What I've done vs what DH has done

[FuckMyActual]

I'm pissed off

Both have busy weeks, I'd argue mine is busier as I do 90% of the childcare but that's somewhat separate to this.

We are going on holiday, we have a house sitter coming to take care of the cats. Because I've been really poorly with a chest infection, things had gone to shit here. Anyway. The weekend, I say we need to get sorted.

Here's what I did vs what my husband did. Despite constantly telling him he needs to do his share!

Me

Washed, dried and folded 7 loads of laundry
All dishes
Scrubbed kitchen floor
Scrubbed worktops and cooker
Cleaned fridge, cleared freezer space for house sitter
Packed all kids clothes
Packed my clothes
Made all meals
Took dog to kennels
Did basic food shop
Cleaned bathrooms
Did all the chemical wizardry with the pool
Tidied the garden
Hoovered everywhere
Put away all toys
Dusted everywhere
Washed all bedding and replaced on beds
Took kids to various activities

*DH
*
Tidied the shoes at the bottom of the stairs
Put away his screwdrivers
Complained relentlessly that he can't see what needs doing like I do
Ignored very clear list of things he was provided with
Claimed headache and had a long nap
Claimed fatigue and had long bath
Played Xbox with kids

Oh- took a bag of rubbish out.

Hasn't packed his stuff, *Hasn't DONE ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL!!!
*

What the actual fuck?!? I am
Fuming and he is looking at me in sheer confusion that I'm so mad!!

Am I going mad here?? I wasn't being a martyr about it, we've got a whole human being coming to stay in our house and look after our animals. They need a welcoming space and not 10 days worth of mess because DH and kids decided that the correct thing to do was wait for me to get better instead of getting on and getting the fucking house cleaned! I was practically spitting blood at the end of the weekend, I actually said he can piss off if he expects me to lift a finger on holiday, he can do anything- ANYTHING that needs to be done. He said "ummmm..... okay? I really don't know what you're angry about but I guess it's something I've done?"

WELL DONE, EINSTEIN!!!

😡😭😭😡😡😭😡😡😡

Also. What age are the kids?

15, 13, 7

You need consequences for all of them

Do what's expected or no money/treats/removal of xbox etc

Do you do anything for dh that he relies on?

God yes. Loads.

All you can do is:

• do nothing for him, and nothing non life saving for the kids

AND

• keep exploding, so it's literally more unpleasant for him / them to do nothing than to do what you want.

Why aren't the kids doing the jobs as well?

Then stop doing it.

If he gets annoyed or even asks why look at him like he's crazy and claim you had no idea it even needing doing

Some of these early responses are blowing my mind.

Man is lazy and shit = must be OP's own fault somehow. WTF?!

Grown men should pull their weight without needing their wife to educate/persuade/coerce them.

@florianfortescue

Except he doesn't.

So what then?

She can leave I guess

Why aren't the kids packing their own clothes, making their own beds, tidying garden and toys?

And surely they can help with the housework and cooking?

Not entirely sure why you're doing everything when you have another adult in the house and children old enough to do tasks as above.

You need to stop doing stuff for him OP. He knows, he just sees it all as your job as doesnt care.

I'd be putting that lunchbox on his pillow.

His lack of respect for you and all you do for him and the family is astounding.

I couldn't and wouldn't put up with this.

He needs an ACTUAL bomb up his arse. I would be beyond livid.

The only way for him to learn is for you to stop doing everything. You’re enabling him to be this shit. I know why do end up doing everything; it’s because it won’t get done otherwise and the family will suffer. Been there, done that.

Sometimes you have to break a few eggs ☹️.

I hope you just then walked away and let him do the cleaning?

ive had one of those. Screaming, explaining, telling him what I expected never worked. What worked was the keep calm, tell x and y was his responsibility (eg I pack dc1 and you do dc2, ok?) and then let him get in with it. He wants to wait until the last minute? His issue. Some stuff is missing because un the wash, too small etc… his issue to sort out.
don’t say anything. No comment about I told you so. Just be unavailable to solve the problem.

i found it helped fir two reasons

• because I detach myself from the issue, I wasn’t as stressed and didn’t feel I had as much to do


• dh learnt he couldn’t get away with murder and actually yes he had to take responsibility.

The trick is to feel really sure if your boundaries and nit bulge. Like with toddlers really.

So what happened with the lunch box after he looked confused? Did he come back and wash it?

Firstly your children should be packing their own clothes. The 7 year old can get out what they think they need and you can check it. Please don't say 'but they'll forget half the stuff because if they think about it and communicate properly they will be fine. If they forget stuff they need it will be a valuable lesson.

Why would your as DH pull his weight when he knows you will do it. He also probably doesn't care about half the stuff you've listed as it doesn't directly affect him - so what if the children don't have any clothes or doesn't inconvenience him!

Imo the only way with men like this is to just sort yourself and the children (7 year old). The rest of them are old enough to do washing etc. oh and when his family come over don't lift a finger although I'm willing to guess you're too much of a matyr to do this.

why aren’t the 2 older kids doing half the jobs on that list? Are you raising them to marry martyrs too?

@florianfortescue I agree they should do it Wo anyone having to remind them.
As ive said to DH before, he could do it when he was living on his own do why not now?

However human nature is such that if, for example, the other person always does a task, then you then to just forget about it.
eg I never ever think about bin day because DH is doing it.

Thats why, I suspect, things change dramatically when women go on ML and do all the hw, parenting etc… it just becomes the other person responsibility. And they need to be strongly ‘reminded’ about it/handed responsibility back for things to be balanced again.
Plus of course, it’s always hard to go back to doing something when you have got away with nit doing it (regardless of whether someone else did it for you out of kindness etc…)

When you tell him what needs doing do you ask him if he understands?
Is he able to repeat what you have just said?

These things are important when dealing with men.

Just stop. Stop doing everything for your DH and stop doing anything your kids can handle on their own. Do it now.

lazy sod,

question though how did you a) manage 7 loads of washing that’s 4hr 40 mins on a 40 min cycle (most likely longer) and then b) how big a line/dryer do you have to be able to accommodate 7 loads!!!!

DH and the kids are separate problems.

DH: “If you do not step up and adult 50:50 I will leave”.

Kids: longer term training.

I agree. And the DH issue is more urgent

The older kids can do their own laundry and packing. You can have a quick conversation to check they've packed everything.

My teenagers help with the washing. If I'm doing it, everything is dumped on their bed - no folding. It's up to them if something needs ironing.

Maybe time for a family meeting to set expectations. Although it may have to be backed up with occasional shouting!

The husband, I'm not sure the solution for that.

Oh wow. Did you show him your list? If not, do it!

From now on I would use the list idea:
Write in advance what needs doing, add things you do / things you notice have to be done as the day goes.
Each person can do items on the list and adds a tick with initials next to it.
When you have done half the items for the day you just stop. He won’t then be able to pretend he doesn’t know how he can help AND he also won’t be able to claim he does more than you.