You need to stop doing it all.

Sit down and divide the jobs between you. Awhile job. So laundry is pick up dirty clothes, wash, dry, iron, put away.

And then make it his problem if it's not done.

I wouldn't put up with that. How can you have sex with such a man child