Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

What I've done vs what DH has done

263 replies

FuckMyActual · 15/08/2022 13:26

I'm pissed off

Both have busy weeks, I'd argue mine is busier as I do 90% of the childcare but that's somewhat separate to this.

We are going on holiday, we have a house sitter coming to take care of the cats. Because I've been really poorly with a chest infection, things had gone to shit here. Anyway. The weekend, I say we need to get sorted.

Here's what I did vs what my husband did. Despite constantly telling him he needs to do his share!

Me

Washed, dried and folded 7 loads of laundry
All dishes
Scrubbed kitchen floor
Scrubbed worktops and cooker
Cleaned fridge, cleared freezer space for house sitter
Packed all kids clothes
Packed my clothes
Made all meals
Took dog to kennels
Did basic food shop
Cleaned bathrooms
Did all the chemical wizardry with the pool
Tidied the garden
Hoovered everywhere
Put away all toys
Dusted everywhere
Washed all bedding and replaced on beds
Took kids to various activities

*DH
*
Tidied the shoes at the bottom of the stairs
Put away his screwdrivers
Complained relentlessly that he can't see what needs doing like I do
Ignored very clear list of things he was provided with
Claimed headache and had a long nap
Claimed fatigue and had long bath
Played Xbox with kids

Oh- took a bag of rubbish out.

Hasn't packed his stuff, *Hasn't DONE ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL!!!
*

What the actual fuck?!? I am
Fuming and he is looking at me in sheer confusion that I'm so mad!!

Am I going mad here?? I wasn't being a martyr about it, we've got a whole human being coming to stay in our house and look after our animals. They need a welcoming space and not 10 days worth of mess because DH and kids decided that the correct thing to do was wait for me to get better instead of getting on and getting the fucking house cleaned! I was practically spitting blood at the end of the weekend, I actually said he can piss off if he expects me to lift a finger on holiday, he can do anything- ANYTHING that needs to be done. He said "ummmm..... okay? I really don't know what you're angry about but I guess it's something I've done?"

WELL DONE, EINSTEIN!!!

😡😭😭😡😡😭😡😡😡

OP posts:
MineIsBetterThanYours · 21/08/2022 19:05

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2022 18:47

He didn't take the suncream. DS7 reminded him

Oh FFS, what a useless twat.

Well that what happens when you never take responsibility doesn’t it?

Hell learn again

Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 21/08/2022 19:20

Keep going, op! All power to your elbow (when raising a glass of wine to your mouth in the peace and quiet).

Skelligsfeathers · 21/08/2022 20:04

Maybe show him this article

www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Cherchezlaspice · 21/08/2022 21:51

He knows we have a 7yo. I've not been hiding him made me guffaw.

Well done for sticking to your guns, OP.

rainbowstardrops · 22/08/2022 07:06

You're doing great @FuckMyActual!
What a shock to them to find that you can put the same level of effort in as they all do!
Keep it up!

Original poster
FuckMyActual · 22/08/2022 07:40

He did the dishes, the teens did some tidying and everyone was really annoyingly jovial about it. I'm not looking for reasons to be pissed off with them, but it was very "this is easy, why do you get so annoyed about it?" sort of energy from them all. So I did say "everything's fun when it's a novelty. You need to do this at home instead of just pitching in because it's a holiday, because let me tell you, it's not so great when it's mess that everyone makes and only I ever have to sort it out."

I did get an "oh my god, you're not grateful for this?" from DD and it was actually DH who said "is there a reason she should be?" but he looked at me as if to check he'd said the right thing and achieved the correct award for doing so. I got where he was coming from and what he was trying to show me, but the words don't match the last five years or so of actions

Baby steps. I need DH to remember he used to share the mental load (not 50/50, more like 30/70 but it was so much better than nothing) and that he used to do housework and isn't exempt! I need the teens to realise that all this irritating "nagging" that Mum does isn't just her preferred method of communication and does mean they have to do stuff!

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 22/08/2022 08:14

FuckMyActual · 22/08/2022 07:40

He did the dishes, the teens did some tidying and everyone was really annoyingly jovial about it. I'm not looking for reasons to be pissed off with them, but it was very "this is easy, why do you get so annoyed about it?" sort of energy from them all. So I did say "everything's fun when it's a novelty. You need to do this at home instead of just pitching in because it's a holiday, because let me tell you, it's not so great when it's mess that everyone makes and only I ever have to sort it out."

I did get an "oh my god, you're not grateful for this?" from DD and it was actually DH who said "is there a reason she should be?" but he looked at me as if to check he'd said the right thing and achieved the correct award for doing so. I got where he was coming from and what he was trying to show me, but the words don't match the last five years or so of actions

Baby steps. I need DH to remember he used to share the mental load (not 50/50, more like 30/70 but it was so much better than nothing) and that he used to do housework and isn't exempt! I need the teens to realise that all this irritating "nagging" that Mum does isn't just her preferred method of communication and does mean they have to do stuff!

Might also be worth reminding them that many hands make light work. Perhaps they could each take over sole responsibility for two days, on top of school/work, and see how much fun it is then. If they really do think it's that easy, they won't mind. Besides, housework isn't difficult, it's just time consuming, draining, boring and endless.

You're right that they're probably still in the "Common People" mindset at the moment.

Phineyj · 22/08/2022 08:26

The 'Common People' mindset. I love it!

I used to think DH 'didn't see' dirt, mess and clutter and wasn't very organised.

Then I recalled his cars and massive bike collection are always immaculate and perfectly maintained. Then he completely blew his cover by organising a mountain biking holiday for him and several mates in meticulous detail. He also does a fiddly job!

OP, when you get back, consider booking to see Relate or similar to unpick what the hell happened to your DH's attitude from 2015. It's harder to deny when you're in a room with a neutral third party.

Maybe simplify your life too. Get rid of the pool; don't replace pets when they shuffle off this mortal coil.

My 9 yo (ADHD, needs masses of help) would like a dog.

Ahahahaha. As if.

BronwenFrideswide · 22/08/2022 12:54

I did get an "oh my god, you're not grateful for this?" from DD and it was actually DH who said "is there a reason she should be?" but he looked at me as if to check he'd said the right thing and achieved the correct award for doing so. I got where he was coming from and what he was trying to show me, but the words don't match the last five years or so of actions

It sounds like it might be very slowly sinking in with your husband, he may be starting to realise what being taken for granted and taken advantage of feels like.

Stay strong OP you need to keep on doing what you are not doing and that includes at home, if the teens don't have clean clothes or can't find what they need for school in their tips of rooms just shrug and say "Oh dear", don't rise to it be indifferent. Do what you want to do and need to do to for your own sake and nothing else.

stayathomegardener · 23/08/2022 19:02

Sounds like it's going brilliantly so far.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/08/2022 19:21

I did get an "oh my god, you're not grateful for this?" from DD and it was actually DH who said "is there a reason she should be?" but he looked at me as if to check he'd said the right thing and achieved the correct award for doing so. I got where he was coming from and what he was trying to show me, but the words don't match the last five years or so of actions

Sad as it is, if you want to win the war not the battle, you need to give out treats like you're dog training. Good DH, good boy, well done. You should t have to but it may work.

HereIfYouNeedMe · 23/08/2022 19:45

katmarie · 16/08/2022 10:48

@ML2 You might not care about the dirty kitchen, but do you care about your wife? And at what point does it go from being dirty to being unsanitary? And when exactly in that process do you start to care? Do you cate that when you get nick from holiday your wife will have even more laundry to do? Do you care that the pet sitter will spend all week in a dirty house? Do you think that someone who is coming to work for you will feel valued enough by that dirty house to come and sit for you again? Will it be you or your wife that arranges a new sitter for the nexy trip? At what point exactly do you start caring?

There are things I don't give a damn about, I couldn't care less what dh wears to work, or how he drinks his coffee. But he cares so I wash the shirts he wants and I make his coffee the way he likes it. He in turn makes sure that our bed has the blanket on that I like, even though he doesn't use it, and that my screenwash is topped up because I don't really like doing it.

We work together to parent our children, and run our home, because it belongs to us both, we both benefit from, and are both responsible for these things. If you bring your children up to think that they don't have to do domestic chores because they don't care, then you will raise entitled assholes who will end up destroying the mental health of their spouses as the OP has described. 'I don't care about... therefore I'm not going to do it' is a juvenile, self centred and crappy attitude to have.

Well bloody said!!!!

Carriemac · 25/08/2022 08:09

Hope you're managing to have a bit of a holiday yourself OP

New posts on this thread. Refresh page